past.

So... my SIAC has ended after all, with a finale episode that lasted ninety minutes instead of the usual forty-five minutes. The very typical ending kinda rendered me speechless, and a little mad. When I believed that I had guessed the ending right, I totally rolled my eyes. Why are TVB scriptwriters ending all the dramas in the same way? WHY? And memory loss of one of the main characters has to be the most boring and predictable ending ever. It's as good as suspending me in mid-air. Truth be told, I am definitely a fan of the more typical endings. I don't mind those ending whereby the male and female leads hold hands and with a large wheat field in front of them, or for that matter, watch a beautiful sunrise together, before the credits roll and the theme song plays. I honestly wasn't expecting an ending like this for a drama serial I have pinned high hopes on.  Well, whichever the case, I figure I'm back to stagnancy again. There is actually quite a number of things o...

《你在哪里》 2014年3月31日 四合院 戚玉武 "我记得很多年前有一次到香港出席电影节时，与一位著名导演交谈，当时他问了我一个问题：“你最想演什么样的角色？”忽然我发现演了几年的戏，现在几乎已经完全占据我的生活大部分空间的这份工作，我居然没有考虑过这样一个简单的问题，我想了很久，最后跟他说：“没什么特别想演的角色，好像都可以。”我记得当时他的表情，他看着我，笑了笑，说了一句：“真的没有？”不知为何，那一刻就一直留在我的心里。 这么多年来，我会不时想起那位导演的这个问题，每次都会觉得羞愧，我觉得这个问题是那么的简单，对我自己却又那么的重要，而我的回答又是那么的悲哀。就如每天都吃饭，当有人问你：“你最喜欢吃的菜是什么？” 然后居然没有一样是特别喜欢的。 没有喜欢，没有“想要”的生活是什么概念？这个问题是一种单纯，一个梦想。我过后发现自己在追逐梦想的过程当中，只追求目标和结果，却失去了某些单纯的东西，忘记了问一下自己的感受。在生活中，没有喜恶，在热爱的工作中，没有喜恶，什么都可以，没有了“想”，一切变得理所当然，是很悲哀的事。 艺术创作都必须是两者的结合 我尝试过很多不同的角色，以前演戏，就好像有些人对“好演员”的理解，像一块橡皮泥，想把它捏成什么样子都可以，导演想怎样就怎样，剧本要我怎样就怎样，完全没有自己的角度，没有自己的理解，没有判断，没有价值观，都是按照别人的看法和方法来实现，只会变成一个道具。 我觉得任何的艺术创作都必须是两者的结合，演员如果没有自己的观点和看法，作品便没有了灵魂。如果一名政客，没有主见，人云亦云，没有信仰，没有善恶好坏，会多么恐怖？没有这些的艺人，谈何创新？自己对自己做的东西都没有感觉，如何感动别人？经常会听到人家说：“我用心做。”何谓心？ 其实在各行各业，在工作的时候都需要有自己的感受和观点，社会越成熟，制度越完善，在做事的时候会有一条固定的程序了，有时就如进入了自动驾驶模式一样，更重要的是要回想一下：我觉得……" 这是我认为阿武写得比较感性的一篇。 我们想要的东西很多, 即便是很简单的都好。但往往似乎会因为把其他自认为是比较重要的事情摆在优先的考量, 所以忘了追求被自己归类为不那么重要的东西。昨天去跟司先生吃饭前, 我其实考虑了好一阵子要不要去。我是想去的, 但一方面地方远, 一方面想回家睡大头觉, 觉得目前的人生没...

Mr. SYX texted at 5pm when I was about to leave my comfy spot at Starbucks, and asked to meet for dinner an hour later, as if we both lived in the central of Singapore when in actual fact I was in the west and he, north. I gladly obliged, though. Because he is one of those people I would still see even when I'm trying to fade away from the whole world. We had an almost tacit consensus to dine at Concorde's foodcourt. I decided he would be my new mutant friend who also masters the art of telepathy. I had been longing for the Korean foodthere for the longest time since its renovation but guess what? I only finished half my food today. Clearly, I need a little more time. SYX, for once, commented that I seemed to have lost weight. That was so worth whipping out a tissue paper please. I have always thought that when a close friend who knows you're going through a painful phase tells you that you have slimmed down, it is a very sweet thing. Because they bother to look into your w...

Sunday again. Starbucks again. My soyed latte again. Today the craving for something sweet beckons so I have my beverage accompanied by a toasted banana walnut muffin. I like it when Sunday's like this. I don't care if people say I'm a spendthrift, drinking expensive coffee on such regular basis, I don't want to care. I need it. The strap of my watch broke yesterday before I left house and so I have been spending the past two days "timelessly". It was kinda... good. A few times I lost track of time, only to realise later that time passes that quickly. That's something worth being thankful for, when days feel so endless. While I was contemplating to get a new watch or not, I tried to recall the time I bought the current watch. I surprised myself. Every little thing, these days, somehow just lead me back to all those times which I very badly want to erase. I suppose that's why the strap broke? Maybe it's a hint. At least that's what I thought. Or...

Tacenda. One of the most beautiful English words ever coined.

If the distance between the bottom and the opening of the black hole is a thousand steps, I think I might have moved a step forward today. I still had my nightmares, my brunch still tasted bland. But watching the latest episode of Asia's Next Top Model 2 kept me occupied, mentally. And then I watched the second last episode of SIAC. Tonight's the last episode. That, honestly, is very demoralising. In the month of March, that serial has been why I'm still sane. The end of it is so going to render me... I don't know, lost maybe? These days I have been a regular at the weather forecast website. Precipitation at 3pm, it stated. And I patiently waited. It did. For 5 minutes. Not the kind of big raindrops that would pelt down in torrents. But good enough. Simple dinner with WX before we supported S at his concert. I was secretly delighted over dinner. The taste of pepper in the cream sauce was pretty noticeable. The texture of the linguine, appropriate and sufficient. Finally...

1. Read a good book. 2. Watch a good TVB drama. 3. Sing Ah Mei's songs. 4. Finish a packet of Lays chips (has to be barbecue flavour). 5. A cold shower. 6. A beautiful sky. 7. Stare hard at the picture I took with AhWU. 8. Soyed green tea latte. 9. Receive a postcard. 10. Send a card to a loved one.  11. Meet an old friend. 12. Grilled nuggets. 13. Talk to act-cute Shaun. 14. Retail therapy. 15. Wake up in the morning without the alarm clock.  All these used to prove effective. For the past one week, point one to fifteen took place. I like(d) novels that use letters in their storylines. Last night, the lines in the book were just words and they were not registered in my head. Felt more like an eyesight test. Maybe SIAC (the latest favourite TVB drama) would help. I clicked on the episode I stopped at. Ten minutes later, I shut the window. I grilled myself seven nuggets. By the time I put the last one into my mouth, it struck me that I forgot I was eating nuggets.  I spent...

I came back to a disappointing email. There's nothing to be too upset about. Because I'm used to it. I'm just amazed at how I still don't give up. Is this a virtue? To be frank, I'm tired. And the weather forecast lied. It didn't rain.

似乎提到雨的歌曲我都会蛮喜欢的。 曾经有个人问我，为什么我这么喜欢下雨天。 我答不出。 他一口咬定是我曾经跟什么人在雨中漫步。 我现在有答案了。 不因为任何人。 也不会因为什么人。 只因为雨天可以让心更平静。 天气预报说今天会下雨。 我在等着呢。 今天的我，很需要一场暴风雨。 话说，早上喝了一杯奶茶。 现在心跳得厉害。 这种感觉让我又爱又恨。

They say, change is the only constant thing in life. I could never agree more. In fact I have always believed that the most challenging thing in life is keeping up with changes. In all honesty, I'm a fickle person too. I have never, in any attempt, tried to deny that. But it does me no justice if I'm used as a comparison alongside another person who is hardly marked by constancy, too. Well, I will spare the details, since I know it in my heart that no words can render me innocent anyway. So, is there really no constancy to speak of in this world? This question set me thinking really hard. I got a few on my mental list during my 30-minute journey home from lessons. Angie's faith in love is constant. For as long as I have known her (well enough, i.e. since we were sixteen), she has always asked me to believe in true love. It's not a matter of whether I    do or not, at least it doesn't matter anymore, but that she never gives up on that idea. I wonder how much courage...

CAN WE CHANGE WHO WE ARE AND UNITE?

"...Cos' I finally know what I have to do. And I know it in my heart that it is right." Any Marvel movie on TV at this time of the day could make me a happy person!

Since a few days back when I discovered all my lessons for today had been brought forward to other days in the week, I was actually very looking forward to today because I thought I could finally have a whole day to myself. There was however too much to do, hence I had to stay home. But Sunday evenings should never be wasted. My new favourite thing now is walking on an endless path on a Sunday evening and listening to Sodagreen's 我好想你. This combination always makes my heart at peace. I picked up a book at Popular and rashly made payment. Two days ago I needed to sing. Now I need a book. The title appealed to me, so did the cover. Well, yes. Sometimes I am but a person who literally judges a book by its cover. I didn't manage to have a cup of coffee at Starbucks so I decided I would get a matcha soyed latte from Jollibean. It was certainly more economical, but also a lot more disappointing. The evening was short, I never saw that coming. When I came out of the NTUC, the sky had ...

The nicest thing today is going to Mr. Yeo's place to tutor her girl. For once, I saw her smile. That made me very happy. Since the first time I met her at the wake, I hadn't seen her smile. She's actually a very cute girl. They asked me to stay for lunch. I had a short chat with Shimu and Mr. Yeo's mother. The latter may be old, but she's young at heart and a very nice and friendly lady. Shimu seemed to be getting more cheerful and that was nice to know. My journey back to the west was far but, I felt light-hearted. I am glad to be able to do something to repay Mr. Yeo. I hope he's doing great up there. I'm trying very, very hard to finish all the work I have on hand, so that I can watch my show >.< I really, really like how anticipation has been injected to my life all over again. The whole day my mind is filled with the show. The storyline may be slightly cheesy but I just love it!!!  JIAYOU!!!

This one today is likely a summary of the thoughts that I think out loud today. I'm beginning to wonder if I have gradually (and perhaps quicker than each time before) mastered the art of healing. The thoughts running through my head today were messy, but somehow I managed to sort them. Not by period nor duration, because there's no timeline concept in my head, anymore. Not by the degree of pain, because they all hurt the same. Certainly not by order of importance, because nothing matters so much anymore. I have heard that there's this dialogue between Alice and the rabbit in the famous tale Alice in Wonderland. Alice asks, "How long is forever?" The rabbit replies, "Sometimes, it's just one second." I'm not sure if people made this up because I have never read the novel (I raised the white flag after the first few pages many years ago). But I came across this a couple of times and always thought of it as something melancholic. Today I suddenly s...

"To dream that a dog bites you on the leg suggests that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. Alternatively, it symbolizes disloyalty. To dream that someone is bitten by a dog indicates a betrayal. You feel that you have been wronged by this person... To see a black colored dog in your dream symbolizes the shadow aspect of a friend. The dark side of someone close to you is being revealed and you are able to see through to their true intentions."

I think Heaven is very nice to me these two days. It sent me rain to calm me. And indeed, I have loved the weather. Student has been very nice. Yesterday he gave me a snack his aunt got him from Korea. I ate it. Delicious. Today he gave me another one his mother got him from Candy Empire. It looks yummy. I decided to share it with my best friend tomorrow. I guess I'm learning how to derive joy from the slightest thing, if that's the fundament to true happiness. I didn't use to like snacks. In fact, I actually didn't like it when my friends gave or offered me snacks. Because I'm not the snacks kind of person, I only eat them when I have the craving. But these days I recall this good friend of mine who used to be easily contented upon receiving snacks. To me it has always been a joy that's purely innocent. And that was why I had enjoyed giving her snacks all the time. Snacks are still not my kind of thing, but I'm going to learn to appreciate the little little...

最近一直在做转写。现在在做的是一位翻译家的演讲。 他的真知灼见是很让人大开眼界。 我听了，最想做的就是跟姚老师讨论，听听他的意见。 我想，他一定会毫无保留地分享他的看法。 老师，你在上面过得好吗？ 我们还是很惦记着你的。

27 March: The Winter Soldier 1 May: The Amazing Spiderman 2 23 May: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST (after three years of waiting...) Bryan Singer please live longerrrrrr. 9 April: CLIF 3 Must aspire to finish all my work now!

The noon was so bad I thought I would die from depression soon. It was miraculous how I slowly got out of it after going out for class. Must be the rain :) and I do realise how having lessons does always make me feel slightly better. At least kids are easily contented, a lot easier than us adults. I stopped looping Ah Mei's songs today. I decided I need new elements for myself to wake up from this nightmare. And many friends texted today. They have received the love I sent, and that made me happy :) Random note: I just realised that both M and Y said the same thing to me over whatsapp yesterday after our GTL meeting: Good things will come your way soon. There's something that touches the heart, every day.

This is bad, very, very bad.

Last Tuesday night I shivered in bed. I did again today, outside. I had lost every ounce of strength to take a bus home I had to cab. The last time I took a cab home out of sadness was 11 January 2011. That scene is still so lucid in my head. I broke my number one rule today. And that was talking about it. By the time I was making my way home I really regretted it. Because even though the past few days weren't extremely joyous at least they were pretty peaceful. And I myself broke that peace today. Over dinner with GTL, M shared her encounters at work. I could tell she was almost on the verge of tears so I patted her on the shoulder and said don't worry you'll be fine. Who would have thought that the next moment I was the one on the verge of tears and she had to pat my shoulder and tell me I would be fine. So we are just humans after all. Our hearts can only take that much. I'm so ambivalent. On one hand I hate myself for having brought it up, yet I felt understood afte...

我现在坐着的位置呢, 有很多人。 不, 我不是在星巴克里。 上午去过了, 一天 不能喝太多咖啡。否则人会太清醒。 这里有小孩, 学生, 大人。 有的结伴, 有的三五成群。 有的跟我一样, 一个人。 这时我发现, 原来新加坡也有很多让人独处的地方。问题在于, 你想不想? 你怕不怕? 有的人不敢一个人, 因为害怕闷, 害怕别人看到自己一个人, 会嘲笑自己是个寂寞的人。 寂寞有什么好笑的? 最可怕的不是寂寞, 是一群人围着你但你依然寂寞。 所以我学会了跟寂寞做朋友。 今天咏恩问我为什么最近一直喝咖啡。我说我在疗伤。 那一定是最白痴的理由。 有的人喝了咖啡会因为咖啡因的刺激而心跳加速。 我是这种人。 这种时候, 唯有咖啡让我觉得自己还活着。 因为活着, 所以必须记得还有很多事要去完成。 就算是个烂借口, 至少我在给自己一个没有理由沉沦的理由。

Monday wasn't so blue that I forgot it was Monday. I woke up feeling really reluctant to leave the bed because the weather was so good my room was like air-conditioned. I took a nap today. It made me realise I missed taking naps after all, especially on rainy days. Heaven has been nice to bless us with the long awaited weathers these days. So much of a bonus in fact. I did a hundred crunches today instead of my usual fifty because the weather didn't allow me to swim. I haven't read i weekly since my birthday. It was last week's issue which featured my favourite yangyi on the cover. My simple happiness today was to read a magazine on my bed after spending a couple of hours on work. I just want to keep things this simple.

SM is now my favourite thing/person/fantasy for the moment. :D Thank you for making me feel alive, now.

So it rained. Everyone cheered. I always think Singaporeans are fussy. They complain about floods in December and then they beg for rain after the rainy season. I am a true pluvophile in Singapore, so the first thing I did early this morning was walk in the rain and feel the cool wind on my face. That was extremely nostalgic. I thought Sunday was going to be gloomy because of the short-lived rain but nope, it poured later in the afternoon and evening. I could never explain that peace in me. It was a hectic Sunday, but somehow I never really felt tired. It was good, of course. I came to this realisation today, that some things have changed. I didn't get to the bottom of things, I no longer have that kind of courage and energy. I am happy with the wounds healing and leaving them as they are. I don't deny that I'm still shrouded in that whole accusation thing, but I dare to say I have never tried expressing any feelings of suppression or unhappiness, to anyone, simply because ...

Best friends are... Listening to the same healing songs everyday and when the songs are taken down from Youtube, life's a mess. I like it when best friend likes the healing songs I like :D

I can't explain my lethargy.

There is always this surge of ambivalence when it comes to meeting people I don't see on a very frequent basis. The bad being, they tend to ask questions about your life and that you can't answer, unless of course you're ready to share every little detail without fearing for any sorts of judgement. Or you sometimes just don't trust enough to share. The good being, you just talk about superficial topics, and those usually end the group up in a roar of laughter, which you know, really makes people happy too. Now I suddenly realise conversations that are only skin-deep aren't that bad after all. They are happy pills. At least I really enjoyed my time spent with the primary school clique today. They are ever so spontaneous, a lot more than me. And I had a good catch up with M. She was my best friend in primary school and I really only came to discover last year that she is the only one who has been sending me Christmas cards every year. I'm so thankful. They really ...

It's a busy Thursday. I like to be busy. In fact, I think I ought to be a lot busier than this. At least it's much better than staring into blank space and over-thinking. Last night we visited Z's work place. I like seeing that she's really happy there, with her working environment, with the people there, with the animals I never used to see her come in contact with. In the car, I shared with them what happened. And they started arguing over who should be at fault. I didn't like to see them argue. And I didn't think anyone was at fault. But I felt a warm fuzzy feeling when I heard what my two besties said, "She shouldn't be hearing all these and going back to what she was like." I don't really know what I was like. But I know I must have been a very wimpy kid. Thank you, for loving me so dearly still, even though I have been harping on the same thing, unwilling to move on. I know they are probably sick of hearing the same tales. I shall, put my...

I used the last ten dollar note in my wallet to get myself a cup of caramel macchiato. The last time I allowed my wallet to be this empty was probably in secondary school. I never liked the feeling of not having a single penny with me. It felt insecure. And I never really liked caramel but I acually got myself a caramel macchiato. It wasn't the usual soyiced green tea latte. I had been sticking to it for the past one to two years after quitting white mocha frap. So I just did two things which I thought I would never let happen. It occurred to me today, that it's pointless to stick to one thing for too long. If you are going to hold on to it because you're afraid its loss will make you feel lost, then one day when you really lose it, your world will crumble. The only thing that I held on to the longest and never disappointed me was AhWU, and to a small extent, sam. No wonder, M could love sgi that much, and Y, her One Piece craze. Maybe I should rewatch all my X-Men DVDs aga...

我在理智的边缘徘徊，不断地告诉自己要悬崖勒马。 有些人安慰你说会跟你并肩作战，但原来把你推下火坑的是他们。 如果我有办法看到自己的心，我想它一定在愈合的伤口上又多了一道伤口。 所以现在才会隐隐作痛。 我不会去找任何人做任何解释。 反正已经流逝的也不会再回来。说这么多，真的还有用吗？ 不知不觉，三月已经过了11天。 我的故事也已经到了第70页。 只希望在我完全复原之前，这个世界可以给我一点透气的空间。

I'm sorry for all the bad feelings I have made you feel. I can't help but reiterate the fact that each time, I hurt too. But why can't you see it?

Tuesday is always the day I feel like there are 28 hours instead of 24 because it just feels so long and tiring. On top of that, I'm really beginning to feel the heat and haze in the atmosphere. The pool was such a savior today, but I only managed eight laps because I was swimming with so much resistance today and I had only forty-five minutes to spare. I believe the calories from the sumptuous meals in Tokyo have greatly increased my inertia. How disastrous. I was struggling to refrain from watching Storm in a Cocoon because I thought I had better get some things done for the week. Just thinking about Steven Ma makes me melt, so I decided I'll watch five episodes in one go during the weekend. The walk to LL laoshi's place is always long yet enjoyable. I left a packet of Tokyo Bananas at his place since he wasn't home. He called an hour later to thank me. It is always nice to hear from my favourite teacher :) Cute Angie read a poem on treasuring one's loved ones and...

这是第三次碰到了。 第一次, 我很害怕。怕彼此尴尬。 第二次, 我很着急。担心相对无言。 这次, 我坐在那里没动。心里很平静。像是看到一个比较眼熟的陌生人一样。 我也不知道这样是可喜还是可悲。 曾经是无所不谈的知己。现在竟沦落成擦身而过的陌生人。 甚至在背后说三道四。 有些事情大概就是那么不堪一击。时间不是每次都是最好的基础。 但绝对是最好的证明。 至少它证明了我已经在慢慢放下。

作詞：Hush 作曲：郭文賢 編曲：Martin  Tang 從日落到日出時針走過一個圈 沿途找尋曾經遇見分針的地點 開心大笑那個早晨被藏在哪邊 獨自徘徊的那些深夜　輾轉難眠 跟著你的影子走在長長的路上 領著你的陽光總是走得好前面 我們一起經過花開花謝的季節 就算打雷也不曾退卻　一路向前 可是雨天常把一切　變得不那麼簡單 我的時間淋了雨水　也已經無從計算 雨還是不停地落下　沖散了擁擠的世界 可是沒有人離別　因為相信會有晴天的出現 陪你曬乾回憶一起面對 雨還是不停地落下　淹沒了瘋狂的諾言 可是我沒有走遠　你知道我一直等在雨裡面 陪你一起度過下雨的時間 從日落到日出時間轉動了世界 也許原地不動也許我們又往前 光陰中的天色變換終於都體會 快或慢的錯覺都珍貴　片刻永遠 我一直沒有走遠 天再黑我還是等在雨裡面 陪你一起度過下雨的時間 送给我所有的朋友！！！ 大家加油！！

Frankly I'm extremely beat now and my eyelids weigh tonnes but I had a super late and heavy dinner so I can't possibly sleep now without some bedtime exercises done after digestion. The flight home was eight hours inclusive of an hour transit. But it felt really long. Did that mean I was looking forward to returning home? Even if there was any anticipation, I guess it diminished right after I touched down. The heat, the haze, the kind of world I am always wanting to escape from. Gosh. Thirty-five minutes before we landed, many thoughts were running through my head. I shall try to pen them down while I remember, not in any particular order, of course. 1. Japan is really, really a beautiful place. I like how Japanese are generally friendly and humble. They may lead very fast-paced lives but they are hardly angsty unlike most of us. It amazes me how they always bow very sincerely to others. Their humility to serve really inspires. The country itself has too many idealistic landsca...

Really touched.

我要把所有的曾经留在这里。 告别昨天。 新的开始, 你好。 我会好好对你, 请你也好好对我。

3月8日。晴。 今天天气算是不错。又或者我已经慢慢习惯了这种严寒。 今天好早就起床, 去了世界最大的鱼市场。终于在人群中听到熟悉的新加坡式英语。我发现自己在国外常常会很期待找到这种熟悉感。是不是人真的都喜欢离开自己熟悉的一切到一个陌生的地方去, 然后又在陌生的环境中寻找一份归属感? 至少我觉得我是这个样子的。 下午经过一个大公园。满地的枯叶, 一群学生在草地上跳绳玩游戏。像极了偶像剧里的画面, 好写意。 这几天一直在世界最繁忙的渋谷十字路口过马路到我们住的民宿, 但却没有好好地看看这个十字路口。于是我们便做了一件我一直很喜欢做的事 -- 到星巴克去看着来来往往的人群。从星巴克的二楼往下看, 就会发现这个十字路口确实并非浪得虚名。我大概从没看过一次过那么多人一起过马路。那样的景观也算是很壮观的。 突然想起一些连续剧的某情节喜欢用两个相爱的人过着繁忙马路接着擦肩而过的桥段。渋谷的这个十字路口应该再适合不过了。 如果分开的两个人还能在人海茫茫中相遇, 那就真的是缘分了。 但缘分这回事总不会再敲一次门。 还是不要太相信的好。

活了二十四年, 终于看到雪了。 第一个想到的竟是在林立老师课堂上听过的那些诗人。 雪下得很小, 但还是很有feel的。 很短暂。但我想美好的时刻往往都是很短暂的吧? 因为短暂, 所以觉得美好。 今天去了东京铁塔。 脑子里一直播着静茹的《会呼吸的痛》。 2009那年很喜欢这首歌。当时就对自己说, 找一天一定要到东京铁塔看看。 没想到2014年就发生了那么多第一次。 然后才想起, 前年的冬天这首歌也回荡在耳边。 原来我们说的话从来就不算数。 好吧, 我要听旺霖的。把所有的事情留在这里, 无忧无虑地回去。 "你总说, 时间还很多, 你可以等我。以前我不懂得, 未必明天就有以后。"

3月6日。晴。 晴天是因为有太阳。但温度是四度。好恐怖。 下午去了明治神宫。 里面有一个水盆, 是让人进行一个洗手的仪式用的。 告示牌上说, 进行仪式前要先洗涤自己的心灵, 以一个纯净的心去进行仪式。 我在想: 好难哦。 心因外在环境而受污染。被污染的心真的可以变回纯净吗?

3月5日。雨天。 这不是新加坡的雨天, 而且是那种绵长的雨, 不是我喜欢的新加坡暴风雨。 从快铁出来, 寒风刺骨。我到底是发了什么疯, 干嘛要相信我哥说这个时候的东京不会冷。 这种下雨的冬天让我想起2012年的南京。要人命。 但也因为冷冷的天气, 日本人的友善和礼貌让人倍感温暖。 我意外地发现走在东京的街上其实是挺有亲切感的。 又是冷冷的天, 穿着厚厚的冬衣, 走在人来人往的大街上。 今日的一个领悟是, 越不在意的, 越可以对它洒脱。 所以还有一部分的我是自私的。 因为我很在意。 但我会慢慢不再在意。 然后我们大家又会回到最初的时候。 曾经不是有人说过吗? "我们都要快乐。" 我们一定要。

I guess it's always better to say the bad first, so there goes... I committed a terrible mistake early this morning. Now I'm not even sure if I will get to rectify it. This is seriously bad. And definitely dramatic. Heaven must bless me. I gained one kg again. The price to pay for succumbing to hunger at eleven pm. While I grieve I cannot regret my actions for my mum had given me a choice between eating and not but I opted for the former. Cheese and mayonnaise. Gone case. Student 3 was really rude today. Usually I put up with all his nonsense because he is always getting scoldings from everyone else. Today he went overboard I decided he needed to be dealt with. He said I'm blessed with a loud voice. I proved him right. I think he regretted that. The lift at my student's block was down. I had to take the stairs down. Going down was easy. But at the 5th storey, my world spun. Thankful I made it to the ground level. The good. I made myself a nice ham sandwich with egg in t...

Thankful that I had been a good student during college years! My teachers are so helpful!!! :)

脑子里一直在想象一个场景。每次浮现, 我都问自己会怎么做。但我从来就没有答案。近来我竟然常在梦里复习这件事。梦里的我处理起来很简单。但醒来后我知道自己没法那么潇洒。最近人人都在说很久没有下雨了。其实我并没有注意到。我还是喜欢下雨, 但也许对我而言我心里的雨从没停过, 所以可能不会去留意外头是否下过雨。今天搭了旅途很长的巴士。一路上看到很多阿武的咖啡广告。他又回来了。那个感觉很好。天气很热。我去超市买了一罐啤酒, 想说反正小妹都回宿舍了, 家里只剩下我一个人, 那我就一个人在家里的一个角落买醉。付了钱, 我花了大概二十分钟步行回家。傍晚的太阳并不比较仁慈。踏进家门, 汗流夹背。但那感觉不错, 一路上想了很多。一切慢慢回到最初的时候。如果扣除中间的部分, 其实起点和终点根本没有任何差别。最多, 是多了道疤。于是我觉得保持清醒还是挺重要的 (而且根据德明的说法喝啤酒不会醉), 所以就把啤酒放一边, 不让自己太沉沦。 人不能无忧。最无奈的大概是有苦自己知。就算有可以分享的人, 也不知道如何启齿, 又或者害怕说了只会让自己更激动。难怪他们说沉默的人, 经历比任何人都多。也许这类人学会了将所有的苦吞下去。 三月了。真是不知不觉。 目前的困境, 难以言喻, 我没有办法解释有多难。我也知道外头有大把人面临更困难的事, 所以我不该埋怨。路怎样都得走下去。 今天算是开心。好久没有那么喜欢一部新港剧了。 想念迷恋马俊伟的日子!!!

My heart is uncannily at peace since I left home in the evening. One thing I really, really enjoy these days is having my earpiece plugged in and with Ah-Mei's songs on loop while I'm on the bus. Today was Stephanie Sun's new songs in her new album. They were amazingly effective for healing. I had enjoyed the peace the songs brought me. I love buying stuff at Candy Empire because the snacks there just make the world seem more magical and desirable. I finally got the m&m chocolate bar which I had been eyeing since January. But I decided I will not open it until I have tea with my sis. She likes to call the time we spend together "sister-bonding time" even though we always end up talking crap. On my way to meet Edwin, a guy holding a piece of paper approached me. I thought he was probably going to promote a product or anything of that sort, so I waved to gesture that I wasn't interested. Then I walked off. Thirty seconds later, whatever came over me, I turne...

作詞：潘協慶 作曲：郭文賢 編曲：蔡明耀 尚好的青春都是你 再遙遠都跟隨你 若滂沱大雨 不曾見證 海角相偎依 衣角怎麼會濕淋淋 尚好的青春都是你 沒有片刻不想你 就算能真在對的時間 遇見對的你 遺失的青春怎能回得去 千萬記得天涯有人在等你 風再疾再狂我也不放棄 願為你 直到有一刻能守著你的心 就算你不會懂也不會可惜 千萬記得天涯有人在等待 路程再多遙遠不要不回來 不去想不去計量你的心 有多明白 前往幸福的路有多少阻礙 就算給你的愛 石沉大海 青春飛逝就再 找不回來

爸爸 (Deming) is a nice man. We had Korean food for dinner and he really listened to me attentively even though we technically only spent an hour together. And he accompanied me to Fairprice to get my seedless grapes which are what I need every day these days. And I really did feel better after talking to him.