past.

Is it me or is it Singapore's sky? I've been observing the sky for the longest time, since last week. I observe everyday. On the bus, while walking home, or when I'm in the school library taking a break from doing my work. I realise that whether is it sunny, cloudy or rainy, the sky is always so beautiful. These few days in particular, the skies are purplish and sometimes yellowish, just before the sun sets. I tend to bring my G12 out more frequently these days because I thought it would be nice to capture the lovely colours up there. Of course, the clouds are always a plus point to the beauty. I'm not sure if it's the same in places out of Singapore, but I am sure it is. For technically speaking, we are all under the same sky, right? I just thought it's weird. It took me 21 years to realise that we've always been under such beautiful sky and we never learn to appreciate it. Mother Nature is really gorgeous. Have you noticed it? Maybe it's time.

如果每个人都有想要放弃的时候，我的时刻是现在。

我一直都知道我们处在同一片天空下，但我也一直希望我们不会在同一片土地上。我的人生从此再不需要你，所以我不想再看到你。不管是你一个人，还是和别人，我都没有兴趣知道你过得好不好。我需要过我自己的人生。所以请你就算看到我，也不要跟我打招呼。我只想当作不认识你。 今天真的像做了场梦。很虚幻。看见你抱着她，我想起我以前最害怕看到的事。但很多事都变了，你也变了，我的感觉也变了。我不知道剩下的还有什么。其实最美好的事就是什么都没剩下。假若你有给我留下任何一丝回忆，那才是最残忍的。所以我对你最大的感激，就是你没有留下任何痕迹。 但那个痛，我会一直记得。 Today is overall a good day because I had brunch with Ohanies (met full strength today) and it was a very productive day in the school library with Tinghui :)

I had a dose of happy pills/best friends today. We had Macs breakfast before walking around in the new mall and chilling in Starbucks. We were as crazy as usual and it helped me feel a lot better during this tense period. After today, I must work even harder. About 6 more weeks. I'm not sure if you have lost your principles. I don't really want to bother anymore. We choose our own paths.

Life has been truly hectic, as you can tell from my lack of posts these days. Things are very much a routine, so much so that I probably failed to notice even the smallest things in my life, which explains why I haven't really been blogging. Life revolves around school and uni friends and projects. The only breather any of us  could take was perhaps that from mealtimes or bus rides heading towards home. Mealtimes have become exceptionally frequent such that I wonder if we are really hungry, or that eating was just an excuse to take a break from the never-ending projects. The usual bunch has been very supportive and I think this is a very clear factor why I'm still persevering. I realised, on the way home today, that I kept pressing 'Next' on the ipod when it played emo songs. Not that I am happy (but I am not unhappy either), but I felt I wasn't in the mood to be emo, or I don't have the time now to emo. Everyone else is gritting their teeth and trying to finish...

1. I think I really lack perseverance. 2. I think I am weak. 3. I think I am extremely lazy. 4. I think I am not trying hard enough. 5. I think I suck. And now, I want to try to change all these.

昨晚下了一场大雨，这也许就是为什么今天的空气那么潮湿的原因。虽然一整天凉凉的，但潮湿的空气让人觉得很不舒服，不舒服得让人心情不好。我不知道是否其他人都跟我一样是这么想的，但我总感觉今天周围的人都不怎么开心，脸上缺乏笑容，充满倦意。我知道大家最近都很忙，别人不说，就说我周围的中文系同`学，个个都喊忙。可想而知，大家这几天肯定都没睡个好觉。睡眠不足是很辛苦的，难怪大伙儿最近都怪怪的。我真的可以感觉到那种功课繁多的压力压着同学们，也压着我。最近天天都要天黑了才能回家，大家觉得累，却别无选择。我如常的尽力说些冷笑话想要逗逗大家笑一笑，虽然有够冷的，但大家还是很捧场。我在想，近来大家的笑容是否是真诚的？如果笑容不是发自内心，那是很辛苦的。我还真有点担心，周围的人因为功课压力，忘了怎么会心地笑。 今天上课之前和大伙儿聊天，突然意识到亭慧这个学期结束后就毕业了。说到这里，她说了句“我真的希望早点认识你们。”听到这句话，我的心突然一阵凉意，有那么一点感伤。从这个学期一开始，我们一直都是一起上课，一起吃饭，一起讨论作业，一起回家。尤其在一起回家的途中，我们在巴士上有说有笑，慢慢互相了解，谈些八卦，无形中我们几个建立了一种特殊的友谊。没想到转眼间，做同学的缘分已尽。但愿还能保持联络，让友谊长存。

我觉得自己像一杯倒满的水，满得水都溢出来了。

Yup, we finally went to the long-awaited Fish's mini concert and I must say she really has the vocals. Most of all, despite all the happy songs in her latest album, she maintained her usual style as she sang the old few emo tracks which I really like. Overall, it was good performance! And then it was dinner and chilling with the people. It was like old times, when everyone else was around. I do miss and enjoy times like these when we would hang out late at night and do crazy acts. Oh and Fish was right, her songs really helped me through a period which was so tough. Thank goodness these memories have evaporated.

For the longest time, I hate to say, I've been living in denial. I didn't want to get out of that box because I didn't want to attach any negativity to your name and maybe because I just chose to cover up that portion of you. Today, you lost your principles. Perhaps we all lose ours when the time comes for us to do so. But I'm sorry that yours isn't what I can accept. It's true, you never hurt me. Then why have I always felt so lost? Then I realised, all along I've only enjoyed that feeling of pursuing, the walking behind you and feeling good about it. But I never once thought of embracing what I've pursued. And so, when you were out of my world, I felt like I lost the pursuit that I've been trying to achieve for so long. Now, I've got used to the absence of that pursuit that I feel like I have directions, finally. Ironic? I thought pursuits give us directions and you were that direction in my life. Then I realised paths seem a lot clearer when I...

Mother Earth flared up again today. I really believe the speculations are true. And I hope, we do not provoke her again because I just want us to be whole.

Overall, it is a good day today :) 1. Lunch with CH friends and we laughed like nuts all the way till lesson started. 2. I talked quite a lot during lesson today and I didn't speak nonsense. Teacher said "好" twice. 3. I got full marks for assignment. 4. Found some useful info for assignment. 5. Dinner with Yonggee and chatted. 6. Mediacorp emailed me and told me to go down for interview next week. 7. Blue's press conference was a success. 8. Blue's new track "I Can" is out!!!!! OHMYGAD I WAITED FOR SIX YEARS! I really can't express how excited I am now please. My mood before this was 8. Now it's 10.1! Ohmy, please, God you're so kind to me.

今天起来的时候，空气很干燥，又很热，简直像在沙漠。我换好衣服，准备上学。到了车站，汗流浃背，期待赶快到学校的图书馆吹吹冷气。 到了学校图书馆，我坐下来温习功课。才一会儿时间，就到上课时间了。踏出图书馆，已经是乌云密布。天气和女人一样——善变。 上完课，我独自到食堂吃晚餐。一个人，不需要找任何话题，不需要害怕尴尬而说话，不需要迁就，不需要配合，感觉不错。吃完饭，我又独自到图书馆温习功课。图书馆是个好地方，免费的电，免费的冷气，安全，舒服，真是没话说。 回家的时候，巴士好挤。我提早下了车，到超市买了盒饼干，打算明天跟同学们分享。然后又搭车回家。 回家看到一堆事情要做，郁闷。妈妈回来后，放了一碗冷冷的补汤在我桌上，要我把它喝完，说喝了会睡得比较好。问题是，我晚上要是喝太多水会睡得不好。喝还是不喝？我讨厌补汤。放下了碗，她开始念。她又叫我念荣誉学位了。我真的不知道我要说几次，我。真。的。不。要。念。荣。誉。学。位。 因为她的话，我心情好差。差得想哭出来。我觉得没人理解。

Dear GL I really, really wish you would try harder. You're not performing up to standards. JIAYOU GL! Regards Your voice of reason

I kept thinking about what Eric said to me earlier, "A passing phase continues to be one because no action is taken." And so I really wanted to do something about it. I went to the HKU website to read up on the information I needed. I was so tempted to click 'apply'. And then I hesitated, I did not click after all. Money. Money was the issue. It was also courage. I didn't have the courage to tell my mum about this because I know she would start vexing herself over money and she would ask me if it's worth it. Many told me that I also had to fret over proving my mum right. But that wasn't really the case. I never really bothered to do anything to prove my mum right because she believes in me once a decision is made, whatever the decision is. Everyone's been telling me it's "so wasted" to give up now. I do not really think that's the case because we should always strive towards our dreams, right? I just feel that life is too long and too...

Dear Conscience, 我坚持的都值得坚持吗? 我所相信的就是真的吗? 如果我敢追求我就敢拥有吗? 而如果都算了不要呢? Maybe I should be glad that from that start I didn't try to fight for it or even persist. Because ultimately it won't be mine. What I persist on might not be worth the persistence; what I believe might not be true; and what I fight for I might not have the courage to embrace it. Some things are nicest at a distance, not when they are yours. Just imagine, maybe the beauty of it all will be ruined once it becomes yours. I'm not accepting it only now, but it is now that I really believe that he's the one for her. And so I can only hope for both to be happy. There's so much more out there waiting for me to realise. Thank you conscience, for you've not done anything more than you should. You've fulfilled the calmness and rationality that you promised, and because of this fulfilment, you've become more patient and more positive about things. Thank you for having this wish that t...

又是对你了解的另一细节在世上蒸发。我想还会有更多更多的东西慢慢蒸发。蒸发不是因为它们消失，而是处于另一种状态，一种我自己也再也看不到的状态。也许这样我才会慢慢地往前走。 希望你下辈子别改名字 让我可以再找你一次。 Math paper was rather okay today and I'm hoping a 90% at least. But that's true, don't pin high hopes then you won't feel that painful when you fall. I need to rediscover myself before the semester ends. There's still a little time left. Hopefully still in time.

Have a blessed birthday Fel! (though it came a little late) Thanks for being genuinely cute and sincere and just yourself, these are really what I like about you :) I hope you liked the surprise :) I never appreciated surprise, nor surprising people. But I think the latter is a lot better because it's about making loved ones happy. But I won't, and don't know how to look happy when others surprise me. It's sometimes having to act surprised even if I am not. Anyway, as long as my friends are happy, I think that will suffice. The person that my friend likes falls for someone else. I feel upset about it but I think nothing I say will do anything so I didn't say anything. I was reminded of a past that brought back a lot of uncalled for memories. I remember how anything others said had no impact on me at all. I guess that is why I know it's best to keep my mouth shut at times like these. I always believe this is a phase, and we need to get over it. And to do that, we...