past.

朋友第一天上班前对我说的话。 看了真的觉得很温馨。

It was like a war zone. Every step was taken with extra caution, for fear of landmines that could go off at the slightest movement. There was perhaps an option of a kamikaze, but had always remained a last resort. The best defence was never to attack, but to bide one's time. Once in a while, taking a risk was inevitable. Whichever the strategy, no one would come out of these perils without being bruised and battered. Victory or not, we never escape a war unscathed and unhurt, do we? And maybe losing a part of ourselves.

总是以为一觉醒来什么都会变好。但显然, 世事无绝对。

I'm not running out of time. I'm running out of words. To type on this space. To type on the Google search engine which I have been utilizing fully of late for my job hunt. My friends of my batch, most of them start working next week. My friends one year my junior in school, they start practicum next week. Me? I don't know. I sent out a few applications, some responded. I went for a few interviews, none responded. Wait? Yes of course. I am so good at waiting, am I not?   After four months, my fear for that interminable list has finally been lifted yesterday. After the long wait which I thought was going to bear sweet fruits, they decided not to do me any credit. I can't say I am not upset. In fact, I wanted to die. I think I am fine not being a student anymore, but not, not leaving this place. It was... Hard to imagine. Somehow it was rather predictable, especially since friends around me had been wet blankets, I couldn't really bring myself to be too optimistic. BU...

yi gah ngor hor yi dim xun leh? yau mou yan hor yi gau ngor?

我好累。

I have been wanting to discuss about AhWU! I quite like the new show. Finally a plot that is not so cliché and certainly creative and rather realistic. If you had watched the first episode, you realise AhWU takes on a new role once again and this time, a little naughty but one who sticks to his principles. I always like how he interprets his roles. Jason Lam! The second episode makes me think much focus is placed on the female leads in the show. I hope the audience notices AhWU more. He acts very well!

Last night I dreamt a dream I haven't dreamt in a long time. It was so lucid it kept me thinking on my bed for a while after I awoke. In my dream I was going after that figure again, until my alarm went off and jolted me back to reality. I think I was overwhelmed with flabbergast the moment I opened my eyes. I couldn't and still can't justify my dreams. My memory of the past beckoned. Yet I realised I couldn't remember too much. Perhaps, I subconsciously wanted to know more but there was nothing I could do so I had to, dream about it? Shrugs. The website has been stagnant for two days. I went for my third interview today. It didn't go so well but I thought it is a pretty ideal job. And I'm sort of torn between two options. Again. I don't know what to do.

6月25日。星期二。雨天。 昨晚我问自己：不知道明天会不会下雨呢？ 结果真的下了。 还下了冰雹。 我知道，今天一定会下雨的。

我是大坏人。

也不知道这算不算是巧合。但我也清楚, 很多事情是该适可而止。 这对我来说已经很难得了。 谢谢 :)

Sometimes I think no one will ever accept that dark side of me because even I can't accept it myself. Everyone, including myself, is looking for that normal or maybe the more pleasant personality in a person. Just like Logan never gives Jean up because he thinks the Jean he knows is still in there. But what is the point really? Phoenix will always emerge.

It's 1 a.m. and I'm lying in bed, trying to think about myself, my life, and the people around me. My mum has gone overseas. Truth be told, I'm actually feeling a little relieved. She's been putting tremendous pressure on me and for the longest time I have been gasping for air. I am extremely certain my siblings are feeling the same way. My Christian sisters especially. I guess, that is why I am really going to cherish these remaining four days. I met Chris today. We often saw each other around on campus but we have drifted alot since he went up to year 2. I think we are different now. We no longer share things the way we could. Once in a while a sense of unfamiliarity, I won't say awkwardness, intervened our interaction. We still laughed at each other's jokes like old times but things were just different. I guess that's how people drift apart? I joked about how he never asked to meet me these 1.5 years and he laughed that we would meet every 1.5 years from ...

Sometimes you cook up a ridiculous lie and then your best friend exposes you easily. You just needed a hole to hide yourself but no hiding place hides you forever.

I always wonder. If Saturdays could turn out different. I'm so sick and tired.

mut yau keng tin dong dei mut yau zang seng zan mei qin lou yiu yun mou hong hei ling kei mong dou zui hau hwui yat hei zek dou bing tin jut dei ye hwui hoi pin chong mei mou mong yun mei hwui tou wak yau keng hei hang li zoi mun wai nin gei chong zong siong xin ngor hwui na dak hei

Sometimes, whatever I do, I just feel like I'm the bad guy.

终于一口气把这本将近一个月前买的书看完了。 感情的成分很纠结。让人看了觉得很压抑。 我一向不喜欢“大团圆结局”以外的结局。现在还是一样。 但现在又会想想，是不是太完美的结局会让人不太留恋？ 难道有缺口，有遗憾才会刻骨铭心吗？ 是不是因为这样，现在我心里只有一个笨蛋呢？

LL (not 林立老师) called. Perhaps she knew I needed that. I could feel that she was trying not to sound too much like a counsellor, because like she said, according to the code of ethics, a counsellor is not supposed to counsel his or her friends or family. I appreciate that, because she regards me as a friend. While talking to her, I admit, my tears were threatening to fall. I managed to hold them back. If anything, that has always been the only thing I'm best at doing. She asked me many questions, to which we have no answers eventually. I guess I did not expect any solutions in the first place, I am just glad she made me feel better. On my way home just now, I felt a heartache. I am not trying to be figurative. I did feel the pain. It's just that I'm uncertain if that was due to the pollutants in the air these days or... I have been too emotionally battered of late.   Enough of self-wallowing, if that's all I have been doing.   I caught Switch yeste...

How could she? She questioned my ambitions, my aspirations. My sanity was hanging by a thread then, and she snapped that line with her words. I wanted to cry so badly. In fact, I still want to when I am typing these words. I feel like she has poured a bucket of iced water over me. I feel that my world is about to crumble again. After all that I have considered and reminded myself to keep in mind, she questions my dignity. And with other examples to compare myself with, I find this really unfair. How could she? I thought I needed to talk to someone. The words were forming in my head and attempting to come out in the form of speech but when there was apparently someone I could speak to, I didn't know what to say. I keep wondering if I'm losing myself. But I'm not so sure about who I am to begin with. Can all these stop, please?

Sometimes I really enjoy doing this. Sitting at one corner of a Mac restaurant,  feast on a meal. I am a fan of mcnuggets. And I know they are  extremely unhealthy. But someone once told me, don't care about what others say. Eat when you feel like it.

I thought it would be the haze outside that made people choke. Who would have thought that that inside  does the same?   You know that feeling? Of being driven to a corner such that you can't breathe, nor can you throw in the towel because the ring is not enclosed but an open field. You cannot battle, you cannot retaliate. Yet you cannot back off, because what's behind you is the treacherous terrain of a cliff. Then you realise you are standing at the zenith. But this word has no positive connotation at all, not the way I have learnt it. It just means you are going to fall anytime. And once you do, you shatter.   So, what now? If you can't fight, and you can't raise the white flag, is there another alternative? Perhaps I am doing just that, just that I don't even know what I'm doing.     Why do I find myself struggling to live? And I am constantly looking for every possible source of strength that I desperately need for this struggle. I begin to wonder...

I think I'm back to having nightmares again.

Much as I have watched Jurassic Park countless times, the movie never fails to freak me out. What's more I watched it in the theatres today? I recall the first time I watched it with my family when I was about 4, my brother had a red plastic bag with him so that he could cover his face at the scary parts. It was truly nostalgic. Kudos to Steven Spielberg!   It was nice to watch it with the Ohana girls because I think they appreciated the movie as much as I did and it is hard to find people who enjoy a movie together.   I shopped today! Like a tai-tai. What good life.   It's raining now. I have missed the rain so much.

The contrast in temperatures is immediately felt the moment I alighted the bus at some petrol station in Malaysia. Then I knew I was nearing the real world already. This was my second time to Genting with Ohana, even though not full strength this time. I have enjoyed the trip nonetheless. I like it that this trip was slightly different from my other experiences in Genting. No more theme park finally. What I remember are singing karaoke, bowling, Chin Swee temple and its beautiful sceneries and food, KFC, the Friendship Bridge and our stupid acts, taking our own sweet time and the deluxe hotel room at Awana, the nonsensical Man of Steel, endless snacks, shopping, cup noodles. How sad. My short getaway has ended. I'm glad, though, that once again I have created more beautiful memories to be kept in one corner of my mind.   I think I will decently look for a job soon, before I ponder too much about my future such that I unconsciously switch myself to the immobility mode.

你相不相信，就算不能夠完全明白一首歌的涵義，還是能夠在歌曲裏聼出一則故事？ 也許是因爲，我們都喜歡將自己的故事放到歌曲裏頭。 然後為之感慨，為之難過。 I am hopelessly hooked to this song.

    改变是永恒不变的。 所以相隔四年半, 还能和同样的好朋友故地重游是件难得且愉快的事。 不知道下次再来, 身边的伴是否仍然不变。 

I have to say, I felt Man of Steel was rubbish. Camera works, acting, plot. All were not as fantastic as I had expected for a Superman movie. And definitely too violent to not be rated as an NC16, at least. Thank goodness the lead actor has the looks and build to compensate for everything else. Yanli, you might like to catch it ;) Still, every superhero film has a nice quote worth pondering upon. "Try to take a leap of faith first, leave the trusting part for later." And there, I'm sitting on this comfy couch in Awana Hotel. The past two days have been wonderful, with the great weather and great company. Time to return to Earth, again. Zzzzzzz.

I scrutinized. I think he can sing after all. Somehow I'm back to listening to his Cantonese sad songs. Oh well.

If you ask me what I usually do during the holidays, I think I will tell you I meet people. I thought through this question on my way back from the primary school gathering just now and realised that I often spend ninety percent of my holidays meeting people. Maybe I always meet the same group of people, but I guess it goes to show I'm comfortable with these people and they make me happy. Today's gathering was awesome. Primary school gatherings are always full of laughter. Apart from Wei Xin whom I always see, Joey, Michelle and Ser Hui are the same old them. On our way home, Ser Hui said, "I don't always like SMS you people, but everytime we meet, we can still talk about everything under the sun. I guess there's something that holds us together and it's been there since a long time back." I couldn't agree more. It's hard to articulate but certainly, it's there. And I'm glad!   Finally, work has ended. I can't wait for my salary, even t...

The magnet, a caricature of a bride and groom, fell to the ground and broke into two. If it symbolises marriage, then what does its breakage imply? She wonders. And she does too, about why people go gaga over wedding shoots prior to their weddings. For memory sake? Really? Or to flaunt? She's just wondering. I'm so beat. Over the past few days, some friends visited. Not a big deal but definitely took some time and money to travel so far. Much appreciated :)

That moment she lay on a bed of roses. Pretty warm and fuzzy. Then again, what lies beneath were the thorns. Insecurities spread like virus. Maybe she was still yearning over rainy days. And the drenched kid with a white umbrella and who had raindrops on his palm. She's been loving rainy days ever since. Drizzles or deluges. Fragments or not, it's hard to draw the line. After all, those of the past often overlap with those of the present. Nothing was or is ever complete. Speaking of which, it drizzled this morning. And I walked in the rain. Now I feel sick.

Sometimes I think I have lost the words to say. I used to think my vocabulary was limited. Now I discover my vocabulary bank is completely empty. Maybe I'm sick of the repetitions, maybe I can feel that my friends are sick of my repeated recounts. And so, I have learnt to keep quiet. What's new? If anything, I can't feel more upset to come home seeing the gate locked. And no matter how loudly Harry barked, no one came. I struggled with the lock, and entered the house to be confronted with a second obstacle. My locked room. I didn't even attempt to knock. I was too tired to speak. I always thought the worst feeling is that of being misunderstood. Now I think I have a new perspective. It could be that of being abandoned.

我以为疲惫和忙碌会让人忘却迷惘。 殊不知前者让后者更加突出。 我好久没那么强忍眼泪了。 这个时候, 就真的很想吃麦当劳的20-piece nuggets。

I am not very satisfied with my results this sem but I should say, too, that I'm not like very upset. After all, the release of results this morning has officially marked an end to my four years of university studies. No doubt, the sense of loss that's never left surges again. I think I am glad that I'm actually working at the book fair because somehow I'm too occupied to think about my results. What I have obtained is hardly far from expectations so I have no reason to feel much about it. The last sem, I recall, wasn't as happy and memorable as my year 2. Yet I have managed to pull through with the help of my friends especially Kwee How Yanli and Wang Lin. Thanks! :) And I really want to thank linli laoshi for generously giving me an undeserved A. Bye bye, NUS.

Epic was truly epic. I really like the plot and the thrilling adventures. The ending was pretty cool too. Thank goodness I didn't listen to yx and went ahead with the movie anyway :p Colin Farrell's voice is really manly and nice. Love it! It was a tiring day especially after two ccontinous tuition sessions and that I only slept 5hours the night before. Am actually looking forward to work because it's the best time to lose weight and to have a slightly more constructive life! :) $$$$$$$$

Somehow, I cannot get rid of that image of AhWU in my head. He was that close to me and he shook my hand! I must be going nuts. Can't believe I completed my life in two years, or less.

有时候，我不知道怎样才可以做个快乐的人。

I went for the interview. The one looking for PA turned out to be.... I think I have never been closer to AhWU. He shook my hand, looked into my eyes, very sincerely said "Hello". I was too stunned at that point of time. I didn't really know how to react but I think I was considerably composed. It was really AhWU. His eyes really can speak, as said by director of 881 Royston Tan. That image kept appearing in my head, and I want to keep it so dearly! I guess it was never a mistake to sign up for the job even though I had thought it was going to be someone else. Thank you the big boss up there, YOU ARE SO NICE TO ME! I screwed the interview. BUT I DON'T CARE! I STEPPED INTO HIS HOUSE! I think my fangirling journey is probably going to end here. I think I can die without regrets now.