past.

There are people who, unlike parcels, hide secrets, cover themselves with layers until they present themselves to the right ones who can unwrap them and see inside. Sometimes you have to give yourself to somebody in order to see who you are. Sometimes you have to unravel things to get to the core. It's another normal lunch with the Ohanies, but yet another breaking piece of news. Don't know to say if this is exciting or shocking. Well, in any case, it is still good news so I guess that's still worth celebrating. What if you were born for a reason? My Sister's Keeper was not a bad catch, though I have to say the book is really so much better. 我觉得最重要的莫过于自己对自己的了解。 Hi Monday, I hate it and hate the fact that I'm meeting you tomorrow, again.

"One of the advantages of going out alone is that you do not have to accomodate others. You do not have to smile, you do not have to make small talk, you do not have to spare a thought for others. And that was what I experienced when I went to the movies myself, went to the night market myself, went to the pub to listen to the live band myself, went to eat chicken rice balls myself. All the time for yourself. All focus on yourself. Finding yourself. Almost an indulgence. It was a good feeling. Did it once. Did it again. Will continue to do so from time to time. Why? Because sometimes you are so tired of smiling and trying to be nice to others when others do not try to smile or be nice to you. Not a saint but you know you have tried to be good to others but others do not seem to try to be good to you; in fact, they begin to think you are a pushover. When every good seems to be forgotten and each bad remembered. When a sheet of white paper with a black dot is noticed only for its bl...

Can't believe I finished the book in 2 days. It's so sweet I feel like melting. Reading is such a joy man. Not READINGS though. 也许是我想太多...

I really think this space of mine has become almost an indispensable part of my life that I feel damn weird and out of place if I don't pen my thoughts down here. All the thoughts will just flood my brain and take up so much brain storage space. I really like the void deck near my house (nearer to Coconut's). Super peaceful and nice place to be at when you feel like having quiet time on your own. No doubt a great hangout too when you feel like talking to people whom you have lost touch with in quite some time. I really think Mrs. Tan is not a bad principal. Perhaps she's just a workaholic by nature and tends to give her staff tons of work to do. She didn't really drive those nice teachers away but maybe those teachers just couldn't accept her system. It isn't anyone's fault, right? From the way she communicates with us, I can tell she's still a passionate teacher. We just started off with too much judgement, I guess. Mr. Chiang felt touched by my words. ...

"we see scars everywhere. on me, and on you. but we often forget to see deeper and wonder why we have that scars, wad was the reason for the scars on both of us?"

亲爱的帼涟： 我知道你有做不完的事，你很累。你甚至想要放弃，而放弃的不只是你在做的事，更想放弃自己的生命。但你一定要咬紧牙根坚持下去。放弃不见得就是一种解脱。就算全世界都把你放弃，你也要相信自己能够战胜任何困难。我知道你累得很想哭，但却从来没滴过一滴眼泪。别人不理解你，没有关系。重要的事你了解你自己。我知道你有时候很想引起你关心的人的注意，因为你希望他们也关心你。但这个世界不会因你而停止，每个人都要各忙各的，你必须靠自己坚强起来。当你胡思乱想时，就去关心那些需要被关心的人。也许这样，你会忘记自己是不开心的。 也许你根本就不需要把一切看得那么重要。你看，你最近都是一个人，不是过得好好的？路是人走出来的。你自己的路，自己选。不开心是你自己，开心也是你自己。 擦了眼泪，重新再来。怕什么？ 加油，你可以的。真的可以。 镜子里的人。

Things often happen when they don't matter anymore, at least for me. I bumped into her today, like after so damn long, when I HAD always wanted to. Well yes, it really didn't matter anymore. CNM lesson made me think through the past quite a lot. I guess it has always been a compter-mediated communication. It was never that virtual, never that real. I had been living in a world I chose to live in, naively believing that everything is so perfect when apparently it is not. Okay, I'm out of it and I am glad, I see things clearer now. I hope. Everything seems so much like a tide. Work keeps coming and never-ending. I always get hit by another wave before I can gasp for air. But just thinking of Saturday makes me smile. What the fruits did really gave me strength. So strong that I think I strongly believe I can survive. It's just another ordeal, right? Believe in yourself. You can do it.

I read kxn's post and I was like.. Okay, I think I'm feeling the opposite. Really, I'm losing faith. Every bit of it. I try my hardest not to compare but it is almost impossible, with the things happening around me. I pondered over what coconut said on her post, "true test of friendship". It set me thinking the things I have done and those you all did. Recently I feel nothing but hurt. Why is it that we have so many conflicting interests? So much so that I feel that I should just stay away, live in my own world. I thought I could live a better life like that. Am I supposed to lower my expectations or what? It is already my lowest, if I go any lower then I might as well just go to someone else. All I wanted was presence. We don't even need words, but I just want to feel the presence. I'm always the one who complicates matters. Is that really the case? Then why can't you give me what I ask for, something so simple, your presence? I may be someone who fe...

Because optimism is what you need at the start of the day. First things first, insufficient goalposts at the start of the day. Darren came late and I was more lost. Balls that had no air. What do you think the tournament would turn out to be like? Joel came. "Okay, let's have only one game at a time. Big goalposts." Mr Chng added. "I will go and pump the balls now." Darren texted. "Sorry, overslept. I cab down now." Wonderful. All fine. Thanks Badd Salih Joel Darren Yelay Esther Kiat Chong Xiu Ying and most of all, Daniel. Seriously, I still couldn't believe it. The two super duper familiar figures that I saw along the corridor and I actually turned away, thinking that what I saw couldn't be true. THANK YOU STARFRUIT AND COCONUT , really. I really appreciate it so, so much. It's ok you girls didn't help (in fact you all did). Just by being there, you were the best moral support I had. That was all I really needed. Just be there for a fr...

Because someone will come and save you eventually. KFC. Fairprice. Playground. Table tennis. I just love being with the fruits. It is always so comfortable to be with them, so easy to laugh genuinely, talk about kids, share happening incidents, impromptu activities :) Miss working in school with these girls. Looking forward to next Friday :) I don't want to lose faith, but it always happens. Anyway.. Today is Learn-To-Be-Truthful Day. I was damn honest with SAM :D Yay, nothing else to hide. Something heavy off my chest :)

I always tell myself no matter how hurtful, how painful, I will swallow it down. Because you all are the people I love so much and I'm not surprised that only you all can hurt me this much. If I can't compare, alright then I shan't.

I'm amazed how some people can smile through the heaps of problems that keep piling up. Have I been in my comfort zone for too long? Do I always whine for help because I know that there are people who care? A child probably will not cry when he falls if no one is around him. He cries only because there are people around him to give him the attention he wants. It's time I learn. 我不是温室里的小花。我要做一颗经得起风吹雨打的大树。 Don't slack because you think you are already halfway through. You've barely started. You become stronger by training, not by saying that you will. 是时候改变习惯了。新的生活方式等着迎接你。 HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEI TING :)

That's why I've been setting expectations lower.. and lower. I still get disappointments but I tell myself, all these are only a norm. Nothing seems to fit in nicely of late. Everything just seems out of place. Not just me, but also for people around me. Many a times I give up saying "I give up" because I never do and I never want to. And then that's when all the problems come popping up in my face and as if intimidating me to raise the white flag. I always thought indulging myself in more work will make me feel numb to the people or things that disappoint me but apparently, getting myself involved in more tasks only means that I see more things. 我一只告诉我自己，不要怀疑，不要像太多。但一个人的个性很难一夜间改变。我就是这样，我不能改。 我不想让自己觉得，相信你们是一个错误的选择。 以为工作可以麻木自己，但我却从中看到了更多事。 我的心很痛。我真的觉得自己很努力地为我关心的人着想，可是谁在替我想？ 我知道对一个人好应该是出于真诚，不应要求回报。但我不能否认，得不到一点认可，我真的很痛心。 Sometimes people take advantage of your trusting heart. This is a practical society, accept it. I'm going to give myself another chance. Nobody ...

I can only cry in the showers.

回家的路上，脚步特别轻松，仿佛整个人轻了许多。走着走着，没想到这么快就走到了尽头。 完了，终于走完了。总算可以松口气。 我还是很喜欢你的笑容。 我还是很喜欢你的背影。 我还是很喜欢你的声音。 但我已经放下了。 我一直以为自己会舍不得放手。但其实感觉淡化了，你不得不承认。 也许我一直都把你当成是一种习惯。所以当我认认真真地去面对时，才发现习惯不一定是必然的。 我终于可以大声地说：“故事结束了。”这一次是真的。但没人相信也没关系，因为最重要是我自己最清楚。时间也会为我证明。 这种感觉真的很舒服。是第一次的感受。我想，勇气根本就不是问题，是有没有必要。 As I listened to all the emo tracks in my mp3 on my way home, I just could not feel 'emo'. I guess this feeling that I'm feeling right now really surpasses every other kind of emotion. Now I can even listen to 'Over You' repeatedly without having to indulge in my emo state. Yes, it's a closure. This time I can really feel myself stepping out of this chapter and moving on . Thanks. Thank you to all the people who were feeling so excited for me about the lunch. (Seriously I wonder why everyone is more excited than me!!) It was really amusing how the messages kept coming while I ate my lunch and watched my movie and on my way home in the bus. I never really regretted making a confession. Mora...

But we don't even seem enthusiastic or eager about it. 是不是不吭声是最舒服的感觉？

我想一定会有点不舍得吧。但真实的感觉不能不面对。逃避就好比欺骗。 当你很不想做一件事，硬着头皮去做也许也没意思。 I think there's no point in changing the story ending. I don't have the ability to do so in the first place anyway. I have to admit that everything is going to stay the same. 谢谢. Thank you for the times you unconsciously made my day. Thank you for telling me so many things. Thank you for allowing us to be friends till today. I'll thank you if you don't sway me again in another 2 days' time. Got a million reasons to run and hide I don't blame you for being scared, for being scared, no Bout a novel long, all the pain that he's caused you I'm fully aware, I'm fully aware If I could change the stories ending to me and you Don't know the meaning of pretending what to do I could be the one Give you all my love Forget what he has done to you I'm here now Open up to me Love will set you free If ever you believe it Please believe in me This is us This is us This is us This is us This is love Thi...

我一直跌，一直爬起来，再跌，再爬。我告诉自己从哪里跌倒，就从哪里爬起来。但我怕了，累了，痛了。 English below average in cohort. NM MTT below average in cohort NM project lowest in cohort. Really, nothing can get more demoralising than this. I know the problem lies with myself. It's been two months in uni and I'm still wasting my life away. I haven't got into the mugging mood and seemingly I don't have the intention to. I would love to say this is not me. Where is the ambitious me? The one who wants to top in everything? The worst of all is that I have to keep telling people (who tell me they are stressed up) to relax and take things easy when they are doing so much more better than me. I feel so screwed in front of these people. Like what? "Why are you telling us to chill and relax when you youself are scoring such marks?" I feel like a clown. Once again, I got to tell myself... Pick yourself up woman. You have a couple of years to go. Fall? Stand again. If I could show you there's no risk of being le...

前面的路只有一条。你可以选择走，也可以逃避或回头。但后者也是一种选择，而这个选择只会让你有同样的经历。 Finally met up with Wan Ting after 6 months (as of 18 April). Pepper lunch is good. Meeting up is good. Having a day off in spite of my mid term exam tomorrow is awesome :) Take care girl, jiayou! Today I had the most understandable English lecture please. Everything falls nicely into place and it's manageable for my brain. Great. Now I just feel like taking a nap...

大概没有人喜欢输的感觉吧。但我的好胜心更加强烈。要赢，就要做最好的。就算输，也不能是最差的。我想这样的处事态度固然是好的，让我不断求上进，但有时候却因为这样的态度让我感到紧绷。 但不管怎样，我告诉自己还是有希望的。或许是真的，或许是自欺欺人，但希望终究是我向前迈进的目标吧。希望让我希望自己变得更有斗志，更有恒心。 我能够做到的，对吗？我会坚持到最后一秒的，对吧？ 失败的话，我会再试。 成功，那也不是你的功劳。你不要假惺惺了。在别人面前你就这么会演戏，有时我真觉得丢脸，甚至想吐。你永远就只会说，不会做。你根本就不值得我尊敬，甚至不配我称呼你一声。你让我很恨自己生活在这样一个环境里。我讨厌我的命，因为我永远跟你都摆脱不了关系，因为你让我的生命永远缺少一个部分，永远不完整。 我今后的成就将会是我自己的努力，与你无关。 就算落魄潦倒，也是我自己，我不会怨你，因为那样只会让我更痛恨我的命运。 我希望拥有自己的空间，希望找到快乐，希望忘记悲伤。 希望“希望”能够鼓舞我度过难熬的每一关…

卖花的总是说玫瑰代表爱情。那它为什么这么容易枯萎？ 更频密的沟通让我感觉到更遥远的距离。仿佛已经渐渐得到启示，明白这一切并没有想象中的完美，或者是伤痛。也许一开始，多一些交流并不代表多一些了解。相反的，这甚至意味着疏远和领悟。 我是不是已经麻木了？还是从头到尾我根本就不清楚自己想要的到底是什么？我真的不晓得。 尽管我每天都想，每分每秒都在不停地想，但那感觉好像已经慢慢淡化，淡得很不是滋味。这应该没有谁对谁错，而是时间的力量都被我们低估了。“时间能冲淡一切。”原来是真的。坚持、容忍、等待，我都做了。甚至之前总挂在嘴边的“放弃”也试了好几遍，但最终还是告诉自己要撑过去。谁知撑着撑着，撑到麻了、累了。 就因为大家都对我那么有信心，有期望，我更没有勇气辜负身边的人。失败的痛苦我能够淡忘，但令人失望的痛苦是我承受不了的。 两个星期的期盼一天天地蜕变，从期待到紧张，到焦急，不自在、害怕、失落。这会不会从来不是件好事？其中一人的缺席会不会让这个没有完结篇的故事显得更难忘、更美丽？如果两人的存在代表着为故事画上句号，那我宁愿就此说再见，说不定这悬念还能让我留下想象的空间。至少想象是无止境的，可以把不快乐的可能性都丢在一旁。 我知道我的顾虑很多。但我很难控制自己不去想。叫我不去想，好像是在叫我不去面对自己的感觉。我办不到。我逃避了这么久，已经走投无路了。我想要面对、休息，喘口气。再跑的话，我就真的会迷失方向，不知道前面的路还应该怎么走。 I guess no one will really comprehend this post. It's okay. Just very sudden and genuine thoughts which I believe have disturbed me for some time and I never had the courage to face them. Although we have no shared memories...

No matter how busy you are, you should always have your fair share of fun :) 1. Spent the day out with YC at Queensway and JP. KFC for lunch! Ohmytian calories...... 前功尽弃 :( 2. Dinner with Ohana and night swim but was damn slack. I somehow knew with Zi Rui and Max co-existing we'd have troubles doing serious work. I only swam 6 laps :(((( 3. "Coming Soon" was .... I have no idea how to describe. I admire the director's guts and creativity. 4. Girls' talk till 4a.m. We were so high for who-knows-why. * Seeing Angie so happy really makes me happy too. I can really feel her happiness and hopes for this relationship. 5. Woke up at 6a.m. then 8a.m. I think that explains my bad throat now :/ Nelson: A healthy gl is as important as a happy gl. Thank you good friend, for always being so understanding :) I think I'm less and less eager for next Saturday. I shouldn't anticipate too much. I don't want to end up in greater disappointment :) I'm thankful so man...

GL: lx, I will survive right? LX: Yes, you cannot die. We are counting on you, including me. GL: Huh? Count on me for? LX: Chinese. I was rather amused. Sometimes you think you're alone. Even the SMSes you sent out are not replied. You scroll down your contact list and don't know who you can talk to. Sometimes you think you're so loved. Everyone cares for you. You're pampered by every little action of others. What are you feeling right now? HAPPY BIRTHDAY BADD :)

1. Lunch with Badd and Ariff. The last time we had lunch was somewhere in Feb!?!? 2. Meeting with 洪老师 and Mrs Wong. I got my Guides cookies from kytx :) Spent some time with the girls in alumni room. Miss my kids! 3. Dinner with Christopher. Haven't seen this fellow for a good long time. 4. Chinese Thesis. 5. Socio mid term exam. 6. Socio tutorial. 7. Chinese tutorial. 8. English affinity group project. 9. CNM readings. 10. Malay role play. 11. CTSS alumni soccer tournament. 12. Aspire camp 2010. 13. Kill me.

Night swim with Max again! Managed to complete 20 laps today :) Will try harder the next time! One hour of jacuzzi and shared quite a lot of things about family :) Watched 溏心风暴 2 at Max's and felt very 沉重 after today's episode. Oh well. I know I've been very extreme these days. I am trying very hard to be natural, to be myself! Somehow I just get too carried away... Been waking up and going to bed with headaches.. I need a power nap man. And let's hope tomorrow will be a good catching up with people I haven't seen for ages. Are you hungry? Go eat. Are you tired? Go sleep. Are you stressed? Relax. Are you in love with someone? Tell him. What are you waiting for? Doing all these won't kill. I wish one day you would enter my life and realise how much I like you. I know it won't happen.

I'm really touched how much faith these people place in me. I feel that even if I don't succeed, I will feel upset not because of my failure, but because I have disappointed these people who believe so much in me. Makes me want to cry.

Saya gembira hari ini :) Because it's been a productive day. Managed to finish discussing English tutorial within half an hour and had quite a lot of evaluation for affinity project. On top of all, grade for soci assignment made my day :))) Finally something encouraging! Yesterday I told Zi Rui a lie :/ But he was very, very happy. And I was just as happy that he was so happy for me! Could totally imagine and comprehend Angie's joy when she knew we were all happy for her. 一个人的快乐变成两个人的幸福. I guess that's what Max means by a shared happiness is doubled. Sometimes in comparison, Ohana really makes the best companion.

I admit I have been dying for this chance. However, when you brought it up, I realised I was not that eager after all. Maybe time has washed away all anticipation, eagerness, even hope. Or maybe things will change when I see you, like what my sister said. Okay we shall see.

-Yan Yan -Strawberry Bahlsen -Jolly Shandy -Cadbury Black Forest -Kit Kat -Vitasoy -Barbecue flavoured chips I love going to Fairprice, especially with Mother :D I know I got to get back on the tracks. I am. On my way.

为什么我总是会说人，不会说自己？ 我想今天，是我第一次不想念... 这也许不是件坏事。 可能一切的一切将在今夜改变。可能我会回到过去。可能我会忘记这种感觉。 但这些也都不重要了. I always tell people what to do, yet I do not practise what I preach. Tonight seems to be the first time I don't miss seeing what I see every Friday night. Well but this might not be a bad thing after all. Perhaps all these will change tonight. Perhaps I will return to the past. Perhaps I will forget this feeling. But it's okay, I guess they don't matter that much anymore. Think I got to learn from Wan Ting -- hibernate. I feel like I'm gasping for air already. But I can do it, right? Jiayou GuoLian. 喜欢你让我觉得好累。

You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly. Things have gone back to how they were in the past. Once again, I doubt. I doubt my ability to pull through, to exercise self-discipline, to manage my time properly, to place priorities right. Having survived one phase doesn't mean I'll survive another. Sometimes I feel that this world is not mine to live in. Maybe there'll be a twist in the story tonight..

I miss comments. Good friend Nelson I miss you.....r comments!! Night swim with Max and Zhi! Cool thing to do and it was good exercise! Feel so screwed. There are simply too many things to do. Suddenly I feel that I don't want to major in Chinese anymore. Coconut said..... "You don't take Chinese is like me taking Chinese." I asked my mum.... "Mother, 如果我不读华文，你会不会觉得很奇怪？” “Huh! 当然会啦！不要啦...读啦..." 天啊...What I want always seems so far away, or at least, always drifts away from me....