past.

梦里的我不停地逃跑。后面的人，认识的不认识的，也不停追逐。个个只想从我身上得到他们要的，没有人问过我的感受。 梦里的我突然多了很多勇气。逃避的勇气。我居然越过我最害怕的繁忙马路。为的只是逃离大家。 梦里的我好累好累。好想转身告诉大家，不要再逼我了，我只想停下来休息一下。 梦里的我尝试停下脚步。但后面的人立即上前伤害我。 于是我，又继续拼了命地跑。

"T he only thing I will derive from this pain is how bad pain can be." In the dream, I was chased by a weird figure on fours. Initially, I let it come near me. I did not run. But later it kept coming and I started running. There was this passerby who hollered at me. She judged me, without giving me a chance to explain myself. But while I didn't attempt to, I figured there wasn't a need to. In any case, it was still hurtful. To be judged that way. Sadly, an explanation probably wouldn't help. I think this dream, that made me wake up in cold sweat at 5 a.m. and unable to get to sleep anymore, tells a lot about my waking life.  Awoke or asleep, it is a nightmare anyway. Does pain get any less painful? If every transformation into something better means having to go through a process that is this painful, can I opt to be the way I am?

Somehow, I just never felt this tired in my entire quarter-life. It is like, so unprecedented. The past one week was nothing but mad rush everyday. Every day. Catching forty winks becomes too much a luxury and I definitely can no longer afford it. Don't be surprised if you find that I have now a flair for sleeping while standing. I really believe I am getting it. Life has pretty much become a routine. In the day I have my soyamilk for breakfast all alone in that office where they are always more hostile than friendly colleagues. And then after six hours of lessons will be another two to three hours of lessons at a different setting. Now that explains the flu, the throat swells, the nosebleeding, the gastric, the cramps. The exhaustion, especially. To rub salt into the wound, there is torment for the mind. I can't remember the last time I had lost something so precious. Perhaps I am only in the midst now, but really, it doesn't make too much a difference. If I have to reca...

For once, the fleeting evening rain did not give me some peace. Instead, it gave me some silence. Maybe it is me who refuses to ignore the line between the two. (As a matter of fact, there is a difference.) That silence was deafening. I think it spoke volumes of the void I am feeling, and of my transitory optimism that always vanishes as quickly as it surges. I do not remember the last time I have felt this void particularly jarring, in my head or heart, I do not know. If anything, the past couple of days, even weeks, have very much been like a mirror, projecting the manner I had handled my feelings for sam some four five years ago. Skepticism. Like a relapse that never ceases along with time. So, I see myself on that stupid treadmill again. Except I see things more clearly this time, thus unable to feign ignorance the way I did. A constant reminder I have set for myself: Stay calm.  There is hardly any more space for angst, with a mind and body as exhausted as this.

好久没有尝到自由的滋味了。 这种自由，绝对是精神上的。也许毅力不够坚定的我，总是在得到一些精神寄托后才能真正的释放自己。否则，什么都可以说得天花乱坠，但实际上，心里却从来没有一刻安宁。 是不是我们总得先被约束，才会知道自由为何物？ 用约束来换取自由。多讽刺。 但如果是这样，那我情愿先被约束。 不经一番寒彻骨，怎得梅花扑鼻香？   今天的我还没痊愈。还是不停地咳嗽、打喷嚏。 一天下来上了七个半小时的课（还另外推掉三个小时的课），真的真的好累。 但今天的我不会同情这样的我。 因为再累，今天还是感到很充实，很满足。尤其在看到两个同学经我一番解释后对所学的内容更了解，那种眼前一亮的表情让人看了充满自信和自豪感。 我想不管是什么年龄，一个老师在学生眼中看到 “ 领悟 ” 就是最大的满足感。 作为一个老师，我会希望把学生教得好。作为一个朋友，我不过希望能够给身边的朋友带来欢笑。那是听似最简单，却是做起来最具挑战的一件事。 沉沦的时候，总是忘了身边还有曾经共患难的朋友。希望今天开始我会更把这些人牢牢挂在心上。 今天周围朋友的欢笑声，那些我见到的和没见到却感觉得到也听得到的，都是我坚持的推动力。 这些对我而言都是一种精神上的自由。 寻寻觅觅，原来不过就是需要片刻的宁静，让思绪休战，让自己冷静。 今天的我，别无他求。 我还是这么相信着，自由的味道竟是如此扑鼻。  

"We overestimate what we can do in a day but underestimate what we can do in our whole lives." I'm so that kind of person please. What a day to start the week. A hectic one to make things worse. The nose is like a running tap. The cramps are acting up so badly I have problems getting out of bed. The throat is going sore and I have lessons from 8.30 a.m. to 9 p.m. tomorrow. This can be pretty demoralising, no?

Hypochondriac should be my middle name for the week. All the cramps and aches and nosebleeding are back to kill. I feel like a badly ill person ever deprived of sleep even though I slept quite a lot over the weekend. The cramps were so terrible today I couldn't stand up so I lay in bed all day long. There, one whole Sunday gone without anything done. Unless watching dramas counts. 很讨厌这么不振作的自己。明天开始将会是非常忙碌的人生, 尽管也许只会持续一两个月。不知道能不能熬过, 只知道不能允许自己倒下。所以一定要咬紧牙关撑下去。 然后, 去看看医生。 还没开始打仗的我, 已经觉得好累好累了。。。

心若不动, 风又奈何。你若不伤, 岁月无恙。

Today the sweetest thing is that YY dropped a reminder in caps for me to eat no matter how busy I am. For that moment I felt really loved. And am really thankful for a timely warm concern. Thank you. I think I really have to be a pluviophile. It's been pouring but I still find it not enough. I really need a deluge to give me some peace.

一切的一切仿佛又接踵而至。 也许，是时候看个医生了。

Sometimes I really think 姚若龙 and 邬裕康 are my friends.

谢谢你，Mic :) 今天又是很random的一天。在Utown 食堂混了一个小时，又到Starbucks混了两三个小时。没有建设性的我，没做什么，只是偶尔发发呆，偶尔跟Mic聊聊一些八卦。因为事先不是约好聚在一块的，所以感觉特别写意。但也正是这种“乘兴而来，尽兴而返”的心态，让我体会更多。那么临时的相聚，也不忘问候我。让我发现真心的朋友对我的关心从来都是不变的，总不会因为距离还是不见面而减退。而且谈话中我又领悟了新的道理。“这么执着做什么？” 言之有理。今天要比昨天看得更开了。 要回家的时候，在Honors Room外面看到贴在布告栏上的《简讯》。有一版是致姚老师的。添豪写的。而最后一段的内容也正是我对老师印象最深刻的。 不知道为什么，每每提起他，好像不能不感到至少那么一丝的悲痛。希望他在另一个世界，仍然热衷于他最爱的翻译，而他的笑话，也继续给他身边的天使带来欢笑。 好久没有走路回家了。差点忘了傍晚的天空有多蓝，空气有多清新。也许一直被污浊空气弄得很窒息的我一直没能把自己救出来。不过还好。昨天看到一点曙光，今天看到更多。虽然不知道前面那道光是不是一辆即将驶过来的火车，但人生中有点光芒还是不错的。人嘛，总是需要点 指路明灯 。

很无缘无故地跑去找在房里窝着的迎曦。本来只打算坐一下就走，结果聊着聊着就坐了两个小时。感恩。只因为她的一句话，“是因为你在乎。” 豁然开朗。在不在乎是其次。地球终究不会为谁停止转动。我想这是我近来最应该去相信的一个道理。我何必这么介怀呢？我的人生也不会就此终结，还是得向前走的，干嘛要介怀一些芝麻绿豆的事？突然想起张子睿这个朋友。这些年来，他是这个世上最理解我的人。远远超过我娘，我妹。我是应该知足的。因为反正这个世上至少有一个人懂你就够了。 每次这种时候就会想起《真实》这首歌，然后总会有新的体会。 “心痛比快乐更真实……”

It's been a chore yet again to drag oneself out of bed early in the morning for class. The most annoying is not getting out of bed, but going to school on a really packed bus with angsty passengers. I really hate the mad morning rush.   While I am (supposed to be) occupied with teaching, marking and preparing materials, all with regard to the bridging course for the PRC students in the school, I subconsciously still worry about myself bumming around, not permanently belonging to anywhere. Yes, directions are clear, but there are still times I find myself swaying or demoralised whenever I face strong oppositions. Then again, why should I care about these people? Yes I know. Truth is, it is always easier said than done. And so, I was having this really random conversation with Mdm Katherine today, one that I struck up while waiting for her to be done with the photocopier. I swear I hardly do that but she is a friendly lady so it was easy. I was pretty thankful I did that. W...

It's been almost a year. Maybe I should force myself to put my foot down this time. Sorry.

我想每个人的一生中，大概会有意识无意识地在心中给谁系上一个“特别”的标签吧？ 亲人也好，朋友也好，爱人也行。 反正系上了这个标签，就会对这个人或这些人呵护入微，关怀备至。 然后发现，不管再怎么用尽真心，有些人终究不会领情。 当然，真心的付出不该总奢望回报。 但，人非草木？ 对于不领情的人，有的我们会继续为之付出。也许是害怕这些人离开自己的生活圈子。这不是笨，是一种坚持。 有的呢，我们则会慢慢在无形中将标签去掉。大概因为这个人可有可无吧。听起来很残忍，但我想这是现实。 有点讽刺的是，去除标签的时候，痛的不见得是对方，而是自己。 日后这个标签也许会给其他人系上，又或者会因为草木皆兵的心理作祟，所以从此再也不为任何人系上。 我想我应该庆幸的是这个世上还有一些让我为之付出的人。 人自然是为自己而活，所以为自己奋斗。 但如果自己站在世界的中心，周围却没有一个可以谈笑风生或正言直谏的人，那样的人生似乎太乏味单调了。

一个人再乐观，对人生再老练，再怎么可以预测人生中的起伏，面临阻力的时候还是会有些泄气的吧？ 更何况我不是那样的人。 总是会在不太专心的时候，因为旁人的怂恿而偏离跑道。 有时真的很鄙视这样的自己。这么经不起别人的唆使，或者因为被泼冷水而想要换个跑道。 所以近来一直不断地提醒自己，千万不要忘记自己最初的决定。 这条路不太平坦。 但还没怎么开始，你怎么可以就这样放弃？！ 不管怎么样，继续朝着这个方向前进。 加油！！！

:(

If some people have less a gift for happiness than others, I am definitely that kind of person. That person who is easily made happy by the simplest things but whose mood quickly goes back to normal after a short while. It has been a read that does not have too much a climax but definitely one that makes me think. Happiness has always come across as something really unfamiliar. I could never really tell if I am happy or not, or whether I am slowly achieving it. All I know is that I have always been and still am working in that direction, and I believe that is exactly what every one else is doing?   The weekend hasn't been so good but here, Sunday is about to end and yet again, we are all going to embrace the start of another week. May we all continue to brace ourselves should there be ups and downs.

"But happiness is a different thing altogether. If you try to achieve it, you have every chance of failing. And besides, how would you ever know that you'd achieved it? Of course one can't blame people, especially unhappy people, for wanting to be happier and setting themselves goals in order to try to escape from their unhappiness." - Hector and the Search for Happiness

Thor is probably one of my least favourite Marvel characters because the fact that he is a demi-god doesn't make his powers and strength appear to be too outstanding as compared to a normal human like Tony Stark. Nevertheless, The Dark World is still another Marvel Studios production that has impressed me. I am especially amused by Chris Evans' cameo and Tom Hiddleston's very comedic role as Loki. Thor's yearning for his mortal love Jane seems too cliché to me but his camaraderie  with his friends, so heart-warming! One thing I never understand, don't people know Marvel Studios is known for their post-credit scenes? How come people are always in a hurry to leave the theatre when the movie ends? I really think it's great pity they have no idea what they are missing.   Next up: The Winter Soldier!

作詞：林夕 作曲：楊陽 我終於變得不多愁善感　 回憶還像心跳那麼難忘 擁抱的熱　還留在我們的身上 緣分卻不能反抗　愛人不變朋友實在太難 希望離別　能讓以後　 更快樂　更幸福　更美滿 那次大雨中下班　 你拿一把雨傘　來接我　 想起來　難免傷感 感謝你愛我一場　 難得敘舊笑談　依然溫暖 有浪漫　沒緣分　總不算遺憾 你說得對。我們不該活在過去，重要的是現在。 所以我也不會嚮往過去的時光，或者沒有結果的現在。 但我不會忘記那個讓我感動的時刻。 希望你更快樂、更幸福、更美滿。

I am a happy person today. Managed a few laps before the rain and a hearty lunch with YL :) It was awesome to bump into Mic LH and YR. Fate!!! :) A great tea with senior MX. She is always so nice :) I may have turned down a great opportunity but I would like to see it as the start of something prospective! :)

This is what I call a good drama serial!!! The first episode is enough to make people melt!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Finally something that I can look forward to!!!! I am honestly veryyyyy excited!!! :D

I actually woke up at 8.30 a.m. this morning to pack my room. It's been something I promised myself I would do since... September? And I can't believe it. I was only done at around 4 p.m.? Nevertheless, I do enjoy packing my room and clearing my stuff sometimes because every time I do, I am bound to chance upon something that makes me reminisce the good old days. I started with the uni stuff. Looking through my notes and readings, I realised how lazy a student I had been some time ago. Most of the readings were untouched, just how many trees had I killed?! And there were the CH3246 notes which I really treasured because most of them were prepared and compiled by members of our study group for that module. That really has to be the module that left me with the fondest memories :) And there was the 经史子集. OHMYGOODNESS. Even until today, I have no clue what I learnt from that module. I only remember rushing to the deck to have my l...

On days like yesterday, I am thankful for a friend like SYX. It may seem like the whole world has abandoned you or got tired of listening to you, but there is still one friend who will sit opposite you over lunch and listen to all your rants, even though he may not even understand what you are driving at.   Thanks friend!

It took me a while to digest the philosophy in the novel. And by the time I digested, it struck me. There was a strong surge. To cry, of course. It taught me that we should believe in memories. And keeping those who have left close to our hearts will make us realise they never left. I really hope this is going to be ingrained in me.