past.

I am becoming more skeptical than I ever could be, and much more than what I hoped I would never be. Maybe I trust too easily. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part that everyone cared and that everyone was genuinely concerned. And maybe I should go back into that shell of mine, again. I never should have come out in the first place. Let go, you will feel happier.

Stay strong, because your mum needs you, your dad needs you, your siblings need you. Stay strong, because there is so much you need to grapple with and face. Stay strong, because you need to pull through this and to do it, you have to be strong. Dear God, will you let a miracle happen please?

我要的就這麽多.

Thank you bf! Dear God, please bless him and his family.

I do not know what else to do or say. I have compromised in every way I can, done whatever I was told to do. I constantly remind myself to be magnanimous, to be understanding. And all I ask for is understanding in return. I recall someone telling me that when others do not understand, the only thing to do is to be the one understanding, as simple as that. But what if I myself cannot understand too? I am not sure if it is really that easy to stay calm and indifferent to pointing fingers, but I know I cannot achieve that. Not now. Clearly, I might very well go crazy at the rate I am going, until I find my solace.

“有些不愉快的事情，尽管你多么不愿意也会发生的。你要学习去接受，学习去适应。”

“把刺挑出来是会少了一块肉，还会留下疤痕，但起码后果不会太严重。”

虽然有时候真的气得要疯了，但是能够使身边的人笑，跟他们一起笑，我觉得，令人生气的一天还是可以快乐地结束。

Something worth remembering today: Lily gave me a very cosy (I don't know how else to describe) hug! Thank you! I feel loved! Call me greedy, I hope this feeling will never cease to exist.

过去总是历历在目，提醒我不可以重蹈覆辙。

有些事，你一辈子都不会明白。

  楚河汉界

http://youtu.be/TfYGvH9Br9g 除了想你 除了爱你 我什么什么都愿意 翻开日记 整理心情 我真的真的想放弃 你始终没有爱过 你在敷衍我 一次一次忽略我的感受 我真的感到力不从心 无力继续 这感情 不值得我犹豫 不值得我考虑 不值得我爱过你 这种回忆 不值得我提起 不值得想起 不值得哭泣 这段感情 早就应该放弃 早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹 这样的你 不值得我恨你 不值得我为你而坏了心情 我决定不为你而毁了心 放弃爱你

My dear dang dangs I'm sorry about having to place you all in the wardrobe. Our territory has been invaded and I have yet to find a new location to settle you all. It really hurts me to see you all on the floor whenever I return to my room and so I think it is wiser for you all to stay in the wardrobe first. Please put up with the darkness for the time being, I am sure we will see the light soon! Your helpless owner

I MET BLUE TODAY. I won't say it's the happiest day of my life because I think I have felt happier than this. So, I would say it's one of the happiest days of my life. I immediately felt this sense of emptiness when Blue came out. It was like I have looked forward to seeing them for so long that suddenly when this void was filled, what came next was plain emptiness. I was really hoping all my friends who once liked Blue the way I do would be there but sadly, no one. But it is okay! And it is okay that I didn't get the VIP passes to the Meet&Greet session because they were so near me during the performance and it was really enough. I am thankful that the Blue fans that I first met were so friendly and thus I managed to secure a position so close to the lads. I did not run after the boys like a hundred over fans did but the sight of it made me very happy because it meant that the boys still have a huge fan base! And I am happier because I have friends who are genuinel...

I have decided to move out of my room ASAP. 君子不夺人所好。 这是场无谓的斗争。

I do feel a little upset that I did not win the VIP passes to tomorrow's Meet and Greet session. I felt I have never been lucky because I never won anything of that sort. Nevertheless, now I think that luck is relative. Compared to those who have won the passes, I may not be that lucky. But compared to those who have always wanted to see Blue and have not got a chance, I ought to count my blessings. Simply because I am going to see them tomorrow. I cannot express the kind of excitement that is slowly surging inside me. I think any fangirl (like Mic and Yanli) is able to relate and thus I shall not elaborate. And so I decided I shall stop wallowing in self-pity because seeing them tomorrow really should suffice. All of this feels so surreal that I cannot believe it is only tomorrow that I am going to fulfil a wish I've wished for so long. Thank you Yanli for helping me with this! It means so much!

Today’s GEK topic is on cancer. It is very depressing a topic, especially when my mum came home late last night, telling me that her stepbrother had passed away yesterday afternoon. He was diagnosed with cancer a month ago and was told that he had about a year left. Who would have thought that he would leave so suddenly yesterday? Much as my mum came back seeming very normal last night, I knew she had cried very badly before she stepped into the house. And I tried to pretend that I did not know she had cried earlier, even though inside I felt like crying too. I know my mum hated my grandfather for abandoning her family for my step-uncle’s family. And she hated my grandfather because his second wife refused to include our names on the orbituary page in the papers when he died. Yesterday, my step-aunt said that she would include our names in the papers because my step-uncle said so. I think my mum somehow had something rid off her chest. I was never close to this uncle. Still, this piece...

I am learning to turn a blind eye to issues that make me nothing but unhappy. Blue has arrived in Singapore a few hours ago. My friends made me a happy person today. Maybe that is all. I should learn to be contented. For when you expect too much, you will be disappointed.

http://youtu.be/8Jo7jG--IwU Cruel to the eye I see the way he makes you smile Cruel to the eye Watching him hold what used to be mine Why did I lie? What did I walk away to find I can't breathe easy Can't sleep at night Till you're by my side No I can't breathe easy I can't dream yet another dream Without you lying next to me There's no air Curse me inside For every word that caused you to cry Curse me inside I won't forget, no i won't baby, I don't know why I left the one i was looking to find Out of my mind Nothing makes sense anymore I want you back in my life That's all I'm breathing for There's no air.

Some things, they really haunt you for a lifetime. Running away isn't the way out but sometimes you can't help but run away because it just makes you feel better. At least it is a lot better than facing the problem without a solution in mind. Things get so tough that I feel extremely incompetent. But this week is really special. Thinking about this coming Saturday gives me strength. A lot of it.

http://youtu.be/GjFO5zw7hq4 For all this time I've been lovin' you girl Oh yes I have And ever since the day You left me here alone I've been trying to find Oh, the reason why So if I did Something wrong Please tell me I wanna understand 'Cause I don't want This love to ever end And I swear If you come back Here's my life Baby, till the end of time (Come back to me Come back to me Here's my life) And I swear I'll keep you right By my side 'Cause baby You're the one I want (Come back to me Come back to me Here's my life) Oh yes you are I watched you go You've taken My heart with you Oh yes you did Every time I tried to reach you On the phone Baby you're never there Girl you're never home So if I did something wrong Please tell me I wanna understand 'Cause I don't want This love to ever end No, no, no, no I swear If you come back Here's my life Baby, till the end of time (Come back to me Come back to me Her...

Recently, I realised how complex human relations can be. Some people, you really want to be their close friend but you cannot no matter how you try. Some people, they really want to be your close friend but they cannot no matter how they try. Maybe it is true, that not all friendships are mutual, and the statement "It takes two hands to clap" always has its validity. Many times, I would love to be trusted but I am the one who does not even trust enough. I do not think I am a radical but sometimes, definitely a cynic. People who genuinely treat me well, I might regard it as part of a hidden agenda. People who are clearly nosey parkers, I might mistake their plain curiosity as concern. Sometimes the line becomes too blur it gets a little difficult to draw. Nevertheless, I have learnt that we should never get used to anyone's presence nor take anyone for granted. I will continue to try to be the good friend I resolved to be, because that was what I said I would do from the s...

http://youtu.be/YTaa_DJrKa8 When you're alone I want you to know I'll be back some day It's time for me to have to go, away for so long To make our own paradise But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me You know this deep inside But it's not long now, till I'm on my way I keep wishing tomorrow was yesterday You're my everything, that won't disappear Girl you've got nothing to fear If you're alone, I want you to know I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night Just wait for me till I get home When you're on your own, I want you to know, I'll be there for you, I could never let go I realise that you want me to stay But hold on, I'll be back someday Be back someday, someday. When I return, I wanna see This beautiful baby who's still loving me With tears in her eyes but a smile on her face Impatiently we'll embrace

If you know that you are living in self-denial yet you enjoy living in self-denial, would you continue to deny? Is reality that important?

Dear God I can't thank you enough for this gift that you have bestowed me with. I am extremely thankful and I really don't know what else to say. I don't know how many years I have waited for this day. It really means so much to me! THANK YOU! GL

JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL JIAYOU GL

世上孤独的人很多。 有些会大胆表现出来。 有些刻意隐藏。 隐藏的原因是什么呢？ 我很好奇，很想知道。 把孤独隐藏起来，不是让自己更孤独吗？ 与身边的人分享这个担子，人会不会舒服些？ "Sorrows are divided while joy is multiplied when shared." - Mark Twain 如果人数乘于二，孤独却减一半，你愿意分享你的孤独吗？

Things might really be a lot simpler if we do not read too much. But sometimes we can't help but mull over issues, can we? I recall how I wanted to grow up quickly when I was a lot younger. Now that I am officially an adult, I long to return to the past where things were much simpler, and where we were genuinely innocent. Unfortunately, it is the knowledge of attaining innocence that makes it unattainable now. Are we not like that?

又回到最初的起點 記憶中妳青澀的臉 我們終於來到了這一天 桌墊下的老照片 無數回憶連結 今天男孩要赴女孩最後的約 又回到最初的起點 呆呆地站在鏡子前 笨拙繫上紅色領帶的結 將頭髮梳成大人模樣 穿上一身帥氣西裝 等會兒見妳一定比想像美 好想再回到那些年的時光 回到教室座位前後　故意討妳溫柔的罵 黑板上排列組合　妳捨得解開嗎 誰與誰坐他又愛著她 那些年錯過的大雨 那些年錯過的愛情 好想擁抱妳　擁抱錯過的勇氣 曾經想征服全世界 到最後回首才發現 這世界滴滴點點全部都是妳 那些年錯過的大雨 那些年錯過的愛情 好想告訴妳　告訴妳我沒有忘記 那天晚上滿天星星 平行時空下的約定 再一次相遇我會緊緊抱著妳 緊緊抱著妳

今天真的很开心。 又想笑，又想哭。 但有笑没有哭。 笑是因为开心。 不哭是因为不想更伤心。 一个简单的星期五就是这样度过。 就这样。

Wednesdays are always full of laughter. Today was not particularly different from any other Wednesdays, except that I ended school with much negative feelings. Other things aside, I think I am really not cut out to be a student. I almost could not understand a single concept taught in class today and this really discouraged me a lot. I really try very hard to catch up but it is as if the finishing line is constantly being brought further away from where it should be. Thing is, I see other people getting nearer to that line but I am hardly close. Actually I ask for very simple pleasures in life. I just want to be someone who makes the people around me happy. Because that makes me happy. I do not want a degree or anything for that matter. But of course, I know making people happy is not something that will suffice in life (some may think that is merely the job of a clown), at least to my mum it is not. And so, I have to continue gritting my teeth and carry on with what I have st...

Yes, I am sick again and I feel extremely unwell but I got to rush some assignments by today. For the first time, I went to the doctor myself (because my mum was not free to bring me there). It did feel very lonely and helpless but I am independent now! And I have friends who kept asking me to drink water and take care, friends who rubbed my head because I carelessly bumped into the wall so hard this afternoon, friends who sent me to the bus terminal (fearing that I would faint), friends who texted and asked me to rest. Thanks! And I shall be back to my assignments. Such is life. 我不见的时候，你会不会发现？ 你发现了之后，会不会来找我？ 找到我之后，你会不会说些什么？

Will the sorrows ever change? I hate having to come back to this stage all over again. Seriously, just shut up.

Just when I was feeling ultimate boredom last night, my two best friends called and told me they were outside my house with two bags of food. And so once again, my diet plan died. Nevertheless, I thank my two best friends for their effort and time. Indeed, sometimes all I need is friends to come and find me when I need it, even if it means in the middle of the night, just to hear me rant. I know. I am wilful and sometimes unreasonable. I know. Not everyone has the space and time to do what my best friends did. I know. It is not fair to categorize my best friends under Best Friends just because they have the time to do such things. But I am glad to say, it is not any of those that determines their position, but what we have gone through and shared all these years. Thank you for the food therapy my dears, although I went to bed earlier and did not entertain both of you. I really, really appreciate the late night visit. When I went to bed this morning, my mum said, "Are your frie...

I knew this was going to come sooner or later. And so, my mum called, and asked me to pack my things and move out of the room. Friends who know about my predicament have reminded me many times to fight for my right and put my foot down. But when my mum called, I did not argue at all. I merely said ok. Simply because I do not want to upset my mum. Many times I wonder if she loves my brother more than she loves me. But at the end of the day, I figure that is not important. I just need to know I love my mother and I will try my best not to disappoint her (if I cannot make her happy). I just hope there is space for my dangdangs who/which will very soon be homeless or dumped in the wardrobe again. Sigh.

I don't know how to talk to a friend who has picked up smoking. I don't know how to go back to the old days when Ohana was the happiest. I don't know how to make my family complete again. I don't know how to be a truly good daughter and friend. I don't know how to cope with all these things with sanity. I don't know how to deal with disappointment that creeps in all the time. I'm sure I've disappointed people around me too? But I won't know. I doubt I will ever come to terms with myself. It is so difficult to lead a simple life in a complicated world. Just like Logan.