past.

How exactly does one deal with disappointment? Teach me please. I am so tired. 也许我只是想放声大哭。

A day like this could have been worse. Thank you my dear friends who kept pushing me today, for the pat on my shoulder, for the encouragement and for your patience because you all knew I was not feeling well. The voice of reason in my head keeps telling me to keep going and never give up, and which I have been adhering to. Yet on the other hand, there is another voice that recently attempts to persuade me that I am tired and I should stop. Thank you Lily for spending nearly two hours listening and talking to me. If not I might very well go crazy very soon. Yes, I have been very vulnerable these days and every little thing makes me feel like crying. But I choose to believe that I am really stronger than this. Jiayou GL.

Sometimes I really try (and hope) to be everyone's good friend. And sometimes I believe I might have been one when my friends make me feel remembered. Thanks Mic! You made my day <3

One reason why I have always loved taking photographs of the soccer event every year is very much the kind of spirit I see on the field. I am not a fan of soccer and I am not a professional photographer. In fact, I do not think the pictures I take are nice. It is the kind of 'homecoming' feeling that the participants feel that always makes me think it is all worthwhile. I love how the the pioneer batch (in their mid-50s) would insist on finishing the game even though their oldest goalkeeper had begun to hyperventilate. I love how they would get rough to get the ball but at the end of the day they would shake hands. I love how their opponents had slipped and fell but they would help them up and carry on with the game. I love how some of them would smile throughout the game because they were enjoying the game, whichever team was leading. I love how some players would do a thumb up sign to their fellow team mates and not shout at the top of their voice after a goal was scored. Spo...

Can't remember when's the last time I tried so hard to hold back my tears. It sure didn't feel good. But in any case, I won't start because crying makes me vulnerable.

On my way to my student's house just now, I saw two girls playing hide-and-seek at the void deck. It dawned on me that the last time I played this game was perhaps when I was ten and I do miss playing with my neighbours or siblings. I remember how I always liked to be the one who hid and I was always the last to be found. I hated to be the seeker because my siblings always hid in the same old places (the toilet, the wardrobe, the storeroom) and there was simply no element of surprise. I disliked being the seeker too because it made me feel alone. Now that I am 21, sometimes I still feel like hiding (especially when there are issues that I cannot solve) but I do not really do that. Because I am afraid nobody comes searching for me. On a side note, there are so many things to do within the remaining days of recess week that I think I am now suffering from bulima. This is seriously bad.

It was very good time spent at MBS last night. I really loved the night view (even though it turned out that it was not my first time there). The singing session earlier really made me very heavy at heart that I think I almost cried singing. I'm thankful for the friends who brought me to MBS because enjoying the very beautiful night view really made me a lot happier. I have been feeling very vexed over alumni committments lately (I still am) that I did not want to reach home too early to read alumni-related emails. And so this explains why I did not want to go home last night. True enough, emails and text messages kept coming in, even till this morning. I went to school with a heavy heart (once again) and had actually intended to have lunch all by my own while I wallowed in self-pity. And then here came Yuru who asked if I was okay. I explained my predicament and her advice really enlightened me. Whatever, I will put my foot down this time. Caught Smurfs today a...

她从没想过。没想过再次见到他会是在一个小学同学的生日会上。更没想过会在一年九个月后再次跟他说话。 她记得二十岁生日的那个晚上，她得知他和她十年的好友走在一起的消息。 她记得从那开始再也不敢晚上出门，因为害怕看到他们在一起。 她记得二十一岁生日那个晚上，他们两个一起来到她家门口送礼物。那是她收过最残忍的祝福。 她收到的是一只手表。也许是要提醒她，时间会冲淡一切。 当她知道他会出席生日会的时候，愣了一下。她一点心理准备都没有。 还没来得及思考要怎么面对，他已经到了。 他打了招呼，她没看见。他以为她还是不想跟他说话。 当她知道后，有点内疚。等他走过来的时候，她说：“坐啊。” 他笑了笑点点头。 沉默了许久，她又问：“不吃？” “吃过了。” 沉默。 “你现在在做什么？” “读书咯。” “读什么？” “中文。” 她并没有特别惊讶。过了这么久，他仍然对她的近况不清楚。 又是一阵沉默。 “你还在给那个老师的孩子补习吗？” 她呆了两三秒。 “没了。” 这一次，她确实很惊讶。她想不到他还记得。 另外一个小学同学开始在那里有意无意地不停说话。也许他感觉到了其中的尴尬。 说着说着，已很晚了。三个人一同走到巴士站。 她发现自己仍然喜欢走在他的后面，看他的背影。 她仍然喜欢听到他的笑声。 还没走到巴士站，那个同学的巴士来了。于是他赶上去，离开了。 剩下他们两个。 从走到巴士站到坐下来等巴士，大概有三分钟。他们没有说到半句话。 确实不像她。 她常觉得自己不论是跟谁都会有话聊。 但是今晚，她真的不知道该说什么好。 当她正在绞尽脑汁想想应该说什么的时候，他的巴士来了。 他并没有意识到。也许他也在想应该说些什么。 “你的车来了，bye bye。” “哦…好快哦…” “Bye bye。” “Hmmm…See you soon. Bye。” 她并没有再回应，因为她最不喜欢说再见。她笑笑，挥了挥手。 看到他上了车，隔着巴士的玻璃窗再次挥了挥手。 她一个人坐在巴士车站。 过去发生的事一瞬间在她脑海里闪过。 她并没有难过。 不觉得痛，而是觉得空。 她有点希望他会发个简讯告诉她保重还是什么的。 然后她发现自己之前换了号码，没有告诉他。 也许这样更好，因为她永远不会知道他最后有没有发简讯给她。 可能有呢？ 不管有没有，她知道，她其实还是希望他幸福的。 但更重要的是，她觉得感觉确实已经不在了。 原来时间真的会冲淡一切...

昨天跟Mic和亦容逛了很久，虽然没买到东西，但是有的逛街还是很开心的。接着就跟大学的那群姐妹（衍兴也算是半个姐妹？）去看了戏剧《阿Q后传》。是部很不错的戏剧，引入了不少现代元素、讽刺意味浓重、演员专业，可以说是值回票价。看完的时候已经很迟了，但是我们不忘跟小叮当和皮卡丘照相。大家玩得很开心。 今天下课后，吃了饭，去买了朋友的生日礼物，然后回家休息，一会儿又去补习。补习提早结束，很想找个朋友出来。但我看着电话簿里的名字，想不到有谁是可以很爽快马上出来的。于是我决定还是不要打扰别人了，独自搭了一班很久的巴士，自己去逛街。我知道这并非明智的选择，因为每当一个人逛街，我是不可能空手而归的。确实，我终究是挥霍了。不过就新币五元，不至于为此感到惭愧。 接着就走了一段很长的路到地铁站…… 很久没有独自走这么长的路，而且还是这么暗的晚上。虽然很希望有个人走在旁边，但一个人走，想想事情也是好的。 最近确实在烦恼一些事。我很想相信这都只是微不足道的事。但事实上，如果微不足道，我又为什么要为之烦恼？快到家的时候，我想起了一群朋友。每天面对着这些人，即使不开心，我都会用微笑（有时甚至大笑）来带过。因为大家都这么开心，笑是最好也是最恰当的回应。这不是伪装，不是掩饰，而是以一种回报的方式表现自己。想到这里，我就觉得，其他事没那么重要了。包括幸福在内。 幸福应该可以很简单的吧？幸福需要勇气。勇气我有，但暂时用完了。我是在追逐幸福的路上遗失的，短期内应该找不回来。我希望有勇气的不只我一个人。我还是希望有个人会帮我把它找回来的。 幸福，应该就这么简单吧？ 是我们总是喜欢把事情弄得乱七八糟。 但无论如何，我决定不想这么多了。毕竟，勇气不是人人都有的。 最后我要说的是，以后应该多走路，脑子会清楚些。 *This is NOT an emo post :D

There are two types of insecure people. One shows his/her insecurity and expects to be showered with concern. The other does not show and is expected to shower the former with concern. This is so unfair.   我当做了一场梦。

Am I a good friend? Do I care for my friends, or do I care for myself? Sometimes I really wonder.

After lesson today, I went for tuition. My mum called and told me that I've got a parcel. From the time I hung up till I reached my doorstep, I kept guessing who it could be. After all, I have sent countless of parcels to my friends but never really got one. And then I opened the parcel. There were 9 Doraemon and 1 Doraemi 不倒翁 inside, and a note that started off with "Happy Smiling Day" and ended off with "You're one of the strongest people I know, I'm believing in you". Thank you Pee :) Your encouragement is timely. I really love receiving handwritten notes :) Side notes: 1. My darling is not alright and I am extremely worried. I think I need to send it for servicing soon. 2. Happy 11th Anniversary to Blue :D

最近，有个人常做些让我很感动的事。 我并不觉得自己是个容易感动的人，但是最近两个星期确实有很感动。 我也说不上喜欢还是不喜欢这样的感觉。 当然，也许多数的人会喜欢。毕竟，感动的感觉总是能给人慰籍。 我也觉得是如此。 但除了慰籍以外，我还多了一份害怕。 是，我是很胆小。 我害怕这种感动的感觉最终给我的是期待，然后失望。 我不该再放纵自己。   剧终   

I've had a mixture of feelings this week. Confused, scared, demoralised, uncertain. But I have to say, I've had very positive feelings too: touched and assured. Many people around me have made me feel very touched, this week in particular. Recently, my thoughts have been running wild and I often found myself struggling between suppression and submission (of my feelings of course). But I have friends who keep encouraging me and that explains why I feel very touched. I hope I will always bear in mind that there are always people who care. And I decided I will heed Yanli's advice, I will not think too much. Or at least I am going to try. I think I'm done with speculations of unnecessary matters. 在感性和理性的把持上，要有一定的功力。 To you: 如果你真是我的知音，好听和不好听的，都讲给我听。

Today is an unhappy day. I feel extremely worn out and discouraged. And that's that. stalemate

今天跟彦丽一起回家的时候，聊着聊着，她跟我说：“Live the moment”。我对这句话有很多疑惑。不是没有听过，只是很少听到有人这么对我说。我不是不知道什么是活在当下，只是这种处世方式总让我受到伤害。接着我们又谈到过去的一些事。触到旧伤的那一刻，我竟然有一股想哭的冲动。事情过了三年我都不曾哭过，今天居然想哭？确实可笑。 最后她说：“如果真的觉得没结果，那就放弃咯。” 然后我发现，其实有时候我需要的不是别人的肯定，而是否定。因为只有被否定的时候，我才知道自己要的是什么。 When the past resurfaces, I start running.

Seeing photographs of you always makes me question myself: Have I really moved on? But I know this is one question I should never ask myself, lest I stopped moving forward. There is always this fear of going back, thus I keep running, in the hope of setting foot at a new destination where I feel safe. I have now all the courage I need to close an old chapter, but I can't find the same kind of courage I need for anything else. The loopholes in your words begin to surface now, and so all the more I am thankful.

http://youtu.be/32h8DKws-No 在丽伟的Facebook上面看到这首歌的video。好好听。 你出现我身边 像个奇迹发生没想到会是你 让我如此失魂我心中的感觉 是这样陌生快乐的牵挂 在相聚的每一分 曾以为我见过所有爱的可能 这一刻才明了 我有多天真 想给你全世界 一刻我都不愿等 想要你的心 却怕不能成真 因为你有你的人生 我有我的旅程 在前方还有等着你的人 你会哭会笑会爱会伤神 你会不会敲我的门 虽然你对我的认真 我也感动万分 你终究不是属于我的人 但记得在你孤单的时候 我会伸出双手 我会是你朋友 到永久

secret chamber

The week has been extremely hectic (minus an awesome concert on Tuesday night). There is no longer such thing as adequate sleep and on top of that, there is the never-ending list of things to do. Worst of all is, I am still not prioritizing things. Sometimes I really hate myself for not knowing what I really want (or even don't want). Many times I feel like giving up, really. But I think the only reason why I did not (at least within this week), is that I have discovered another side of myself which I never would have seen. Maybe I've learnt to persevere a little more. And maybe I've become a little bolder than before. It struck me lately that there is nothing much to be afraid of when dealing with certain situations, because there is really nothing to lose, at least on my part. I don't really know how to go on from here. This is random but, if any part of my speeches/actions of late has hurt anyone around me, I am truly sorry. I am not working hard enough. I will try h...