past.

I have lost count of the number of pills I popped since three nights ago. And the nightmares. Last night's was slightly more intense. Such as getting slammed during a round of judo, and which jolted me to the waking world. But to be frank, I am not sure if all that weird dreams stuff should be taken seriously now because I do not feel too negative about things recently. My dearest J texted today to ask if I knew. That silly girl. Ever so full of righteousness when it comes to issues that involve me. I cannot thank her enough for her listening ear every time I need it. I really ought to be thankful for people like her. Let me do this slowly, I believe I can.

I remember over one of the meals I had with chew in March, she looked me in the eyes and  said to me very sternly, "You can know a person for a very, very long time but you may not always know what he is thinking, no matter how well and long you know him." Actually I think most of us know that, but perhaps do not really acknowledge it. I have been trying to make sense of things. Of the relationships between different people. But making SENSE is so much of an overestimation. L used to say I am good with people. Honestly, I am finding this harder by the days. My intention has never been to upset but only to make things better, yet it seems to be getting nowhere. I ever wondered if people meant it when they said they did not care. Because whenever I say that, most of the time I do. In fact I always do. It is the weekend. But it does not seem like it is going to be a good one. Not for me. But for my loved ones. I am not unhappy. I haven't been for a while. But my heart goes o...

爱你阿妹！

The thunder has been rumbling since 8 p.m. And I like the sound of that. My stomach makes the same sound now. But I am already in bed. The past two days I just feel soooo exhausted I actually fell asleep a few times on the bus. Yet when I lay in bed at night, I couldn't feel more energetic. One thing I am glad, is my recent affair with cakes. I don't always crave for cakes but once I start, I take some time to stop. I have tried quite a number of cakes in the past one week or two and such indulgence really makes life a lot more pleasant. Especially cheesecake. I haven't visited Starbucks for a week, even though I crave for my soyed latte everyday. Actually I had so much to say but I am so tired I shall end here.

回头看, 你是如此遥远。仿佛不曾靠近过。 这种时候, 静茹那些激励人心的歌曲就会在脑海里响起。 看到大家各自有为之奋斗并且快乐的目标, 我想我应该开心的。

What is that feeling like? I don't know. Maybe it's like a hand grabbed it and twisted it. I want to put it aside for good now. Because I know I have done all I could. I had liked the red velvet chocolate cake and the crumble top cheesecake. And the X-treme pizza I ordered a few hours ago.

This song is so 青峰 mygoodness!!! LOL

作词：姚若龙 作曲：林俊杰 编曲：蔡政勋、陈君豪 谁的窗台 种满鲜红的盆栽 固执等待 谁踩碎夜幕爬上来 不梦幻的不精彩 不狂烈的不想爱 谁在人海 随波逐流的感慨 浪漫情怀 被岁月冲刷成死白 遗失热血和期待 只剩思念没腐坏 多渴望找到 时光的隧道 重回到简单 容易觉得美好 敢疯狂拥抱 敢将伤痛忘掉 不知道害怕 就没什么烦恼 一旦领教现实残忍 未战会先逃 一旦世故保守 活得就冷静 苍老 谁的脑海 飘浮怀旧的尘埃 望着窗外 寂寞从眼角溢出来 疑惑自己为什么 而存在 多渴望找到 一条时光隧道 重回到简单 容易觉得美好 敢疯狂拥抱 敢将伤痛忘掉 不知道害怕 就没什么烦恼 一旦领教现实残忍 未战会先逃 一旦世故保守 活得就冷静 苍老 我 梦里朝着你跑 你 笑容洒在嘴角 爱 没人能贬低 没事能干扰 我曾说 要你感到骄傲 你 曾说有我就好 爱 本来多晴空 后来多监牢 多渴望找到 时光的隧道 重回到简单 容易觉得美好 敢疯狂拥抱 敢将伤痛忘掉 不知道害怕 就没什么烦恼 一旦领教现实后 未战会先逃 一旦世故后 活得就冷静 苍老

相爱本身已经很不容易。让它更加艰难的是身边人的不接受。 我真的很为死党担心。 老天请保佑死党可以安然度过这关。

人随着年龄的增长, 经历的事情越多, 看到的也多, 自然有很多深刻的体会。很多人说我朋友多, 交游广阔。我不以为然。因为我真的觉得, 重要关头, 真正在那里给你扶持的人, 屈指可数。我总说, 我一生有两个最好的朋友。事实上也并非如此。这一年来我很仔细想过这个问题。我知道, 对我不离不弃的其实是四个死党。我也不断提醒自己, 就算有个什么人已经不再那么常见到, 也不能忘记他当初曾经给我最大的鼓励。所以这个朋友, 我还是把他列在荣誉榜上。曾经有个人问我: "最好的朋友只能有一个, 不是吗?" 我觉得不一定。如果幸运的话, 可以有四个。我就比较幸运。而对于这份运气我也非常感恩。 昨天算是一个重要的日子。至少我真的期待了很久。其中一个死党答应了男友的求婚。我反复看了求婚经过的视频, 每一次都必定会心一笑。时间过好快, 我们, 或者应该只是他们, 即将步入人生另一阶段。而我呢? 还在苦苦探索着, 连一份理想的工作都没有。不迷惘, 那肯定是假的。但我已经开始很坦然。因为我并没有不去尝试, 也许只能继续相信是机缘未到。 玮馨问我, 经过昨晚朋友的求婚, 是否感触良多。我最诚实的答案是: 除了为好友感到非常开心非常感动, 我现在更相信自己少了期待。因为我根本没有勇气去拥抱爱情。 颖豪对我说过一句话: "我觉得你的爱情有效期很短暂。" 他说我很容易暗恋男生。事实上, 当时年少无知的我, 所谓的暗恋不过就是觉得对方很可爱, 偶尔多看几眼。年轻的我们又怎知情为何物? 我想我真正的体会在十八岁那年。但我也好奇, 到底有效期要多长才算长呢? 难道一切真的都能用时间衡量吗? 我不晓得。只不过, 不知道从什么时候开始, 我觉得十八岁那年的事情好像是最近发生的事, 而之后发生过的任何事情, 包括上星期的, 都离我好遥远。我想是这样的吧, 在某种程度上, 只要放开了, 肯献上最真诚的祝福, 一切就已经不再重要。 我想我应该真的不可能去寻回十八岁时的那种勇气了。又或者我一直都只享受追逐一份感情的感觉, 却无力去承受它的实在。既然没有勇气拥抱, 更没有勇气克服自己的怯懦, 那只好放弃这一块。希望往后的自己对待老妈小妹和朋友会更加更加的无条件的好, 然后继续爱自己。我也只能这样, 对吧?

With time, you just come to realise who means a lot and who does not. A is one of those favourite and most important ones. Today has been a very blissful day. And I wish her a lifetime of happiness. I am soooo happy for you!

简直就要死掉了。lol.

我喜欢站在大门前看着散布整个天空的乌云。还有那一阵阵低沉的雷声，好像乌云在嘀咕什么。暴风雨来袭前，空气总会特别闷热。但也正因为如此，我更期待暴风雨的到来。越大越好。尘世有太多需要被稀释的东西。

I felt like I was wandering aimlessly on that path alone. Even though the clique was behind, making a lot of noises. They were really happy. But I was really NOT sad you know? I did not even know what I was feeling. It was not negativity, for sure. But not any positivity either. I tried to explain that I was tired, but that was clearly not the reason. On our way to the tau huay place, one of the pushcarts was playing that song I would listen to at night when I needed encouragement. It has been a long time. I believe I have removed it from my playlist some time ago when I was deleting all the things I felt should cease to exist in my memory card. Or for that matter, memory. One thing I hated about myself was after passing by that pushcart I found myself singing that song to myself. A few times. And every time I very consciously stopped myself. But resumed again subconsciously. No sadness. No misery. Really. Maybe I just needed encouragement again. The clique seemed happy to catch a movi...

The interview went pretty smoothly. For once I did not feel too uncertain nor dissatisfied. It felt ideal despite the not-so-attractive starting pay. And I appreciate the fact that the seemingly nice lady boss gave me some time to think through it clearly. I have lost count of the number of interviews I have attended since last June. And I am beginning to see the change in my attitude towards job hunting. Not that I am nonchalant of course, but I realised I do not see every opportunity as being extremely important, but merely doing what I can. So I was naturally lighthearted as I left the place to meet the uni clique. We had our favourite Watami full salad which I am hardly sick of. I liked how everyone seemed to be in high spirits today. Their smiles always comfort me. Xi and I shared a Venti soyed latte. For some reason, the drink always tastes exceptionally good when shared with a good friend. What's more it was a free beverage I painstakingly earned after my ten soyed lattes an...

Last night S followed me on Instagram and it was the best thing that happened yesterday. Today, the heart continued to feel weird and there were many images in the head. Not that they mattered a lot, but it was just hurtful. I don't know. But still thankful for the long WhatsApp chat with W. I finally shared all that I felt I needed to with her and yes, it was nice to have people who know you. After a simple dinner with Coconut and Starfruit, I tried to remind myself to forget about that disturbing issue. While I walked on that path home, I fished out my S4 and received a text from an unknown overseas number. It read: Thought of you tonight. Hope everything is well for you! Wrong number, I thought. Because N would have used his Singapore number and R too. In the end, the sign off was Twinnie. I could not be more pleasantly surprised. Last night was S and today, her. It felt like the past was returning, but in a good way. We had a casual chat. A genuinely sincere one. A thankful one...

I know you have had a rough time yesterday. Especially last night. The tossing and turning till 3 a.m. And then the nightmares which you probably no longer remember. It is good. It is good not to remember the unhappy.  If there was any loss yesterday, it was a little bit of faith. But because you have lost so much of that, maybe that tiny bit yesterday should not matter so much. Thing is, it twisted you anyway. It was uncanny, wasn't it? From the way you shivered after Starbucks yesterday. Even though it was your favourite soyed green tea latte which was supposed to act like potion. And the hot pot place. It was playing all the songs you now hate to hear. The lyrics were exceptionally pretentious, weren't they? So it was like food therapy on one hand and heartwrenching songs on the other. In the end, the session only caused more hurt than heal. And then finally, the weeping of the sea at 10 p.m. People say, the sounds of sea waves have a therapeutic effect. Apparently, you hear...

当我说过去两周过得很好的时候, 我是认真的。 直到下午从那堆明信片当中翻出那久久没寄出的三张。 心狠狠地痛了一下。 想叫芝帮我扔掉。结果她看了之后, 无意地透露了一些我一直想知道却没有去询问的事情。 有点可笑。 因为告诉我的人竟然是个最不可能知道的人。 心是纠了一下。 老实说, 我也不知道为什么。 原来我的梦是真的。原来我混淆梦境与现实是因为它是事实的几率是一。 我现在面对着大海。很认真地问自己为什么有这样的感受。其实我应该知道的。只是自尊总是不让我勇于面对。 我想芝说的话有点道理吧。 我想是我们时间不对吧。但真的, 我很衷心地献上我的祝福。 下雨了。 我想我们会很好的。

Still, I have no idea what I am going to lose tomorrow, or any other day ahead. But I have been quite satisfied and grateful for the past two weeks. Random text messages from friends. Bus rides with YY and encouragement messages from him after we got home. Random calls. Badminton games. Great food. And the anticipation of my favouritest movie next week. If there is anything I am going to lose, I hope it is weight.

在这种时间面对这样的情形, 我竟然都可以无动于衷。 我突然觉得自己已经麻木到一种恐怖境界。 说真的, 就是束手无策。 夜深人静, 我到底可以做什么? 而且一开始, 我就已经不能做什么。 但我在想, 这是不是另外一个考验?

It felt like public holidays these two days. Is that good? I had a pretty good time sweating it out over a short game yesterday and meeting the clique for dinner (even though best friend and I secretly had dinner prior to the gathering). And then it was a short catch up with my dearest primary school buddy S over a round of mahjong. It was a bad night's sleep because Z's alarm went off 6 times and it was an extremely awful and annoying alarm tone. The good thing being, for the consecutive second morning, I woke up to a storm outside and it just felt refreshing. Best friend and Z and I had our very satisfying Mac breakfast that made me decide I really needed to quit fast food for at least the rest of this month. So yup, it is Saturday again. Laoshi's daughter spoke up a little more today and that felt quite... accomplishing. I don't know. She is usually reserved and responds to my questions within two lines. Today I shared with her a bit on animal issues and she actually...

Read in Wiki that there will be a cameo of Famke Janssen and James Marsden. Wiki please do not cheat my feelings!!!

It is already mid-May, and I think time just flashes past when I have not even done a single constructive thing since I returned from my lovely trip. But I really enjoy working on my postcards every time I come back from a country. My latest plan is to remove all my AhWU and Blue posters and fill my room with my postcards. Yesterday was one of those days I did not have to have classes. The uni best friend asked to have lunch and so we had poulet which I always wanted to try. And I had my soyed latte after two weeks!!! I sat there for at least two hours. Missed those me-times. Dinner was another impromptu one with Auntie Rainbow. She never fails to bring me something back from a county she visits. So this time, Belgium chocolates. Always thankful for someone who remembers me.

Watching all the recent X-men interviews just makes me tear up!!! :'(

星期三好像总有让人燃起希望的事情发生。而我也不知道从什么时候开始觉得这件事在某种程度上是老师在保佑我。我想人就是喜欢为每一件事情的发生找出一个合理的解释。而目前为止我只能为自己的幸运想出一个这样的理由。 昨晚一夜没睡好, 所以现在特别疲倦。我做了一个梦, 让我再次有点混淆梦与现实。很久没有这样的感觉了。但至少我觉得自己得到了一点心理上的平和。 我梦见你们在一起了, 而且挺幸福的样子。醒来第一件事, 我居然很想传简讯告诉你: "我的梦是有颜色的, 所以代表了会成真, 你要加油了!" 当然我并没有这么做。因为我还真不想惹来一些不必要的冤枉和侮辱。说我不够潇洒也行, 说我在意别人的眼光也罢, 最起码我现在知道我不再在乎有没有人给我机会澄清事实。因为事情已经过了大半年, 也没有人在乎真相是什么。我曾经最纠结的就是没有机会解释, 但现在看来, 一切好像已经显得好遥远。我不敢说我的伤口已经都愈合了, 但心没那么激动了。那是好事。 不过我倒是打从心里想要说: "加油了。" 我现在坐在咖啡座的落地窗旁边, 感觉良好。不知道接下来还会失去什么, 但我对现在这一刻很感恩。 P.S. : There have been rumours that Famke Janssen and James Marsden will have a cameo in Days of Future Past. I am soooooooo, excited please.

There has been an overload of positive energy today. But no one ever finds positive energy too much. I visited LL laoshi yesterday and he was very encouraging. So I told myself, I must not give up hope. I think he is one of my lucky stars. Because every time after meeting him, I feel confident and happy. Today I texted a list of people to send my regards. They are the people I meet once a year. B asked me how I have been. I told him the usual and added that I am loving life more. He replied saying, "Did I tell you I am now attached? So I love life too!!" That has to be one of the sweetest things I have heard in ages. While some people say we should not allow our happiness be determined by someone else, I guess sometimes we all need a reason to love life and feel good about being alive. I am truly happy for him, because he is such a nice dude for as long as I have known him! I do not deny that I am now more indifferent to certain people, things or issues. But somehow I think t...

Last night I felt some strong serenity in me. It made me sleep really well. But I dreamt of sam. In the dream I was trying to snap a picture of him in the sandpit of a playground with the beautiful blue sky as the backdrop. I could not do it. There were too many people in the way and they did not allow me to take a good photograph. I interpreted my dream again and the results did not seem very optimistic. So I figured they were not that accurate after all. Because while May is a month that reminds me of sam, I know I have moved on. I have not really talked about Perth, have I? Ahh, really, some things are better felt with the heart, words cannot express the times I had there. But I must say, it was so much fun. Cottesloe beach was definitely one of the best. It may be a short trip, where we did not follow the itinerary entirely, where they dropped my Wolverine's claws into the sea, but I think it had been the best company I could ever have. I really love travelling now. And I will ...

Today has been one of my favourite days in my life. Best company, best sights, best weather.

昨天太累了, 忘了说。师母和阿嬷真的对我很好。很温暖。 昨天去老师家的路上, 碰到一位老爷爷。他向我要两块钱搭车, 说他的巴士卡没钱了。我赶时间, 马上从钱包里掏出三个硬币给他就匆匆离开了。 后来我其实有在想, 他有没有可能在骗我呢? 但我发现, 我根本不在乎。我只是很庆幸, 原来我还是可以相信人的。 那种还可以继续相信的感觉很不错。 这里天气好好。目前很满意 :)

It was another day of very mixed feelings. Demoralised to receive two rejection emails from mdc. I thought I would feel better by eating Mac but apparently, I wasted $5.40 on accumulating calories but not making myself feel beter. Student made me feel so much better. He was so proud of himself because of one Math question he completed. And it reminded me of myself during secondary school days. Deriving joy from studies, Mathematics in particular. The gum issue has been very worrying. So I got myself a Colgate for sensitive teeth. I was scanning the directions at the back of the tube when the part on letting children use the fluoride brought back some fond memories. The first time my mum taught me how to brush my teeth when I was three. She stood beside me, squeezed the toothpaste onto my tiny green toothbrush and asked me to follow her while she pretended to brush hers with an imaginary toothbrush. Then she cupped some water from the running tap and asked me to drink from her hands...

I used to think that when you are sick of explaining, just keep quiet. Thing is, people still expect you to talk. That, is extremely annoying. On top on my numb gums. So I spent about two hours with A today having dinner and shopping for our respective trips. Burned a hole in my wallet. A big one.

Quite sad. The second instalment of The Amazing Spiderman is relatively less amazing than the first. It is no doubt another blockbuster, you can tell the amount of capital invested in the film from the large-scale destructions of the infrastructures etc. The cameo appearance of Stan Lee is supposedly another plus point because probably no figure will be more prominent than him in a Marvel production but unfortunately not many people (including myself) can easily spot him. I like how the movie has a constant focus on the theme of time. The concept of the relationship between time and loss is portrayed via Richard Parker's speech in the video when he says he wished he had more time, and the fight between Spiderman and Green Goblin in the clock tower, where Gwen Stacy eventually dies. I am not sure if these are just coincidences but at least I kept seeing the links and I thought it is a smart connection. However, unfortunately, I think there are quite some loopholes here and there. Li...

 今天不管是说话还是打字, 就很不想用英文, 不知道为什么。 今早一如往常, 搭地铁到老师家给他的小孩补习。因为车程比较长, 我又没有在地铁或巴士上阅读的习惯, 于是就会想很多。 好像不知不觉就这样过了大半年。我指的自然不只是老师的逝世, 而是过去发生的一切。过去几个月仿佛一场大海啸, 吞噬了我对人对事的信心, 也淹没了我曾经有过的许多幻想。我很认真地看了一下之前的我, 再看看现在的自己。是有差异。不见得是往好的方面转变, 但绝对不是越来越糟糕。人往下掉久了, 总是得往上升。说实在的, 我不知道这样的转变是基于近来太忙碌, 还是因为之前经历的事情确实可以改变一个人, 就是觉得自己每天都在跟时间赛跑。这个感觉并不特别好。因为真的很喘。尤其现在的我还没学会跳出别人的框框, 总是顾虑一些人的感受, 不能完全为自己而活。这样的我, 更累。但是我已经在学着。我不否认, 我现在对身边人的信任, 指数已经到了前所未有的低。就像这个属于我的小小空间我也不再让平时谈心的朋友知道, 因为不知道哪天我又要再受伤。 中午饭后跟师母闲聊。她跟我分享很多关于克服悲痛的事。她说人之所以因为失去而感到悲痛是因为跟失去的人的关系未能完整, 还有很多事没有一起完成, 还有话还没说。我想这里的失去可以是对方逝去, 或纯粹是对方不再存在于自己的世界里。差别可能就是, 如果是前者, 一切从此不再能弥补。但我想最终失去就是失去。我失去的, 有的生, 有的死。生生死死, 却什么都不会回来, 带给我的悲痛不相伯仲。师母说, 事情无论过多久, 伤口被触碰的时候还是会痛。人之所以说: "时间可以治愈所有伤痛", 其实只不过是随着时间的流逝, 我们和不开心的事会越来越生疏, 会想得越来越少, 但想到的时候还是会痛。我记得一个月前的自己, 每天祈求自己可以快点振作起来。可是原来康复这回事是无形的, 也是急不来的。它会跟着自己的节奏, 自己的方式进行。关键在于不可以催促。 那天朋友问我: "你现在好了吗?" 我说: "这是心态问题。" 我绝对不是那种乐观潇洒的人, 但心态上我一直在做调整。现在的自己不会每天都笑, 但至少不再那么害怕。每天偶尔还是会不自觉地想起, 伤口时而痛, 时而没感觉。我相信很快的, 散落一地的勇气应该慢慢都会捡回来。

Times like today I really feel like a good friend. An impromptu meeting to celebrate birthday. Forgoing calories, weariness, work and whatnots. The awesome thing about meeting great friends is you don't have to care about who pays for your drink. Everyone pays for something and the main focus is getting down to a decent catchup over the meal. I guess it's always better to keep the number small.

作詞：林夕 作曲：阿弟仔 編曲：艾瑋倫 製作：阿弟仔 那是個月亮　就是個月亮　並不是地上霜 那地上花瓣　看完了就完　沒必要再聯想 甚麼秋水　怎麼望穿 甚麼燈火　怎麼闌珊 甚麼風景　就怎麼看　何必要拐彎 打開門　就見山　我見山　就是山 本來就　很簡單　不找自己麻煩 痛就痛　傷就傷　是誰說　肝腸會寸斷　混帳 點了燈　就會亮　關了燈　就會暗 誰活得　不耐煩　哪裡來的感嘆 聚就聚　散就散　誰曾說　獨自莫憑欄　笨蛋 那是把雨傘　就是把雨傘　不是感情遺產 那煙消雲散　是天氣現象　不上浪漫的當

I am typing this post with eyelids that weigh tonnes. Yes, I did realise. That I always have this tendency to not want to crash to bed early when it is a happy day. There seems to be this notion that retiring to bed early is as good as wasting the good day away, even if the day has come to an end. Maybe everyone, or is it just me, likes to have extended happiness.  It is a shame on my part, that I was feeling a tiny tinge of reluctance to meet the uni people because the past two weeks have been a constant mad rush and I just wanted to have a day to myself. Of course, at the end of our picnic, I was extremely grateful. We really had so much fun. And I dare to say the rest felt so too. It is always nice to know, that feelings are mutual. Some things still hurt a little, when touched. But not so much anymore. I am especially relieved I did not coincide with anybody that might spoil the day for me. It was just good time spent on the grass with happy people. No wonder people say the col...

老实说, 今天真的应该是很开心的一天。 为什么这样的事要发生呢? 作为一个旁观者, 我不知道可以做什么。我只知道自己看到了无奈, 彷徨。 至于我自己, 充满着恐惧和不解。。