There has been an overload of positive energy today. But no one ever finds positive energy too much. I visited LL laoshi yesterday and he was very encouraging. So I told myself, I must not give up hope. I think he is one of my lucky stars. Because every time after meeting him, I feel confident and happy. Today I texted a list of people to send my regards. They are the people I meet once a year. B asked me how I have been. I told him the usual and added that I am loving life more. He replied saying, "Did I tell you I am now attached? So I love life too!!" That has to be one of the sweetest things I have heard in ages. While some people say we should not allow our happiness be determined by someone else, I guess sometimes we all need a reason to love life and feel good about being alive. I am truly happy for him, because he is such a nice dude for as long as I have known him! I do not deny that I am now more indifferent to certain people, things or issues. But somehow I think that is the way it should be. No one is superman. We cannot juggle with too many things at a go and be good at every. Every single day, I am still learning how to let go and move on. I am still not the optimistic person people want me to be. I do not see the point. One thing I am sure, though, I love myself slightly more now. When no one loves you, at least you love yourself. Then all is not lost. I cannot put into words how this mindset comes about. It comes with experience. Pain, losses and anything that is capable of inflicting hurt.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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