past.

My world continues to spin these days. And I have been feeling really lethargic. No amount of sleep or rest seems to help because lost sleep cannot really be replenished can it? If anything, actually I just want to take a long, long break. Because it's July! It's already July. Technically speaking, I have graduated from university for a year. And I am going to really start from zero next month onward.

I won't forget how we were planning to move to a smaller place if you were to die. I won't forget how my brother sat on the floor in the living room, weeping, thinking that he was going to lose someone dear to him. I won't forget how you slept behind the wheel and mum looked down from the windows of the second floor. She was worried sick that she took out the jade which she thought would bring good luck. And then it all turned out to be a scam. All in the name of money. Ten grands, and then another ten grands. I could never imagine anyone feigning ill to that extent, to toy with the sympathy and love of his family members. All in the name of money. Today? The same plot all over again. Seriously. Call me evil, call me merciless. Whatever. I don't fucking care. I am consuming all this anger because my mum is not making any noise and so all the more I have no right to interfere. I don't want to anyway. 

'忍' 是一把刀插在心上，是很痛的。 我还在学习。也在强忍。这都是过程。

There was so much in my head today the thoughts were overflowing. But as my fingers ran through the letters on the keyboard, I changed my mind. No more feelings of morose. Perhaps only exhaustion. The good time in the day overpowered the almost teary moments towards evening. I need nothing but a good sleep now.

So we watched TFIOS finally. I didn't find myself "in a puddle of tears" as Hazel Grace would put it but I could feel the incessant flowing of warm and salty tears on my face. I had needed that. One of the things on my to-do list these days is watching a touching movie and let my tears flow freely. I thought that would be very healthy for the mind, and it probably was. It was not the romance between the two leads that touched me actually, but the mother's love for her daughter. She mentions something like everyone has to deal with losses but eventually they live with it. That particular scene got me. The muscles around my heart were literally throbbing and I found myself gasping for air. I wonder if it was because there were some losses I need(ed) to move on from. And am still figuring that out... It is a slight pity the director did not include a scene where Hazel frantically looks for the last pages of Gus' diary. I thought that would be very exciting and a smal...

The major issue with me, is often afraid of being judged. And I promise I am learning to put that down. Because deep down I truly know I am genuine about giving my blessings to those who are happy. Like I cannot feel more excited when I see that a friend is happily engaged and I so want to shake his hand and wish him a blissful life ahead. I like to be happy for people, even if it is one whom i have almost lost touch with. But that is when i think they are really happy. Then again I know that is itself a judgement that I am passing. And so I tell myself I must put myself in the shoes of those who are judging me now. While I am sincere about giving my blessings, and while I never understand why I am repeatedly mistaken to have ulterior motives, I tell myself, as long as I am being true to myself, don't change. I shall hold on to the belief, that you will feel my sincerity one day.

For the next ....two weeks at least, no more 1. Cheesecake 2. Fast food 3. Junk food 4. Supper (but I don't usually have supper...) 5. Starbucks. I think the last one is a super challenging one. But the point of listing these out is so that I will put in more effort in cutting down.

Can't remember the last time I woke up as early as 7.15am. I have always liked the sound of those three digits. And I can't remember the last time I woke up to an overcast sky accompanied by claps of thunder this loud. Can't remember the last time I felt the morning rain and breeze brushing with my face. I can't remember the last time I pulled through cramps this terrible. But I can't remember the many last times that almost killed me and I have come so far anyway.

I wanted to post an entry with a lot of sad faces. Because cramps are so bad, headache is bad. And I haven't shed my one kilo. Then I recalled the lunch with my three friends this afternoon. M, L and Y. On normal days I would have talked a lot more. But my cramps stopped me from rattling on today. It was when I discovered I had found that comfortable anyway. We were like a group of old friends who were used to one another's presence. They are very important figures in my life all these years. While we are probably going to meet up less often because all of us will be working soon, I really look forward to the next hangout together :)

想把這首歌點給所有一直支持著我的人 :)

I cannot believe it myself. It's only 10.05pm and I'm already in bed. My brain is half shut and the stomach, rumbling for food. But I slept a long 45 minutes this afternoon... and according to the whatsoever studies, naps shorter than an hour are supposed to make you feel energised the whole day. If I go at this rate, I think I need to worry for my upcoming new kind of life. So anyway, people keep complaining about the blazing weather these days. I wonder if they noticed the sun was a lot gentler this afternoon. I figured I mustn't let the day go to waste so I took a brisk walk out, intending to visit Videoezy to complete my X-Men DVD collection, but only to discover that it had closed down. Zzzzzz. I was kind of resigned. Okay, so I went to Popular instead. How untimely. On my way out I was drawn by the cover of a book. Two minutes. It only took me two minutes to have a quick read of a few pages and then the next surface it was lying on was the counter top. I should repent...

Great Friday with all the great people. Very fulfilling breakfast with senior MX, lunch and tea with M and YR, dinner with bff A Z and G. Life hasn't been better. I'm still learning to appreciate the little simple things in life and forgo the unhappy. 正因为你是我很爱的一个朋友，我不想施压。如果这样的你会快乐，那我最多永远不知道答案。也许我会继续折腾个一阵子，但我相信真相有一天也会变得不再重要。你快乐就好。

Maybe I haven't fallen into a deep sleep in a long, long time, so last night the storm didn't wake me up. It usually would. But I have always loved it nonetheless. I dreamt that I went to Perth again and bumped into Y who is currently on a vacation there. Harry's barks woke me up halfway and then the next dream lasted a while and was highly 'engaging'. I dreamt that I dreamt of (notice the deliberate repetition) myself acquiring telekinesis and I was levitating almost everything including my sister. I woke up from the dream (but was still in another dream) to realise that I really had telekinesis powers. Ohmygad I was so excited in the dream. So I guess it is needless for me to say what I first did when I finally really woke up to the waking world. And I eagerly shared this with sis who raised her eyebrows nonchalantly and responded, "I think you should stop watching X-Men." By the way, this is the second time I am dreaming of having telekinesis powers :p ...

Peanut butter bread and hot milo and detox tea are my breakfast these days. Mother says too many eggs are bad for health in the long run so I decided to cut down because I want to live longer for now. The weather this morning seemed promising and by promising I mean it looked like it would rain. In the end I think I only heard a few drops of water on the roof and then the scorching sun came out. It made me reluctant to get out of the house but eventually I did and on my way out I opened the mailbox. Wheeee. I simply love that element of surprise I get by opening the mailbox myself. Today was double surprise. I totally forgot about the X-Men notebook I got on Carousell yesterday and today it arrived! Love it! And there was Juin Yee's postcard from Mount Fuji. I think I need not say more about my joy of receiving a handwritten postcard, whether mailed or not. WW sent me a picture of nuggets from Taiwan. He's probably one of the few who would eat nuggets just to send me a picture ...

 "二姐, 你回到那个地方, 会不会触景伤情?" "不会吧。好像已经很久以前的事了。" 其实那个时候的记忆已经近乎荡然无存。就算还剩下什么, 也只有快乐的时光。还有很多胡闹的片段。年轻的我们最无聊。 我也知道问题总是接踵而至。人生的问题又怎么可能会停止呢? 我只想一边继续好好爱自己, 一边去克服这些问题。这就是我现在最想要的。

Today was one of those sinful days. I had intended to bring mum and sis out for some good food but I ended up eating the most. Honestly I had enjoyed the binge so much because I have been slightly wary of food intake these days. But anyway all these are nowhere near important. The biggest takeaway from today's outing was that I saw Sofia from ANTM! Ohmygad!!! I have been a great fan of hers since the fourth episode (the shoot with Jason awwwww) and I always told myself if I ever bumped into her I would run up and talk to her. SHUCKS. Just now I was simply too starstruck to do anything I was almost rooted to the ground. By the time I recovered from my state of shock she was already nowhere in sight. But yes, she was as pretty as I have imagined her to be in person!!!

There has not been anything so worth rejoicing nor grieving. Perhaps just... some things that hurt. Mother called this morning to tell me that she fell down on the pavement near UOB and no one helped her even though her knee was bleeding quite badly. She told me she was close to tears because her knee and palm hurt from the fall. Thank goodness a kind maid passed by and helped her. The maid had a little girl with her and the kid cried when she saw Mother hurting. When Mother was sharing this part of the story she was like choking on her tears. While I wished I had been with her at that moment to prevent the fall or at least be there to attend to her injuries, a part of me thought I would not want to be there to witness it. She has slipped and fallen a few times in recent years and it's pretty hurting to hear. On the other hand, something has been very wrong with Harry these days. It really worries me. Especially today. His fur is falling at an alarming rate and apparently he is dep...

The time when I was CRAZY over him :D

凌晨十二点五十四分。 我站在机场抵境处其中一道玻璃门外。 是你说你选择相信不说再见只为下一次的相遇。 于是我们每一次在这里的相遇都不是为说再见。 却也是你说无话可说不必再见。 但我不难过。 因为你说过的那些话就如粉笔字一般。 也许写上新的字以后, 旧的字仍然留下痕迹。 但我相信新的故事内容总会把那些旧的掩盖。 到时候的我, 每每来到这里, 想到的不会是你那堆离别和相遇的道理。 想到的是什么, 到时自然晓得。

I am slightly depressed today because... I have gained a kilo these two days and it is very disturbing. That's a thousand grams and I am determined to shed them off next week. Work is coming up and I can foresee that it is going to make me fat (because working life always fattens me up) so I have to shed more now. HP GJ and DM had me at their housewarming party today. Or technically speaking, I was the one who suggested the party. These days I have been so fascinated with my own cooking I desperately need to find guinea pigs to rate my culinary. Today's nasi lemak chilli was a slight disappointment all because I was too cowardly when it came to adding the sugar so it turned out to be really salty. Nevertheless, it was great fun to be exploring their new home. I always love exploring people's homes, so that I can start planning for my future condo, if it ever comes true. We were pretty much enjoying the cosiness until someone rang the doorbell and HP stood at the door for ne...

Yet another magical moment of mine because just as I was about to start on this entry, ufm1003 plays A-Mei's diao4 le. It's my must-sing at KTV. Then again any of her songs on air will be my magical moment anyway. And so I watched Days of Future Past. Again. In other words I have spent $23 on this movie, oh and approximately six hours and slightly more of my life. Is that sick? Honestly, it could only be this movie that sees me do something this abnormal. Not even AhWU's movies, I think. Sigh. I think I will start despising myself for my unfaithfulness. Especially when his 881 and CLIF posters are right before me now. So, I like it that I always observe something more and different each time I watch. I did catch a few loopholes but being a very biased X-Men fan, I would say those can be overlooked. And I still scream in my mind whenever Jean appears in the last few minutes. Every single time. Bryan Singer has such bright future. Finally I remember that line. "Just beca...

Two days ago when I was making my way out to scale that hill, I happened to open the mailbox and see the postcard from good friend Cyclops. Fresh from Germany. I absolutely love that feeling of receiving a handwritten letter or postcard from anyone anywhere. And sometimes I wonder if it's because of this that I enjoy writing people postcards. The book fair was held at the same place. But for once I appeared at the place as a customer. It was slightly weird a feeling. The professional instinct in me felt familiar yet distant at the same time. It felt necessary that I put the books lying around in place and unfolding the folded pages. I mean, I am talking about three consecutive years of experience here. Of course, I can never visualise myself doing it ever again. Things have since changed. So have we. I got lost again. The board that was supposed to give me directions cheated my feelings. But it struck me that I am less afraid of getting lost now. Because getting lost in Singapore i...

It was quite important a decision. Yes, I made it anyway. Heaven knows what impact it is going to have on my life. I ask for nothing but a peaceful mind and heart no matter what comes up. So anyway, the medical checkup today took a whole long two hours and it reminds me a lot of matriculation. The procedures were pretty time-consuming but certainly necessary. Good thing was that the health centre's staff were generally friendly, especially Dr. Lucy, who actually remembered me from the last time I consulted her when I had flu. Oh and, I secretly rejoiced at the fact that I have lost three kilos from the year I matriculated. Finally, I decided I should stop procrastinating so I went down to town to get my research done. One reason why I never liked going to town (especially alone) was that I could never get my directions right. Thus, essentially speaking, it was my first time roaming about in town on my own today. Yes, I did get lost, but managed to find my way around eventually. My ...

今天的肚子像个无底洞, 怎么吃都不饱。 又爬山去了。今天是跟M和花姐去的。好棒。喜欢那种去运动然后汗流夹背的感觉。 好久没吃麦当劳了。今天吃得特别多。我喜欢跟朋友如此放肆地吃些垃圾食物。那样让我感觉自己还是年轻的。 跟她们道别后, 虽然很疲惫, 还是选择走路回家。天气突然变得阴凉, 不走路回家的话会对不起老天。 回家路上花姐通过简讯跟我说了很多。 总是很感激朋友的支持。 我发现那条爬山的路, 走得越多次, 对过去的记忆越模糊。 原来, 接触它也是忘记它的一种方式。 近来我开始慢慢说起那些事, 听那些歌, 回到那些地方。 已经八个月了吧。之前做这些事会让我在抓狂的边缘喊人来救我。现在发现, 偶尔的搬出来其实是一种复习。那天小妹跟我说, 真正的解脱是在放下执念以后。 我想差不多了吧。 挺好的。我现在挺爱自己的。

我知道, 不管多少年以后, 我一定不会找到跟他一样的朋友。

Now I find X1 is my favourite (instead of X2) because it is the only installment in which everyone is safe at the end. And I was flabbergasted to discover that I have not bought X1!!! I am so going to complete my collection by the end of next week.

好久没有像这样。星期六晚上。躺在床上看书。听中文电台。 而且刚刚播完的是A-Mei的《人质》。最喜欢在空中听到她的歌。那种感觉和用mp3播放是不同的。在空中听到耳熟能详的歌总是给人一种奇妙的感觉。尤其如果这些歌总能唤起一些已经抛到脑子里某个秘密角落的记忆。 这几天, 天天捧着M买给我的书本。搭地铁或没事干的时候就翻翻一下。真的好喜欢。各个小故事都很真实, 也让人感动。几次在地铁里都几乎落下感动的泪水 (没有夸张)。 最有趣的是, 过去一个小时读的故事, 怎么都那么写实, 那么贴近我的人生? 想起电影《心动》里好像有那么一句话: "人人的故事都差不多一样, 但又都不一样。" 这个星期依旧是七天, 但好像发生了特别多事情。我对许多事作出了选择。也许不一定都是经过深思熟虑, 但至少在作出决定后我并没有感觉到任何负面的情绪。 好累。早上爬山去了。 同样的路, 只是同伴都不一样了。不过还是一样快乐。是不同的快乐。 我现在只想在我的人生中寻求快乐和稳定。 也许一直以来都是如此。只是不够努力。

I always feel sorry for her. And I always wonder, how can anyone on this earth be this horrible? Fact it, it is possible. Anything is possible. People can be very ugly, as ugly as you want them to be. I have never got used to these, despite it has been a decade. But I will consume all that anger. I will show you, you do not get a good ending if you do not work hard.

Truly appreciate the opinions of many. It is a turning point in my life I think. With that in mind, I constantly feel that I am about to bid goodbye to the other kind of life that has lasted a year or so. And many others attached to that one year. I brought some rice dumplings for LL who warmly welcomed me for dinner together with his princess. She and I had so much fun drawing after dinner. LL said he was truly happy for me. I could totally feel that. So I am happy to know he was sincerely sharing my joy. This world really needs a lot more people who know how to be happy for others. Including myself. I haven't walked home on that path after sunset since forever. Because I have always been scared. Today I did. I wouldn't say I am now fearless. But there is quite a bit of energy these days. I like the idea that it's a bolt that gives me strength. Jiayou GL!

It has been a really long while, hasn't it? In all honesty, I had seen this coming (or maybe subconsciously I had been secretly hoping). But perhaps it has been some time, I kind of forgot about it, that when it came, I was taken aback. I was taken aback, but there was no joy to speak of. None. They say, when you give your all in something and do not get reciprocal results, you will no longer be bothered when the results come after you give up. To me, Wednesdays are days of hope. Today? It was slightly hopeful in the day. I was thinking about the good thoughts. During shower, it suddenly dawned upon me that the issue had unknowingly, already felt so distant. No doubt snippets of it still play in my head every single day, it is merely a matter of duration. I am pretty sure, though, that it gets shorter each day. Unless of course, I walk on an endless path with my headset plugged and listen to all the golden oldies on my player. I used to wonder, if those people I have stopped keepin...

Insomnia hasn't bugged me for ages, and never this unreasonably. I crashed to bed with a throbbing head and exhausted mind thinking that I was about to enjoy an undisturbed sleep till my alarm went off. Unfortunately the tossing persisted till nearly 6am, and while dreaming of a fridge full of cakes and ice cream, the alarm buzzed. Okay can, I dragged myself out of bed still to get myself ready for the interview. After a very mind-boggling one and a half hours, here I am, comfortably seated at the same place with my venti. I hardly had venti and without syrup but I figured it would be necessary today. I cannot help but reiterate, I am not unhappy. Perhaps I have just returned to the same spot. One where I need a lot of advice from people, where I need to be told what to do, as much as I probably already know what is best for me. Okay, let today be the last day of rest for me. Need to stop slacking.