past.

At the rate I'm going, I'm probably going to die. Mic might be right after all, it's not insomnia I'm suffering from, it's sleeping disorder. I set a new record of 7 a.m. today, and woke up at 11.30 a.m. It's terrible. It was supposed to be a relatively happier day today because I met KH and WL for MOF and coincidentally bumped into Mic and YR. I was elated to bump into them. I can't really explain why, I just was. Then it was Auntie Rainbow's convocation, where I found out Eric has been avidly keeping himself updated at this space and that made me very touched. Because he's the renowned busy man among us (THANK YOU SUNSHINE BOY). Dinner was with Coconut and Starfruit whom I have not met in two years. Have always been guilty about not prioritizing these two friends but they are ever so funny. Back to "supposed to be a relatively happier day", the reason for negating it is that my severe lack of sleep affects me, a lot. I can't think pro...

A year ago on a day like this, I heard something that filled my head with hatred. A year later, we met again, not knowing what more to say. Sometimes I still naively think that you look at me with eyes that leave traces of hesitancy. The fact that I use the word "naively" perhaps tells I am more rational than not. Five minutes after biding goodbye, you came back saying you had something to show me, a picture you knew only both of us would understand. And then I began to wonder. Why? Why? WHY? Why would you do this? I didn't feel exceptionally happy, but nor was I upset. In fact, I could never feel calmer in front of you. Puzzled. I was just very puzzled. Maybe all along I just wanted a clearer stand. But this was what I could never achieve every time you popped up again after a long time. I choose to write those in the past tense, because I want to change this. I want to put my foot down now. I want to be the first to bid goodbye, no matter how much I miss the small talks...

Eric is always one of those friends who will never abandon me. I will never forget how he cleared his schedule to go to the hospital with me and took leave from work to attend my commencement.

I know I am a blessed person, I just need to keep telling myself that I am. Sometimes it gets difficult when setbacks make me forget who I am or who my loved ones are. I am working on this. But one thing I am sure, I am getting worse at acting and I like that about myself.

It's become a habitual thing to meet my Muslim clique twice a year since Rahil left for Perth a few years back. Sometimes we really go all silent but somehow I just never get sick of their company.I believe that is because we don't meet so often so we cherish the time we spend together every time we meet. In all honesty, like any other time I was dragging my feet there just now as I have been so lazy these days I hardly want to meet anyone. But each time without fail I'm proven that my efforts to meet are not in vain. They asked about my life and naturally I harpedon how demoralised I had been lately. They secretly got me a graduation bear which they claimed is charmed to bless me with a good job soon. This was the very auntie moment whereby I complained that they spent unnecessarily but deep down I was very touched they so wanted to spur me on. Our time together ended with Salih's wise words, "Next year marks the year we have known one another half our lives....

雨天总像镇定剂, 让我平静。 很庆幸, 这个星期六是在平静中度过的。 过得很简单。希望总是能这样。

It's painful. When the people you wish would stand on your side are not. Agree to disagree? I have learnt. In fact I keep learning and am getting better at understanding what this means. It makes no sense to think that the whole world is going to agree with you in everything. But a part of me has always hoped that there will be less oppositions. Who doesn't think like this? I have no right to be unhappy about anything because I was the one in a dilemma and I chose to ask, and certainly ought to be open to all suggestions, including those that don't sound so pleasant, sometimes even pejorative. Maybe I do come across as someone who is money-minded. I don't deny that I want to earn big bucks. I still dream about getting my condominium by the age of 32. But I don't define success by the amount of money I earn. It's the bonds I forge with people. The changes I can create. The miracles I witness in life. Because I still believe in them.    I decided I will just ...

Today during my chat with Fel, she said, "I know. I can relate to you." This is not something we can rejoice over but it is a nice feeling to know that someone knows. Because there are always people out there, telling you what you should and shouldn't, what is right and wrong, but they are not the ones going through this. I used to think no one ever understood what I have been going through and I came to a point where I stopped seeking anyone's understanding. As much as I need at least one person to understand this. NEED. Not want.   "I can relate to you."   Thanks, Fel :) I can never be as strong as you but you are definitely a good role model. Stay that way!

It was a beautiful evening, no blazing sun, only clouds and refreshing air. I walked home in those painful heels, my reason for wearing them since this morning being having to attend a job interview. The pain was not so much of an issue during my journey home because my whole head was filled with images of... mutants? And of course, of Hugh Jackman from the movie I watched earlier after Zhi's convocation. I think I have had too high expectations for this film, because it certainly fell short. I went high when Famke Janssen appeared, and then not knowing whether to consider her appearance a cameo one because she appeared a few times thereafter. I like seeing her on the big screen. I have loved the character Jean so much and in particular when she uses her telekinesis. But it was great pity because she is supposed to be Logan's illusion and thus, there is no necessity for her to use her powers. And then it was the pretty bad cinematography which I frankly wasn't ready for. I ...

越来越迟，越来越迟睡了。 说真的，好想摆脱这样的生活。

虽然很无聊，不过是心意。所以，谢啦~

作詞：姚若龍 作曲：李榮浩 你皮衣忘了帶走 那是我們旅行的時候 淋著大雪 手暖手去買的 什麼都總會舊的 多麼苦澀無奈的心得 卻沒選擇 體諒地相信你只是愛累了 絕不是有別的人替代我了 連自己都想問我為什麼 只抱抱你就放手像好好的 其實心 瓦解斑駁 寂寞不痛 痛在念舊 越小的事越多的感受 時間像笨小偷把幸福打破 留下了碎片讓人難過 寂寞不痛 痛在做夢 幻想當你自由膩了以後 會來激動吻我用愛悔過 做醒不來的夢 什麼都總會舊的 多麼苦澀無奈的心得 卻沒選擇 體諒地相信你只是愛累了 絕不是有別的人替代我了 連自己都想問我為什麼 只抱抱你就放手像好好的 其實心 瓦解斑駁 寂寞不痛 痛在念舊 越小的事越多的感受 時間像笨小偷把幸福打破 留下了碎片讓人難過 寂寞不痛 痛在做夢 幻想當你自由膩了以後 會來激動吻我用愛悔過 做醒不來的夢 *受不了，姚先生就是这么能产生共鸣。

记得每当功课忙得令人很窒息时，看见林立老师的电邮总是觉得很鼓舞，很感动。 今天也是一样。

真的很辛苦。好想放声大哭。但又害怕周围的寂静会使自己的哭声格外响亮。 于是, 还是强忍泪水。

:'(

Sometimes I feel like a fool comforting people when the one who needs some serious help is me. I hate smiling when there's a flame burning inside me. Giving up was never an option but I wish someone would tell me what the other way out is.

Jay definitely beats Jay. The former being Chou and the latter, Sun. I haven't really heard or seen raving reviews of the movie before catching it, if any, they were mostly negative ones. Hence I went for the movie with a slightly prejudiced impression. I am glad, though, that I went anyway. Sometimes I like to know that my prejudices are uncalled for, especially when it comes to films. The "not-so-good" are mainly: The female lead whose voice is so high-pitched you wonder why Jay picked her. There are some scenes, far too predictable you wished Jay had come up with a better plot, i.e. the rape scene, the final scene where the two cars speed towards each other and collide. Oh, why are we watching the ending of Initial-D all over again? If you try to figure out the period the characters are in, I think it is a little difficult. There isn't a big clue unless you consider the costumes of the people. 70s maybe? The sets are really beautiful but streets are way too clean a...

Today mum randomly told me not to be stubborn when it comes to matters of the heart that I should accept anyone who loves me who I am. I was upset that she thinks I haven't found one because I am stubborn. I had wanted to tell her that I found one that hurt me so deeply that I don't know how to love again.

I felt ridiculously at peace this Saturday, despite the repetitive bombardments, after watching X-Men Origins on 5. Seriously, which girl gets sick of Jackman? At least I can never. I have got almost all my merchandise ready for the movie which will be released next week. 今天在微薄上看到这么一句话：你对事不在乎，它就伤害不到你；你对人不在乎，他就不会令你生气。在乎了，你就已经输了。什么都不在乎的人，才是无敌的。 我们都是血肉之躯，怎么可能什么都不在乎呢？有时候只怕嘴上说不在乎，心里却痛苦得要死。 就像她每个星期六都会说：“我以后再也不管了！” 但她还是每个星期六发飚。 我是多么害怕和不期待星期六的到来。 但她不过就是出于在乎。 我又能说什么？做什么？ 原来最令人痛苦的不是因为在乎，而是不能光明正大地在乎。 因为如果投入的关心得不到回应，那是很伤人，很摧毁自信心的事。

I see that my working friends really look forward to Fridays. It reminds me of my conversation with Geng Jie when I bumped into him a few days back. He said that he really enjoys life after work because he can do whatever he likes. I guess it has to be so because when we were students, we had to juggle with school work, exams and other commitments after school. As working adults, there are those who need to bring work home but I am sure, not having to study for upcoming tests or exams makes things simpler. This could be why people working are often anticipating the arrival of Fridays? Nevertheless, I will definitely choose to be a student over a working adult, in any case. Yes but, so what? Time to face reality. I went to Jurong Point in the day to visit Banquet food court for my research but it closed down and so, I made a wasted trip. And so I went home for a nap before meeting my JC friends at night. Everyone was pretty much the same. Knowing that they are mostly still looking f...

I never thought they would release a new album. Thus, I am really happy to see this! What a good start to the weekend :)

很喜欢下雨, 但偏偏又和雨相克。好像没有一次淋雨不会生病。 今天还自以为潇洒地在雨中走到巴士站。现在头疼得简直要裂开了。 不过我还是要说, 真的很为阿武昨天的演出感到自豪 :)))

谁看到这样的阿武不会心痛？ 我很喜欢Jason看到养的鱼死后哭了，然后彤林跟着也流泪的那一幕。 有时候，失去可能是一个人的事，痛苦的却可能是两个人。 Sorrows doubled.

Some friends, you know them well enough to believe that they are joking with you when they make fun of you. On the other hand, some... You just don't know if you can even call them friends. There are always those who are out to bring you down, when you are already low or down on your luck. This is when ignorance is bliss.   I guess now I do believe what it means to really see who your true friends are when you are down in the dumps.

Nothing can be more demoralising than this. MOE rejects me?

从以前到现在，我最讨厌看到的就是阿武在戏里痛苦得要命。

The day was more bad than good. At least I couldn't think of anything worth rejoicing. The surge to break down was pretty strong (and I think was further triggered by the loss of my student card which I was happy to keep as memento) but as always, I had managed to keep it at bay. Some would say that is because I always focus on the negative not the positive. But isn't that natural of humans? You don't really notice the other parts of a white paper with a big black blot on it, do you? I won't say I am a white paper with a splotch. I am... Just a piece of white paper. I thought at the end of university that paper would be at least half a beautifully painted picture. But now, I am absolutely apprehensive. My failure at interviews or even just being shortlisted made me extremely doubtful of myself. I can't write nor speak well. I can't act. I can't do sciences. I have zero knowledge of Econs, even the basics. So... What am I good at?   ...

I need a dose of X-Men 2 now.

不懂還可以說什麽。 下午的茶會上，知道旺旺致詞里的很多話是說給我聼的。開始的第一句就已經是。 後來是迎曦。她說聼我酸人就知道我是不是個真誠的朋友。 茶會結束后，何老師走過來跟我說：“你很紅。” 我聼了第一個感覺是，很感動。 很感動的是我明明就是一個牙尖嘴利，有時甚至口無遮攔的人。我自問有時候講話真的很不經大腦。但是周圍的朋友都還是那麽愛我。 能夠在一些人的心里留下一些些腳印，我真的很感動。這也是讓我能夠得到一點點信心的事情。 畢業典禮前，大家一直找我拍照。 Michelle的媽媽一直忙著幫我整理畢業袍。超感動超motherly的。 Mic please help me thank Auntie ah!!! :D 畢業典禮上，老媽期待已久的日子到了。我參加，純粹是爲了她。 小學到中學到高中，我不斷的在領獎。不管是大獎還是安慰獎，她都從來沒看過我上臺領獎。反而到了大學，我一份獎都沒拿過。這一直是我的遺憾。但對她來説，她只是希望看到我上臺領畢業證書。所以我這次最後決定參加典禮，是爲了她。 準備上臺時，遠遠就看到chew chew在二樓幫我拍照。 當叫到我的名字時，聽到一陣歡呼聲。我猜想當中一定有佩賢和詩玲的聲音。那一刻其實蠻感動的。好像感受到阿武紅星大獎上臺時就是這種被支持者愛的感覺。（一定以爲我神經病吧，那種時候還可以想到阿武。） 一整天頭都很痛。很難打起精神。 不過踏出禮堂，還是很開心看到愛我的人。 第一群當然是Ohana。 幾年走來，當中的友誼有的變質了，有的還在維繫著。但不管怎樣，似乎在看到他們之前，我已經知道他們個個都一定會到。我想這是我不會猜錯的事。很感謝。 然後是我其實非常期待看到的Pei Ting和Eric。 這兩個朋友，工作的地方非常遠，也很遲下班。儘管我在怎麽千叮万囑叫他們不要來。他們就是堅持要過來。而且看到我的第一件事就是馬上抱我。很感動。雖然我們最頻繁的相處停留在JC的first three months，但是這兩個人從來沒有遺棄我。好開心有這樣好的朋友。 然後是從一開始就很期待看到我的chew chew。 I think I will really miss seeing you around in NUS. It's been great being in the same school as you again. I am reall...

外面下着雨。 客厅很暗。 我坐在沙发上观看MTV台。 有点不想出门。 似乎大家期待这一天很久了。 我一直希望它仍然是个期待就好。 一旦来了, 接下来就少了一个可以期待的事情。 那样很空虚。 外面下着雨。 但今天的雨并不让我特别愉快。 我们总是往终点跑去, 却没想过抵达终点后要怎么办。 似乎跑的过程比较有意义? 我就是想呆在过程里。 但是。。。

誰說阿武只有一種表情？！ 今天阿武讓我好開心好開心！！！

我决定了! 我明天要乐观一点点! 为了自己, 也为了迎接明天即将帅帅登场的阿武!  :))))

Age is catching up. Been getting headaches and feeling nauseous after consuming the new flu medicine which apparently proved ineffective a couple of days back. The sleepless nights and bad gastric are killing me these days.   Felt slightly under the weather today and I thought I needed a swim. Unfortunately the deluge never stopped. I still love rainy days nonetheless. So I took a walk outside. It was pretty aimless. I didn't feel like going home today. And I didn't till 10 p.m.   I decided I must pull myself together and do something more constructive tomorrow.

我想我已经很习惯了每当稍忧郁就到麦当劳坐, 看着进进出出的人, 想想自己的人生。

1. My hand miraculously survived the burns. The skin is threatening to tear but I ought to be glad that it is only this bad after being scalded by a liquid with temperature as high as more than a hundred degrees Celsius. Phew.   2. My student was full of enthusiasm while doing his Chinese essay today. If only he could be like this every session.   3. I felt a tinge of guilt just now when I realised that I have only been on a plane with my mum once in my life. And hers.   4. I watched today's episode of ZZSF and I liked the scene of Kangli (role played by Chen Liping) crying in a cubicle of the ladies' after discovering her husband's extramarital affair. There was a similar scene earlier, with Weiyun (role played by Zoe Tay) crying in the cubicle after she knows the man she loves has been lying to her. The parallels in the roles and their situations are presented with the same crying scene in the cubicle, and I like it. Women do not necessaril...

I felt really heartbroken when I saw it. And pretty lost too. Sometimes I don't like it that my point is proven.

Stayover, slack, talk, Despicable Me 2. We don't usually do anything constructive but I love it just like that.  We walked from CCK to BP just now. I had missed long night walks.  It's just not very nice that I'm using up like the whole tissue box soon. My nose hasn't been a running tap in a long time. Zzzzzz. Nevertheless, it was a relatively quiet Saturday. For the first time in months.

好久好久没生病了。 Feel so vulnerable.

早上的阴天令我感到很忧郁, 甚至有点想哭。阴天总是这样, 让我这般不知所措。当中总是隐藏些什么, 我永远猜不透。 我喜欢雨天。尽管偶尔不留情面地泼我冷水, 至少够干脆。 晚餐在附近的咖啡店解决。虽然有一阵没跟旺旺吃饭了, 不过最后一次一起吃饭仿佛是昨天的事。跟这个朋友吃饭总是没什么特别。这句话不带贬意。我喜欢跟他吃饭成了习惯这件事。每次晚餐时间, 有空就约出来吃, 没空就改天。 吃完就去附近的杂货店买了冰淇淋, 然后站在组屋楼下吃。就差没蹲在一个角落, 不然就像极了两个游手好闲的无业游民。 严格来说, 他不是, 我是。 想想, 这种自由还有多久? 今天突然想到, 好久都没有人称赞我了。 我们都渴望获得赞许吧?

By Brianna Wiest Eventually, we all reach the crossroad of moving on or trying harder. While it’s difficult to go either way, the decision is what is more perplexing. Sometimes you can’t just let things be, and other times things really do just have to work themselves out. But how do we know the difference?   Well, we often don’t, and that’s the most important part. The process of figuring out what we can’t change and when it’s time to move on is the actual process of doing so. Because while you can’t change things when they are largely the decisions of others, your actions can change the mind’s of those people. How do you know when the universe will work it out and how do you know when it’s time for you to start ironing out the kinks? You don’t until you’ve tried.   It’s time to move on when you have tried to change things, but to no avail. It’s time to let the  higher being or whatever it is you do or don’t believe in figure things out– and have fait...

I don't know if this is the 10th or 11th film I've watched by Johnnie To, I've lost count. Whatever, he never fails to deliver! He always has this tinge of exaggeration and an element of matrix in his movies but they are exactly what make me feel that the movies are uniquely Hong Kong. Blind Detective is not an exception. It may be as long as a hundred and thirty minutes but it is hard to feel bored throughout the movie because every little detail is worth pondering over! He ends the movie on an interesting note, even though the whole movie in general consists of many bloody scenes which really made me feel like vomiting just now. I like the plot! It is new and the way it is presented is very intriguing! I must say, though, that I think most of the credits go to Andy because he really acted very naturally. I may not rate it 4.5 like the movie reviewers did but I am glad to say it met my expectations and my two-year wait for the Andy-Sammi combi was not at a...

It struck me yesterday that it is already July. June has been both a good and bad month, but more bad than good, from what I recall. The good being stepping into AhWU's house and shaking his hand, as well as meeting great people like Michelle Joey Wei Xin Ser Hui Chris Nelson Shi Ling Jiayi, those I haven't seen in a long time. Genting trip was also nice with nice company. The bad, comprises everything else. Stress, stress and stress. And, being rejected by CUHK. I wonder if I will have the courage to apply again.   The start of July was slightly better than normal. A movie with Angie, ZR and Zhi, and then spending hours in MacDonald's guessing 成语 and sharing one meal.   Then, the stupid encounter at Woodlands.   I had been ignoring judging eyes and some hostile comments whenever YX and I did our photo-taking of stalls in food centres for our research. Today's encounter was really preposterous. Being unfamiliar with Woodlands, we asked the bus driver o...

Badges of Fury was very entertaining. Some scenes may seem very futuristic but I thought they were acceptable, unlike Man of Steel. I like how the director (I don't remember the name) pays attention to details and puns. The plot is not like awesome but I think the adequate puns and jokes throughout make up for it. Maybe I had needed a dose of laughter so much these days that I found this movie really hilarious.   And I miss rushing home to watch AhWU on Channel 8. I think I can never stop liking him now, even though I have tried many times. He just attracts me so much. I never really liked Jeanette Aw but I have to say their onscreen chemistry this time is pretty amazing. I always think, one day if even seeing AhWU doesn't make me smile, then I might have really lost all reasons to smile. Therefore I'm glad he is still the reason.