past.

I think it's really sad how you lose the respect for someone you used to look up to. I always thought I should remember whoever has helped me before and I must return the favour or at least show my gratitude. But sometimes, some people just make use of this mindset that I have. How do they do it? I really wonder. Yet, I haven't really learnt to reject such people when I actually know their intentions. How sad.

P.S: Wan Ting, that's how it looks like inside! Celebrated bestfriend Rui's birthday today :) I think Hot Tomato Express is quite nice! Not as bad as mentioned in the food reviews I saw. Most of all the service is good and the people there are most friendly. Zhuang finally brought the legendary Sixuan to meet us. Nice girl :) It's just too difficult to emo these days. Life is good (Y), 我真的只想让活着的每一天都快乐:) If we don't surrender then we're both gonna lose.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEE TENG :) Thank you Wan Ting for the very gigantic Doraemon lollipop! The little little faces make me :) Dinner with Jia Ying. I think she really has very matured thinking and I really appreciate her frankness. I think I dare not even admit my inferiority so readily in front of anyone. I think I don't have to ask you to trust me anymore. Because in time to come you will be convinced. I am honest and as long as you have faith in me, everything is going to be fine. 我没有说谎，我何必说谎。

别再为他流泪歌词 你走了太久一定很累 他错了不该你来面对 离开他就好 就算了 心情很干脆 他其实没有那么绝对 远一点你就看出真伪 离开他不等于你的世界会崩溃 转个弯你还能飞 就别再为他流泪 别再让他操控你的伤悲 就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔 也不要太狼狈 他不值得你的泪 把那遗憾留在大雨的街 你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追 以后为自己醉 每段感情都非常珍贵 他的好你就放在心扉 记得有个人曾让你那样的心醉 你笑了照亮夜幕的黑 什么梦都不比你的美 多少年以后想起他还有些体会 那些你已无所谓 就别再为他流泪 别再让他操控你的伤悲 就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔 也不要太狼狈 他不值得你的泪 把那遗憾留在大雨的街 你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追 以后为自己醉 就别再为他流泪 别再让他操控你的伤悲 就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔 也不要太狼狈 他不值得你的泪 把那遗憾留在大雨的街 你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追 以后管他是谁

The above picture is taken by Angie. She took my movie tickets of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and tore them up + cut them into even smaller strips with her pair of pink scissors. Apparently she decided she was very proud of her actions and so she snapped a picture. (Now you know how destructive Angie is.) Things are much better than I thought, really :) After one big round, I'm back at the same finishing line. And to realise a finishing line merely means another beginning line :)

我终于知道曲终人散的寂寞。

Why do this to me when I have already chosen to back off. Who do I blame? Why does it seem like I am the one bearing a grudge. Why does it seem like I am the one in the wrong now. This could have been less complicated. Much less.

Women are hypothetical creatures. This has to do with their curiosity nature maybe. Yes, such curiosity is getting the better of me. In no time, it will perhaps devour me or the millions of enquiries in my mind will just drown me. Allow me to hibernate for the next couple of days. P.S: I'm suddenly reminded of Brenda's words, "Only people who matter can hurt you."

1. Max made a comeback. We had lunch at Mayim (which we changed to mai yin wei lok). The food was seriously nothing compared to Crystal Jade but definitely still edible. Watched Big Bang Theory at Max's place. It was hilarious really! The best show for blondes. (But I think I did not regret stepping out of my house today even though I did not do any work in the end. At least I met Max finally!) 2. Watched AhWU on teevee once again :) His acting improved once again! 3. Burning throat, I really need some sleep now before I fall sick for the second time this year. I guess it's pointless to clarify things with people you don't trust anymore because you will still doubt anyway. But you're the one who made me lose faith in you.

I've been trying. Just that it never fails to haunt me. Can't stop thinking. Because I keep thinking it's a lie, it's betrayal. Even though I am in no position to harbour such thoughts.

Some people, you try to break them before you build them. Some people, you are only remembered by them when they need your help. Some people, you spend time trying to change them only to realise you were never someone who could impact their lives. Some people, they hurt you so much but you know, they are just not worth it. So, don't bother. ASPIRE 2010 was a screwed yet another learning experience for me this time. I'd really like to thank my fellow peers for going through shit with me. And thank goodness that I believe in miracles. You never know what happens until the last minute, really. I never felt so shagged, and devastated about people.

Sometimes I'm so busy I feel like crying. I no longer sense people's sincerity in asking me for help. They seem to be taking me for granted. And to help them, I have to trouble other people. I really need to be stronger than this. Edits: Received a birthday card from Ying Peng today. Thank you girl! I really appreciate you know :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARREN! :) Had dinner with my good friend Cyclops :) Thank you for the presents! Welcome new member to my dangdang family. It's weird how people like to 'order' me to do things for them like I'm absolutely obliged to do them. Today I received two such 'orders'. A: Can I trouble you to bring the students out for ________ (I can't remember what) this Saturday 9 to 12pm. Thanks for your kind help. B: Do you know diploma holder with CPF account? Help me find and let me know soon. Urgent hor. Sorry but yes, I really rolled my eyes after these two incidents today. I keep asking myself this today: WHAT AM I? I really begin to wonder what I am to certain people. I'm not sure if I'm most determined this time. Yet I think I'm most rational this time. I'm really thankful and glad that I sorted things out, the way it should be handled. Allow me to pat myself on my head and say, "You have done it right this time."

我一直以为我所谓的幸福是被一个好友毁灭。 原来是我以小人之心度君子之腹。 Sorry friend! It's going to be a very busy week. I'm going to stand firm and strong.

人总爱比较。尤其是女人。 这场游戏，我真的玩累了。 I don't want to be the last one waiting again. Because I'm never rewarded. What am I even waiting for?

Back from trekking once again. This time we finally completed the full route. 3 hours and 35 minutes. Nice. Well yes, people have backed out again. But I'm not that angry this time because I have learnt. I don't want to age faster by being angry at people who are not worth it :) Received a birthday card from Desireen this morning. I saw the envelope and I knew it was her. Thanks! Really appreciate :) Sheng Kai texted. I'm sure he genuinely didn't forget my birthday, so I accepted his belated greeting. Frankly speaking, I really don't like belated greetings. Thank goodness I'm home in time. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOOD FRIEND NELSON! Once again, you are as old as me now :D The busy week is here. I can feel the tsunami coming.

Sometimes I really hate myself.

Dinner at Crystal Jade with Bren, Hui Ying, Lixuan and Ben. Thank you for the wallet, girls :) Really appreciate. It was good time spent and the food was nice too. Brenda Tan you better not MIA after today. Otherwise I will really get FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE to meet you in heaven! I feel damn jialat. I went to so many McDonald's outlets but still couldn't find the snake toy. Does anyone know which outlet still sell?! Yesterday I met Huimin at Lot1. She forgot it was my birthday. Rui asked her, "Don't you have anything to tell her?" (points at me) Huimin replied, "Yes I do! HELLO!" (smiles at me) For a moment I thought she remembered already. So I felt kind of upset and I said, "Hey sorry we are in a rush, see you." Today she texted me and said sorry. I think she felt worse. I feel nothing now but I just wonder why a friendship that was so tight turns out like this. Hmmm. Because time creates changes? Yes, time and truth often work alo...

"birthdays are a strange thing you’re pleasantly surprised by people whom you do not expect to hear from or who do not have to remember it’s your birthday but do so unfailingly while those whom you expect or hope to hear from you do not hear from Birthdays become less and less of an affair each year as you grow older. And that’s because you have slowly come to learn more and more about life. Birthdays become more like pitstops, markings which highlight each different juncture of your life at constant intervals and which tell you to stop for a while to have a rethink. Birthdays become more like yardsticks; yardsticks to measure love, value, maturity, intelligence, wisdom, success, achievements, accomplishments, dreams, and importance of the people around you." -Elvin Ng Thank you... Mother, for bringing me into this world. You are the best mum. Even though I always make you angry, I love you very much. Ying Peng, for your email. YY Max Ying Hao Esther Soh Sa...

Cos' I'm scared you can't find me. Cos' I'm sick of waiting.

The only constant thing is change. Apologies for my emo-ness last night, people. Please don't think I plunged into depression after seeing my text messages. I was merely struck by something (what I blogged about last night). Things are different today as compared to yesterday, so I suddenly felt the strong urge to meet the people whom I think are the same. So random, so impromptu. I met Ohanies (YY YC Zhi Fel Max) for lunch today. We were so aimless but I like us to be that way! I never went to see a doctor without my mum (Yes I know that's so unlike me right). But today! Ohanies went with me to the doctor. This is a breakthrough and a message that says: Ohana is like my family. Thank you, I really appreciate the company :) We rotted at level 3 while deciding what to plan for the weekends and then someone suddenly smacked me from the back. Esther Ng! Haven't seen this woman in the longest time ever. Okay, enough of fun for the past 1 (or nearly 2) month. Sch...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIRLEY :) Mum came back from HK last night. And as I have expected, she didn't quite enjoy the trip. In fact, this is probably the worst and most upsetting trip for her. Would you say sorry if you haven't done anything wrong? Sometimes, I think I would, if an apology can solve the problem. If you don't say sorry, why so? Because that's your principle? Do principles really matter so much? When problems arise, 'sorry' doesn't always settle everything. Saying sorry, to one may sometimes seem as a compensation or a stiff apology. It is not always accepted. So I will say sorry while I still can, if it's the solution to a problem. When you think it's time you ought to say, it's probably too late. It may snowball into a more severe problem or turn into a remorse that haunts you forever. Sorry for the digression. Anyway, mum got me 2 books that I wanted from HK! :) Went for the bbq that Darren and I planned for a mini mee...

My nose is a running tap now. I went back on my words to meet Liling Edwina and Nectarine for tea. I have recce later and I really don't want to go. But I'm left with no choice. Because I don't trust anyone other than myself. I think I really don't understand myself. Why am I doing all these when the water inside me is already overflowing. I always thought it's good to be filled to the brim. But nope, I think I need some space for myself. I hate to fall sick, especially when my mum is not around. I just hope I don't faint later. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIJAY and SHANGPENG :)

Turned in at 2a.m and woke up at 6 this morning to prepare breakfast for my sis. Must be the lack of sleep. I'm down with throat infection once again and this is one of the worst. Before I left house, I prepared dinner for my sis. Simple as it sounds, fried rice isn't a very easy dish to prepare. Seriously, don't tell me it's easy if you haven't tried preparing it. To come up with a healthy and tasty plate of fried rice really takes some skills. I realised today that I can't really cook! Goodness gracious. To think my mum is a cook... So I left house to meet Coconut (who didn't answer her phone again..) at her doorstep to return her racquet and "The Five People You Meet In Heaven". That book is super difficult to understand really. Anyway, Coconut got me a T-shirt and Doraemon towel from Thailand. THANKYOU! :D Took a long yet therapeutic bus ride to meet the 3 blondes at JP. Did some shopping (more like window-shoppping) and had dinne...

I had a good dream this morning. But the goodness lasted only a short span. I have 1001 thoughts going through my mind right now I think I don't have the time to settle them all. I chose and dropped and chose and dropped various modules many times today and I still can't decide what module to take. I am freaking pissed with NUS bidding system. Okay I know it probably has nothing to do with the school. I just think such system sucks and it's a waste of time and they murdered a few millions of my brain cells within an hour. Met Jascelyn to return to CTSS to visit Serene and Qianyi but Serene wasn't in school and Qianyi was too busy. We met Mrs Tey and Ms Tan and a couple of other teachers instead. Had Aspire'10 meeting with Mrs Wong till 5.30p.m. Ms Koh asked me if I was enjoying helping out with all these. Okay she didn't really ask. She phrased it this way, "You're enjoying it, right?". My reply was, "Not if I'm doing it agai...

Had tuition in the afternoon before meeting Joel and Warrick for dinner to celebrate Warrick's birthday (or maybe to bid farewell). He's still the funny man who likes to act shy. By the way I seriously think Warrick looks like TVB actor 马国明. Even my sister agrees. I think humans are seldom contented. Not sure if this is a generalisation. Take me for instance. I used to want a camera very much. I was damn elated when my uncle gave me his traditional film camera. Then I wanted a digital camera. So my mum got me one when I was 16. It worked on AA batteries. Last year I got myself a Canon IXUS with my own money. Then I wanted a DSLR but my brother had one already so I supposed my mum wouldn't allow me to get another one. And then I saw one film camera (very much like a fishlens cam) yesterday which cost merely $28 and I can't stop thinking about it till now. Is it because we are constantly dissatisfied or we just like to go for the better ones? Or are we consta...

I reached Vivo at 1.30pm and looked around at Page One while waiting for time to pass. There are so many 亦舒's books in Page One! I also saw a 张小娴's book which I have yet to get my hands on. BookFest is over, so I shall wait for the next one... Met Melissa (my ex-student) to go to Coasta Sands Resort at Sentosa (because my 4A1 kids needed someone at the age of 18 or above to check in for them). The place where the chalet is situated at is super ulu please. We took so long to find it and I sustained a few mosquito bites along the way. Argh. On a happier note, Trapizza was playing Blue's Curtain Falls! :D We arrived at the chalet only to realise I wasn't even needed there -.- The person did not ask for my IC at all! Rushed off to meet Zhi (must be the first time I'm this late!) whom I was supposed to go trekking with but since it was drizzling, we decided to catch a film instead. But we missed the most suitable slot... (So sorry Zhi I think I kinda wasted...

I hugged my mum goodbye at 4am and off she flew to HK with my brother and sister, leaving me the heavy responsibility of looking after my other 2 sisters and the house. She left me a list of tasks (verbally) and reminded me repeatedly not to forget to do them. I don't like (I didn't say 'hate') having to remember so many things and making myself feel so pressurized, having to worry what will happen if I forget to fulfil one of the tasks. To make things worse, I have to buy my sisters and maid dinner these 5 days. In other words, I can't stay out late... School and work started for many people today. XiaoWei and Chris start work today. YC starts training today. My sis starts sec4 life today. Not for me! But yes I know, good times don't last...

Yup! If you have been guessing, this is the present I want to get for myself this year :D Max, YC and Angie have got me the Rabbit, Dragon and Tiger respectively today. Thanks! I am really contented! I guess for the next 2 weeks I will keep patronising McDonald's. Oh man. I think the last time Macs has Doraemon toys was somewhere in 2008! And I didn't collect the full set :( I really think every single one of them is seriously damn cute. P.S: Thank you Starfruit for telling me about it:)

I know what I want this year. May I make a bold request please?

It's been a year or more. And I'm still deceiving myself.. Why does it seem like something impossible to achieve? I just need to feel you here with me.