past.

Finally. October.   September was a terrible month.   First it was my student. Then YY’s grandfather. Then Fel’s father. And then my mother’s good friend who watched me grow up.   Then. The teacher whom I respect and idolize. Till he left, I realized how much he has influenced me. I don’t know if time is really going to help me heal and come to terms with his demise. But even if there can be no more pain, I’m sure, the scar will always be there.   I was doing backup for my phone contacts that day. Out of 500 over contacts, I only retained half of them. That was when I came to the realization that over the years, things have changed so much. Some came into my life and left, some left but returned, whereas some, have been around from the start. Whatever, I am extremely thankful for those who are around now. To quote Mrs. Yong, I wouldn’t be where I am today if not for the supportive people around.   September was full of pain, losses and misery.  I hope Octob...

1. I don't remember the last time I woke up early in the morning to go trekking. There was hardly any motivation to do that... Until I didn't feel so well lately that I thought there was an urgent need to do something about it other than just playing badminton once a week (and since I hate jogging). The last time I set foot in Bukit Timah Hill area was probably in Sec 2 with the guides. I remember the challenge we took hours to complete, and how we took some time to understand that the hint "Submit Your Heart" actually meant "Summit Hut". Ahhh how nostalgic. We (KT KH JL) took the slightly harder route today. Frankly I felt it was extremely tiring, especially since I haven't walked on such rocky roads in a long time. However, I certainly enjoyed the perspiration, the adrenaline, and simply just breathing fresh air along the way. I would most definitely love to go there again soon. It was fun!   2. Young Detective Dee - Rise of the Sea Dragon was so excit...

I walked in the rain again. Many times there is actually this image in my head: me walking in the rain and someone walks behind me, doesn't say a word but knows what I'm thinking. But this is not soap drama so I'll continue to let it play in my head. Weariness is the word to use these days. I am constantly literally out of breath probably due to the lack of sleep. I feel that I have lost all that reason to be happy and I'm in search of that reason all over again. Suddenly I don't want to hear people telling me "jiayou gl!" I'm so tired.

我还在想, 怎么把那堵墙劈开。

Getting more breathless than before. Every day. Work. Tuition. Inadequate sleep. All in the name of money. And my dream condo. "The day I stop caring for you is when you are going to suffer." The words of my tutee's mother keep ringing in my head... But it was those words that brought a lull to the war of thoughts in my head just now. I'm still trying to be that best person. For I'm possibly thought to be the best. Among us five. I hate to disappoint. So I keep trying. I don't suppose anyone would be able to identify the complication. I am supposed to be the one, anyway. The question is how. How to get there.

:(

It's probably my worst cries in sixteen years. In my twenty three years of life, among those who left, you are the closest to me. I can't believe. You are gone. Thank you. For all that you have taught me. All the meals we had, the chats we had. I regret not having told you how significant a figure you are in my life. But you really ARE. Goodbye, Teacher. I hated the patriarchal traditions. Sometimes I think the reason why people never improve is because they are bound by rigid and unnecessary rules. I needed something to keep my mind off. We watched Percy Jackson. I particularly liked the ending despite it being unrealistic. Every good person who dies is resurrected... Don't we all live to witness miracles? That was all I asked for......

I have been missing from the alumni sports event for two years. I decided I would go down today to snap photos of the games like I always did for that four years, in the hope of keeping my mind off things. The photos sucked. One reason being, I don't have the skills; another one would be that I was really too lethargic for anything. Physically and mentally. I suppose. I think I haven't met Yelay for three years. Today he asked me, "How have you been?" My prompt reply was, "Very, very good." I regretted that. Immediately. It was exceptionally draining to lie. But I didn't know how else to answer. Could I have said I feel very painful and lost I have a hard time coping with it? He would probably be speechless. I have never been good at dealing with losses. Have I? I need a hug very much but I dare not ask for it from anyone because it's probably not something people, even myself, would readily give. I want to let my tears flow but I hold them back ever...

I couldn’t stop weeping at my cubicle in the staff room. There was a need to leave, to keep my mind preoccupied with something else before the other colleagues mistook that I was bullied by students. On the MRT, tears were still threatening to flow. I wiped off those tears with my hands. And repeated the action a few times. It took me much effort to suppress that feeling. I was never so good at showing that side of me, I didn’t like to make myself vulnerable. YX and I spent a good two hours at Hot Tomato. It was good to be talking about everything else but IT. Until we came to the wake. I looked at him. He was frowning slightly. Probably because he left in pain. The thought pains me. The tears came back. I said to him, “Thank you, you have been a great person. I hope you find happiness and joy in that other world you have gone to.” His wife told us he would probably continue to teach translation in Heaven. I believe so.   Before I left, I overheard her say, “No choice. I can only...

在巴士站接到诗玲的电话，我不知道可以给怎么样的反应。 上了车，我忍不住，从第一站哭到回家那一站。 这个月听到五个噩耗，而在这些人当中，他是离我最近的。 所以，我真的很难受。 我很清楚记得，我对他说的最后一句话是：“再见、保重。” 但是再也见不到了。  那是差不多两个星期前的事。我在国大的食堂看到他，便立刻跑上前跟他打招呼。每次看到他，我都很兴奋。因为他是我非常敬佩的老师。每次碰面，他都问我几时约他喝茶。我也只约了他一次。 对他的印象很深刻。 第一次上辅导课，他说我的名字不像女生的名字，照片也和真人不同。 第二次上辅导课，他点名没有点到我，点完后，他问：“还有谁的名字没有叫吗？” 我举手。他笑着说：“放心，记得。” 第一次在食堂碰到他，他说：“你们吃早餐也不约我，太过分了吧。” 那次他载我和佩琦到校外吃午餐。在他的车上，我问他以后可不可以聘请我到他的翻译公司任职。他说：“我哪里请得起你。” 有一回吃早餐，他跟我说：“如果你对翻译有兴趣，那你去签教育部，2015年会开翻译课，我负责训练教翻译的老师。到时我们再续师生缘。” 他对翻译的执著和热忱，让我很感动。是他给了我力量去报读香港中文大学的翻译系硕士学位。就连最后一次碰面，他也还是关心地问我：“结果怎样？” 记得最后一次在utown吃饭，他坚持要请客，还说：“以后你们毕了业记得跟我保持联络。到时候你们请我。”彦丽说：“那老师到时你一定要出来。” 他说一定。 最后一次发简讯问候，他说一切安好。 他曾经说，如果国大觉得他教得好，那他会一直教下去。 老师，你真的教得很好。 我很后悔，为什么今年没有祝老师教师节快乐？我每年都会发个电邮祝愿他。偏偏今年忘记了。我怎么可以忘记呢？ 老师，教师节快乐。 谢谢你，一切的一切。 直到现在，我还偷偷的希望这一切都只是个恶作剧。多么希望有人可以来告诉我，我上当了。如果这是恶作剧，我一定不会生气。真的不会。

That uncle whom we always bought groceries from passed away this morning. I wasn't so upset after hearing his demise. Maybe I'm heartless. Maybe I have heard too many deaths earlier this month that I didn't know how to react to such news anymore. I think I knew him since I was in kindergarten. He watched how my mum raised me. And I watched how he became emaciated by the days ever since we knew of his kidney failure. I will always remember his friendly smiles, in fact he's probably the only one I will remember because he was the only nice person around at that place. That place I never quite like to go.   It's only been two days into relief teaching but I am already losing my voice. At the same time I don't know whether to call it a blessing or not that I am in constant hunger and exhaustion since yesterday. Blessing being, 1. eat very little and thus, lose weight; 2. tired all the time and so, hardly insomniac. Emotions wise, I could never be calmer in...

一锅米饭放久了, 会馊, 会变坏, 是因为时间。 一坛女儿红藏起来许久再拿出来, 会变得更香醇。这也是因为时间。 时间到底是善良的, 还是个恶魔? 原来都不是。它不过是个乘法而已, 让原来的数值倍增。 好的可以随着时间流逝变得更好, 坏的也可以随着时间的流逝变更糟。我想我慢慢懂了。 当然, 这个世界不仅仅只有好和坏。 我决定了, 从此我要更爱自己。

Be strong, GL, be strong. You need all the strength to overcome this. Do it right even if you are doing it alone.

1. To be frank, I am hardly ready for school. This feeling is so different from that when I started school any semester in my four years of university life, and when I am not even playing the role of a student tomorrow. 2. I kind of think my table is as messy as my life. I promise to clear it before CNY. 3. I am going to try all I can to save up. Starting from NOW.

In the washroom, I told Angie, on a day like this, I feel that my life is complete. Waking up at 7.15a.m. on a Saturday, prepared breakfast and went to the doctor and wet market with my mum, and a long day spent with the full strength clique. A Saturday couldn't be more satisfying. Then I came back to a... war zone again. Each time it happens I try not to get myself emotionally involved. I think about the condo I'm going to buy by the age of 32. I think of my dreams that sometimes sound silly. There are times I do wonder if wanting to move out is my way of running away from problems. But I managed to convince myself that it's not. Everyone seeks peace, or at least at a certain point in life. I'm merely in that pursuit now. To begin with I am not the root of those problems so I can't solve them. But I shall try, in my own way, to seek the happiness I yearn for. On a positive note, I find myself going in that way, even though there may be no end to it. For they (and y...

I could never love the way some people do. While I always thought I could love very selflessly, apparently I couldn't. In this context I am not referring to love as in romantic love but love for the people around us. Looking at the way some people love unconditionally makes me realise how lowly my love for others is. I could never do the same, for I think for myself too much, too often. And so who am I to question you? I had always wanted to grumble that I am like an unimportant appointment that can be postponed infinitely. But I am hardly any different. I can come up with all the excuses possible to avoid making effort. This is when I truly despise myself. Maybe I'm but a sceptical girl who wants to be loved but is unwilling to love first.

今天在书店逛书的时候，随手拿起一本书，名为《特别笨拙的人》。读到第四页，眼眶开始泛泪。于是把这本书买了下来。好久没买书给自己了。近来一直很放纵自己，也不知道是不是好事。不过我相信，接下来的日子也很难再像这样肆无忌惮、为所欲为了。未来的路，我来了！路不好走，没关系，只求自己不论遇到什么困难，什么瓶颈，都要勇敢面对，不轻言放弃。

Thanks for the pleasant surprise ps!!!! :)))

Many times I wonder if I can teach my students the right thing and the good values when I am myself filled with hatred that never seems to diminish along with time. Worse, for one whom I never should bear grudges with. I don't deny that I never tried. But in all honesty I cannot be bothered. To put my ego or anything else aside for a better relationship with a person like this, it just disgusts me. I attempted to think of an adjective vile enough to describe a character this nasty, but found none. The only alike, possibly, is the evil stepmother who offers a poisonous apple in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The late night rain continues sporadically. I appreciate it so much. In fact love that it comes every night. The reason for this earlier acquired affection is back. The routine seems to be resuming. Yet. Yes, yet. Things have changed. Not necessarily for the worse. Perhaps it was never possible to return to the beginning once the journey began. We only build our lives once. You either keep things as they are. Or you rebuild them, everything in a different manner. But don't dream about going back to square one. How is it possible?

学会看开,  不钻牛角尖, 纯粹是因为已经开始对周围的人事物感到麻木。这绝对不是什么坏事。只是, 这样的人, 会不会很难去感染别人?

I decided I was too lazy to get the umbrella especially since it was neatly folded and kept in its cover. And so I walked in the rain thinking that a drizzle wouldn't kill. Here I am, lying in bed with a headache and feeling feverish. Zzzzz. I'm not really looking forward to the start of my part-time work next week. Waking up at 6 every morning all over again. It's unimaginable. 6 classes of little monsters. A subject I haven't toucheddsince I was fourteen. I can easily break out in cold sweat just thinking about it. For health reasons, I think I need to start eating healthy or rather stop eating unhealthy from now on. - no more kfc - no more mac - no more nuggets :( - no more milk unless it's low fat but I hate low fat milk - no more Starbucks - no more supper - no more deep-fried food - try to swim more often

1. I left home for supper after hearing the typical Saturday war. 2. Late night supper is pretty crazy. I can feel the calories in my body. And fats clotting. 3. Almost got stuck in the deluge. Thank goodness. 4. I still love rainy days but somehow don't feel so strongly for it anymore. Maybe I just don't feel strongly for anything anymore.... 5. You know me quite well, don't you? That is why you always win. Goodnight.

Sometimes some people just stop caring but you got to keep going. Cos' you live for yourself.

Was really happy to hear from Fel today and saw a smiley in the text message.   I ought to be the one mentally strong but somehow I turned out to be the more vulnerable one. These days I feel a rock on my chest and it just doesn't feel so good. In fact, I find myself suffocating. Every time someone asks, I feel like crying while explaining it, when the one directly involved wasn't even me at all. I do wonder if I am over-reacting, if I should react this way. But. I just can't help it. Maybe, I should now see or have seen the other side of people and start to grow up. Not everyone is as simple as he or she seems... Now I should learn to take things in my stride, be less emotional, be less vulnerable. Be stronger.   In any case, Fel, take care :)) Be strong.

Today is the first day without WW! I am so not used to this.

I think it's really nice and heart-warming to call up a friend who probably needs a listening ear. That is certainly a gesture of love. However, I do not agree that such gestures should be twisted into those of selfish intentions, such that other friends who want to care for this friend have to one by one call up and thus, only causing more disturbance. I think I can never agree with that. I can never agree with people who abuse in the name of love. For the ones hurt are the ones who have loved.   I need to calm down and continue to count my blessings.

Haven't felt my heart this heavy. All the jokes and laughter of the day still boil down to a heavy heart at the end of the day. Tears came to my eyes in the morning but I had managed to distract myself with other thoughts. But it was difficult to get through the day. I thought death was what upset me. No. It was not. It was selfishness. Greed. Ugliness. I can't help but feel utmost misery every time I think about it. The human race. So ugly. Sis called from hall today because she knew i was down. But before I told her anything she was weeping so badly. She said I must have felt awful. Sometimes I wish people would be as innocent as her...

今天大概是今年最难过的一天。 哭了两次。 一次为一个生命的失去。 一次为人性的丑陋。

我边哽咽, 边说: "你要坚强。" 但一个人能有多坚强?

我坐在巴士上, 心情真的很沉重。跟之前的嘻笑确实是很大的落差。也许我现在习惯了不把自己不快乐的情绪表露出来。 以前教过一个学生。他的学习能力比其他学生弱。记得有一回他整个星期没来上课, 我心里就搬出一把尺, 认定他是个常跷课的学生。后来听其他老师和同学说才知道原来这个学生健康状况不好, 很多病症。认清这一点之后, 我确实发现, 他总是第一个把功课交上。他真的很勤奋, 很爱学习。 今天得知他过世, 心里不免有些难过。 也不知道还能说什么。就是, 难过。

现在脑子里只有一件事....

本以为确定了方向是件好事, 迎面而来的却是意想不到的阻力。就连以为会最支持自己的人都不愿举起赞同的手。也许一开始就不该太乐观? 不管怎样, 我想我已经决定了。就算总有不认同的人, 我也要持之以恒。就算路有些崎岖, 有点偏离其他人, 我也不能后悔。因为我没有错, 因为这是我的人生。 我现在需要的, 是支持, 是鼓励。你若不认同我的选择, 没关系, 但不要泼冷水, 好吗?