I have been missing from the alumni sports event for two years. I decided I would go down today to snap photos of the games like I always did for that four years, in the hope of keeping my mind off things. The photos sucked. One reason being, I don't have the skills; another one would be that I was really too lethargic for anything. Physically and mentally. I suppose. I think I haven't met Yelay for three years. Today he asked me, "How have you been?" My prompt reply was, "Very, very good." I regretted that. Immediately. It was exceptionally draining to lie. But I didn't know how else to answer. Could I have said I feel very painful and lost I have a hard time coping with it? He would probably be speechless. I have never been good at dealing with losses. Have I? I need a hug very much but I dare not ask for it from anyone because it's probably not something people, even myself, would readily give. I want to let my tears flow but I hold them back every time they come. I wished someone would sit beside me and listen to me grieve. I wished time would freeze for a minute or two so that I could catch my breath and cry for all I want. I feel so breathless. I'm so tired.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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