past.

好耐都冇用粵語打字。唔係因為我唔得閒，其實都冇乜原因。呢排發生好多嘢，真係唔知可以點算。只是覺得好癐，好想停下，好想唞啖氣。不過根本就冇時間咁做。點算哩？

Dear Mr. Yeo I am so tired. Because I didn't want her to be unhappy, I postponed two classes and went down to the hospital with her and the brother and his girlfriend. I wonder if the corridors in the hospital were deliberately made that way. Dimly lit, very clean and long, and full of bends. You cannot help but think of all the possibilities later while walking along the corridors. For a hospital I didn't think that was very friendly. She walked exceptionally fast. Or maybe I walked too slowly. Honestly that scared me a little. Because I was trying to reach for her hand but her pace was so fast and the brother and his girlfriend were in between us. I think, he has slimmed down again. But he was still looking bossy, arrogant. That look on his face when he beckoned for the nurse to stop adjusting the position of his bed. I just knew, a leopard doesn't change its spots. She started weeping. That caught me. I was really confused. But I guess I probably wouldn't be able to ...

The last time I actually sat at The Deck and had beehoon and soya milk for breakfast all by myself was probably Year 4? I think so. And I kinda miss the times I sat there alone and after a while, my friends would come along and join me. But everything just seems so faded and faraway now. The last time I actually sat at AS7 com lab and racked my brains so hard for an essay was probably Year 4 when I did my ISM. I would sit here all by myself and my friends would come and join me whenever they saw me. But everything just seems so faded and faraway now. New faces and new layout. I wonder if they miss all these as much as I do. Technically it should have been three hundred and sixty-five multiplied by three because the last three years were the most memorable. (And even if I subtract the holidays we still met up so they should still count..) I think I rely too much on the past. Which is only ephemeral. Ephemeral joys I hope.

超棒.

Just when I thought I ran out of tears, talking to yk makes me teary all over again. Maybe because he's been through it. So it felt more real, the way he put it. But I really thank him.

A and I made our way to the running tracks. She said sweating can make one feel better. So we decided to try. Actually I always hated running. I still do. I feel that running is the most boring and demoralising exercise ever. It reminds me of the times our college teachers tortured us especially when they were not in the right mood. But since nothing makes me better these days, I decided it would be the last resort. Unfortunately, however, my tummy hurt so badly I ran to the toilet thrice. I don't even know why. Felt like cramps. But sometimes it didn't. I think I sort of screwed up my body somehow. Now that I'm lying in bed, it still hurts. But in a way it's good, because the physical pain takes my mind off the pain elsewhere. Actually, I just want to have some good pizza now.

bit by bit, little by little. I dont know how to stay sane.

Dear Mr. Yeo I don't know how I get this amount of water in me. Tears just keep coming. I am so tired. GL

I am really tired and hungry. Again. Maybe it's because the void inside me is really huge. And I am unsure of what to fill it with other than food. But I'm neither eating, nor sleeping. There is so much to do but seemingly so little time. Or rather, I just cannot muster any bit of strength to get down to work. Just now as I stepped into the house, the sight made me ponder. Ninety percent of the garden has withered. The reason is obvious. Technically speaking, he hasn't been home for twenty odd days. Even when he returns next week, the flowers will probably not be revived. It makes me wonder, if a person leaves, no matter how poor he has been, he is bound to bring something along as he departs. The thing is, it's not like he even left me any of his legacy. What can he take away? Still, whatever is going on is slowly ripping me apart. The cousin called last night and she is about to stage the next drama next weekend. Honestly I was hoping to get out of this but my strong ...

Dear Mr. Yeo I could just sit here all day and still not know what to do. It's worse than being torn apart. Because I'm whole but I'm empty inside. I feel that I can crumble anytime.  GL

I'm tired. Like very very tired. And I don't want to hold on anymore. It's so tiring.

结果又是我错。

Dear Mr. Yeo I'm addressing this to you not because I am upset today. In fact, I haven't felt calmer. I woke up much earlier than usual today because Sze Sze had asked to dine with me a few times but we were both too busy to complement each other so we decided it would be today. In all honesty, I wasn't really feeling ready to meet people (except for the usual few) but I felt maybe I should show some courtesy. It was a simple breakfast and I had appreciated that. And eating the beehoon at The Deck often reminds me of you. Because the last time we had breakfast at The Deck, you had that too. I didn't manage to accomplish much work today because my dearest Z texted and asked to meet me for soyed latte. I knew it deep down that she just wanted to talk to me. So I chucked my work aside and met her. On the way to meet her I bumped into Prof. Koh and he kind of made my day because I used to always think that he never remembered my name for I was never a high profile student i...

川哥是我近来很喜欢的词人。他不仅能够抓住很多现代用语，而且还可以通过这些用语表达很贴切的现实。 @M: 如果我没有错的话，言承旭的《我是真的真的很爱你》和《一公尺》的歌词也是川哥写的！

Really hope there will be an end to the disasters. Pray for the people in Algeria.

2014年7月24日。阴。 这几天醒来，外面都是阴沉沉的。以为会来场倾盆大雨，稀释一下空气中的尘埃和人们心中的郁闷，但结果都是云散日出。这使我想起最近人人都对我说“雨过就会天晴”，但谁又晓得我要的是雨天呢？于是我真的不太喜欢这句话。可是因为大家总是在不懂得安慰人的情况下说出那样的话，我便欣然接受了。 好久没打华文字了。就算有，也只是短短的几句话。一般用华文打字，都是情绪比较稳定的时候，思绪没那么杂乱的时候。近来的情绪如何便可想而知了。 昨晚他们又在吵了。这个月真的不太吉祥，也不太宁静。大家心里都有没办法放下的执著。在别人眼里，放下在这种时候不应该是件难事。我只能说，不在其位，你永远无法理解当事人的感受。所以尽管旁人不断指指点点，我也懒得理会。只是不明白，我的家已经散成这个样子，为什么周围的人还要加油添醋，挑拨离间呢？ 今早PT安全回国。好感恩。抛弃她让我很恨自己。昨天她又碰到台风没法回来。我真的好害怕。因为我真的不想再失去。原本以为已经没什么好失去的了。但周围还是有很多我很爱的人。所以我仍然不能松手。 隐约听见雷声。是否暴风雨就要来了？ 我还在等。

The argument goes on and on, as if there will ever be any conclusion.

Please, she must come back safe and sound.

I haven't been in the mood to meet anyone recently. So I thought I wouldn't. But J texted and I decided to meet her, because she's hardly free. I'm glad. She's always a great listener. Today I told her everything I didn't manage to in the past few months because I hadn't seen her on one to one since January. Suddenly she cried. In the past, whenever she cried I would feel like crying too. But I think I have run out of tears and I am too worn out so I watched her cry for me. But I thank her. I always think people who cry easily are kind hearted. And that's definitely not me. We had Skinny Pizza today. In 2012 someone told me he would bring me there to try it but it never happened. And I never tried it until we passed by today and I was craving for pizza. It was however not all that fantastic, just like how things turned out eventually. Still, I have loved that short break. It's Wednesday tomorrow. Finally. It feels as if Wednesday hasn't been here...

Dear Mr. Yeo I thought I would only address my posts to you when I am feeling helpless and miserable but these days I can hardly let my entries go without having them addressed to you. I have been feeling so insecure I really need something to hold on to. That day I stayed out for five hours including spending two hours at Starbucks and an hour at Kino. I felt slightly better after getting a book. I don't know if it's going to work. I can only try. Yesterday best friend went climbing with me. I thought I was going to feel extremely drained after the climb but nope, I did fine. But what happened next wasn't too desirable. I had laksa, greentea cheesecake, curry chicken, fried noodles. I kept eating, and kept watching The Ultimate Addiction, because I figured I needed something to keep me occupied. Best friend wrote (actually he typed) me a letter. The last time he wrote me a letter was secondary three I think, on the school foolscap paper. Yesterday in the letter he attached...

Dear Mr. Yeo I had so much tears today I almost had trouble stopping. The venti soyed latte helped me a bit. But not the oreo cheesecake. Indeed, it is not a happy thing to try out something you don't like. I have been sitting here for nearly two hours. And I have been shivering. I think it's because I have been containing my tears. Even now. I feel like I'm just swallowing my tears.  Last night YR and Xi tried to cheer me up by treating me to nice Korean food. I had the best kimchi pancake thus far. I really appreciate their goodwill. But when I woke up this morning I felt torn apart again. The last time I felt this way was when you left. Shimu texted and offered me a listening ear just now. I'm very thankful but I declined it. I really need someone to talk to and listen to me but I don't know what to say anymore. Tacenda. I told myself. I have run out of words. Because whatever I have said before wasn't understood. My tears are threatening to fall again. I...

Dear Mr. Yeo I am crying again. This is so unfair. I have already cancelled my trip. What more do they want? Regards GL

No words can describe the anger and sadness in me.

:'(

Dear Mr. Yeo I am crying again. I kind of didn't sleep the whole night. Maybe I dozed off at 4am. I don't know. I dreamt that I was holding Rahil's hand and crying. In the dream I told her nobody cared about my feelings. I felt my heart stop. Then I jerked and woke up. My face was wet with tears. Then I couldn't sleep anymore. 6.22 am. P woke up and looked kinda shocked to see me awake. I think I dozed off again. This time I dreamt of myself running on the road and a knife was lying in the middle of it. I put it aside where it wouldn't cause anyone harm. When I woke up, there were four missed calls from my mum. While I was contemplating to return her calls or not, she called again. I didn't answer. I think the last time I didn't feel like answering her call was in secondary 4 when she misunderstood me for something I didn't do. When she called the sixth time, I decided to answer, and to tell her I was going to see him if that was what she wanted me to do...

Dear Mr. Yeo I don't know how. Regards GL

If anything, this is the worst part of my life.

I think I am going nuts.

反正最后我的感受是最不重要的。

Dear Mr. Yeo He said, if she still wants a divorce, he will agree. What's the point of saying that now? I am really holding back my tears now. GL

Dear Mr. Yeo Just now she said she feels like she only has three children now. And I wanted her to know I will always be there. She said tomorrow is a matter of life and death. And then the two started pointing fingers at me. This is my decision. I only wish to be respected. Everyone tells me not to leave regrets. What regrets? Honestly I don't know how to make sense of it. I only know nobody spares a thought for my feelings. I don't know how to stay sane given the current circumstances. I feel a big piece of me breaking. I feel like I'm on a boat in the middle of the ocean and there is a storm. I don't know whether to stay on board or plunge. I think I am dying too. And I don't even know what's devouring me. GL

尽管有些人说Elva不是实力派歌手，但我一直都很期待她的新作品。 总觉得她的人生路还蛮坎坷的，可她一直很坚强，很专业，很努力。这是我很佩服她的地方。 而且。。。她这样的中低音，就是一种特色。并不是人人都能做到！！！ 劫后余生以后，据说会重生。

Seriously I don't know who can do this better than her.

Whenever I feel things are too much for me to take and there's nothing left to say, I like to watch A-Mit's videos.

请你一定要加油! 我们一起加油!!!

I think it's a pretty good day today, considering the dramas going on in my life recently. For the first time I attended a friend's commencement all by myself. It was Chris'. It occurred to me that we don't really have any common friends now. But I thought it was worth going still, so I went. I'm glad I did. Because he has shared big and small news with me for the past few years. I figured I might be an important friend to him after all. It's been a decade. From the prefect who would command "sekolah sedia" at the podium to the man today who is about to settle down with his right girl. Certainly worth celebrating.  So worn out today, I only managed six laps in the pool (with much effort) instead of the usual minimum ten. Climbing stairs was also so much of a chore. Seriously... But I'm happy! I bumped into Ms Rachel Lim today!!! Since I knew about her departure when I received my O Levels cert, I never saw her again. I had always wanted to thank he...

I could never imagine you would be this despicable. So sick of all these shit.

Dear Mr. Yeo Today's class with your girl was cancelled because she was still running a fever. I went out anyway. I roamed about, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to sit at Starbucks and get myself a soyed latte. But I didn't think that was going to save me. I have a home but I dared not return. I lied that I had class because I was scared she would bring me to see him, but I didn't want to. I had wanted to squat in a corner of the shopping mall and cry my heart out. But my rationality didn't allow that. So I spent some in Kino. Since the last book, I haven't really read another one because I haven't found a suitable one. Reading helps in healing too and I am running out of things to read I feel. I went back home eventually. Mum wasn't home. I played X-Men 3 on PS3. It did take my mind off unhappy things I think. E, M, L and Xi texted. I appreciated all that. And things did seem better in the evening. It has pretty much been this way. Good sometimes an...

Dear Mr. Yeo I think I really need a friend. One who listens. Because I can feel my insides shatter. This day would come, I have always known that. I just didn't expect it to be this soon. And true enough, all the fingers are pointing to us now. I don't know what to do. Regards GL

Dear Mr. Yeo I know I am cruel. But I don't know how else to handle this. I really don't. Regards GL

Dear Mr. Yeo It's killing me. GL

Dear Mr. Yeo I met him today. The friend whom I lost. And I passed him the postcard which I had kept for two months. After today, I think I know I have lost him forever. But in a way, I am able to move on easier from now on. The sister texted ten minutes ago. She said the doctor advised we have a conference so that he could talk to us about his condition. It was painful. Painful because I hate such situations where I clearly know my decision but it is a cruel one to others. Honestly I don't know how to handle this. I feel that I am merely doing what I think is routine to me but I am seen as a sinner. Or maybe I do see myself as one too. What should I do? GL

It's been nine months. And I knew it for myself that I needed to face it sooner or later. So I did, head-on. I guess this is the best way to end it. No more pain to speak of. Only memories which I would now put in a box and keep away. People tell me, they need time. I think I can do with some too. Congratulations to all my friends who graduated!

The scary thing is that people still bring it up, and it still affects me. I don't really know what is a good way to block it out. It's not like I didn't try. And it really makes me want to cry. I... just want a clean break.

Dear Mr. Yeo I am typing this letter because... I don't know. Two weeks ago I randomly picked up a book from a pile at Popular and kind of instantaneously bought it because it was in the form of letters. I really, really love to read letters so I thought a novel that came in the form of letters would be interesting. Like Cecelia Ahern's Where Rainbows End . I love that book so much. Anyway this book that I got two weeks ago, I finished it just now and I think I haven't enjoyed a novel this much in a while. The title is Love Letters to the Dead. I don't know why it is "love" letters for the letters that the protagonist writes are not exactly romantic contents. They are merely letters that tell her story. And after reading it I thought maybe writing a letter that will be unanswered can help me hear my own voice. I don't know. Maybe I just need an avenue. The protagonist writes to many people. Of whom include celebrities and poets. They are all the dead, and ...

I rushed home to want to download aMei's new album on iTunes but when I clicked on my shortcut, it told me that my version of iTunes needed updates and so I allowed it to update. And then it started installing the new updates but it is taking forever so I decided I will type something down now while waiting.  It is Wednesday. And I have always loved Wednesdays. So technically speaking today is supposed to be a good one. By using the word "supposed" I am not trying to imply that the day turned out bad. The past few days just haven't been too good, and I am trying to get over that melancholy. After my two classes in Serangoon it was already 8pm. I didn't exactly want to head for home but I so badly wanted to get out of the train station. Is it becoming colder these days? I doubt anyone is going to agree with me on this because everyone else is complaining about the recent blazing sun. Perhaps it was the Circle Line. Or figuratively speaking it was a cold heart that ...