Dear Mr. Yeo
I am crying again.
I kind of didn't sleep the whole night. Maybe I dozed off at 4am. I don't know. I dreamt that I was holding Rahil's hand and crying. In the dream I told her nobody cared about my feelings. I felt my heart stop. Then I jerked and woke up. My face was wet with tears. Then I couldn't sleep anymore. 6.22 am. P woke up and looked kinda shocked to see me awake. I think I dozed off again. This time I dreamt of myself running on the road and a knife was lying in the middle of it. I put it aside where it wouldn't cause anyone harm.
When I woke up, there were four missed calls from my mum. While I was contemplating to return her calls or not, she called again. I didn't answer. I think the last time I didn't feel like answering her call was in secondary 4 when she misunderstood me for something I didn't do. When she called the sixth time, I decided to answer, and to tell her I was going to see him if that was what she wanted me to do. But no. She asked for something else.
I feel that I have let PT down. We are supposed to fly together tonight but now I have to withdraw and she will be completing all the itinerary all by herself. But on the other hand I cannot let my mum down. Everything I do, I do it for her. But it's just never enough. I really cannot feel more screwed.
I went down anyway. Because mum broke down in tears while begging me. He was in the ICU, deeply asleep. I was thankful for that. He had tubes all over, his hair exceptionally grey. I didn't, however, feel sorry. Maybe I am cold blooded. I don't know. I don't mean for him to be dead. But whatever the conditions, I really don't want to care.
But typically people like to play the finger pointing game. And given today's circumstance, I'm the only target.
Actually I don't really care. But my mum joins in. She says she doesn't want to be targeted.
This afternoon I wished a car would come speeding towards me and knock me down, dead.
But whenever I think of how you would definitely choose to live longer if you had a choice, I told myself to be strong.
It's just that I get so tired.
GL
I am crying again.
I kind of didn't sleep the whole night. Maybe I dozed off at 4am. I don't know. I dreamt that I was holding Rahil's hand and crying. In the dream I told her nobody cared about my feelings. I felt my heart stop. Then I jerked and woke up. My face was wet with tears. Then I couldn't sleep anymore. 6.22 am. P woke up and looked kinda shocked to see me awake. I think I dozed off again. This time I dreamt of myself running on the road and a knife was lying in the middle of it. I put it aside where it wouldn't cause anyone harm.
When I woke up, there were four missed calls from my mum. While I was contemplating to return her calls or not, she called again. I didn't answer. I think the last time I didn't feel like answering her call was in secondary 4 when she misunderstood me for something I didn't do. When she called the sixth time, I decided to answer, and to tell her I was going to see him if that was what she wanted me to do. But no. She asked for something else.
I feel that I have let PT down. We are supposed to fly together tonight but now I have to withdraw and she will be completing all the itinerary all by herself. But on the other hand I cannot let my mum down. Everything I do, I do it for her. But it's just never enough. I really cannot feel more screwed.
I went down anyway. Because mum broke down in tears while begging me. He was in the ICU, deeply asleep. I was thankful for that. He had tubes all over, his hair exceptionally grey. I didn't, however, feel sorry. Maybe I am cold blooded. I don't know. I don't mean for him to be dead. But whatever the conditions, I really don't want to care.
But typically people like to play the finger pointing game. And given today's circumstance, I'm the only target.
Actually I don't really care. But my mum joins in. She says she doesn't want to be targeted.
This afternoon I wished a car would come speeding towards me and knock me down, dead.
But whenever I think of how you would definitely choose to live longer if you had a choice, I told myself to be strong.
It's just that I get so tired.
GL
Comments
Post a Comment