past.

I MISS YOU LEH, HOW?

wu fei yau feng ha nei wai si gua ni nei sui yao wui ke ngor sang bei qin si zui pa yau yan tai hei zao xun za mor san zon sau bei ngor mun yi yau yat sei koi lei ngor qing yun ngor han sam zam nei ngor wan zoi kei yit zong zao nei I've been in denial for the longest time.

Walking in the rain earlier in the day as well as yesterday had caused me to run a fever since I came back this morning. It is damn hard to focus on work (especially readings) when you are feeling giddy. I slept for a couple of hours, woke up and popped a panadol pill and went back to sleep, but I still feel dizzy and tired. Mind over everything is extremely difficult to execute now. I promise I haven't heard the rain stop since I made my way back from chalet this morning. Correction, since yesterday when I left my house. People have been making noises on FB, Twitter or verbally about the excessive supply of clouds and thus, the rain. Some even curse and swear about the weather but well, is it really necessary? I think we often take our climate too much for granted: When it's scorching hot we hope it rains, when it rains we hope it shines. Of course, I agree that the constant rain brings about much hassle for everyone, but I believe 太阳总会出来. On a side note, Zhuang and I had a g...

So it was a rather enjoyable time spent at bf's chalet. Zhuang and I were reaching the bus interchange when an old lady approached us and showed Zhuang a card and asked how to get to that place. Zhuang looked at me and asked the same question and for once, I had some sense of direction. The old lady spoke Hokkien and even though Zhuang and I understood, we were struggling with replying her in dialect. I think the old lady kinda understood that we were having some difficulties so she spoke in some Chinese, probably trying to mean that we could answer her in Chinese. So I pointed in the direction that she should head for but she still looked lost. The rain was heavy and it was quite a distance to get to the place, and so Zhuang and I decided we should bring the old lady there. Along the way, the old lady spoke to us, telling us that she is 87 years old this year and she stays at the place which she was heading to but forgot the way there. She was so frail that I though...

School was hectic. Thursday was spent with Michelle and YR attending the very first film tutorial which was really fun and then a few hours spent in the computer room trying to do something. In the evening it was CNY celebration by the CH department and I found it generally fun because of the atmosphere created perhaps. It was nice to hang out with the girls and then take the same bus home (even though the traffic was terrible). With five hours of sleep, I headed to school for tutorial this morning and a lecture after that. I visited the washroom during lecture break and was horrified by my haggard look when I looked into the mirror. My dark eye circles were so bad. But again, it can be accounted for because sleep was never ample for the past few days. And I'm actually taking some time out to type these now because I have just finished an assignment which is due tomorrow. So anyway, I went to the alumni appreciation dinner eventually and was glad to catch up with some of the p...

I like to laugh. Laughing makes me happy. Being happy makes me laugh. Some people will probably ask, "Then why do you not laugh everyday?" I think we laugh because we are happy, not because we want to make ourselves happy. I do not necessarily laugh everyday because it is just like I do not do the things I like to do everyday. And after laughing, there is the terrifying amount of work to complete by the end of this week. So scary that I immediately stopped laughing at the thought of it. Jiayou GL. Jiayou GL. Jiayou GL. (Three times of it imply intensity.)

美丽往往都易碎，对不对？

I survived Tuesday, the longest day of the week. (Well yes, each day has 24 hours so technically speaking there isn't really a longer day or a shorter day.) During film lecture today, we learnt shots establishment and devices. I think it is very interesting because when I watch movies or merely clips, I often focus on the plot and acting of the actors/actresses, hardly the angles and devices of the shots even though there are times I do. Never had I really discovered the other side of the story told through these shots. In fact, my mind started to drift away to how I would establish certain shots of the stories I would write if ever I had the chance to realise my dream of a scriptwriter one day. Zhi, if I ever marry a rich husband, I will establish a movie company and we will work on this ok? Please do the same and not forget me if you marry a rich husband instead. THANKS.

Fact is that, even though I know I only have 1.5 years left, even though I know I can no longer qualify for an Honours track in NUS now no matter how hard I work, even though no amount of brushing up can save me the money to go overseas to do my Honours, I just don't want to stop here, because if I do, I feel that I've lost it all. Last week during the camp, I said that I believe in 2012 (end of the world). One of my juniors asked, "If you believe in that, why are you working so hard? Why are you walking this long and tiring route?" I said, "Because if you don't do anything at all, you're wasting the remaining time of your life. Might as well do something." Maybe I've really screwed half my life in NUS up, and I know that the lost time can never be retrieved. And I really dare to say that I have worked hard last semester, but the results didn't show. That was why I questioned if hard work and results really work alongside each other. But yeah...

I haven't really blogged about my life of late, have I? So yes, my brother's back from exchange in China and he got me a birthday present ---- a dangdang pouch which my instant 7S is likely to fit into. (I always thought my brother didn't know I like dangdang?) And yes, he got me my 宫心计 DVD which added to my TVB collection too. It's my first birthday present from my brother. And then the daily routine of school has started a fortnight ago. I'm glad to be attending my favourite lecturer's lesson again but he gives us one assignment per week so that is extremely taxing on us all. Thank goodness for my CH major friends who have been so nice to share all the knowledge and resources relevant to our work. They might just be the only reason for me to look forward to school these days. And I've been so friendly to new classmates recently I feel as if I am not me. Math is getting tougher but my fire of passion is still burning strong and I hope to keep it up. Aspire ...

I've tried, and I always believe in trying when I feel it's right to. You? When are you trying?

我喜欢幻想一切美好事物。但最终我总不忘提醒自己：幻想并不真实，所以一定要回到现实中来。如果把幻想和现实混淆了，也许久而久之会无法分辨。我所追求的幻想也是那么实际，我只是不想再受伤。怕痛的人都应该实际些。 我是真的好喜欢美好的事物。只可惜，我怕痛。

I never want to get used to anyone's niceness again. Good things don't last.

Camp is finally over, and I must start nursing my knee injury which has apparently worsened after the long walk last night. This cohort is nice, except for the few who hurled a string of Hokkien vulgarities at me and in Mrs Chua's face. I'm glad I actually laughed it off rather than blew my top like I did last year. It's true, some people are just not worth it. As always, I'm always glad to know more people during the camp. This year, the 2008 batch alumni are really cute and very, very nice people. It was great to know these people and not to forget the people who are around to help me. I'm also thankful for Angie Zhi Nelson for coming down just to help me. I know it was for me! So anyway, I'm glad some of my fellow alumni actually did some self-reflection after the camp and realised a lot more. For me, I just want to make this my last time. Mr. Chiang says he hopes I stick to my promise.

当我失去一切冲劲时，当所有事都变得渺茫时，我希望自己还能够看到希望。在希望和绝望之间来回，感觉很麻木。

Hui Xin brought me around at just the basement of the new shopping mall at Clementi yesterday and I was quite amazed to see the manifestation of fast food restaurants over there: Macs, KFC, Burger King, Long John Silver, Subway. And then there are also Japanese food stalls and NTUC Finest. Apart from that, Clementi has recently become the town of bubble tea, with the various kinds/brands of bubble teas moving in and replacing shophouses which I used to frequent. So now, we start to ponder. Are there going to be throngs of primary and secondary school students heading to this 'city of havoc' soon? A place for them to congregate after school, chat over lunch, have fun. More chances to gather and come up with cranky ideas of what to do when they are bored? And then more slashing incidents? More drop-outs? No? I'm not generalising, yet. Just pondering.

Stop guessing, people. It's not about the camp. School is the one giving me headaches. I just need to sort this out myself. I'm tired too. Tired of being unhappy. It's just that I don't know, or don't remember, what makes me happy. 坚持要走是我受伤的借口。我只是以为你们会懂，但结果我还是受伤了。The scale has dropped, to 2 or 3, but not 0, at least. I will start working from here. This time, I will not allow it to drop again.

I really don't know how to do this.

I'm not sure if I'm hitting rock bottom soon but it may just be bottomless.

Sometimes there is so much left unspoken, only silence everywhere.

那种想哭的感觉又回来了。 I really think I make a very lousy friend.

I guess I don't know how to trust anymore. Don't break the way I did. I fell so hard.

感觉一旦失去了，就再也找不回来了。

I think the walk at the Southern Ridges always makes me feel emotionally better. I totally felt I was a slut before that. Maybe talking to my fellow alumni and teachers always makes me get to know them more and forget about things I really need to chuck aside. I figured I felt very miserable these days because friends have been giving me all kinds of advice or telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't. Because some advices differ so much, it sucks to not know what to do or what I really want. Now it all boils down to my own decisions. And I felt I should just 跟着感觉走, as simple as that. Because no matter what others say, they are not me, and eventually I am the decision maker. I feel like one of the closed chapters has been opened up again. And it plays like a bad song in my head. The characters, the plot, the ending, they are still the same. I didn't write them this way, but some things are meant to be like this. I never want to try so hard again. Thank you to those who ...

In times of crisis, heroes are born. Max told me this just now. But I never wanted to be a hero (or heroine for that matter). I'm tired. NO, I am NOT Superwoman, nor am I still the Wolverine who always recovers fast. I hate to laugh in school with my classmates like school is the most enjoyable thing. I hate to smile to my fellow alumni as if I enjoy doing all the saikang that the school throws me with and then never appreciates it. I want a break so badly, even though the break actually just ended. I want to take a walk outside on my own and embrace life but I don't know how to do this. Because the moment I put down the tasks in my hands, people start to question. How.

I guess it's a relatively better day today, especially after dinner with my college classmates. I guess it did take certain things off my mind. Lecture today was quite interesting, largely because of the classmates who are ever so nice and fun to talk to. This week is going to be hectic one I wonder how I should survive it. Next week will be worse. I just hope I will be strong enough to pull through. I've decided that I will not entertain any of the issues anymore, it was never my business to begin with. Even if you were trying to salvage a friendship, it's too late. I can't piece things back again, because it will cause the same kind of pain. I wished my friends would understand, but it is ok if you all don't. Because I just need myself to know what I am doing even if it means I'm playing the bad guy. I can only say, no one knows how I feel, so I got to judge this myself and make my own decision. Ultimately, it's my life that I'm living, right?

"Birthdays are a strange thing. You’re pleasantly surprised by people whom you do not expect to hear from or who do not have to remember it’s your birthday but do so unfailingly while those whom you expect or hope to hear from you do not hear from. Birthdays become less and less of an affair each year as you grow older. And that’s because you have slowly come to learn more and more about life. Birthdays become more like pitstops, markings which highlight each different juncture of your life at constant intervals and which tell you to stop for a while to have a rethink. Birthdays become more like yardsticks; yardsticks to measure love, value, maturity, intelligence, wisdom, success, achievements, accomplishments, dreams, and importance of the people around you." I blogged this last year and today, I think it still applies. All the people who have showered me with messages and calls, cards and presents, I've received all the blessings and I am thankful, really. If there is ...

Dinner with the girls last night. They were very nice, treated me to dinner and gave me birthday presents which they shouldn't have spent on. It was funny how some of them didn't know that I never liked birthday cakes and they bought one. Appreciate much still :) Alumni meeting was stressful and I just couldn't bring my point across even though I very much wanted to. Events for the year are lining up and I wonder where to get the passion and motivation to do all these. I fulfilled my task which I had in mind for 3 years. That moment was... I don't know. I was never mentally prepared for that moment and it just sprang on me and hit me so hard. If not for Watermelon's presence, I definitely would have collapsed. Maybe I just wasn't ready to take this, not even after 1 year and a month's time. The strong surge of inferiority was so overwhelming I thought I could just let my legs bring me somewhere. I should have seen this coming, but I didn't. Keeping my wo...

I just gave myself the most cruel present. I really wanted to run away and never come back.

After lunch with Rahil Badd and Salih, I went to alma mater. Sis did relatively well, considering the state she was in during the O Levels period. Had meeting with the guiders, hopefully I can really spare some time to go back for guides this time. School officially started today and for me, tomorrow, because I have no lessons on Monday. That is why I say there are probably no more Monday blues this semester. Tomorrow's first lecture will be Math and this time, I'll be taking it all alone. I decided to give it a second shot because I believe I still love Math and that the Math module I took last semester didn't kill my passion for Math. I want to keep trying until I get the kind of satisfaction and accomplishment sense that I've been searching for. And tomorrow I will be doing what I've had in mind for 3 years.

This feeling still gets to me, even if each time it is only a fleeting moment. No matter how fast I sprint (not literally), I just can't seem to catch up with everyone. It makes me believe that two persons can be at the same pace but not everyone. It is true, not everyone will stop for you. Friends who don't stop for you are still your friends, but you got to accept it, we are running at different speeds. I don't know when's the last time I feel this scared. I am very scared.

If in your life, you have at least fought hard for something that meant the whole world to you, you would know how easily it is to lose something just with a snap of your fingers. But human’s nature is to never feel contented for what they have. Human’s nature is to always want more than what they have. And we lose it all. 再擦伤那一刻，真的会很痛。那种痛甚至可能会让人感到很麻木。但是，伤口总有愈合的一天。愈合之后，就不再痛，留下的只是一道疤。而当你再看看这道疤，你也许也不一定会记得当时是怎么受伤的。反正，跌倒后再站起来，路一直继续走下去就对了。

Other than trying to be a good friend to my good friends, I hope to be a good daughter too. I've always found it hard to be my mum's filial daughter. Don't ask me why, I don't know how to put that in words. So anyway, I woke up and went for breakfast with my mum. This is something that has not happened for ages because I always can't drag myself out of bed on a Saturday morning. After breakie, I went on my own to look for XiaoWei's present and finally I found it. I got her a polaroid camera because she has always wanted a camera to capture beautiful moments but I figured I couldn't afford a digital one for her so I got her an instant one. I guess I really want to make her 21st a special one, at least I want to try. So many things have happened in between and I just want to make up for what I have done wrong last time. I believe my choice will not be a wrong one. Everyone should be warranted a second go at the chance they lost, right?

Lunch with Watermelon and Wintermelon at Pizza Hut. And then I went shopping alone for birthday presents. I do enjoy spending time alone at times, because I will feel compelled to make decisions on my own and so I will settle things fast. Now I have less than ten bucks in my wallet. Hallehlujah. 你曾经为我抚平伤口。你曾经让我相信世上一切美好的事物。但是一切好像就这么短暂。

Suddenly I think back about the video and I feel very touched. I guess I'm a bit slow and thus, the reaction time. Thank you Ohanies, you people are one in a million :)

Yup it is 6.05 a.m. in the morning now and I am blogging. Simply because there are too many things going through my mind now and I thought I need to pen them down now while they are still fresh. It was a good feeling last night, so good that I still find it sweet as I think back about it. I like the feeling whereby all my good friends who never met or knew one another came together and had fun and laughter together. I like how some of you would shake hands and say "Nice to meet you". That is probably one of the simplest yet most sincere gestures. It was like merging all the good people together, and enjoying the company of all the special people in my life. This is also why I kept emphasizing earlier that I intended this to be a friends gathering, because it is a scenario like this that I've yearned for very long. I'm very thankful for people like Ohanies who were so nice to my other friends and for whatever you all have done. (You all know what I mean!) I know I have...

Those who can help with ASPIRE camp please get back to me. I just need one night of your time, 20 Jan 8p.m. to 21 Jan 5a.m. Just one night, please. Take it that you're helping me, a friend, and most of all, helping the students because they need the help.

It is sometimes or most of the time, very difficult to find someone who likes the things you like. But all our life, are we not looking for someone who shares the same interest, the same mindset?

Dinner with Esthers and Tsu today. We were talking about the various modules to take and that's what makes me extremely sian about school. But I'm glad to know I've attempted to meet friends whom I haven't seen for some time. This is how I try to keep to my resoulution for the year. Everyone keeps harping on it. It gets a little pressurizing and.. tiring. I'm free next Wednesday, after 4 p.m. You may start booking now.

Sometimes, it is really that difficult to care for your friends.

I'm two days into the new year and to keep the promise to myself, I went all the way to Yew Tee to meet YH and Maxie for lunch (I clearly know I might just stand him up out of laziness if I didn't keep my word). It is always nice to meet a friend after very long, despite the lack of topics all of a sudden. Maxie is such a darling, he got me (again) Fish's latest album whose cover is very nicely taken. He told me about the matchmaking plot that he succeeded and it reminded me of something I did few years back. It made me realise how much an outsider should never interfere in such things. I ever poked my nose into my friends' business and tried to 'matchmake' them, and even though they got together in the end, things didn't turn out very nicely ultimately. It still upsets me when I think back about it. And so I told myself I will never do such things again. (Don't worry Maxie I'm just talking about myself, not saying you did the wrong thing.) I renewed...

This is my 1818th post on the first day of 2011. I think it's the fourth year I'm spending my last day of the year with the same bunch of people. I think Rui, Maxie and Jason were right about the 12 a.m. moment. You just feel empty right after that moment. And so we decided to carry on with our mahjong game and not do any countdown. I think the company mattered more than anything else. With these 4 years of countdown experiences, I really think I would feel out of place if I were to celebrate any new year in future alone. So, I shall hope that such things will not happen. The 12 a.m. moment was epic, and I had a great laugh. For the second year, we spent our 1st of Jan at Hoagies. Today we spent 5 hours sitting there and talking about everything and anything. It was just nice being with these friends whom I never ever regretted knowing. If there was one thing I had to say about 2010, I would say that it's been a year of dilemmas. It hasn't really been a good year since ...