past.

我的脑子里的思绪乱得像一盘散绿豆。 我最讨厌绿豆了。

There is something very wrong with myself.

I don't know if I need to work harder on this. It's pretty tough. Sometimes I feel I'm coping just fine. But many other times I feel my insides eroding. These days I spend a lot of time alone. While it's good because I am so sick of talking these days, it is scary. The past (including those not too long ago) keeps playing in my head like an old cassette tape. Things were a little too much to take for the brain today it got me quite edgy. I barely hesitated before stepping into Macs for an upsized meal. I had appreciated that meal as a destressor but I immediately regretted it after I stepped onto the scale once I got home. And I kind of got more edgy after that. I thought maybe doing something constructive would help, so I cooked. But I prepared too much it seemed the food would go to waste. Thank goodness there is always YY the neighbour. I packed some herbal chicken soup for him and sent it to his doorstep. The walk to his house was a brilliant one. The evening air wa...

It was a rough night yesterday. Partly due to the cramps, and partly because my thoughts wouldn't let go of certain things. Naturally, I woke up with much angst. I stepped into office feeling extremely lethargic and figured it would be a bad day. B texted and I grumbled about being really tired and down. She got me a green tea latte and walked all the way to my office (15min walk with a lot of steps), passed me the drink, patted my shoulder, and remarked, "Be happier." I really do appreciate the gesture. Because it was one of those times I felt unimportant and needed assurance. I always need assurance. I thought I was going to die from the painful cramps when boss' office called and asked me to take part in the Halloween treasure hunt held by the school. The news sped up the rate of dying. Thank goodness, my other three teammates were so spontaneous they made me very excited, thus I forgot my pain. The badminton session with J and G at night further catalysed the adre...

2014 年 10 月 23 日。雾。 怎么感觉今天这个世界上的人比平时少？明明跟小妹去吃了早餐，很迟才上巴士，结果还是早半小时踏进办公室。 昨天是公共假日。虽然不太喜欢一周中间来个莫名其妙的假日，更喜欢长周末，不过有假日总比没假日来的好。一天二十四小时，我的假日过得相当充实。一大早起床给自己准备了早餐。不算丰盛，不过人嘛，最重要填饱肚子过生活。上了一堂课后，跟小妹吃了令人想忏悔的 KFC 。最开心的是，大众书局正在举行大减价，我买了很多书和玩具给林立老师的小千金。上了另外一堂课，买了点心给老妈，便回家去继续看我的港剧。剧情让人越来越气。萧小姐回大马，没人听我分享看戏心情，好憋。幸好 A 也看，不然我会疯掉。 终于的终于，我决定去跑步。这是很值得鼓掌的好不好？要我去跑步简直要我的命。我竟然命都不要地把自己拖出家门。虽然时间不长，肺活量也是惊人的差劲，不过我还真为自己的一点点毅力感到自豪。做了这件不可思议的事后，我弄了两菜一汤给家人。虽然大家总爱嫌东嫌西，但还是觉得自己活在这个世上有点用。至少我对这个社会还是有点贡献的。 以前总觉得有没有公共假日真的都没差。那是因为以往总在蹉跎岁月，从来不会好好利用时间做些自己喜欢的事。尽管现在并没有好多少，但是已经慢慢体会到假日的意义和珍贵。也许人总要经历一些事，要老一些，才会意识到从前没有意识到的事。这种通过时间才能得到的体会，是任何其他管道都无法给你的。所以时光一去不复返也许有它一定的意义。   时间到了，该做正事了。

I met P today. She is one of those people I never want to let go of. And so, I never told her something I thought I should. Because it shouldn't matter. My issue, it shouldn't matter, because I want to keep the more important people by my side than anything else. Maybe because there was the story of T. And I do not ever want anyone else I know to be hurt in the same way. And so I decided. Always be nice, especially to the people you love. Remember this, GL.

2014年10月18日。 今天下雨了。其实前几天好像都下雨了, 只是一直呆在办公室里头, 看不到外头的天气。我一整天都在追看《使徒行者》，只是花了一点点时间坐在窗前欣赏久违了的雨景。很珍惜星期六早上的闲暇时间，觉得那是一整个星期唯一可以好好安静下来休息的时间。小妹一般不在家，只有星期六中午才回来，所以那也是我跟她"叙旧" 的好机会。 老妈又不快乐了。我带她到球场打了近两个小时的球。她说出一身汗，活动一下筋骨，感觉很舒服。我听了有些安慰。因为我一直不知道还能做些什么让她心情好一点。晚餐时间，她提起他。她说，在的时候觉得烦，不在了却觉得不习惯。我没吭声。但那确实是我这些日子以来的想法。中间并不参杂任何遗憾还是悲伤的情绪，只是一种莫名的"探索"之感。探索的是人的感情的奇妙之处，探索的是大家为什么从来没有沉沦在悲伤里，却又不时地想起。老妈还说: "如果真的好的话，大家一定会很难过。就像你对你的老师那样。" 我有一丝惊讶。因为没想到老妈知道我一直在为老师的过逝感到难过。 这个过渡期感觉好漫长。但我也知道康复这件事本应是不知不觉中进行着的。 我也只能对自己说，慢慢来，比较快。

唔知應該講乜嘢，都唔知做乜。因為做乜都一樣唔開心。好想同你傾下，不過你都好忙，唔想煩你。呢排覺得自己總係冇耐性，做乜嘢都冇心情，只想瞓覺。總有，呢排一直食嘢，唔知點解，就越食越多，結果自己更加唔開心。今日同同僚一起打球，但係都冇用，心情就係咁。

There are still times like this, when I feel a great sense of loss. I feel like talking to someone but everyone's moving so fast. And I don't feel motivated to catch up.

Today is one of those days sam would call it a rollercoaster ride. It indeed is. I woke up earlier than usual because I normally do on a Monday. The bus, however, also reached the bus stop earlier than usual. Unprepared for the circumstance, I ran with all my might towards the bus. The driver was horrible. He saw me sprinting and I was evidently reaching in 5 seconds but. He. Drove. Off. I hate waiting. Especially for my bus because the frequency is mad low. I believe I waited for another 26 minutes before the next one came along and I very grumpily hopped onto the bus to work and it was so packed that I only got more angsty. Thank goodness. Everything got better once I stepped into the campus. I ranted to the best friend and as usual he did nothing but giggled. But that's precisely the purpose of a best friend I guess? It's always all that I need - someone to rant to. Lunch was peaceful with J, and then came LL laoshi and Dr. Ho whom we only just spoke about before they appear...

The radio is playing Faye Wong's Hong Dou (Red bean in English) and it is amazingly soothing for both the heart and mind at this moment. I'm enjoying this peace on a Saturday evening. It feels as if the past few months have been a very long nightmare, thus, this peace I'm enjoying now is indeed a stark contrast. In fact, too much a luxury. And being the paranoid me, I dare not feel too content lest my bubble pops, again. If the past nine months have left a deep wound, I think I wouldn't say I have already recovered. I would be lying. My emotions are still settling, and I am doing it very slowly. One thing I learnt, I used to rush myself into recovering from setbacks but every time, I merely pushed the remnants of bad things to the back of my mind. The result of this, is the same that happens to a wound that is not appropriately nursed. So, I am going to give it time. There are still times I walk on the streets and hallucinate seeing people who have since departed. There...

Letters from Skye  by Jessica Brockmole has been a good read. I probably wouldn't think of borrowing from YY had I not seen him so engrossed in that book during the staycation. I think I really have a thing for epistolary novels. From Ahern's Where Rainbows End  (or Love, Rosie)  to Ava Dellaira's Love Letters to the Dead  to this one that I just finished reading today. I really enjoyed all of them. In fact, I am still regretting having sold my Ahern's book away and I have been contemplating whether to stupidly get another one at Popular because the book is on display like everywhere and that is very tempting. The book is good in that it is a beautiful storyline, the typical one whereby people get what they have been waiting for their whole life. The last page, however, set me thinking that if all these happy endings are far too idealistic. I mean, what is the probability that you wait for someone your whole lifetime? And even if you do, what is the probability that ...

不管是那个每天早上7点20分坐在同一地点折纸的老先生，还是那个总是记得我只喝热豆奶糖份50八仙的女士，又或者是那个款款待人的亚坤老板，我想人人都有一个不为人知的故事。我的故事不算不为人知，因为熟络的朋友大概都略知一二。只是最深处的感受终究无法用言语表达。白雪公主和灰姑娘的故事里都有一个大坏人。坏人最后死了，故事的结尾是大团圆结局。可是我会想，毕竟相处了那么久，真的可以无动于衷吗? 我人生里的大坏人死了，在某种程度上是得到了一些解脱，我却一直在处理一个突然出现的洞孔。我想我比谁都清楚，这个被我自己掏空的洞口从前充满着爱，后来却是被仇恨填满。现在，我还真不知道要用什么来填补。我并不是抱着一种难过的心情在写这篇东西，甚至我今天的心情还不错。只是这些念头一直在脑子里挥之不去，所以需要排遣。 今天打了球，感觉很棒。很久没有好好流一身汗了。