past.

It is a very hot day. Thank goodness the day was well spent. I loved the ramen at Ramen Dining with M, and the green tea crepe and iced tea at Lady M with M and SYX. I am so glad I managed to get X-Men 1 DVD finally and it was the only piece left. It is one of those weekends you do not think Singapore is an overpopulated nation. Now I just need to think about how to shed those calories...

The feeling of ambivalence hardly strikes me these days. Because the past few months, my emotions have been on the extreme ends. Very good, or downright bad. I shall not fill in the details because everything should be tacit. But, these two days, it has been a mixture of the good and the not so. Yesterday I had my last lesson with Mr. Yeo's girl. Practically speaking I feel it is a load put down and in a way I have regained freedom for my Wednesdays and Saturdays. At the same time it is like a line checked on my life's tasklist because it was something I had wished to do after Mr. Yeo left. On the sentimental side, I feel a little blue because this could jolly well be an end to my bond with Mr Yeo's family, or for that matter, with Mr. Yeo. I guess, I don't know but I guess, it is my way of holding on. We all are scared of failing, falling and losing, consciously or subconsciously. I don't know about you. I always need something tangible to hold on to because the re...

I feel that it's a bad year. Things keep coming up. Like last night. It's two consecutive weeks that mum got herself into some trouble. It worries me a lot, especially since I cannot get more paranoid than ever. I keep having this unprecedented fear inside me that I have no idea when it might consume me completely.

Other than the fact that the lady at Mr. Bean gave me warm instead of hot soyamilk, I think it has been a great Sunday. Jiayouuuuuu GL!

It is Saturday night and here I am, typing again. I realise I really derive a lot of joy and calmness from writing, even though I hardly write beautifully because of my limited vocabulary bank. I am thankful today because Saturday evenings are often spent outside having dinner with the family and very frankly speaking, sometimes I dread it because I spend most of the time outside in a week and if possible, I just want to be in the comfort of the home whenever I can. Today mum decided to cook dinner so here I am, very bloated and especially after having finished an apple to make it a complete Saturday night meal. The week has been fulfilling. At work, the workload was crazy but at least it kept me occupied and somehow made me feel good about myself that I could actually multitask very well sometimes. At home, my mum continues to nag about everything in my life but I am learning to take in what she says selectively and am currently doing a good job at it. With regard to life in general, ...

好久没有看电影了。我想这也许是我今天心情比较好的原因吧。真的很想念坐在电影院观赏电影的感觉。对我而言那是很享受很享受的事。我很喜欢阿拓这个角色。因为他不帅, 又有点丢脸, 却很真实。特别喜欢下雨的两幕, 充分带出了开始不愿接受现实和最后放下痛苦重新振作的信息, 完全做到首尾呼应。而且周慧敏第一场下雨的戏演得很到位, 看了有种很满足的滋味。 还是比较喜欢书本。但电影也很不错。

I was really really thrilled to know that my favouritest (not that this word exists but I need a superlative to highlight the reason for my excitement) novel by Cecelia Ahern Where Rainbows End is finally coming on screen. I have loved that book so much that I keep regretting having sold mine. These days I actually thought of picking it up again but I have to go to the library to borrow it. That book is a major reason why I love writing postcards and notes. I look forward to the movie and hope it is going to be a sweet adaptation.

唔知點解，呢排講少咗話。唔係唔舒服，只不過唔知講咩話，更加唔係同邊個傾談。覺得呢排大家都忙，冇人得閑同我傾吓。其實都好耐冇坐低飲飲茶，想想自己嘅嘢 。天天都只係忙圖書館嘅嘢同教小朋友讀書。不過呢排同僚都對我好好，佢哋總係同我講笑。咁生活都唔錯喇，時間都過快啲。但係返咗企就好攰，只想好好瞓覺。而家如果早啲返開，我一定會求得瞓多啲。 今日心情其實都麻麻地，唔係好好，都唔係好差。但我不過都只係想自己嘅生活就咁簡單。往日失去咗太多，而家應該已經睇清楚自己到底要啲咩。就算唔知，但至少清楚唔要啲咩。

In the dream, there were a few photographs. One of which was the one we took with Mr. Yeo when we had lunch with him for the last time. Behind the photograph it was written "my dear students". And I started weeping. The next minute I was in the waking world with tears flowing. That feeling was slightly terrible. And then I went back to sleep. The dream occurred again. This time, more tears. I decided I couldn't sleep anymore.  But I think I know, it's your way of telling me that you miss all of us, Mr. Yeo. We miss you too. 

Just when I thought she was done with being overly persistent, she asks the youngest sister to talk sense into me. That kind of broke me. But I try to keep my cool. A week ago I was so worked up my chest hurt. I decided this time I would just keep calm. I try to think about the casual things that soothe my heart. There is the auntie who now remembers my order every morning. She used to be quite hostile but now she often manages a smile whenever she sees me. And there is the six-year-old boy who takes my hand when he sees me. He is a mischievous one but whenever he speaks to me so excitedly while holding my hand I feel like patting his head. That day I was in mad rush when I bumped into the family of three. While I was conversing with the mother and neglecting his repeated calls, he took my hand and rubbed it against his cheeks to get my attention. While I have never liked kids so much, I think kids should be that innocent. And there is the ever-so-funny trainer who always cracks jokes ...

Mum fell outside the house last night. She sat on the road for a while because her knee was badly grazed she couldn't help herself up. Her phone was inside the car and she had no strength to reach for it. When she finally called me while I was about to turn in, I got really vexed. Not because she disturbed my sleep, but because the last time I heard her cry was less than a month ago when we went out to sea to scatter the ashes. That, was very disturbing. Being the only one who has some knowledge in first aid, or should I say because there wasn't really anyone at home, it was my job to clean the wound. That was quite a bit of blood. And every time the cleansing tissue made contact with the wound, her knee jerked. Her tears flowed. Of course she did, it looked really painful. I had some of that pain inside me too. I don't want to lose her, while I know, recently I have been defying her wishes in a way or another. Friends laughed, as if it was a joke. In all honesty, I don...

你们笑吧。 说我无聊什么都好。我就是难过。怎样?  10年了。好像觉得阿武从来不是我一直很欣赏的那个人。 叫我祝福他? 可以, 但很难用真心祝福。 但我会尝试。 因为他是我欣赏最久的人。 有些东西是在脱口而出的那一刻失去的。 比如沉默。 比如。。。。 所以他们说, 沉默是金。

I have been so busy and tired that I wrote less, much less than any time before. In the past, when negative feelings accumulate and hit the peak, the natural response is to pen some thoughts down. Sometimes it would be a one-liner thought, sometimes a chunk of rants as if I never spoke for a week. Now, I yawn everyday. In all honesty, I don't dislike my job. At all. In fact, I quite like what I have been doing. I like that I am learning and have something to work on. But as a matter of fact, too, I haven't really compartmentalised my feelings which are all over the place. I feel, there are bits and pieces of pain in every part of me. There have been eventful days. I was just lazy to spell them. There was the first singing session with the colleagues last Friday. They are very nice people to be with. But I just cannot be me when I am at work. I don't know why. And then there was a captain ball's practice today. I appreciated the adrenaline. The last time I perspired this...

According to the Chinese calendar, today is Mr. Yeo's death anniversary. Dear Mr. Yeo,  we all miss you.

Hmmm... 今天这个星期六, 天空感觉特别阴暗。 我又坐在星巴克了。 又是苦苦的绿茶拿铁。 因为我实在不知道还有什么治愈的方法。 眼泪一直在眼眶里打转。 我每一分钟都要深呼吸一次。因为这样好像可以收回一些泪, 不至于溢出来。 只是时间久了, 觉得自己满腹泪水, 更不舒服。 近来话少了。 不知道为什么。就真的不想说话。 这使我想起孙燕姿的一句歌词: 原来人会变得温柔, 是透彻的懂了。 我好像还没透彻的懂。 但还能怎样呢? 我好累。 但有时候我并不介意自己那么累。 因为太精神太清醒, 现实会显得更残酷。 用惺忪的睡眼去面对这个世界, 现实好像比较模糊。 模糊, 杀伤力也比较弱。

Really pissed.

The only reason why the frequency of posts has dropped is pretty much because it has been the same thoughts performing somersaults in the head. But the level of hurt has dropped to a new low. You got to believe that time does do the job sometimes, no matter how tough you think things are. Life isn't any easier, but I feel the effect of time on my wound. It bites, yet the pain is lesser each day. It leaves teeth marks behind, but really, I have too many of them all over me to bother counting the new ones. More so when more will come later. I am still afraid of losing. In fact, I never felt more paranoid. Once in a while, like today, some things thought to have been abandoned in the back of the mind come forth. If memories smell, I think the air reeked today, of death, and of fear. There is so much I would like to share. In fact I thought like maybe I needed a listening ear. Yet at the same time I have never wanted peace more than this time.

All the pain began here. I wonder if it ends here too.