past.

It's bedtime. I thought maybe I can type something down if this is the only way out now to clear some things in my head. The nightmares are recurring, which is making me slightly afraid of going to bed of late. But well, as a working adult I still need to sleep so I try to get some rest before midnight strikes. It's just that I wake up occasionally, either tearing or in a state too sober. It sucks. Very badly. Because I have to be bogged down by work for the next twelve hours and inadequate sleep just makes everything suck. To make things worse what some people say aren't very encouraging. I'm pretty thankful though, that the colleagues have been helping me a lot and trying to be inclusive. Work stress is inevitable but contrary to most people's belief, the pile of work to accomplish does not help to divert my attention from certain things. It just makes me extremely exhausted. Still, I try to be optimistic. Again, much to people's disbelief. But really, I am to...

It was a bad night. In the dream there were the people I lost. Everything felt pretty much the same except I couldn't reach them. In the later part of the dream one of my closest friends died. And I cried. When I woke up, I was still crying and it hurt very badly. I think maybe I need to see a doctor. Because really, I can feel that excess anxiety surging every now and then. I am overly worried about losing. People in particular. I really don't know how to put this across. But it just feels really painful and I don't know what else to do to curb the pain. Sometimes tears would come suddenly. And all I want to do is squat in a corner of somewhere so that I have a wall to lean onto and cry. I feel something in myself screaming, but I cannot hear the words. If I can, maybe I can do something about myself. But. everything's muffled. My vision too, very blurred. I just want to run away.

今天下了一天的雨。 本应凉快，但还是觉得闷热。 一直坐在床上，听着雨滴打在屋檐上，听着A-Mei的组曲。 折腾了这么久，没有好好停下来休息过。 现在可以休息了，却又觉得格外厌烦焦躁。 有些事，是时候放下。有些人，是时候坚决不再挽留了。 我仔细想了想这个月发生的事情，再看看我所剩下的。 不多。 不过够了。 好累。 不明白的，我没话说了。

I think I laughed the most today. Not that there was anything particularly hilarious. I think I just tried to laugh at every single thing because maybe that would make me a friendlier person. Because these days I really don't feel like talking. The thing that made me happiest today was the new Singapore stamp design. It is probably my favourite design ever. I was tempted to get five booklets of it but hunger was killing me so I had to rush home for food. Sometimes judging from the way you look at me, I think you know me best. But I'm too tired to even tell you that. Or maybe I'm so afraid of losing now that I don't want to lose you too. For I only just discovered that you have been around for the longest.  Please don't slip away so soon. Please. 

It's going to be Monday again tomorrow and really, I have hardly rested. I have been pondering actually, but I haven't quite found the vocabulary to describe my situation/mood of late. Maybe I have been too exhausted to think deeper. Or maybe it is not necessary. Life, as I have expected, is resuming in the way it should. But perhaps the incident is too recent, we all need time to digest. I never heard from anyone, but I guess we all think about it. After all, we have been staying under the same roof for more than two decades and now, what's left is just dust, which has since been dumped into the vast waters. The scene kept playing in my head. My job that day was to scatter the dried flowers and before I made my way to the bow of the vessel, I turned back to steal a glance of my mum. I think I kind of regretted that action. It made me teary. I don't know what was the song that played in my head when the boat left and the flowers gradually disappeared from our sight. I k...

2014年8月16日。晴。 不知不觉，已经过了一周。 很快吧? 严格来说，今天不是晴天。因为我感受到的是空气中的闷热。 我很努力地让自己心静，因为泰然处之总是比较好的态度。至少我一直是这么认为的。 心中没有什么悲伤，只有很厚很厚的郁闷一层一层地叠在一起。 不知道应该怎么排遣，只有让周围的人让自己快乐起来。 好累。

Dear Mr. Yeo My calendar is still on the July page. Maybe it's because August seems to have passed too quickly that I haven't got time to flip to the next page.  So... he left. On National Day. For someone who wanted to rule the nation so much, this date has to be a symbolic one, right? It was a lot quicker than I thought. And frankly I think reality hasn't hit me yet. Perhaps he had never played too big a role in the house so we are pretty much living life the same way we always did. The only difference is probably... the void inside of me. After all, I have spent the last decade hating him. People ever asked me if I would forgive him, or if I would ever regret if he left. My answer to all those hypothetical questions had been simply a shrug of the shoulders. I mean, who would know?  The past few days were emotionally and physically draining. But the former was a lot more demanding. Since that day I have held back the urge to break down because I know my mum would follow s...

Dear Mr. Yeo I hesitated for three seconds when I saw an incoming from mum during office hours. It reminded me of a scene in the TVB drama Forensic Hero where Bobby Au Yeung's role, Tim, said to Sam that one is always afraid of hearing the telephone ring when a family member is in hospital. When I heard her voice, I knew she just cried. And she told me he was already delirious, and asked me to get ready. I slouched on the chair, stared at the ceiling. My mind was a blank. After work I headed for the hospital. This time on my own accord. The corridor felt longer this time, and dimmer. I wonder why they need so many bends for visitors to get to the wards. If a patient is dying in seconds, his or her family members probably will not be able to arrive in time for his last breath. He didn't look like a dying man actually. At most, skinnier, more frail. The way he slept, it seemed as if he was struggling to live. He was like a familiar stranger taking an afternoon nap. No more tubes....

It's my first day. Not easy. But I'm trying.

Dear Mr. Yeo I had a rare tea break with the dearest youngest sister yesterday and we talked a lot about it. A portion of me heaved a big sigh of relief when she shared her thoughts. I guess I needed her to let me feel less evil. I got myself a soyed hojicha latte and it was terrible. Terribly sweet. Now I am more certain I should always stick to my soyed green tea latte. Shimu treated me to a feast. We talked quite a bit about you. And how you and her got married. To be honest, when Shimu asked me for dinner two weeks ago, I was a little apprehensive because I was afraid she was going to tell me what everyone else has been telling me to do. But she didn't, at all. She listened to me very attentively and I was so worried I would bore her. She shared with me your principles, your way of life, all of which gave me strength. Sometimes I wonder what you would tell me if I had a chance to tell you all these. But anyway,  I am really appreciative of Shimu's goodwill because sometimes...