past.

因爲總是太在意別人的感受，卻沒有人在意自己的感受，所以才弄得自己那麽難過，那麽累。 我要開始不管了！！！

GL, 你一定要加油。

It hasn't felt this painful in a long, long time. I think I almost died this afternoon... Even the panadol didn't work. Nor did walking in the sun. But thank goodness ZZR went home with me. The good thing was he kept talking so I didn't have to. And WW visited. They kept me company for a long time. It was nice of them because I am usually alone at home and some noises can make my room livelier. It was a good and bad day. But I shall just remember the later part of the day...

Somehow I just can't sustain for long...

You know that feeling of having a million thoughts in your head? And then you have already started typing but you end up pressing and holding the "Backspace" key. I think I have learnt. Not to be too melancholic. Especially when I am already an easily made upset person, by the slightest things. I have got over the fear and angst of being judged by people who label me based on my entries, be it those that convey my sadness or simply those that were triggered by a random inspiration of melancholia. Now it is different. I try to cut down because I think to some extent it helps in shaping my self into one that has a positive outlook. I can only say, that I am more or less decided on my future plans. The prospects are bound to draw judgements, which I often fear. All I need now, is to garner all the support and encouragements from the people around me. And they just have to be my mother and my friends. That's all.   And I think some positivity is going to help fend off...

Every time you do something that makes me hate you, I tell myself I must work very, very hard. I must earn big bucks. I must make this hatred of mine propel me forward and become someone successful.

The Sunday Group's weekly badminton sessions lasted nearly a month. Hopefully we continue to do that regularly, because it makes us healthy people. Angie and I spent a good two hours at Starbucks sharing future plans and speculating what might happen in the near future. Marriage, cheatings, scams, and whatnots. Somehow the topics we share among friends change with age. As I shared, I think I am slightly clearer with my directions now. I hope this sense of clarity is here to stay. Because it keeps me strong and firm. And I am no longer the person who insisted on white chocolate mocha frap whenever I sat at Starbucks. I chose green tea latte today. I need a change.

Jiayou!!!! :))))

They say, happy moments don't last. These days, I begin to think that maybe they do. I don't know what's going to happen the next moment, but the past few days I have been a relatively happy person and thus, definitely contented. Nothing in particular took place. I'm just satisfied with the ordinary days that were usually spent with great company. We met YP who came back from the UK some time ago. It was still that noisy group. We spent hours in Bangkok Jam drawing the Sec4 seating arrangement, and then trying to recall the last person whom we had clean forgotten. One day in Sec2, YP had to decide between taking 184 with ZR or another bus with me. 9 years later, she was torn in between again. In the end three of us took another bus together and transited at a common bus stop. It may be ten minutes wasted but I think we all had good time together that night. After all, what are the chances of taking a public transport together nowadays?   Thank you people. I...

第一次听到这首歌，有种莫名的感动。 旋律令人听了觉得舒服，歌词更是姚先生的另一佳作。（这个人总是能够如此感动我…） 喜欢丞琳的成长。歌唱功力进步了不少，风格也新颖。

作词：吴易纬/WONDERFUL 作曲：陈启乐 当真相 不再只是当初 单纯的想像 太多话 从梦想沦落成嚣张的谎话 希望总是伴随失望 只好远望幸福 雪上加霜 想隐藏 挣扎怀疑信仰 烙印下的伤 想抵抗 妥协苦涩荒凉 再勇敢一趟 前往 爱与恨的流浪 狂妄倔强 不怕原谅 谁能和我一样 就大声喊叫 会勇敢很好 让我哭又让我闹 让我能领悟煎熬 想舍就去舍掉 想抱就去抱牢 让我听到我心跳 让我看清我的需要 不怕别人笑 会勇敢很好 让心学会去思考 强求爱有多可笑 傻瓜才会计较 谁付出多或少 谁去讨谁就输掉 谁不要谁就能得到 勇敢的好 想隐藏 挣扎怀疑信仰 烙印下的伤 想抵抗 妥协苦涩荒凉 再勇敢一趟 前往 爱与恨的流浪 狂妄倔强 不怕原谅 谁能和我一样 就大声喊叫 会勇敢很好 让我哭又让我闹 让我能领悟煎熬 想舍就去舍掉 想抱就去抱牢 让我听到我心跳 让我看清我的需要 不怕别人笑 会勇敢很好 让心学会去思考 强求爱有多可笑 傻瓜才会计较 谁付出多或少 谁去讨谁就输掉 谁不要谁就能得到 勇敢的好 勇敢很好  很喜欢这首歌里面充满讽刺意味。反映了一个受了伤的人对爱情怀疑，没有信心，认为勇敢其实没什么好。

Can't help but feel a little upset....

突然间，豁然开朗。 我没有不勇敢。事实上，这是我勇敢后的结果。 但我不后悔。至少我勇敢过。 原来有些事，我已经习惯很久了。

I secretly felt happy to see A and Y talk today. It wasn't awkward, or at least it didn't seem so. It's been ages. Yes it's not exaggerating. At least 6 years? A great feeling of comfort overwhelmed me when they laughed together. I believe that was sincere, and real. A told me about her dream, and I was pretty touched. It's true, some people just stay in this special corner of your mind. As long as there had been happy moments, I guess it's a memory that's worth safekeeping. And then suddenly, we realise the painful moments  don't actually bring about any pain, any more. But the happy moments still bring smiles to our faces, regardless of how long it has been. Perhaps time doesn't change anything. It changes us, enables us to move on.

I am glad I went to the doctor. It's been a while since I last visited the clinic. This time, my mum was with me. While I am already in my twenties, I actually always feel better when my mum or sis accompanies me to the doctor. Ha.

很久没碰啤酒了。这个味道总是让我想起过去母亲夜里的哭泣声。 那是让人很无助很害怕的。

I had my white mocha frap from Starbucks today. Zhi and I felt like two rich ladies drinking expensive coffee and window-shopping on a Friday afternoon. While it was definitely a luxury, deep inside I was still mulling over my job-hunt. It's hard not to think about it. Nothing seems to go right these days. The only thing to do to keep myself preoccupied is to leave the house and do something, anything. More often than not I feel pathetic. I am actually waiting for something that never comes. I was just hoping I could be proven wrong this time but unfortunately, I was right again. I guess that explains why I am not so upset. Perhaps the word is disappointed. I think I am done with waiting and self-wallowing and expecting. So... I need to move on again.   At this point of time, Ah-Mei's song plays. 又被爱伤了一遍，无所谓，当作成长.   TGIF. I had a relatively good Friday today.

覺得自己就是懦弱……

我堅持的 都值得堅持嗎？ 我所相信的 就是真的嗎？ 如果我敢追求 我就敢擁有嗎？ 而如果 都算了 不要呢？ 最可笑的事其實是你什麽都不管而我卻那麽在意。有時候真的覺得自己很可悲，卻又可笑。我竟然可以笨得那麽無葯可救。其實一開始，我不過是選擇之一，而且從來都不是首選。我問了自己無數次，該醒了吧？但我總是心甘情願的繼續呆在夢中，不肯覺醒。這樣很累，真的很累。你，其實不值得。

I found myself looking for that familiar vehicle. To my surprise, I actually did find it, because of that two Marvel figurines at the back of the car. I recognised them, the way I recognised every fragment that has been forming in my head the past one week. Everything brought back a little bit of nostalgia, just a tiny bit, for I am no longer as susceptible as before. It felt like yesterday that I watched the comedy Mirror Mirror. I saw myself eating Burger King nuggets in the theatre, and having a hard time opening a bottle of Coke because I was afraid the release of gas from the drink would interrupt the other moviegoers. All these felt like they happened yesterday. How cliché. But, how true. Like yesterday. After a power nap today, I decided I need to stay strong, and firm. I have been soooo reliant on yesterdays. Then I forgot about living my todays. I am... going to try this all over again.   The headache is back. It's been a while....

Unlike what the heading suggests, it is NOT my first day of school. But I went anyway, for research, for visits, for...fun? Insane it may sound, but I actually miss dragging myself out of bed early in the morning to go to school, and meeting Mic and gang for breakfast before heading for classes. Getting out of bed in the morning after only a few hours of sleep was certainly tough, but dining with those people and attending classes with them were really what made university life all worthwhile. REALLY. I went for one of the classes I attended before, and I really do know that I still want to be a student, much as I should stop dreaming about it. And I still long for meals with my classmates after classes, talking about school, life and whatnots. First day of school today, but not mine. Yet it has made my day. Maybe because there were still some familiar faces around, maybe because I could still roam about in the campus without feeling left out and strange, maybe because laoda announ...

It's raining again. These days, it rains whenever I think of you. How am I to quit rain like this?

It can be very bad a feeling when you are afraid of stepping into somewhere you call home when many times it actually seems more like a war zone. I never forget her hardships while I have my fun outside, really, never. But talk is cheap when it is not attached with actions. And so I try. I try to be the best person I can be these days, making sure I do not make the slightest blunder (I still do...) lest I evoke any feelings of anger or unhappiness. Yet, while I am trying my best, I wonder if this is right. Or healthy. Is it healthy to be extra careful with every step you take just so you do not make others unhappy? I guess that is why my sisters do not do the same. I am the one who plays on the safe side and still does. I have always been the low risk taker. It is NOT taxing on me YET. I hope it does not come so soon. No one knows when this has started, but I think I have been relying on those who keep me sane since. Like the group I meet almost every Saturday/Sunday...

The only thing that makes National Day special is that it always feels like a Saturday even when it does not fall on that day. I guess that is why, it is as war-like as it should be on a Saturday. Well, I have turned deaf ears to everything though because I just wanted to keep calm. I am listening to a1's Grateful and reminding myself so. In fact, I have felt really blessed the past few days. I could not be more thankful for the people who went down for the photoshoot yesterday, I regret that the photos didn't turn out well though. YX stayed up till 5 a.m. to write us short notes which I deeply appreciate, because he came down anyway despite the severe lack of sleep. THANK YOU UNI BEST FRIEND! My sis, who just got her tuition pay, stashed twenty bucks in my wallet, claiming that she must show 'filial piety' for me after all that she went through recently. Job-hunt wise, I haven't heard from any company for a long, long time. My mum continues to nag but I think I am ...

原来跟你沟通已经成了那么累人的事。

昨晚好生气好难过, 瘫在床上, 手机丢在一旁, 结果在难过中睡着了。 今天好开心。都不敢就这样去睡。害怕快乐都被我睡走了。  五分钟前, 外面还下着雨。 我想, 我真的要开始戒雨了。

Really. It was a great day. The day was filled with laughter and joy. Words cannot express my gratitude towards these people who came down specially. Everyone was just so spontaneous! It's been four years. I think I am going to miss these people so much.   Thank you all, I really love you all so much.

我要的是愿意跟我分享一切的人。

Felt good to spend the whole afternoon in a restaurant having steamboat buffet. We hardly find time to do something like this. It was pretty enjoyable. Sitting at the bus stop waiting for a bus that took ages to come was part of the fun. We all need to feel young, before we can't anymore. Pacific Rim was very much a commercialised film to me. I like the thrills and the young Mako who acts really well for her age. The plot is okay, the effects quite impressive. Despite that all it doesn't really appeal to me so much probably because I cannot get over my presumption that it's inspired by other blockbusters, like The Avengers (with the Marshal talking like Nick Fury), Transformers? Jurassic Park? I like exciting movies so I'll say, this one still beats Wolverine. Whatever, it's been a good day. Can't be more contented.

It's been three weeks. I haven't really had an undisturbed sleep all this while. For once after these days I managed to sleep at ease without waking up in the middle of the night and without being forced to get up by my alarm clock. I lay in bed, it was raining outside. I secretly felt that I was a very fortunate person. That is how easy I can be made a contented person. Perhaps, I have found one reason that allows me to sleep well again. I don't know. Over the past one year I have lost the courage to embrace what seems promising. But maybe we should all learn to smile during happy times because happy moments don't last. Good morning. I slept well last night.

Felt like a long time since I told yl so many things at a go. I always like her answers. Maybe I'm just being selective. But it's what I've been waiting to hear...

好久没有独自走回家了。 很少在太阳下山后走回家，因为总是害怕被打抢。(LOL) 喜欢看到黑暗里那一座一座的租屋，家家户户亮着灯，大概正在吃晚餐。 光想象他们围着桌子和家人吃晚餐，就觉得这些人一定很幸福。 潮湿的空气让我留了不少汗，但是整个人觉得很精神。 今天比昨天多了一些些正面能量。 这些日子，很需要这样的正面能量来度过没有工作的难熬日子。

One of the simplest yet sweetest gifts. Thanks!!! :)))

They say, sleep is the best balm for a battered mind. I managed to get to sleep before 2 a.m., something I haven't achieved in the past two weeks. It had to be a deep sleep, for I dreamt of a dream I didn't want to wake up from. But abruptly woke up at 4 a.m., feeling very upset that I was back to reality. In the dream I saw tears that were meant for me, but I know in reality this would never happen.   Good morning. Blessed Sunday.

I'm not particularly appalled by the changes in the past one month. Maybe I am immune to such changes already, regardless of how difficult it is to adapt to them. I do wonder how far we can go, I decided not to pin any hopes to begin with, then maybe I won't feel so upset if one day we just end our journey somewhere. But I still appreciate the occasional meet-ups, albeit in small groups. In fact, I enjoy gatherings like that. I guess we do have a choice, between keeping up and giving up. Sometimes I find myself torn between the two, but have always tried my best to achieve the former. I mean, our friendship goes a long way back.   I feel like I have lived with AhWU for the past one month or so because of the blockbuster that has just ended. Am probably going to miss seeing him on tv for a long time again. Meanwhile, I foresee a really boring life ahead as long as I have not found a job... Caught Turbo today. The good thing about animated movies is that they always en...

After dinner, JH and I visited my favourite NTUC Finest nearby to get a carton of milk which I thought might be able to help me in my sleeping problems. He said to me, "Be fair to yourself." I figured I hardly thought about the issue of fairness nowadays because things have been so unfair it's become so difficult to draw the line. I wished people would be fair to me too, but maybe the first thing to do really, is to be fair to myself before anyone. 心，好久没那么痛了。 我不可能让自己去做一些对别人、对自己不公平的事。 但我知道自己争取过。所以我不后悔。 再也不会了。 不管做什么，只要一直被打击，信心总会有被榨干的一天。 现在我懂了。 也不敢了。

"失败跟现在的状况应该差不了多少吧?"  也许吧。