Unlike what the heading suggests, it is NOT my first day of school. But I went anyway, for research, for visits, for...fun? Insane it may sound, but I actually miss dragging myself out of bed early in the morning to go to school, and meeting Mic and gang for breakfast before heading for classes. Getting out of bed in the morning after only a few hours of sleep was certainly tough, but dining with those people and attending classes with them were really what made university life all worthwhile. REALLY. I went for one of the classes I attended before, and I really do know that I still want to be a student, much as I should stop dreaming about it. And I still long for meals with my classmates after classes, talking about school, life and whatnots. First day of school today, but not mine. Yet it has made my day. Maybe because there were still some familiar faces around, maybe because I could still roam about in the campus without feeling left out and strange, maybe because laoda announced that she just got attached, maybe because the environment just made me feel good and youthful (except the ever-so-crowded deck during lunch hours). I was famished by dinner and had twelve sushi, and was taken aback by my appetite when I mentally counted the number I ate on my way for tuition. I very habitually got my student a drink, an expensive cup of fresh milk with grass jelly from Blackballs today. He looked at the drink in astonishment (because he never tried that flavour) and while getting the straw out of its wrapper, he said to me, "I will treat you back one day, laoshi." I was like, "How about when your Chinese improves?" He grinned very widely and answered, "Okay set." That moment my motherly self suddenly surged and made me want to hug him and reply "Good boy." but I held my tongue lest it became too dramatic. After tuition I rushed home to cook dinner for my injured sister and the brother who probably skipped meals again. There was, honestly, a great sense of achievement because I think I was such a nice person to have whipped up something for them despite being extremely worn out. The day has been more of good than bad, but yup, okay, enough of feeling good about myself.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
I miss talking to you, so much. :( 吴明士
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