past.

Coconut accompanied me to finest. I smiled :) Going to finest always cheers me up. Coconut as company is a plus point. Finally someone is going to catch a movie with me. I'm not alone after all. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YIXUAN :)

Sometimes I wish I know how to say no. Take for example, tutoring Mrs Kee's kids. I don't know why I'm seeing it as an obligation when apparently it's not.. I just need to say no. But I don't know how. It seems to many that it's a piece of cake rejecting her but to me it's damn tough a task. I took like 2 years to say no to being YA. It was slightly easier since none of the teachers has taught me before. But now, it's a different case. It's been raining. I hope it will continue to rain these days so that I MIGHT be able to sleep better... On the average, I sleep less than 7 hours a day and it's killing me. I think it's scary how people can sometimes tell what kind of a person you are even if they do not know you long enough. Is it better not to be too easily understood? Now I want to cry but tears won't come out. 有眼泪都哭不出来，I guess this is what it means. Thank you Nelson, you have been and still are a very supportive friend. I'm glad I ...

Why does everyone disappoint me repeatedly. Or is it because I have set my expectations too high. Now I'm lost, I don't know where or who to place my faith in. I'd love to smile again but I don't know how I can do it again.

I always know that when you trust too much, you will be deceived eventually; but if you don't trust enough, you will live in torment. I wouldn't count myself as having been deceived, but I find it hard to have faith. It can be anyone, the closest person, but I still have my reservations. Maybe too many things have been going through my mind lately that caused me to become paranoid, even cynical. Why can't I, be crude to someone who has hurt me? To me, it is only being fair, even if it means being very childish and insensible of me. I miss the days when Yangce would sit down and look at me in the eyes and listen to what I had to say, extremely attentively. Today, I can't find anyone who will listen to me complete my sentence.. I wonder if it's because I haven't been a good listener and thus, such karma.

Since a few months ago, I thought I have moved on. But apparently I haven't. I still think of you every day and especially every night. I can't stop myself from thinking. Today I passed by the bus stop again. Every time I pass by that bus stop, I always hope to see you there. Obviously that's stupidity. Much as I hate to admit, I still log in to Max's facebook account every now and then to look at your status. Even if I can be happy for the whole day, my mood will change for the worst after seeing your status. Sometimes I really wish every little gesture of yours won't make such a significant difference to my life. Sometimes I wish every little thing you say won't make me lose my rationality. Each time you don't initiate a conversation on msn, I tell myself it's a chance for myself to move on. But many a times I will still whine to myself, how I wish we can chat like we used to during college days. On the other hand, each time you start a conversation, I...

So upsetting.. It's so upsetting that I can't hold back my tears again. Okay. Nope, I'm not going to cry. Why is that while I'm trying so hard to care for everyone's feelings, someone must hurt me? This is so painful.

I have this really strong feeling that my family's falling apart. It's so strong that it instills a lot of fear (can fear be measured?) in me. And for some reason, as I typed till this point, my tear glands are active again. Two days back, I cried. But when I heard the gate downstairs open, I rushed to the toilet immediately to wash my face. I don't know why but I can never cry in front of my mum, or any of my siblings. Alright, maybe even friends. Not that I don't want people to see the weak side of me. To me, crying's not even a sign of weakness please. I just don't like it when I invite weird expressions from people when I cry. My mum will definitely be like, "Wa. 你不是铁石心肠的 lor? 你也会哭 ah?" I remember when I was sec4, my eyes were swimming in tears once and Mel immediately wanted to snap a picture. To others, Guolian is just someone who doesn't and won't cry. Therefore, when things come up and make me really reallyyyyy feel like crying, I will ...

I just want to leave. And never come back. Everything's in a mess. I don't know how to care. Even if I do, I'm not fit to.

Maybe I should count my blessings that I have only one lesson on both Tuesday and Friday. Can't imagine my Mondays from next week onwards..... Anyway, I should seriously learn to switch my mobile off when I sleep/nap. It is seriously irritating when I have to wake up every half an hour because of the message reminder. Shaker fries today :) 原来幸福可以这么简单! BUT, that will mean an accumulation of fats. Jogged after my nap. Haven't jogged in the longest time. I almost died. Trekking anyone? :D saya nak pergi makan malam. Jumpa awak lagi. 都默默地会想很久。怎么样的回答才是最不尴尬的。

I guess I have forgotten how to care. Or maybe I never knew how to do it. Each time I try to show concern, I'm either being seen as crude, nosey, naggy or unreasonable. This is so tiring. Go ahead la. Go and do whatever you want to do. I don't care ok? So sick of it. ARGHH dvaiuhefaeijfqeivadocvkaswifVEDVIJR8GIVAQ9FACSDACJFdnvshfdioga09gvuedavjdaporjaepjgvrfbgjsr

Whatever. Just kill me please. Guolian please please please please please get over thissssssssssss. Don't you dare cry. EDITS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEIWEI :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ESTHER!!! Met up with half of Ohana finally :) Zi Rui I haven't seen you for a month?! Pastamania is yummies especially with such company :) I like my cheesecake!! :DD Good friend Nelson knows me best. He knows I will scroll down even if ...... Oh well. :)

Things are getting tough. Everywhere and everything. It's indeed not an easy task to hit the books again after not studying for 8 months. Can't imagine how the guys are going to cope after their 2-year break! Tutorials, mid-term exams... I'm so not ready, and not getting the momentum right. Argh I got to adjust this in the shortest possible time. I think I need some time. I can't stop myself from listening to the songs. I can't stop myself from seeing whatever that reminds me of the times. 多希望可以坐上小叮当的时光机，回到过去，尽管幸福很遥远，至少它还是完好无损的。 现在还没碰到，它已经消失了。

I can't seem to find someone who wants to catch a film with me. Sadded. My mum talked to me and she was like, "Girl ah, 听我的话，不要这样坚强 hor." Sad hor? Which mother will ask her child to NOT be too strong? Well but then again I know what my mum meant la.. Since I was 7 she's been hoping I will cry more!! I have put you at the end, and till I can move on without looking back. Even if I have to, I don't want to feel any tinge of sadness.

Talked about weird stuff over lunch with Esthers and Lixuan. We are such weird people mygoodness. If you want to have a taste of boredom, come crash socio lecture at NUS. No this is not an advertisement. I can't believe it, my timetable is so packed, on a Monday some more?! I totally don't want to believe it. I'm so going to suffer from Monday blues, no, dark blues, navy blues. Just kill me please. Dinner with Coconut and Starfruit. Our meals were kind of a flop because we didn't quite enjoy. Nevertheless it was great company as always and Coconut the pro jaywalker made the wrong moves once again because of Guava. Whoops? I'm sorry I ruined your reputation but I thank you for not killing me! Once again I'm more afraid of the road now....... :/ Ok I want to search for videos to watch now before I start mugging as much as I hate to.

I'm just missing the days that will never return..

To my lovely kids who are taking O level orals today, ALL THE BEST AND GOOD LUCK :) CNM was pretty interesting! Funny lecturers and engaging activities we had for a start. (Coconut I think you would regret not taking this module if you had clashed my lecture!) Have spent a lot this week and last on course packages and textbooks. They cost a bomb! Like what Peiwei would probably say, "You should have bought a bomb instead." I'm so suffering from insomnia these days and having to go to school is so a minus point. That is why I loveeeee rainy days. Because, that's when I can catch up on a beauty nap :) "GOODNIGHT!" Oh yes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!!!

:( :( :( :( :( :( I am super damn emo now because I can't seem to transfer my messages to my computer :( I have lost my USB cable which makes things worse :( Edits: 湘琴说她放弃了，这个梦好像有点太遥远……

Saya tau jakap sikit melayu :) End of sem project for Malay will include blogging in Malay language! Am quite looking forward! Essential Brews is a very high-class place and so meals are costly. Had our meeting there and was quite fun :) Maybe because of funny peach strudel! (I just realised I have a new fruit friend) Wonder what's the occasion I kept meeting people wherever I go! Okay it's fate. Darren and I were in a cab and Mel walked past. It's like damn funny can. Walked home with Darren and as usual, we talked. Always enjoy conversations like such when we can talk about all the things we are unhappy about even though somehow, we just got to stop and return to the real world.. Even those whom you love so much, they disappoint you too. Yet that doesn't mean you stop loving them. I guess I just got to learn to be a little more accepting... As I look at it, I will still feel upset. Even though it's what I've been waiting to see.. Edits: nelson says (12:28 AM):...

Maybe we should just forget both the unhappy and happy memories if the happy ones will eventually remind us of the unhappy ones. It was supposed to be a picnic day for Ohanies yesterday but..... I don't really know why but anyway we ended up eating our homemade food at Illuma, one of the benches outside some atas shops. I enjoyed YC's cheesy ham sandwich and Angie's Oreo doughtnut :D Angie told me not to reveal this to the public but I thought I should, because when I look back, I know I won't do it again! Yes, we went to JE to meet and then we went to Bugis to eat our food, and then we went to Bukit Timah!!! Siao. Settlers of the Catan at Munch Kings and Queens. I love trading! Suddenly I feel like playing monopoly...... First day of school was... fine. I had a good sleep unlike most of the rest who didn't. The English lecturer speaks in a very strong Japanese accent which sometimes makes me very confused with the words she's using... But I guess it's so mu...

1. A bone above my heart throbbed. 2. Someone reached for my heart and twisted it. 3. A dart shot through my heart. 4. My world collapsed, with splints pressing on my heart. 5. My heart dropped, even though it made no noise, it shattered. Probably everyone thinks I should be happy. Probably everyone thinks I have been waiting for this moment. But really, no. I haven't been waiting for this moment and at times I wished it didn't have to happen. If tears could help piece up a broken heart, I want to wet my keyboard now. But much as I want to cry my unhappiness out, the tears won't come. I really care for you, more than you ever know..

结果还是败给自己的懦弱。

Another slack day. Dinner with chewchew :) I love shaker fries! I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me If telling the truth means stopping you from doing the same, then I have regretted.

能令你去发笑也有用处 我用傻事去捐输 多么蠢的蠢猪 个个也来揶揄 充当不起公主 并没段段艳遇 悠然面对这悲剧遭遇 齐集给了你当笑话书 多么蠢的蠢猪 那胜过条人鱼 即使争都争输 仍然从未怪罪于天主 就当恋爱运很特殊 期望你前来叫我蠢猪 讲爱情暗语 开心多麽简单 要爱有何疑难 不必苦苦支撑 但愿是是但但 谁人自怨说生活艰难 成就只怕要勉强高攀 开心多麽简单 那怕爱人平凡 a餐b餐c餐 原来无论吃甚麽早餐 共你的每日都灿烂 而幸福秘诀太过简单 於好处着眼

Shopping with Esther and Tsu. I got my baggie and Esther got her dress :DD Satisfied! Why should we not be?! Orchard, bad memories. I slept at 6.30 or 7am this morning and woke up at 9am. Wonder why I'm still so energetic and high!

Impromptu lunch with Mel. My dear Mel, please drink more water and enjoy your M'sia trip :) Back to school to decorate Alumni noticeboard and then spoke to 黄老师 about things/people that/who made me damn upset. Since they are so upsetting, I shall not elaborate then. Simple dinner with Darren and Joel but really enjoyed :) Small talks small jokes which made my day. Thanks guys, for waiting for the green man with me. Sometimes I think I just need a friend who is willing to wait with me and not one who teaches me how to jaywalk. Some people ask me why I am still so keen on alumni committments. These two guys are the reason.

I've been having very nice dreams that waking up in the morning has become a torture. My blog song is so well-liked by everyone, 4 people have asked me to send them :) Don't emo! I've been stuck in the house. Really need a breather. Am looking forward to dinner tomorrow :)

Something seems wrong somewhere, but we just don't know what it is. Or maybe we just want to continue pretending. Why is it that I always do something wrong unconsciously... I promise I'm not looking forward to the start of uni life. The planned timetable seems flawless but still, every day's lesson seems to end equally late. And, it's planned. Can't imagine how much worse it can get if my balloting is not successful. Again, time to exercise some Auntie spirit... On a car, music battle.

Dear Zi Rui, you ps-ed me today. You better watch out :) So I left my house and wasted the day. But it's ok, Peiwei gave me a kueh lapis made by her mother. Thanks girl :) I used to want to be a teacher because of all the gifts I will be showered with on Teacher's Day. Now I realised it's not the gifts, it's about being appreciated for what I do :) We went shopping at ... Yes big bookshop. I got my poiful jellybeans yay. IMISSYOU.

Finally met the Ohanies after quite long. Lunch at Ichiban and shopped. Ok I still haven't bought my Doraemon optical mouse because I can't make up which one to buy. To be more frank, I think I just can't bear to part with my cash. Arg. A random visit to my place and I can't believe it... Those 3 blondes could stay in front of the teevee and play WII for so long... Whereas Max Fel and I were racking our brains over which tiles to discard at the mahjong table. Well at least our game was a much more intellectual one :) My luck was just awesome. 4 consecutive victories with more than 5翻 in each game. Zicha at WeiBin's again. I think he's a damn nice guy:) BTP NTUC FINEST. My favourite place:) Please don't say I'm auntie. If I am, then all Ohanies are! Dear Zi Rui, 我知道不管奖金有多么丰富，你一定会停下来扶我一把:) Thankyou!

#5__Joel spoilt. says (1:49 AM): hey man, dont worry yo, its like this u noe, everybody in their own race, rarely people would stop their race to pick up somebody who fell down #5__Joel spoilt. says (1:49 AM): all too busy with their eyes on some prize they dont even know Thank you Joel.

There is something I want to blog about but I don't know what.