I have this really strong feeling that my family's falling apart. It's so strong that it instills a lot of fear (can fear be measured?) in me. And for some reason, as I typed till this point, my tear glands are active again.
Two days back, I cried. But when I heard the gate downstairs open, I rushed to the toilet immediately to wash my face. I don't know why but I can never cry in front of my mum, or any of my siblings. Alright, maybe even friends. Not that I don't want people to see the weak side of me. To me, crying's not even a sign of weakness please. I just don't like it when I invite weird expressions from people when I cry. My mum will definitely be like, "Wa. 你不是铁石心肠的 lor? 你也会哭 ah?" I remember when I was sec4, my eyes were swimming in tears once and Mel immediately wanted to snap a picture. To others, Guolian is just someone who doesn't and won't cry. Therefore, when things come up and make me really reallyyyyy feel like crying, I will still put up with it. Even when I have reached my limits, I will still keep my tears. Sometimes I feel that I've become ironman. I have forgotten how to cry.
Sometimes Ohanies tell me I like to keep things to myself. That is what upsets me the most. I totally hate to hear that. I want someone to care. Not that I don't know that people around care for me. But I don't know why, I always feel alone. I want to catch a film. As simple as that. But I can't seem to find someone who's free to watch with me. Okay, let's just say everyone is busy with their lives. Let's just say I should learn to be more accepting and sensible.
Ohanies if one day you will ever read this, I hope you will understand. I've always wanted very badly to sit down with you all and thrash things out. But talk is cheap. I can't do it. The thought that thrashing things out means having to hurt someone eventually keeps flashing through my mind. But I really love you guys so much that I can't bring myself to hurt you. Just like I can't go against my mum's wishes cos' I will hurt her if I do. Everytime I get high with you guys, I might be feeling very troubled inside me. Behind that happy mask might be a very upset me. But tearing it off doesn't only hurt me, but you all too. That's the last thing I ever want to do. I know sometimes it can get very annoying when I am in a foul mood and start throwing tantrums. I'm really sorry, very very sorry. Sometimes I just need to vent my frustrations at people whom I believe will understand me. If not, I have no idea what other avenues I have.
I just feel that my life's in a mess and I want to get things back in place and move on. I'm sorry if I'm taking a little too long. Trying very hard already.
Two days back, I cried. But when I heard the gate downstairs open, I rushed to the toilet immediately to wash my face. I don't know why but I can never cry in front of my mum, or any of my siblings. Alright, maybe even friends. Not that I don't want people to see the weak side of me. To me, crying's not even a sign of weakness please. I just don't like it when I invite weird expressions from people when I cry. My mum will definitely be like, "Wa. 你不是铁石心肠的 lor? 你也会哭 ah?" I remember when I was sec4, my eyes were swimming in tears once and Mel immediately wanted to snap a picture. To others, Guolian is just someone who doesn't and won't cry. Therefore, when things come up and make me really reallyyyyy feel like crying, I will still put up with it. Even when I have reached my limits, I will still keep my tears. Sometimes I feel that I've become ironman. I have forgotten how to cry.
Sometimes Ohanies tell me I like to keep things to myself. That is what upsets me the most. I totally hate to hear that. I want someone to care. Not that I don't know that people around care for me. But I don't know why, I always feel alone. I want to catch a film. As simple as that. But I can't seem to find someone who's free to watch with me. Okay, let's just say everyone is busy with their lives. Let's just say I should learn to be more accepting and sensible.
Ohanies if one day you will ever read this, I hope you will understand. I've always wanted very badly to sit down with you all and thrash things out. But talk is cheap. I can't do it. The thought that thrashing things out means having to hurt someone eventually keeps flashing through my mind. But I really love you guys so much that I can't bring myself to hurt you. Just like I can't go against my mum's wishes cos' I will hurt her if I do. Everytime I get high with you guys, I might be feeling very troubled inside me. Behind that happy mask might be a very upset me. But tearing it off doesn't only hurt me, but you all too. That's the last thing I ever want to do. I know sometimes it can get very annoying when I am in a foul mood and start throwing tantrums. I'm really sorry, very very sorry. Sometimes I just need to vent my frustrations at people whom I believe will understand me. If not, I have no idea what other avenues I have.
I just feel that my life's in a mess and I want to get things back in place and move on. I'm sorry if I'm taking a little too long. Trying very hard already.
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