past.

Going to school serves its purpose when one applies what he or she learnt in class. I'm doing just that.

I couldn't find the root of the problem. Is there even one? Things just don't seem to go so well these days. And my mood is pretty badly affected. I hate it. I find it even hard to take some jokes that are demeaning because they just make me more inferior than I already am and they crush me. I don't exactly get angry at anything these days. I just. Become speechless and choose to keep quiet about things. I have wanted to find someone to talk to. But. I don't even know what to say.   XH said to me today. 你看起来是个很坚强的人。   I used to think so. Now, I doubt it every time someone brings it up. I have become less defensive of myself. Yet more fearful of judgements. Even though I don't mention them.   Thankful. The mood became much better after visiting YL and YX and NIE. I have missed them as much as I miss the rest. And bumping into HP. (my powers worked again) And sitting at the stone table with my sis sharing with her about work and life. Over the years, she has become mo...

也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街 你才会发现我留下的空缺 没有人能完全填补的空缺 就当作我们不熟练 不够周全 就当作我们追不上 彼此改变 我以为能完美写下句点 时间在后面 遥控了所有的情节 幸福需要的磨练 我们都误解成搁浅 活在想象的明天 忘了今天未完结

I told myself I would never get myself in such mess again. Somehow, I still did. Even if the world is going to be against me on this, I just need one person to be on my side. That will really suffice. And that's simply because I don't want to live my life in vain. On a better note, X-Men Days of Future Past trailer is out. I feel calmer now. Ironically.

I went to the post office this afternoon and the staff at the counter was the one who served me before more than a year ago. I remembered him because he refused to serve a guy who jumped queue then. I was delightedly taken aback that he remembered me too. I mean, he serves so many customers per day but he actually remembered me! I really got to salute him for his good work attitude. Stepping out of the post office I heard Blue's song playing in a shop. It had to be a good day. When I got home I recalled bumping into YY on the bus this morning and something very insignificant he said was very encouraging. To me, at least. Somehow as a result the few discouraging words I heard in the afternoon had hardly any impact on me. On my way home today I counted the good things that took place. Then I felt really blessed :)

今天一整天，手机很静。有种全世界遗弃我的感觉。 但没关系。因为今天这个星期天又下雨了。 我真的很享受一边听雨打在窗上的声音，一边看小说。 这本小说是今年六月买的。买的时候，其实是天真地想从故事中得到一个答案。 结果开始读了前面三、四页，就把它搁在一边。 直到上个星期一，又决定给它一次机会。 故事的高潮很感动我。之前还以为现在已经没有什么故事的高潮能够让心如止水的我有任何情绪上的波动。 你不得不信，有些事，是等得到的。 它需要的，就是一次机会。 反反复复，原来我还是从中得到了一个答案。 好久没有像这样，读书读得忘了时间。 看完最后一页，正好是 23:00。 新的一周，又将来临。 晚安。

词曲：袁惟仁 演唱：张惠妹 你的电话可以不接 我的眷恋不能消灭 他的温柔可以承担一切 只因为寂寞 什么理由都对 感情变成一种累赘 谁都不想再去安慰 你已不是我精神的粮食 只因为寂寞 是每个人的星座 我想这是最后一次 可以骄纵任性放肆 人总是在绝望的边缘 才能看清楚自己软弱的样子 还能够被伤害几次我们剩下多少日子 你在我心里的位置 是舍不得看完的故事 感情变成一种累赘 谁都不想再去安慰 你已不是我精神的粮食 只因为寂寞 是每个人的星座 我想这是最后一次 可以骄纵任性放肆 人总是在绝望的边缘 才能看清楚自己软弱的样子 还能够被伤害几次我们剩下多少日子 你在我心里的位置 是舍不得看完的故事 这是最后一次 可以骄纵任性放肆 人总是在绝望的边缘 才能看清楚自己软弱的样子 还能够被伤害几次我们剩下多少日子 你在我心里的位置 是舍不得看完的故事 这样的前尘往事 我该如何收拾

I was actually expecting a very typical romantic comedy before I stepped into the theatre, only to discover it was one about time travel. A beautiful story, albeit illogical to some. I like how Rachel McAdams never fails to add flavour to a romantic relationship in films. She always makes audiences fall in love with her! The story is almost poignant, but has more elements that touch the heart, and definitely philosophies to be explored. I particularly like the part where Tim lives his life the way he usually will for the first time and then begins to appreciate the things around him the second time round. I am sure, any of us would probably do the same if we had a chance to travel back in time. I pondered. And I thought if I could travel to the past, I would find the teacher I lost and catch up with him more, tell him that he had been so iconic. It is however a shame we only live our life once. But I think we are...

On my way to get my laptop from the ever-so-nice senior Madeline, I bumped into Wei Sheng, and his mum who recognised me right away. I was surprised and at the same time a little guilty for I haven't kept in touch with her. She asked what I have been doing and I shared with her my plans. The first thing she said was, "你行的". That was certainly very encouraging. I remember Wang wang's mother who told me the same and her eyes, so full of support for me. And then during tea break I managed to catch up with chew chew a little. Finally, I managed to share with her my future plans. Chew chew is always the same old chew chew. She supports me in whatever decision I make :) And so it was a tiring day for me but so full of encouragement that I'm energized once again. I haven't met any discouraging people these days but I know that even if I do, I will not sway. Somehow, directions could never be clearer. Even if things are going to fail, I'm so going to try my best n...

Once again, it's been some time since I last visited the family clinic on my own. I always think it's sad to go to the doctor alone. But came the need to do so when there was blood in the phlegm, after all the contemplation to go or not to. Thank goodness the doctor was a pretty nice and funny chap. He asked me if I lacked sleep the moment I sat down on the chair. Was it that obvious? Well. How is it possible not to lack sleep when I get woken up by noises at 4am. Almost. Every. Single. Day? I think I am such a nice person to not have flared up and still don't. Of course, I don't deny that I have been an extremely irritably obstinate mule that refuses to sleep or rest even when I am really tired. I insist on too many things sometimes. Including watching my all time favourite 宫心计 which sadly airs at 10pm; surfing the net on nothing urgent; reading at least 5 pages of my novel before I retire to bed. The irony here being, I see my stubbornness but refuse to change my ways...

不管去到哪里, 总有不如意的事。 有些事, 力不从心, 也无能为力。 无论如何, 都要坚强, 坚定, 坚持。

My penchant for the rain never seems to change. It's been a fulfilling Sunday spent at home. The sounds of an afternoon rain lashing on the panes of my windows. A cup of hot Milo. A book that I picked up from my sister's bookshelf last night. Mitch Albom's The Time Keeper . It was a good read. Can't remember the last time I actually read an English novel (The Bridge to Terabithia doesn't count even though it was another inspiring read). Very thought-provoking and touches the heart. Suddenly I miss reading all over again. And maybe it's time I learn not to measure time so much. 

"Sometimes when you are not getting the love you want, giving makes you think you will." - The Time Keeper

The devil inside me rejoiced and wanted to celebrate almost immediately upon hearing that they are likely to sign the papers soon.   The angel?   Maybe there is no angel inside me? Because from the beginning, there seems to be no signs of it. No response. No sound. Or perhaps the angel gave up on me. For I side the devil every time. There are times a part of me questions myself: Is it right? To be happy about this? To celebrate? Am I too much of a wet blanket? But truth be told, a bigger part of me still cannot help but jumps for joy. Yes, JOY.   It has been nearly ten years. It seems like I have been waiting for this day to come.

傍晚在校园里走走对我来说一直都是一种享受。 近来每当回到校园, 总会在每个角落幻想碰到您。 因为这是过去常见的场景。 然后你一定会说。吃过饭了吗? 走, 我们去喝茶。 这种幻想有些残忍。 因为你已经是个不在的人。 也就是在这种时候, 我才发觉自己有多么不能接受你已经离开这件事。 有时候会想, 是不是我不成熟, 所以不懂得放下。每次重返校园都会有相同的体会。 我想难过这个情绪已经不能用来形容我现在的感受。我只是不能, 也不懂得怎么去接受。 多希望有人可以教教我。

Sometimes I imagine my life story being made into a film or tv drama. I can almost foresee the audience throwing the remote control on the couch and say, "Can it be more dramatic! It's so unrealistic!" Perhaps it's because those are the exact lines in my head. Can it be more dramatic? I used to think that school and workforce were the only places where I need to be involved in pointless rat races. How wrong. I find myself rushing. All the time. Because I always want to safeguard what rightfully belongs to me. So much. Some things, I just can't seem to let go.   And so, if my life is made into a movie, I wonder what the ending will be like. For now, I can only picture the protagonist dead. From exhaustion.

平时闹钟一响, 就会立刻起床去梳洗。 今天, 一听见闹钟响, 就坐起来, 想想今天会不会下雨。 然后就突然想到: 哦, 原来近来忘了想这件事。 那天跟学姐吃饭, 她跟我说, 当你有一天突然想起今天忘了想那件事, 也许它已经无形中慢慢褪去了。 于是我心里有些欣慰。因为原来我并没有很费劲地去忘记就可以忘记了。又或许我曾经很费劲, 却不记得当时的辛苦了。 也许就是因为"忘记"的 "忘" 上面是个 "亡", 下面是个"心"。只要死了心, 自然就会忘。 我不免为自己感到骄傲。这种骄傲不是一种嚣张。是一种正面的自豪感。 离开被窝, 马上来场倾盆大雨。 神奇吧? 我依然喜欢雨天。 但现在喜欢雨天不附带任何原因。纯粹喜欢。就像我爱看电影那样没有什么特别理由地喜欢。 可是我不会再期待。因为大雨来的时候, 我才更享受它给我的冰凉。 也许已经很习惯这样的不期待。 所以才能把一些不再那么重要的人和事, 抛到遥远的脑后。 前方仍有不愉快的事情发生着, 不美好的事阻碍去路, 但我还没放弃。仍然在用自己的方式去追求我的梦想, 去定义我自己的乐观。

There have been ups and downs. And I have never asked myself to stop being angry or upset, because I always believe that life is experiencing all the various emotions. Moreover, it is always after an unpleasant encounter that make me cherish the pleasant ones more.  I was really upset yesterday because two students fought during my class. It was not their fighting that made me upset. I was unhappy because no one except one boy went up to pull the boys apart. Instead, they cheered the boys on and laughed. I felt it was extremely disheartening. But after my afternoon nap, I told myself I would stop thinking about it.  It was a short but good catch up with Wei Xin. She is one friend who never really left, even though we only meet once in a while. Always thankful for her listening ear.  Today, more people smiled at me in school. That really made me happy. I think friendly smiles make people look good and others feel good.   

Wang wang called last night. I knew it was him the moment I saw a long and unknown number. It was certainly a kind gesture, for I had missed this voice. Early this morning, best friend surprised me with a cream cheese with lemon bun and a liu sha bao at the bus interchange. I was of course pleasantly surprised. 1. He knew I would reach at around that time without even checking with me. 2. The buns were yummy. 3. They totally saved my life at work today. Best friend is always the best! I see myself more constructively engaged with work these days and I like it. Some may think I should be contented with not having anything to do because it means I get paid for doing nothing much. But I don't suppose I will be happy that way. I like to feel useful. The upcoming two months will be hectic but I guess that will make me appreciate my break more when it is here. Still trying my very best to make the best out of life now.

非常非常想念读大学的时候, 每当走过中文系的那道走廊, 就会稍稍注意林立老师的门。如果他不在或者不想被打扰, 门就是关着的; 如果他在, 想让同学们知道可以进去找他, 门就会是半开的; 如果里面有学生正在问他问题, 门一般都是敞开的。 今天看到他的门是半开的, 不知道为什么, 心里真的很开心, 立即上前敲两下, 然后等待那把熟悉的嗓子说: "进来。" 看到那位我一直既尊敬又仰慕的老师, 真的。好开心。 五个月没见了! 老师依然精神奕奕。真好。 另一边。 尽管心里充满畏惧, 还是故意走到了中文系的另一道走廊。为的只是想看看门上那个标有他名字和职位的牌。 没想到, 不在了。 牌和人, 都不在了。 以前每当走到中文系, 总是最期待看到两位对我人生影响很深的良师。今天, 却连有他名字职位的牌子都看不到了。 我知道, 地球总不能为了谁停止转动。所以如今我唯一能做的, 就只有把那个牌子挂在心上, 永远怀念他, 感激他所教会我的, 影响我的。 我想以后, 如果再回到那里, 我只会选择走那一道通往一个半开的门的走廊。

This is one of those little little things that drive Monday blues away. I was dying of boredom in the staff room before the very nice YX came all the way from campus to meet me for lunch. Then it was dinner with the ever-so-generous MX. She always treats me to a feast whenever we meet. I tell myself, she is one of those I must never forget when I get a job with a stable pay. I truly appreciate her advice and sharing of experiences which really help me see myself better. I managed to drag my weary body to my tutee's place. Thankful. Such a good boy today.

It always feels exceptionally sunny on days that you abandon me. But I'm pretty sure that I'm beginning to get used to it, or perhaps even like it. I am learning to love all the things that I have to live with (except for some out-of-the-question ones). It is then that I realise there are so many things I can do without. I just need to move on. The past one week I kept seeing figures that bear uncanny resemblances to the teacher I have lost. I no longer grieve. I am just. Extremely numb. I see myself teach my students based on his guiding principles. Every time I come to this realisation, I pause. And feel extremely grateful to the great impact on my life. My student told me today, "If I pass my Chinese this time, I'm going to treat you to lunch!" It dawned on me that it is so important to meet a teacher who can influence you positively. I am still thinking about my Superhero dream and hoping to dream about it again. I guess that is how much I want to get away fro...

In the dream I allied with Hulk Iron Man and Captain America to seek this potion which could cure a viral infection that was prevailing in the human world. Compared to the rest I could do nothing but fly so I had to focus on the search while the rest fought the enemies. It was so adventurous and thrilling. In the end, we found the potion and it was pink. Can't recall the last time I dreamt of a dream that was colored. This has to be the best dream in years.

谢谢你那么爱惜我。 我却不能同样那么爱你。 对不起。

Totally beat. After waking up at 6.15 a.m. in the morning and a two-hour badminton game followed by a tuition session yesterday. Zhi accidentally whacked me in the left face with the racket my tooth hurt pretty badly. So I did absolutely nothing last night and crashed to bed straight. At 11 p.m. or midnight perhaps, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that she stomp into the room and dragged her out of bed and started hollering at her. The choice of words was… Nasty. Crude.  It lasted a while. Then I realized it wasn’t a dream after all. I was really on the battlefield myself, even though, I wasn’t the one who ensued the war, nor fought in it. Things are getting worse by the days. I wonder sometimes if being positive is the right thing to do. It’s like being happy and celebrating the life of a dead person at his or her wake. But it just feels wrong somewhere? Perhaps because the typical or “mainstream” reaction is to be upset. In this case, it applies. Very frankly speaking, I foresee a di...