mist

I couldn't find the root of the problem. Is there even one?

Things just don't seem to go so well these days. And my mood is pretty badly affected. I hate it.

I find it even hard to take some jokes that are demeaning because they just make me more inferior than I already am and they crush me. I don't exactly get angry at anything these days. I just. Become speechless and choose to keep quiet about things.

I have wanted to find someone to talk to.

But.

I don't even know what to say.

 

XH said to me today.

你看起来是个很坚强的人。

 

I used to think so. Now, I doubt it every time someone brings it up.

I have become less defensive of myself. Yet more fearful of judgements. Even though I don't mention them.

 

Thankful. The mood became much better after visiting YL and YX and NIE. I have missed them as much as I miss the rest.

And bumping into HP. (my powers worked again)

And sitting at the stone table with my sis sharing with her about work and life. Over the years, she has become more like a friend than a sister to me. Somehow I like that, and appreciate it.

 

I really, really need to learn to control my emotions.