past.

It was ToTT with Coconut and Starfruit today. I like the cream of mushroom soup which they both enjoyed too. The place is nice and I think it is a good place to shop for presents for newly-weds or couples who are getting married. I still couldn't find the mould I needed so we decided to stop looking for it. We went to Bake & Go and it was fun snapping pictures of both of them making funny shapes from the dough. The cookies tasted nice though. And then it was Cold Storage and Finest which are always our all-time favourite hangout. I think about how near the start of school is and I feel a little sian.

As predicted earlier, I'm aching all over today. Funny enough, we went for a swim today. The water was like iced and I think I spent more time trying to sun tan than to swim laps. I brought my sis along today and after a trip to Maxie's, she thinks that we are like a family. True enough, that's what Ohana's supposed to mean :) Had a mini JC class gathering today with the girls at Crystal Jade. It is quite nice to see these people once in  a while and then talk about the teachers who have once taught us and the classmates who had been classic figures in class. But I don't like to be reminded of college days.

I had tuition this afternoon. Talked to my student about JC and poly and uni and about how I survived JC. I thought it is always nice to share experiences so that people will make wiser decisions. I always hoped to hear advice from others when I was choosing between JC and poly back then. But there weren't really seniors who could offer these advice. After tuition was badminton. We were practising smashing at the end of the session such that my right arm is once again very painful. I know my body is so going to ache tomorrow but I like that feeling because I can always sleep better with an aching body. No I am not crazy. We had dinner at my mum's place thereafter. It's been some time since I last tasted her food and I think I'm quite a failure to not know some of the dishes that she's been selling. Nevertheless I still enjoy her food like I always do once in a while. I bought some groceries from NTUC thereafter and then went home with my sis on a long bus ride. I qu...

曾经，有的人叫我奋斗，有的人叫我放弃。我很庆幸我选择奋斗。虽然还是输了，但也不是不战而败。最后也没有留下任何遗憾。从此我会更爱自己。

刚读完了《一个人的欢喜与忧伤》。每次读完一本书，都会感触良多。这本也不例外，更何况书中的桥段好像似曾相识。但是我知道，很多故事中的情节本来就有重叠的地方，只是结局可以千变万化。这本书的情节跟我两年来的人生好像也有些重叠的地方，但是结局没那么完美。也许这种不完美也不失为一种美。突然间，我有很多思绪在脑子里，想找个人分享。但是夜深人静，又有谁肯听我说些有的没的？我并不欢喜，却也不忧伤。我觉得保持这样的平衡点应该是最好的吧？至少不愉快的事情发生的话，心情也不会一下子从高处跌到谷底。听起来好像有点像是一种悲观的乐观，但我想这样子生命中的忧伤会减少一点，尽管欢喜不一定增加多一些。

This Christmas is merry because of the company. We had all the home-cooked food, and then gathered around the small square table in my room. We had mahjong, card games, movies, all the simple activities that sufficed and made my Christmas a great one. Thank you :) Christmas gifts exchange would have been more fun if YC Fel and SS were around. It just had to be this simple.

I like to read my past entries on special occasions like such, or should I say on nights that feel as quiet as this one today? I read last year's December entries, and I feel extremely pathetic about myself. I didn't forget that kind of unhappiness, I think I never will. But it hardly gets to me these days. It's just that the past is too traumatizing I think it's become too indelible. Maybe, I will never allow myself to be that miserable again. On a much lighter note, it's 25th. Merry Christmas to all :)

Received a Christmas card from Dez yesterday. It was a beautiful card and I love receiving things via mail. Dez is a Singaporean whom I happened to know in China about nearly 4 years ago when I was on an immersion programme with MOE LEP scholars. Both of us never really knew each other's surname all these years but we've kept in touch by occasionally meeting up for lunch/dinner and SMS. Her Christmas cards are always special be it in terms of appearance or the contents in it. This year, she mentioned that she wants me to be happy, and it was when I realised that quite a number of people have written in their cards for me that they want me to be happy. That's, really very nice :) So anyway, I went to stay over at my cousins' place last night. We watched a horror movie and a thriller on the net until midnight and I could tell they quite enjoyed it even though they usually sleep at 9 p.m. This morning I brought one of them to her Sec1 registration and it was still those us...

Well yes my CAP dropped again. I was hoping no one asked but truth is, we humans are often curious creatures so there were still those who asked and told me to cheer up even when that was the last thing I wanted to hear. Then again, I didn't feel all that upset. Disappointment yes but not to the extent of feeling extreme dejection or cry over spilt milk. I can only say this again, that I'm going to work extra harder next semester. Took some time out to accompany Maxie today and I felt it was good even though I had lost my voice and couldn't talk much. Maxie never fails to entertain me. Night hike with the guys and teachers was also nice because there was the kind of fellowship involved which is often the reason why I'm still willing to go back. It's 21st already, Christmas is on its way. I like that.

我真的有努力过.

Rui has flown to Taiwan and Fel to Korea and then YC also left for Indonesia this morning. I didn't lose out because I made an 'escapade' to JB with ChewChew today. I think it was overall a fruitful trip because I ate and got the things I had expected to eat and get. It was wonderful. I'm going to bring Maxie there the next time round because I think he will like the place. And my mum too. I think one day when I get too upset I might just go on a binge there. The food is so cheap (as compared to Singapore's) it's such a waste not to eat there. Tomorrow is the day and I'm gradually becoming more sian at the thought of it. It's as if the roller coaster ride is going up again.

I finished reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. It was a very interesting read, probably one of the most interesting books and genres I've ever come across. The author's way of writing sounds (if read out) very much like Mel's, almost made me think that she wrote the book. I'm embarking on my next, a Chinese one, in the hope that I will start and finish and not start and hang there. This holiday hasn't been very constructively utilized because I've been playing computer games which I find very pointless yet I still play. Pardon me for my contradiction. I want to finish as many books as possible (at least the ones I bought) before school starts. And I'm going to mail my Christmas cards which I have left on my table for weeks tomorrow.

I was frantically digging for something in my box of cards and letters when I began to slowly read them as I tried to recall whom the various handwritings belonged to. It was kind of weird to read the cards/letters from the people whom I no longer keep in touch with. There are also people who have written cards to me consistently and still doing it. There are some that I do not write to anymore, simply because our friendship didn't pass the test. I used to be very persistent or should I say stubborn about things like friendship because I felt that if I really wanted it that badly, I must fight hard enough. But I think things don't always work that day. I thought of what Zhi told me last night about her lecturer saying that she should 'let it go' if her script really doesn't make sense. And letting it go really means saying bye bye to it and not continuously trying to make changes. Indeed, I sometimes don't seem to get it. Holding on to something dear to you so f...

We went to Zhi's school for the ADM film exhibition. I thought some of the films were really good. And I thought Zhi's film is great despite the not-so-good comments from her lecturer. YY and YC make such brilliant actor/actress! This makes me feel more eager about coming together with Zhi to produce our very own movie one day. But somehow or rather, I keep feeling more drifted away from my dream of becoming a scriptwriter. It's as if it's not something possible, something so far away. I don't know. I don't like to think too much about the future. It's too bleak.

Many people asked how my trip was and I thought this is probably the best avenue for you all to know more about my trip to Genting. (Sorry but I am lazy to keep replying all the same content! heehee). The content is going to be really long because it is my first overseas trip with my cousins and so I think I must record in details :) Day 1 Without sleeping a wink at all, I headed for the place where we needed to board the bus to Genting with my family. Met up with my quadruplet cousins who were evidently so reluctant to go with us. They didn't speak a word to me and it was not like I really bothered to too. Occasionally I spoke a word or two to know what secondary schools they've applied for and issues like such. Their answers were always one-word or a shrug of the shoulders. In the bus, the two brothers sat behind my little sis and I. I could tell my sis was trying so hard to bond with them but apparently her eagerness to bond hadn't quite moved them yet. They were ...

Yes it's around 5 plus in the morning and I'm blogging. This time it is really two hours before I leave Singapore. I couldn't sleep since I went to bed at 1 just now. And so I looked through the hundreds of SMSes in my old phone which I use as an alarm now. Quite a few of them brought me back to the good old days and of course there were some that played like a bad song in my head. I deleted all his SMSes (not knowing that I still kept them!). Realised that many SMSes I kept were from Ohana (especially Maxie), Darren, Auntie Rainbow, Cyclops and Bren. And the SMS that I've kept for the longest time was the one SK sent in 2006. Can't believe I've really come this far. Can't believe 2011 is on its way already. I'll be back soon. Love you people many many :)

In another few hours' time I'll be heading to Malaysia with my family, my aunt and quadruplet cousins included. I'm not quite looking forward because I know that in this trip my duty is to help look after my sisters and cousins because my maid isn't going. I really wanted to say no at first, I could have done so with a lousy excuse. But eventually I decided I would just go because I know it's been a long, long time since I got out of Singapore together with my mum and she's always anticipated such a day to come. And so I decided I will be a good daughter for once and agreed to go. Let's hope I enjoy my trip and that I get to eat the food I've long awaited.

Went to the salon with YC and while the guy was doing my hair, I saw this girl, around the age of 5, crying on the seat because she didn't want to have her hair cut. Her sister tried to coax her by telling her it was not painful (because the little girl probably thought it was going to be) and that she would look prettier. I was reminded of how I would also whine whenever my mum brought me to the hairdresser who was her friend. Yet, despite my grumbles, my mum never once gave in. The last time my mum brought me to the hairdresser was when I was twelve. Now I'm so old already I can make my own decision whether or not to go to the salon.

Until I've seen these people do I realise how unimportant they are to me. I guess time is the key to everything. You either pass the test, or you don't. Thank you SK for meeting up today :)

The clique came over to stay over last night. Maxie came too! Max hardly or actually never stays over at anyone's house so I actually feel good that he came over yesterday! He made my day yesterday and today :) It was overnight mahjong with my mum whereby I lost quite a bit of money but didn't feel too upset about it (there's always a reason why I like to play with my mum heehee). And then it was Monopoly Deal cards before retiring to bed. But we were so high! Fel was quite soundly asleep beside me so I had to refrain from laughing too hard at Maxie's jokes. Yet despite all the fun, we missed Angie Zhi and YY many many :) Then it was about 5 hours of sleep before we had our very filling fried rice and chats and slack! Slacking with Ohana is always one thing I love doing. Then we headed for the Bookfest! <3333333 I bought 6 books which were so cheap! I promised to resist the temptation but apparently I didn't try hard enough :/ Then we had Soyato (Fel did I get it...

刚读完九把刀的《月老》。觉得作者的用语很大胆，这是我只能望尘莫及的。但是作者的形容真的很形象，自信却又有自信的资格。读完这本书，我觉得作者有种强烈的宿命论。前些时候芝维跟我说：“现在我相信缘分了”。有趣，但也好笑。因为现在渐渐不相信的人是我。我只是觉得自己被命运作弄，然后我也只能接受这场玩笑。我没有任何抱怨，但我很难再去相信。如果缘分这回事还有什么值得我去相信的，那我只能相信缘分让我们再次遇见，让我喜欢你，但它不让这颗即将枯萎的苗有机会萌芽。也许，没有开始是最好的结束吧？一年前的明天这个时候，我彻夜难眠。一年前的后天，是我最后一次看到你。一年了。时间飞逝很快。但流逝的是人，不是时间。一年了，很多事都不一样了。在这一年里，你快乐吗？我不记得任何快乐时光，只记得一个很难很难度过的难关。我告诉我自己，我不会再回到那段痛苦的日子。一年后，也就是今天这个时候，我很累。我知道我再不会彻夜难眠。因为我的信念都没了，没什么可期待的，所以了无牵挂，自然睡得好。原来我整天挂在嘴边的 "moving on" 并不是也不会是一个状态，它是一个过程。在这过程之后往回看，我发现自己走过了多少路才到达今天这片天地。在这片天地里，我要找回我失去的。它叫做“勇气”。如果有什么人看到它，请记得跟我说一声。我会把它拾回来。 晚安，今夜我一定会睡得很好 :)

Caught this with Chew Chew just now! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ Thank you Chew! <3 I felt it was interesting and Doraemi is really cute :) I love Doraemon best still because with him around, anything is possible :) The things worth remembering about watching this was: 1. This boy came to me BEFORE the movie started and said, "SWITCH OFF YOUR PHONE!" (I wasn't even using my phone I just took it out from my bag) and then he went back to sit beside his father who was playing game on his phone. 2. We were surrounded by kids in the theatre. They were so fascinated with basically everything and therefore made a lot of noises to express their fascination. Kids being kids. But it's okay. I could tell they were safeguarding their childhood! P.S: I can't help but be jealous of my brother. First he got the chance to watch a Man U match live and now he gets to watch MLTR concert. Yet I can't even bear to spend the money to go on an exchange.

When you hear a song and you feel upset, you turn off the music and stop listening. But you cannot turn off the sound that rings in your head. It will keep coming back. Because the greater your fear, the more it will come after you.

Rui Maxie and I went for a swim in the hope of shedding some fats but I ended up with 8 laps, Maxie hurt his leg so he hopped in the pool, Rui completed 30 laps! But it was to no avail anyway, we went on a binge after that. VERY big bowl of yong tau foo for Rui and I each, then it was mango milk ice that we 3 shared. Max had his agar-agar. We went on to buy 4 slices of cake from a new bakery, but we only had a few nibbles. Nevertheless, it was quite a lot of calories according to Maxie's calculation. But who cares? At least I don't. I feel it was quality time spent and I enjoyed it :)

Many times I really wanted to stick to my principles, but more often than not, they died on me, all crushed under my timidity, my diminishing courage. I dare to say I really had some to begin with. But no more, I can't seem to find any trace or remnant of that kind of courage. Everything turned into nothingness, about some 300 days ago. I'm not foolish. I'm just, a coward who got bitten once and twice shy. What does it take to find someone who thinks so much like you?

It's always been a wish to cook for Ohana. And so since Zhi and Angie are mugging for exams now, I decided it was time to make them something to motivate them while they mug. After brunch with Watermelon and Coconut I headed to Maxie's place to start work. Max and Rui did the baking while I did the cooking. Well but like they ALWAYS emphasized, I wasn't cooking, I was merely heating up the food. Truth be told, I didn't cook I guess. It was all the heating up job. And Marlyn helped me fry the spring rolls for fear that I'd scald myself! Nevertheless, it was still a fun thing to deliver the food to the girls :) 3 of us were perspiring so badly, all sweaty and sticky, but I am very sure we were loving what we were doing. I promise I will really do REAL cooking someday! :) Thank you Maxie and Rui for spending so much time with me and delivering the food :) Hope you girls enjoy the muffins that Maxie and Rui were so enthusiastic about baking and the food I've heated ...

Few days back I figured I have been too reliant on my blog. And people have been very reliant on my blog to know me too, such that it sometimes causes some unnecessary misunderstandings or ambiguity. I wanted to stop blogging so I locked my blog. Then I realised I can't do it even for just a day, so I decided I will continue to be dependent on blogging and share some thoughts which I sometimes find embarrassing. Heck it, I've shared so many embarrassing thoughts but only you people read my entries so I guess that's fine. I have nothing left to lose anyway. So anyway, Rapunzel with Ohana half strength last night was a good one. Cartoon films always have happy endings.

Friendships keep changing. I won't say I really made any 'friends' in kindergarten. But thereafter, there have been so many changes. Primary school to another primary school. And then it was primary school to secondary school. Within the 4 years of secondary school there were changes too. And then secondary school to JC. Then it was JC to university. The 2 years in JC were relatively stable and Zhi had always been with me through thick and thin in that two years even though we occasionally bickered over Rui En and Vicki (can't believe it). As we go through the passage of time, the changes seem to become starker. But at the same time, it becomes harder to draw the line. Some may ask, is there even such a need? I don't know. Maybe, there will come a time when there is a need. I'm just curious about why some people can appear in your life when they need your help and then disappear for the longest time after that. Many times I still hope to salvage the friendships ...

别人找到的是归属，我不知道我找到的是什么。

阴。 不知道只是天气阴还是我的心情也阴。但也没差，这几天的心情没有晴过。人就是这样。好像永远都不会满足。一会儿想自由，自由后想要一定的束缚。 我一直在寻找自己。当我有些头绪的时候，却有的人在一旁动摇我。但我知道，被动摇与否，最终是我的决定，最终是靠我的意志力。 这几天全身上下都很不舒服。现在又是头晕。今天就写到这。 Dear friend, the best way to say 'thank you' is to live your way properly. But then again, I feel guilty because I only told you this but never asked you why you did this. It's just like I hope people would try to understand why I am feeling painful and not ask me not to think too much. 根本就是两码事.

The feeling of emptiness still lingers, as far back as my exams have ended till now. Looks like there isn't really anything to rejoice over, albeit I have been counting down way before exams even started. Of course, there isn't anything to be sad over too. It's just that this emptiness is too strong and makes me feel listless all day long. I couldn't sleep at all till 5.30 this morning and I slept all the way till 1 in the afternoon. And then I cried for about 5 hours from watching the last 12 episodes of No Regrets. Next I want to start checking the list of things I resolved to do. Went night swimming with Maxie yesterday and managed to sort some things out. But there are certain issues I just can't seem to straighten out just yet. Well since I can't, maybe they aren't very pressing yet and so I shall cast them aside. This holiday seems short to me and I just want to fulfill what I promised myself to do. I guess, we always have a choice. Last but not least,...

Okay, enough of all the emo entries. Yesterday marks the end of Year 2 Sem 1 and that calls for a celebration as well as a post on a lighter note. I figured this can't be that light after all because I kinda screwed one or two of my papers. Therefore they are not worth mentioning. Period. I'm thankful for the people who have helped a lot and encouraged me this sem, my CH major mates especially :) They are really awesome people. And I think they are the reason why I'm QUITE looking forward to the next sem. It's December. How time flies.