past.

2013. Probably the worst? January Ah Mei's concert was way too awesome.  February I can't believe it. I don't remember a thing. March Interview for CUHK Masters.  April AhWU got together with JP. Zzz. I finished all my uni assignments.  May Taiwan trip. June Officially rejected by CUHK. BUT, I stepped into AhWU's house. July Commencement.  August Depression. September It has to be the most painful month. First it was the demise of an ex-student. Then YY's grandpa, and Fel's father, whom I cried for. Then a family friend.  Then, Mr. Yeo. Like I always say, it's impossible to bring up his name without feeling any pain. Till today, I have not come to terms with his departure. I don't know if I ever will.  October Pretty much just getting over misery. November I lost a best friend. December A good whole month of self-exploration and the contemplation of many issues. By the end of November, I was hoping the year would quickly come to an end. And it's endi...

好久没有像这样, 懒洋洋地来到咖啡厅, 坐在一角喝着咖啡, 看着进进出出的人。我并不爱喝咖啡, 只是喜欢一边喝, 一边观察周围的一切。 我现在的位置, 旁边坐着我以前很喜欢很喜欢的艺人姚文龙。岁月确实不饶人。。。。 上午跟何老师聊了挺久的。他好会看相。真是一针见血。我是很感激的。因为我总是觉得，随着年龄的增长, 要找到肯真心分享人生体验和经历的人是很难的。而这些真知灼见对于没有见过世面的我来说是很重要的。 他说: "别人不爱你了, 你可以用你的方式继续爱他/她, 也可以选择放下。但不要不爱自己。" 于是, 我觉得手中这杯咖啡, 其实也不算太奢侈。

I had one of the most bizarre dreams. I dreamt of P. It has been a few years since she passed on. We were never close. But in the dream, I was holding her face and crying very badly, repeatedly apologising to her. I woke up feeling a little down. I recall how I was angry with her before she left, and I ignored her although she tried to apologise to me many times. Still, I thought it was a weird dream. I tried to google the meaning of my dream and I got the following results... "If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in your life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it." "To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let ou...

Deeply moved today. That's all I can think of, with regard to my emotions of the day. It was a very random and impromptu lunch date with these people. Sitting in Starbucks with a cup of soy green tea latte could only be that enjoyable when you are with a bunch of great people who laugh at the jokes you make, agree with the things you say, or at least listen attentively before they disagree. I got one of the best Christmas presents, the CLIF3 calendar (minus Elvin Ng and Joanne Peh it will be quite perfect a gift) and two simple notes from M and Y. Somehow I was almost moved to tears while reading the handwritten letters because the contents were very similar yet both ended on the same note: Hope 2014 will be a better year for you. I couldn't ask for more for these people really know me so well. The sight that Mr. S hid in one corner of MUJI really cracked me up. But I was more touched than anything else even though I didn't even know what I would be expecting. Then came Y...

Your accusation is so... I don't know. I really don't. It pains me to know investing so much time and genuine care is to no avail. The thought that expectations fail pains me more. Then again, I am so certain this pain isn't here to stay. For they say, how can a heart be broken when it's not even whole to start with? If anything, I think I really have given my all in this episode. Perhaps ultimately, one's actions aren't a true portrayal of one's character. Maybe to you, it is not like this. And so I have nothing more to say. This Christmas was a lazy yet very blessed one. I had enjoyed lunch with a friend I haven't known for long but is willing to keep me as a friend regardless of whatever happened. I cannot be more thankful for this.  I had enjoyed sitting on the couch with the other three at two a.m., discussing the past, the present and sometimes the future. There had been too many incidents prior to this Christmas, thus, the company in the end is wh...

严格算起来，我们认识应该有一年又四个月左右？时光飞逝，转眼间我们也算是彼此了解的朋友。记得第一次喊你的名字应该是在去年五月底的书展筹备日上。那时候的你，笑也不笑一下，冷冷的挥了一下手。当时的我心里在想，往后大概跟这个人也不会有太多的交际。怎知，命运爱作弄人，竟然让你成为我身边的……出气筒。在处理自己的情绪方面有多失败，我心知肚明。但不管发生什么事，你总是那个先道歉的人，尽管你没有错。其实我一直都有小小的内疚。对不起，朋友！虽然这段日子你的人不在，但很感恩你每一天都会跟我说说话，甚至只是一句“晚安”。只是想让你知道，我真的很感激，也很珍惜我们的友谊！谢谢你！ 生日快乐！！！

不知道为什么，今天有种莫名的倦意。 跟姚师母喝了茶，聊了三个小时。话题自然离不开老师，师母几次也停顿了一下，忍着不哭。我没差多少，说到某处，无法继续。但真的，很感激。师母毫无芥蒂地分享了很多，也不忘一边分享，一边强调珍惜眼前所拥有。她是个坚强的女人。坚强之余，又让人感到亲切。真的不简单。坚强背后自然也隐藏着恐惧，但她并没有否认这一人性弱点。所以我打从心里佩服她。我想人最脆弱的时候，大概就是没有勇气承认自己的恐惧。我缺少这样的勇气。可悲。开始时，我真的很害怕跟师母的见面对她来说会是一种伤害，毕竟我们的见面肯定意味着把老师过去的事搬出来说。谁知见完面师母竟然通过简讯跟我说，“Bringing up the past is also my way of healing.” 不知为什么，我感到很安慰。这对我来说，就像是见证了一个奇迹。我的语文能力绝对不太好，我不懂得怎么去表达这种感觉。只是觉得，师母经历了那么多，她甚至说自己像被老天爷从很高的地方拉到谷底。但是。她却那么坚强地让自己复原。她说两个孩子靠她，所以她不能倒下。我很欣赏她这份勇气和坚持。因为真的，不是人人都有。师母最后谈得很起劲，说到一些老师生前的开心事，她笑得很开心。我也希望，老师在天之灵，能够保佑师母有力量去度过所有难熬的日子。 师母告别前，一再提醒，记得健康最重要。没有健康，什么都做不了。她还说，不管什么事，都无需太执着。放松一点，对自己好一点。 不知道为什么，今天会有这种莫名的倦意。 也许听了师母一席话，觉得自己很执着的一些事情放开了，才发现自己挣扎得很累。也很无谓。 师母说，她到今天为止，心里还是有很大的问号，不理解老师怎么会就这样离开。 对于她的不解，我想我可以理解。 除了无奈，我根本不知从何形容这种心情。 所以不管再怎么不理解，也要向前看。

I was my very own postman (or woman?) this year. I managed to personally deliver 18 Christmas cards this year.  To those who received a card with a postage, it was simply because I really didn't know the way to your place! So anyway, it has been something I always wanted to do but as always, procrastination running circles in my head... Finally, I have braved the rainy days and dropped a number of them myself! It has been very exciting and fulfilling. Now I am sure, I have one of my Christmas wishes granted :) So that's one less regret in life? 

Today my mp3 player magically played this song five times. I know it's a sign. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. 长大后也许对于某种感动的东西，一点点都珍惜。 比如……

20/12/2013 Simple lunch with M, ZZR, YH, YK and I enjoyed it.  Before going for the choir concert in which Shaun performed, M ZZR and I had dinner together. We did not like talk much over dinner but I really loved it. Can't remember the last time we actually had dinner together like this. In the cab, I told them things and it was nice of them to listen really attentively. How I miss these two best friends.  Somehow I was very proud of Shaun. I have known him for 13 years, nearly 14. But he hasn't changed a bit. He's not that friend who would think of me and ask me for a meet up but each time we bump into each other, we have endless to catch up on. And so I decided to show my support for him at the concert and I think he truly did great. 21/12/2013 Things couldn't have been more magical. I have always secretly hoped that I would bump into LL on the only bus that passes my house. And I did today! We have to believe, when you subconsciously wish for something badly enough,...

我会告到你坐牢。

好棒的星期四。终于可以松口气，好好休息一下。 下午约了佩贤吃饭。虽然只是短短的一小时，但很珍惜，也很愉快。 很感谢这个小瓜总是把我放在心上。爱死你了！ 学姐又请我去吃好的。每次跟她见面都是她请客。又是开心跟她见面，又是因为她请客而感到小小的内疚。 每一次的聚餐，她都会跟我分享很多，也让我经常激动的心平负许多。 我总是在想，经过大风大浪的人就是不一样，所分享的心得都是很有见地的。 而且每谈了半小时，她就会停下来问问我的健康状况，让我倍感温暖。 真的很由衷地感谢。 她的存在是一件很美丽的事。我希望她会一直那么幸福。 今天好像没下雨。 但心还是很平静。 就算是听到曾经很珍惜很尊重的人在自己背后说一些会伤害自己的话， 它都好像没有掀起一丝波澜。 这是一种麻木吗？ 我倒觉得这是随着时间流逝而得到的一种理解，一种解脱。 对于不太熟悉的人，我不知道自己常是以怎么样的态度对待。 但对于我珍惜、尊重的人，我扪心自问，总是以真诚对待，尽管不是以礼相待。 命里无时莫强求。又再体会了一点点。 于是我，又向前跨了一步。

算是如愿以偿吧。 今天下了很大的雨。 我们的船搁浅了。 尽管不免觉得很可惜，但是还是欣然接受了。 要不是这场狂风暴雨，我不会知道自己建造的船只那么不堪一击。 原本以为注入时间和心血就可以了。 也许人算不如天算吧。 如果天不作美，再怎么努力也只会是徒劳无功。 不过这样也好，因为以后建造其他船只，我会更加小心。 可能决定了这样子，所以今天的心特别平静。 外头的大雨也更加突出了这静。

1. Very heavy lunch with ZZR. It lasted me till supper. 3. Mrs. Y is a nice superior. She really offers me many, many opportunities and gives me the freedom to do things the way I want. 5. Rushed to the cinema with Angie, just in time to catch The White Storm. I have caught three to four films by Benny Chan and I enjoyed all of them, particularly Rob-B-Hood. But I must say, this time, it is really his breakthrough. There is not a single moment during the film that I would look at my phone after it vibrated because I simply didn't want to miss any minute of it. It was climax after climax and the thrills continued to blow my mind after I stepped out of the cinema. I had liked the cinematography, especially that of a few scenes at the start. They were vastly different from Benny Chan's usual style. I really, really liked the scene in the hospital where the three characters spoke one another's most inner thoughts from the respective perspectives. In my impression, Benny Chan wo...

yu guo lei yi geng kyut ding yiu gam, ngor dou mou wa hor yi gong le. ngor cang ging ji wai hai hor yi wan wui geh. dan hai ngor cor zor le. hou cor. cham yat ngor wan hou hei mong yau yan hor yi wa bei ngor ji, dou dai ngor dim cor, dou dai ngor ying goi dim xun. dan hai yi gah dou mm sai man gam dor le. yen wai zao xun man qun sai gai, ngor dou mm hwui ming bak. sor yi ngor dou jut ding, ngor hwui mong gei. zao xun mm hwui gam fai, bert guo ngor hwui si. zoi hau, ngor wan si hou hei mong lei hwui hou ham fok, hou fai lok.

欢迎来到现实世界。 在这个世界里，不是你付出多少，就会得到多少。 好的，我明白了。 我要前进了。

15/12/2013 I met Y today. Had missed this girl a lot and I'm pretty sure, I hadn't seen her for the longest time before today. I still love spending time with her as always, her nonsense sometimes, her amazement at little little things. Time always seems to pass very quickly when I'm with her. She got me a sweet Christmas present and card and I love them so much. Thank you, my dear. It poured. And I was at the back seat of the bus. A long and peaceful ride. I met good friend Cyclops for dinner. I honestly thought it was quality time spent because we managed to catch up quite a bit. He and V got me a Christmas present and I was pleasantly surprised. A very nice friend texted today. And I deeply appreciated the listening ear. Somehow I am beginning to see things in a different light. Aunt Huang passed away. Two years ago today. And I only knew about it today. I hate to hear that. I'm. Such a failure, am I not? Shimu emailed. In her email I could still feel her pain but I ...

有些东西，一开始就不该太卖命地捍卫。因为如果不注定拥有，最后还是会失去。 也许这就是所谓的虚有其表，太认真所以才会输掉。

8/12/2013 I met PT for breakfast today. We spent a good 2 hours in Xin Wang sharing my life stories which she listened to attentively. She is my all-time favourite friend because no matter what happens, she never judges me.  I met Mic and YX to go to the National Museum for the TV 50th anniversary. It was an extremely short trip. We spent a much longer time in a cafe (I can't remember the name) where we vented our frustrations about hypocrites and weird people. I had liked that. Not that I had enjoyed speaking ill of people. I love how these two people are always of the same frequency as me.  I sheltered a lady from the rain today. I like the rain and I also like to shelter people from the rain, thinking they probably won't like rainy days the way I do. She wished me a good day and I guess, I did have had a relatively nice one. 11/12/2013 I had sat in the family clinic for one and a half hours and there were still five people before me. Best friend appeared, drenched in perspi...

突然觉得什么病都病好了。

Wang wang says that pain can become habit. And habit can be kicked. I'm still in that phase. I'm still dealing with pain. And maybe learning how to deal with it. Before that, maybe I should learn how to handle my constant weariness first. I finally consulted the doctor today. And bf appeared out of nowhere. Appreciate your just being there and having a simple dinner together. And for wolvie! Thanks. And so my eyelids are heavy again. Not that surprising at this time of the day. Goodnight.

我好想你。 从前的你。

开始，我不厌其烦地解释。 慢慢的，不论是谁，我都不再多作解释。 因为这样不停地重复，好累。 这个世上，有些事，你不做，也总得有人去做。 真的没人做，你就要去做。 我想好人坏人也一样。 似乎每个人的故事中都一定要有坏人的存在。 否则故事不能继续。 否则不能突出好人的好。 或者可以说，他们自认为是好人的好人。 总有的人，你把他当宝，他把你当草。 这是现实。 真实也好，残酷也好。 并不是所有人可以一直陪你到老。 这颗心，并没有不勇敢，更没有停止跳动。 只是速度越来越慢。 也许勇气已经被无情吞噬。 你不会知道它坚持得多累。 不因为旁人的质问，不因为生活的压力。 只因被不解侵袭。 狼藉一片。 叫脆弱的心怎能不泄气？ 不知道可以撑多久。 仍然要撑。 一开始就没什么选择了，不是吗？

如果快乐和自由是穷人的天堂，那雨天是我的天堂。 站在雨中的我总是可以享受片刻的安宁。 即便也只是片刻。 依然是雨天。依然是那条小路。 可是很多东西都变了。很多东西也不在了。 时间怎么可以这般不留情地过得那么快？ 只是，每当下雨天，时间好像总会和它曾经带走的记忆回来找我。 即便也只是一阵子。 今天坐在餐厅里的我们三人。 让我意识到一件事。 一件事、一个人、一个东西，不一定只有正反两面。 只要站在不同的立场，它就有很多面。 所以尽管你很希望你所在乎的人跟你所看到的是一样的。 好像都不太可能。 真相和肉眼所见，一线之差。 但别人眼里的真相也许一开始就跟你不一样。 我意识到。 却还没勇气去接受。 所以心好痛。 所以好累。 我不知道这样的我可以撑到什么时候。 什么时候会复原。 如果不把那根刺拔出来，被刺伤的人到底是会永远无法复原，还是会习惯那痛？

I had wanted to share that it's been a good Friday. I had wanted to talk about the good things that happened. About the kind staff at Mr. Bean. About the Chinese girl who choked on her words when she was telling me how I answered all her queries but her teacher in China told her not to be stubborn. About the cute new boy who waved goodbye to me through the glass door. About my student who rushed to share with his mother what I had taught him today. About how Friday was good even though I lost count of the times the bone above the heart throbbed. I lost count not because I was carried away by happy things, but because it throbbed almost every minute it would be nonsensical to count. Then came a ridiculous and untimely tsunami. Things got smashed. Actually, I was just hoping, it would be less painful.

Like me, he finds peace in the rain. I am honestly not too free a person. But I visited seven places today. Not any one is of interest, but I visited every with eagerness. I did something which I had always wanted to do. I decided life is too short to wait. It was challenging yet beautiful to do it in the rain. Thanks for the company, best friend. After six years, I finally set foot on sam's block! That alone made me very high. I am so, so exhausted now I need to sleep. But it was a great day.

For some reasons, whenever Wednesday is about to end, I feel less tensed up, more at ease. That is probably the only relief. Now is likely the hundred and eighty-ninth hour that the muscle above my heart throbs. Frankly, I have been walking in the rain the past few days. I'm actually beginning to fear that the rain will soon not heal me. Or perhaps I am the one who has lost the ability to be healed. What makes it more contemptuous is that I am now, down with a fever. Is this getting one's just deserts? Every single day, I tell myself. I am dealing with a phase.

And so, I broke my quarter-life record. 10 hours of lessons in a day. Of course, that too, can only mean that I have no other words to describe my current mental state. Thankful for the food therapy with ZZR just now. For if there is anything I could ask for these days, it is a less active mind in the night and fewer dreams that jolt me up before my alarm even goes off. Weariness. Pain. Workload. And there are more that add to the pile. I keep telling myself: this is the phase. The one I never imagined myself undergoing since... ages ago. Darren said to me today. Be firm. I want to see how long I can last. Being firm.

我都寂寞多久了還是沒好 感覺全世界都在竊竊嘲笑 我能有多驕傲　不堪一擊好不好 一碰到你我就被撂倒 吵醒沈睡冰山後從容脫逃 你總是有辦法輕易作到 一個遠遠的微笑　就掀起洶湧波濤 又聞到 眼淚沸騰的味道

好冷好冷。一个人坐在巴士站的我, 觉得这个世界有些萧瑟。 又或者萧瑟的那个是我。 老实说, 我不过希望得到一些些谅解。 那样的眼神, 在我的疲惫之上又添了一些负担。 介怀, 是因为在乎。 在乎, 是因为你很重要。 所以背起担子的我, 并不是厌倦, 只是疲倦。 我从不打算卸下担子。 只是希望有人可以谅解。可以分担。 否则, 这条路我不知道能不能走完。

And so, after delaying for nearly two years, I finally moved my letters and cards from the box that has housed quite a few silverfish to another one. I love receiving cards and letters. I love going through them once in a while and when I do, I reminisce the good times. Sometimes bad. My oldest letters date as far back as 2000? It is always a nice feeling to reread those letters that more often than not, bring back memories that still make me laugh. Some of them, I realise, are nameless, some of which, the ink has faded thus making me unable to recognise who they were from. Some, I could easily identify the handwriting of the senders from the envelope and of which, I put some aside. While some bring back good memories, some others just do the exact opposite. I have no idea, though, why I still keep them. Maybe I just never feel good about throwing handwritten stuff away.  It's been another not-so-good week. But Sunday has been nice to me. And rereading the letters kind of serve as ...