past.

This post has been on my mind for the longest time, but I got to refrain from posting because it was not new year's eve yet. It is good to look back and think about all the things that have taken place. January I had probably one of the worst birthdays. And I guess this explains why all the more I do not like to celebrate birthdays. But still, I am thankful for those who remembered, and those who remembered that I really hate birthday cakes and birthday songs. If there is anything I can ask for in the coming year, I think I want handwritten birthday cards/letters from those whom I love. February Rahil left for Australia; frequent meet ups with friends whom I was almost losing touch with. March Slight change in perspectives of life because of Modern Chinese Literature module; release of Blue's new track "I Can". April AhWU won Best Lead Actor! May End of Year 2; TingHui graduated; work at Book Fair and knew a bunch of fun-loving friends; Eurovision and Blue came in 100...

十二月三十一日。晴。 四年前，起点从这里开始。

There is always one song that I like to use to describe my year. This year, my song of the year is this song. Not because my year has been perfect, but because this one line aptly tells it all.  Hedley - Perfect Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie And as long as I can feel you holding on I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong I'm not perfect, but I keep trying 'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave Was it something I said or just my personality? When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me You thought that you knew I'm not pe...

十二月三十日。晴。 倒数还有四天。

I had a wonderful Friday with Mic. Thanks for the Christmas/New Year gift! I love it very, very much!!! Feel so loved today.

After meeting a friend today, I kept wondering, have I been a dutiful friend? Can a friend ever be dutiful? If yes, then I think I haven't been one, and actually I don't really know how to be one. But I do wish I had tried harder. Could it all have been my skeptism that is holding me back in being nicer to people around me? I think I would really love to chuck this bugging skeptism aside and start to trust, yet the fear of being deceived often engulfs me. I remember at the start of this year I made a new year resolution which is to be a better friend. I am not sure if I have achieved that because it is up to my friends and not myself to judge. But if anyone were to ask me if I myself think that I have fulfilled this resolution, I would say I have tried very hard this year to be nicer to my friends but I have not been the nicest that I could have been and I do not think that I have fulfilled what I resolved to do. I think I will keep trying.

While I would love to create new memories, I am really afraid of doing so.

At least I know that he did not forget. He remembered. I should stop being so judgemental. Argh.

Singapore has no winter and I am not a Christian. But I have always loved Christmas. Christmas is the season of sharing and giving. I like to prepare Christmas cards and wrap presents for my friends and think about the kind of surprise they will get or smiles on their faces when they receive the cards or presents. I do not even have to receive any cards or presents because giving them to my friends and sharing what I have will make me a very happy person and that alone is enough. I have had a very simple yet fun-filled Christmas eve yesterday and I am very thankful for that. Thank you for the company people, and for the very lovely gift Yanli! And amazingly Maxie granted me my Christmas wish a few days ago at the Christmas party. Santa is so kind to me this Christmas. Thank you! Such a blessed and contented Christmas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scgFBIek36U&feature=related 曲:饒善強 詞:姚若龍 如果聽實話 只會更傷 寧願將你的謊話 當作善良 反正結局是這樣 曉得細節又怎樣 想好聚好散 完美偽裝 可是被你的擁抱 擊潰眼眶 不願成全 不想原諒 但自尊太好強 最怕舊情人 像憐憫 的眼光 愛的太逞強 無論多眷戀也不乞求不勉強 不愛我的我不想 講的灑脫卻感傷 總是愛的太逞強 怎麼你竟讓我不能忘 不能放 痛 還想 戴上了墨鏡 隔絕目光 然後戴上了耳機 緊貼悲傷 到人群裡去流浪 也不一個人在家 越苦的情歌 越要敢唱 回憶最滿的地方 坐一晚上 不要埋藏 才能釋放 雖然痛會很長 愛不會留下 太容易 療的傷 愛的太逞強 無論多眷戀也不乞求不勉強 不愛我的我不想 講的灑脫卻感傷 總是愛的太逞強 怎麼你竟讓我不能忘 不能放 痛 還想 —— 萧亚轩 《逞强》 This song has a special tune and very good lyrics.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. People, things, unfinished work, incomplete resolutions. Yet when I come to this page to want to blog about all these, I realised my mind is a blank and I simply do not know where to start or what exactly to say. No doubt it is the holidays but I have been feeling unsettled for the longest time. Some scenes keep replaying in my head like an old casette tape. There seems to be so much to expect but I do not know what. I guess I really need to calm down and sort out my thoughts. Maybe some real me-time will help.

是我所托非人.

He forgot our date. Oh well.

http://youtu.be/MAWonHM7nI4 作词：張樂聲 作曲：林倛玉 天还没亮 回忆一直醒在身旁 向着月光 才能背对拉长的伤 绕过多少 用遗憾筑成的墙 才会义无反顾飞翔 什麽眼神 会让你对上就不忘 哪种情感 会让你湿润了眼眶 爱一个人要多勇敢 谁不曾经历过失望 很多时候我们都一样 路或许很艰难 相信就有方向 试着把脚步放慢 看看身旁爱你的人的目光 梦或许未点亮 却总是能给人希望 失去让人成长 也更懂得珍惜对方 生命中总有些过往 会让人一直回头看 也是种温暖 —— 石康鈞 《另一種溫暖》

Like many others, I think I did not really sleep well. I woke up at 8 a.m., but pretended to be sleeping (even though I was alone in my room and so the pretence was for myself) because I was trying not to acknowledge the fact that results were out today. But I could not take it anymore so I decided to look at my phone... No new messages. 9 a.m. 1 new whatsapp message. Mic Chai: Hey GL. Hope your results are ok. Just asking out of concern :) we are all very concerned abt you. No matter what happens, you have our support ok! 9.30 a.m. No new messages. 9.45 a.m. I figured something was wrong with my phone so I switched it off and on again. 4 new messages. 1. NUS 2. Yanli: My dearest Guolian! Good luck for results!!! <3 3. Eric: Good luck for tmr! 4. Eric: ................health is most important!!!! 11.30 a.m. Nelson: How r u? Feeling better today? My point is, yes I am thankful for an improvement in my results this semester, but I am definitely more thankful for my fr...

我真的很想相信努力和成绩是并行的.

Yes I feel very ashamed of myself. Even when I was rushing to the toilet to throw up, in my head I was thinking about the reason for my dieting. I despise myself for my stupidity. I despise myself for breaking the promise that I would never return to my old ways but I still did. I promise I will never diet for anyone anymore.

I like to read my archives once in a while to reminisce old times or encounters and it struck me that I have not really been updating 'decently' of late. Why I said 'decently' is because I think I have been (or seemingly) very emo in my entries. Yes of course I am entitled to that but I think there are a lot more to share, especially with my friends who will read all these and who care for me. So I think what follows will really be nonsensical (as my heading suggests) but, not that it matters right? They are for reminisce sake anyway. Last Wednesday Sentosa and dinner with uni girls. I felt it was a great day spent. Last Thursday 1. Badminton game, a short one and I am already looking forward to another game soon. 2. I finally planned a dinner with Ohana (after eons long). We watched yet another thriller at 1 a.m. and it was so horrible that it made me sleep at 6 in the morning. Last Friday 1. Went shopping with Janvin after work. I seriously love shopping but I really ...

伤心过去我无力逃跑

你语气是轻的 但意思我懂得 你转身雨季就来临 有什么洗不干净 对你是对的 再牺牲到底不值得 趁现在友好的分开总是好的   为何有了勇气还是不够 握紧的还是都放了手 摩擦里一点点一些些 消失了相爱的理由 也取笑过他们为何爱不持久 这一刻我才晓得 忘记比思念长久 我一个人走 自由了但要往哪走 我相信你人是好的 但那爱呢 为何有了爱却还是不够 到了手还是都松了手 生活里一点点一天天 没发现牵手变对手 难道压力在推 我和你才扣紧手臂 抵抗后疲惫 反而后悔 —— 梁静茹 《给从前的爱》

Went to the beach with uni girls again (although I just went 3 or 4 days ago with the guides). I had a great time talking to the girls. I like how they care about how I am going to cope with next week, especially when I do not think that anyone else bothers, anymore. Thank you girls, I think I needed the release.

“感情这东西挺奇怪的，你可以挺随便地就喜欢上一个人，可你怎么也不能随随便便就爱上一个人。” “只是这深刻的记忆夹杂着痛苦，痛苦使人不得不抹去一些记忆，不小心地，就把不该抹去的也抹去了。” “人就是这么个东西，犯贱，永远都追随着那些自己认为美好的东西，有时候嘴上说放弃的，其实潜意识里还是在追随。” “你要是不放下，你就会失去重要的东西，孰轻孰重，你不会不知道吧？” “有的东西模模糊糊的也挺好，人活得太明白了就累了。” “青春已逝，少年时代的悲伤、痛苦、难过，都过去了。我们曾经那么深刻地爱过一个人，为了种种的原因没有跟他在一起，我们为了他开心、伤心，但是这些终究会过去。最后的最后，我们会找到另外一个疼我们爱我们懂我们的人，牵着我们的手，走过一生剩下的时光。 当我们走过风花雪月的年少，我们就可以不再悲伤。 我忘不掉你。也请你，不要忘记我。” —— 夏柒月 《还要走多久，我们才能不悲伤》 终于把这本书读完了。 也不知道是这本书的内容特长，还是我读的速度比平时慢，就是读了很久，很久。也许是花的时间比较多，感觉整个人都融入故事里去，随着主人翁的情绪起伏一起开心、伤心、感动、无奈。 读的时候，我脑子里想着很多东西。很难不想。 “有时候嘴上说放弃的，其实潜意识里还是在追随。” 就是这句话特别深刻。 我现在突然觉得自己很失败。 这么久以来，我最失败的不是在于我放不下，而是我不愿意放下，不舍得放下。 我还是天真地抱有一线希望，所以在潜意识里继续追随。 真不知道自己跑了多远。还是在原地踏步？ 还要跑多久，我才能不悲伤？

我总以为我可以潇潇洒洒地继续我要过的生活，但每当我的生活忽然出现任何有关你的人和事，我的人生又会再次像被海浪冲击过的沙城堡。 是，就是如此不堪一击。 两年前是这样子，两年后还是这样子。这是什么暗示吗？ 我其实还真的有点害怕。 害怕历史重演？ 真是令人纳闷。

I think I am hyperventilating.

I finished a book last week (or the week before) and forgot to talk about it. I think Janet Evanovich's Full House was quite a good read. I found the front part boring as the romance between the protagonist and her mate was too cliche. However, the story later was rather thrilling as it brought me to the climax, very much like on a rollercoaster ride again, like how I felt when I read Ahern's Book of Tomorrow. That is what I like about reading books -- get out of reality for a while. I shall embark on my next soon.

  wishlist.   

不知道为什么，今晚就是有想哭的冲动。

我曾经很想把你当作生命中一个比较重要的人，但现在你让我觉得这世上多了一个我不能相信的人。你让我更加相信不是每个人的话都该放在心上。 虽然我不知道你为什么这样，但没关系，我会渐渐习惯的。 这世上本来就不是谁没了谁就不行的。 哈。

December always gives me a sense of insecurity, and uncertainty.

两年前的今天，我应该在兴奋。兴奋着我们晚上要一起看电影。那是我们最后一次一起出门吧？ 一年前的今天，我应该在悲伤。悲伤着结局竟是如此。 今天，我好像在遗憾。遗憾着留下来的回忆就这么多，所以每年这个时候，我都会重返原点。 每天都不一样。也许明天我就跑回终点。 http://youtu.be/2i1sQh8WxrY 除了想你 除了爱你 我什么什么都愿意 翻开日记 整理心情 我真的真的想放弃 你始终没有爱过 你在敷衍我 一次一次忽略我的感受 我真的感到力不从心 无力继续 这感情 不值得我犹豫 不值得我考虑 不值得我爱过你 这种回忆 不值得我提起 不值得想起 不值得哭泣 这段感情 早就应该放弃 早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹 这样的你 不值得我恨你 不值得我为你而坏了心情 我决定不为你而毁了心 放弃爱你 —— 梦·飞船 《不值得》

在爱情的游戏里，谁先爱上谁，谁就输了。

Some people, they are different today, as compared to yesterday. They may not care the way they used to, they may not abide by the principles they used to preach. Will you love them all the same?

人都是贪心的，总是越要越多。

I am glad I chose to take a bus home just now. Had quite a bit of quiet time and thought about the people I miss these days. And all the past. I was looking through the SMSes that I never deleted and I came to this realisation that most of the messages I kept are from this particular sender and this person really makes me laugh, even now that I look at the messages again. 17 June 2008 (on a random night): Hello girls I am here to teach you all how to get what you want with guys. ;) This is a traditional method used by the 后宫 so proven effective. Just remember the sentences below and you will definitely succeed. 一哭二闹三上吊. Good luck! 13 August 2008 (when I was in a dilemma whether to make a confession to Sam): Haiyo. Go la! Just imagine next time dun need steal watch him anymore. You can just look straight into his eyes! (Imagine that!) And you can touch him whenever you wan. Caress him everytime you see him. :-o sounds like A rated show le. Aiya its all or nothing la lian. You dun ...

Many times I wonder who still cares.

That's right. Today after seeing my favourite lecturer, I was so excited that I almost ran into the fire exit door. I guess these days, such are the little things that I derive joy from. If not, I have no idea what other things I can be happy about. I have not forgotten what Yanli said about being happy at least once a day. It's just that the line between happy and unhappy becomes so blur I have problems drawing it. The twist of events every day happens so suddenly I do not have the reflexes to grapple. All I know is I am seeking understanding because I am not understood, no matter how hard I try, even trying to be the one to understand the situation myself. What has gotten wrong, really? Trust me, I am tired. Really.

我努力过了，我也很累了。 就是怎么努力都不行。 是我不够努力，还是努力得不够久？ 我很累了。 真的。

It was supposed to be a happy day. Maybe I should be glad, the day is over.

     疯了.  

跟花姐聊了一下，得到几个结论： - 逃避是短暂的方法，但至少是个办法。 - 不需要急于回到原点，因为原点或许是终点。 -如果不懂得如何释放被压抑的情绪，也许逃避一下也是好的，总好过面对了又头疼不知道怎么解决。 原来我每天也都在等待。 女孩子有时真的很傻，总是认为有奇迹这回事。 我到底是要证明给自己看，奇迹真的会发生？还是奇迹是拿来哄小孩的？ I am half done with what I have been thinking to do this holiday and it is only four days into the break. I like how these two days I can wake up not to the sound of my alarm but naturally. I am going to interview 林立老师 on Monday! I love holidays. Life has been quite good as of now.

Actually I had fun last night, and sometimes I really do wish that things will always be like that. But sometimes not everything is within my control. I think many times I have many things to say to many people. Maybe just a simple 'Thank you' or something. But I do not exactly know what is holding me back. Shy? Pride? Shrugs.