past.

Life's always full of surprises. It's too unpredictable sometimes it scares me. Don't say you won't blah blah blah because you never know what will happen. Saying is always easy. So many things went through my mind. Funny, I found them. Sad, I found them. But yeah, that's life. I'm still learning how to get used to a different life. Not adapting, and not so soon.

A very tiring day. No idea why. But surprisingly, I didn't nod off to sleep during Chem lecture. Lol. Been a good girl. Finished my work before I reached home. Off to sleep in a another hour's time. Night!

Skip school to go shopping sounds like something that only a bad girl does. Oh no, it's not true. Because if it's true, then I'm a bad girl! =xxx Alright, went HQ with Jiemin to hand in our forms. Man, the fees are 120 bucks, not twenty. LOL. Fortunately, the school is paying for us. So, that's great. And then it was late lunch and went to buy Zi Rui's birthday present. See? I'm not motivated to embrace my homework yet.

Sunday, used to be the day I looked forward to most. Not because school starts the next day, not because I get to see my friends the next day. Sundays are special, all special because of our friendship. However, today, next Sunday, the following Sunday, the remaining Sundays, I will probably spend them with other people, other friends. Yet, despite having to change the way I spend my Sundays, it's time I move on. I'm contented to realise I have not lost both of you. I'm confident our friendship will stay strong. Thanks! My past Sundays were special because of both of you, because of our friendship! (: Loneliness has replaced the joy in my heart. Nonetheless, for the first time, my feelings were returned(: Someone kind of made my day today. It was short, but priceless! So I shall listen to this person. SMILE! (:

From the day we came together till the day we parted, I had been very happy. I had a lot of fun and laughter. But these are given to me by all of you. The outing to the beach was the most unforgettable and the birthdays we celebrated, every one was a special one. I have ever grieved over the loss of one of us. But because we managed to stay the way we were, I picked myself up anyway. Yet the worst still had to happen. Regret for doing the wrong things can be tempered by time; yet regret for the things I wanted to do but never did is inconsolable. Maybe it will be in a day's time, maybe it will be a month, maybe it will be a year. All I need is time. I will have to wait for it to brutally wash off everything. The sooner, the better. Nothing really lasts. The happier we are, the shorter the moments. Must we then search for unhappy moments? Or should we stop being happy? It's all the same.

Actually had so much to say tomorrow. But what's supposed to be cancelled is cancelled. I shall erase from my mind what I have intended to say. I have managed to survive 5 days of school this week. That's, amazing? Ha.

I knew it had to happen but never thought it to be this soon. No matter how I can accept it, I can't help but feel totally down. Perhaps they are feeling worse than me. I don't know. I'm not them. I will never understand what they are undergoing. If anyone was to know, I might be thought to be crazy. Because I actually teared while trying to type this entry. Maybe 'lost' is the word. I don't have the slightest idea. I just don't feel in place. Whatever it is, I really have no wish to search for the root of this problem. I'm not supposed to be involved anyway. Everything stops here and yup, it's even harder for me to believe in 'forever' now. Thanks for being my sunshine in the year 2006. No matter what, both are you stay as my good friends and, please be happy. ni men yi ding yao kuai le.

I think my blog still looks better without a tagboard =D Yesterday was kind of sway. Pei Sin and I were running late for school already yet the bus had to break down. We alighted the bus and started running to school. While running, the bus was actually back to normal and the uncle drove off. Grrr. HOWEVER, Pei Sin and I were in time and so, I still keep my nice record - NEVER LATE FOR SCHOOL =D I really enjoy GSC lessons. The teacher is fun and the subject itself really interests me. Returned to CT today and talked to Mrs Gan and Mdm Fan. So, finally a decision made. Yup, I have decided to stay on in JJ, for a simple reason. I know what I want already. It's nice not just because I know what I want, but also because I know I can afford to let go, I have let go.

Finally a visit to the doctor. He prescribed so many kinds of medicine that I think I can set up a pharmacy. Not to attend PE lessons for 7 days. Is that a consolation? Haha =xxx Okay, I had my cough syrup and I'm dozing off. Night. zZz.

I really enjoy spending my Sundays with Angie and Ying Hao, sometimes Zhuang Wei! Yup, so it was studying again today. STUDYING seems to be the surface, I don't know! =xx Shucks, I'm not liking Maths anymore. Maybe it's because the topics I'm learning aren't A-Maths! ;D I'm not sure if my mum has fallen behind the times. I just feel that she's drifting further away from me and I fear that a war will break out soon. Oh well, God bless.

Went to NP with Angie. The school's so BIG can?! LOL. Not only that, the different courses seem interesting too. And most importantly, there is Chinese Studies, which I guess will interest me most. Still, it's a tough decision between JC and Poly. Saw him there. But perhaps, our fate came too late. As much as I tried to move on, my thoughts are always drawn to the past. And my memories are aided by places and things, even songs. I'm a step nearer to letting go, and into a painful pit.

When your day's meant to be bad, that's it. First, I told my mum I was going to the library after school but she didn't believe. Still, I tried to make my way there but then, I took the wrong bus and ended up at somewhere near her workplace. So she saw me while she was driving home and called me, hollering. I told her I took the wrong bus but she didn't believe. Anyway, I still got to the library and started doing my tutorials and assignments. My mum called and asked what I was doing. I said I was rushing my work because it's due tomorrow. Sadly, she didn't believe me again. Okay, I have said my piece.

Why must we quarrel all the time? Must I only devote myelf to one thing? Can't I commit myself to areas that interest me? I'm hating my life.

My day has been very occupied! :D First, it was brunch with Angie and Ying Hao at LJS where I received my birthday prezzies from them. They kind of came in a pair. Haha. Then went to library where Zhuang Wei joined us. Caught up with my Chem and borrowed two books to prevent myself from rotting at home. =xxx I wanted to get something but didn't know where to get it. So we tried IMM and TADA! Went in and saw it! Lucky me! Ate some junk food and walked around before we headed for JP. Saw Jia Hui and Teck Sing on the shuttle bus. Yup, walked around again. Because that's what bored people do. =xxx I still miss the studying days and the days the whole bunch of us went out together. Well, it's okay. Because we have a date coming up! A movie with Angie, Ying Hao and Zhuang Wei and another two movies with Melissa! ;D

Spent the whole day sleeping. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep. Does sound like something. Ha. Everyone seems to be afraid of getting results. But I'm anticipating. I can't wait to know if I can qualify for JC. I asked people around, is it happiness or future that is more important? Happiness refers to poly while future refers to JC. But I thought about it and learnt something. No one knows. No one knows what will happen. Studying in a poly doesn't mean I will be happy. Yet studying in a JC doesn't mean I have a brighter future. One thing for sure, I don't like studying and I can't study.

Dinner with Shirleen, Kexian, Kai Xiang and Kwan last night. They were the first few as well as last few to wish me. Haha. It was yet another ordinary day but many surprised me because I never knew they know my birthday. Wonders if the wish will continue in 2008.

St John's Island is really beautiful except for its toilets. Nevertheless, the two days spent there were great although the rain was heavy. SMs were a fun bunch to be with. And yeah, we are SMs, not SMS. Spending these two days with Melissa, Benedict, Zhuang Wei, Salih, Tat Lin, Jun Rong, Shawn, Pei Yi, Fang Hui, Kristin, Sing Chun, Lu Xuan and Jian De on the island is really an unforgettable experience. The campfire was such a failure to the SMs because we were hardly involved in it. However, BBQ was definitely much better, especially when I had people to sing songs to me, Shawn to cook food for me and Hui Xin to bring food to me. Kai Xiang and Kwan went to my doorstep just a few minutes before the midnight clock struck but so sad, I wasn't at home. Really felt bad about that but at the same time, thankful that they actually bothered(: Yet, a birthday could always turn out to be worse than an ordinary day. When you feel the pain.

Are girls really more sensitive than boys? If it is so, then I share Nicolle's sentiments. From the back, he looks the same. From the side, he looks the same. From the front, he still looks like who he was. But his heart, his character, I don't know. Tickets selling in CTSS today. Not too bad because many teachers bought the tickets from me secretly. Lol. And dear Shirleen, Sheena, Kexian, Xiu Ying, Felicia, Si Pei and Yilin were very supportive. The Guides are.. almost hopeless. Thank God Miss Lee has allowed pumpings now. I pray hard everything gets back to normal soon. I'm tired, please. Can I just end it once and for all.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face. You told me how proud you were, but I walked away. If only I knew what I know today, I would hold you in my arms. I would take the pain away. Thank you for all you've done. Forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes I wanna call you, but I know you won't be there. I'm sorry for blaming you, for everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself by hurting you. Some days I feel broke inside. But I won't admit. Sometimes I just wanna hide, 'cause it's you I miss. And it's so hard to say goodbye. When it comes to this, would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do, to have just one more chance, to look into your eyes. And see you looking back. If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've be...

ASPIRE'o7 Camp training would not have been a torture if I wasn't aching everywhere. The way Jun Rong, Fang Hui and I walked up and down the stairs was really hilarious but yeah, we know one another's pain. HOWEVER, I still ought to pat my head and praise myself because I have lost 1.5 kg in these three days!!! Wonderful! *applause* =xxx But to be more realistic, I realise I'm not liking JC life and I don't think I will grow to love it. As each day passes, I'm more certain that I want to enter a Poly much more than a JC. Unless I qualify for NJ, I really have no wish to go on in a JC. But I'm also aware of the fact that my mum won't accept that and to her, there is no such thing as I can fight for my rights and make my own decision without seeking her consent. That's not the matter. I, myself, don't even know what I want.

Back from JJ camp in advance because of camp training tomorrow. Was not really the best camp I have been to, like what Mr Leow said. However, Alex, Alicia and Mei Ting are definitely the best camp leaders I have come across. And I guess that's the reason why I cried during JJ night. =xxx Oh yeah, I have a story to tell. On the first day of the camp, I got to know this new friend called Kimberly. She told me she was from Dunman Sec and she was a Girl Guide! She's really sweet looking and I enjoyed chatting with her. So somehow or rather, we have played together, eaten together, and even bathed together. She's been so enthusiastic and I really admire her spirit even though all of us were so worn out. And then, here's the thing. I had to leave the camp for home just now. Kimberly took my hand and pulled me to a corner, and then said, "Actually I shouldn't lie anymore." So I asked, "What? You're not a Girl Guide?" She replied, "No, I really ...

It's been so long since I was unhappy for more than 7 hours. But still, I calmed down and realised it was nothing much. Perhaps it's PMS, and when cramps are killing me. Yeah, school starts tomorrow and everyone asks if I am ready for school. What exactly is the definition of 'ready'? Get my bag packed and uniform ironed? To be mentally prepared for the hectic JC life? Or to enjoy the first 3 months in JJ? I can only say 'I don't know' because I'm not prepared for any mentioned above, except I have packed my bag and got my uniform ironed. It's a new beginning, but of a paradise or a living hell?

Finally, it's a new year and like anyone else, I do have new year resolutions. 1. Everyone, especially my Mum, to be happy. 2. To be true. 3. Told that person already, but I know I was foolish, because I told him even though I know he wouldn't reply. Well, haven't tried sleeping so late for quite some time already. 3 a.m. Yawns.