past.

It's the surge of ambivalence to know you're easily made the happiest person by one so dear. It's not the best feeling I can get, but I should say I'm slowly improving given the fact that it's a mixture I'm feeling now, rather than the very extreme side initially. Jealousy is no longer a barometer that measures the depth of how I feel, nor my insecurity. It doesn't even measure anything, anymore. Maybe the conventional yardsticks previously were on the wrong track. It's kind of amazing to see my life flip a hundred and eighty within these couple of months. It's been half a year. Through the passage of time, I've aged and learnt and perhaps, changed. What else can I say other than 'Thank you'? By putting me through the tests and hardship, you've made me a stronger person. I hope I'm really stronger. Because I need all the strength I have to tide over any tougher times. I thought last night was one of the best nights with Ohanies, t...

Once again.

很久没有打华文字了。最近也没什么看华文书了，都在读英文书。但是用华文字书写总是能够把一些感觉和想法更贴切地表达出来。这也许是用英文字书写所不能给我的。我觉得自己用两种语言书写，感觉上完全是两个不一样的人。Anyway, 这一个学期真的过得很辛苦。纵使已经结束了，但更艰难的日子也正在临近。明天成绩就出来了，我真的一点光明都看不到。今年已经对自己有很多次的失望，不想有多一方面的失望。如果心诚则灵，我希望观音妈、圣母玛丽、耶稣、大伯公能够保佑我。我真的很怕。 有些事真的很想去做，但都不可以。因为我已近答应自己不可以。 你不在的时候，我好像没那么想念你。但你在的时候，我却好像很想你。到底是为什么？ Maybe it's true we shouldn't always put judgements into everything for a start. I was actually thankful to have gone for dinner with Rahil and co. that night. It was really a high and fun night spent with the crazy people like we always were back in the old school days. Right, and tomorrow's the day. Fast, isn't it? I'm more scared now than I was last semester. To the extent that I so much want to jump onto my bed and snuggle under my covers, then think that I can run away from reality. Simply because I know my standards. I can't see any light at the end of a tunnel. Even if there is, it's an oncoming train.

It is always nights like this that will drive me nuts. The scorching climate makes another minus point. I feel like reading Letters To Sam again. But I'm afraid it's really not the time. I should avoid it in fact. So I shall go back to the book which I've been at since just now. I rented it yesterday and I wonder if I should just purchase it. The book cover is really nice. But, never judge a book by its cover. Haven't I learnt? HAPPY BIRTHDAY QIMEI.

I just finished Man and Wife. It didnt have any major climax but it was a peaceful read. I think Man and Boy is still my favourite, probably because it's one of the first few novels I ever read. I still feel dreadful about what happened earlier. I shouldn't have lost my cool. Who knows what came over me, I blasted at the lady. And as soon as I did I felt a stab of regret because clearly I know it was probably not her fault. I think I'm losing a lot of patience these days and this is downright terrible. I don't know what to call my day today. Maybe it shouldn't even be rated. It's just unpleasant, like everything's out of place. I'm beginning to feel the coming of a high tide. Hopefully I don't get swept off my feet. It's such a challenging task to stand firm and steady on life's slippery grounds.

I'm thankful to have met Ce today:) It's been 16 months since I last saw her. Still, like she said, it's as if we catch up on a regular basis, because we didnt feel that we haven't seen each other for long. I guess it's a good thing, because that only means that we still have endless topics as always:) I really do miss the good old days when we would fantasize about all the nice things in the world, motivate each other to work towards our dreams, even if what we could see at the end was perhaps just a negative futility. I wanted to feign illness today to skip a day of work but I really woke up with a fever and a bad cold. I shall not educate on the moral of this story since it's evident enough. Quote Sunshine boy: Mind over body. I didn't lose track of time, I just got lost in it, which sometimes is a good thing?

Simply because it's hardly possible for me to forget that we've shared so much, even though we haven't gone through a lot. And I ever said, there's a reason why our lives are attached in a way or another. Even if you're going to think I am not sincere, I can only say, I genuinely care, as much as I hope I don't.

The swedish meatballs didn't taste that awesome after all. I think dreams are always the nicest. When you awake, you realise reality doesn't really always tally. I, With A Chance Of Meatballs today. This is the first and last chance, perhaps. In all honesty, I really, really want to go back to where we started from, even if everything does not change. But I know I will just think about it and not act.

This is probably the longest I've ever taken but I know somehow it will end. Work starts again tomorrow but it's the last week so I'm going to hang in there! Can't wait to take a long break. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CE:)

I knew it. Saturdays are always so hard to get by.

It was really good game today. I feel blessed to play with Ohana girls after so long. Nevertheless, my leisure inclination of late has tilted towards a very home-based setting. After work everyday, I will be so beat. So instead of going out, I'll rather go home right away. There are never-ending videos on youtube to watch. There are books on my shelf waiting for me to finish. There are very thrilling wildlife documentaries on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays 9p.m. I don't mind becoming autistic if I get to enjoy all these luxuries in my very own comfort zone. I think this is really what I can call a good life. I have work, I have enjoyment, I jump onto bed and sleep after all these mark an end to my day. What more should I ever ask for? Don't be greedy.

There she goes once again The ghost of our love, it's making me shiver It's only small drops of pain, But even the rain can turn into rivers Thought I'd be safe, living behind this wall But the pressures too much, and it's starting to fall So how do I get over you How do I survive living half the life that I knew How do I get over you? When you take away Everything i held to be true I wonder if you feel it too, do you? Everywhere that i turn, there's something there Something to remind me When i sleep it's alone, still i reach out As if you're beside me Tried to move on, tried to find something new But everything that i did Is something we used to do I don't find it that apt anymore haha, is that some good news?

I wish I was among the audiences, doesn't matter where I stand.

Today's workload was madness. But it's okay, I like to stay in the office. The environment is still so unfamiliar (what an irony, to think I've studied there for 2 years). I think I'm so autistic. But I spoke a little more than usual to people today. Yuanlaoshi was nice to ask Bailaoshi to lunch with me, for fear that I would skip lunch. Bailaoshi was nice to accompany and tell me so many things I never knew. I managed to get a ride home in Mother's car. Afternoon naps are a luxury, especially when you are working. It's almost as good as a bonus. I made my way out to meet Auntie Rainbow, Sunshine Boy and Rain. WM library is kind of pathetic I think, not many books that appeal to me. Sunshine boy made us cubecraft and I have another Doraemon to add to my collection:) We spent quite some time looking at the CDs on sale. Sunshine boy and Rain were recalling the childhood songs while Auntie Rainbow and I just stared at them like we were deprived of childhood. I like...

There are really times I try very, very hard, but still fail. And that explains why sometimes I give up trying. I'm sure everything works both way, hardly one-way, right? Okay, I've decided not to think about it because I know there's always a reverse side to the reverse side:) Work was fine because yuanlaoshi, as usual, didn't want to overburden me when in actual fact I feel it was not a lot of work to do. I watched Bren YT LX and Chai play soccer. I stood on the synthetic field. For a moment, I missed PC lesson. Yes I think it must be the sun (but anyway it rained after that). We bused down to WM in the hope of finding my Dewberry. No Dewberry at Shop&Save (I've always preferred NTUC) but found a very similar one to replace it. I'm reading the book at a faster pace now, it's getting kind of interesting. Can't wait to start on my next 3 books too. Crap, I think I'm typing like EH CHRIS! So paratactic, once in a while hypotatic. LOL. I thought I ...

It's been so long since I last took a therapeutic bus ride as long as an hour. I finished listening to the Blue's songs in my mp3! :D I think it's a luxury to indulge in old school tracks after not listening to them for a long time. It was a long day today and I'm glad I've survived. I felt a teeny weeny tinge of pain or sadness when YC passed me the book. I guess that's because we both (no not she and I) have the book and yesterdays are already so far away. Oh well. Like I said to a friend yesterday, I'm feeling neutral about life. It's ok it is not getting any better. Sometimes being stagnant is good because you don't feel so painful when you fall and not too thrilled when you rise. Life is nice this way when everything stays at point 5 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Finished 《交换星夜的女孩I》 on my bed last night. Actually I dread reading books that come in parts! My excitement and anticipation were gradually built up, and then I realised that the second episode is not even out yet. What a spoiler -.- I think I must quickly finish Ahchew's Man and Wife which I'm already halfway through. I always thought I would spend half of my awake time in front of the television after exams. I was wrong. I did anything but watched television. Shows that dramas these days don't have much appeal. To me at least. But I do enjoy lying on bed and read a book. It's just that many a times I put myself in the story and become too affected by the ending, be it happy or sad. It's considerably a short day today. Yet I'm so drained. I came home and collapsed on the bed for nearly three hours. Can't imagine how I will survive in days to come when the workload piles up. 白老师 came over to my desk today and said, "年轻时拼搏固然好，但也要为将来保留一点精力。”I don't con...

I'm never going to do it again. Because I have a lot of other better things to do. I'm so busy. I'm so occupied with never-ending work. Life is wonderful. I miss Blueeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

That's right, last night was a LOUD day out with Ohana blondes. Sizzler was a little too costly for us but thank goodness the standard matched up. (Nevertheless it's time I start saving up!!!) I think Koi Garden is a nice place to take pictures. We had quite a crazy time over there. I never really knew there's such a brilliant place of serenity in City Hall. Maybe I need to explore Singapore more. I've decided to give up on both G11 and the polaroid camera. Perhaps it's not time yet, and they are not classified under 'Needs'. I'm only left with 3 packets of the very yummy Dewberry biscuits. I think I must replenish stocks soon because they are supposed to last me a day at work for another 2 months. Goodness, they do taste great! I forgot to text Mel this morning. Sorry Mel! Please have a safe and fulfilling trip. Sorry Ahchew and the rest for ps-ing you all today :/ A day of junk food and inadequate sleep yesterday. I'm finally sick today. But the co...

I do feel quite tired of trying to keep up with everyone. It makes me a very lethargic person, severely deprived of sleep. It's like I never get enough sleep since exams started, and then ended, and then work started. I never really rested. It's as if I waited for decades long for this weekend, only to realise that my weekend is packed too. Of course I'm glad to know my friends are excited about going out with me when I'm finally free. It's just an irony that my free time is not free after all. Really, I feel that I'm going to die soon. My mind has never shut down since who-knows-when. Trust me, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just making random rantings :D Anyway, finally met up with my long-time-no-see bf. I think he was trying to make me mention him here so he treated me to KFC for lunch! (Happy now?) He was also SUDDENLY so nice to take the same bus as me. Isn't it scary?! Gosh, Ohanies, I bet you people are shocked lah. I guess not everyone receives...

It really feels quite lonely in that small and neglected cubicle. And people don't smile back when you smile at them. How sad. Well, for the sake of money, I will keep holding on! I went to the library to read a book after I knocked off from work. I almost dozed off while reading the 7th chapter and I decided I would just borrow the book and walk around first before meeting Chew and the rest. It was nice to bump into ahRu at the library! She accompanied me to Pop to ransack the shelves for Blue's VCDs! :D 3 for $10 leh. Of course must buy right! I got 2 anyway :DDDDD I haven't met her for a year or more. Miss her so much! Dinner was expensive but time spent with Chew Mel and Tsu made it up:) I got my very very nice blueberry biscuits! YES! I'm using a new Doraemon mouse now! I love it because it's so nice to click and cute to the MAX. Thankyou Chew and Mel!!! <3333333

你躲在哪里，我找不到你。 爱碎成回忆，我对不起。 It's such a lovely day. Let me start off by wishing dear Maxie a veryyyyyyy HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :) Seriously, I feel like I haven't seen you for eons. We must go and party when you're back! After a talk on finance with WB yesterday, I decided to give up on my Canon G11. Feels a bit too far away and it really isn't a necessity. I know I will feel damn sian whenever I see it around but I think not all dreams have to be achieved, right? And also, I think I will give up the idea of going for overseas exchange programmes. Well, I'm sure there are always opportunities. There are bound to be some little regrets in life I guess?

I woke up at 6a.m. today. It was like waking up as early as 5.50a.m. to run behind you. The bus ride. The bus stop. The corridor. The PE porch pathway. The two classes on the extreme right. Those were the days, I never wanted to let go. Now that they are back to me, you're gone. And will never come back again.

Everything was kind of out of expectation (okay not like I expected a lot). -I didn't take 99 in the end because I was running late. Cabbed instead and the driver kept betting with me that the school gate would be open when I told him it wouldn't be -.- -I think I'm really a cynic. I think everyone was so nice to me that I felt it was too good to be true. -It was quite a slack job (for the time being maybe) that I dozed off! -I thought I would feel nostalgic and explore the school but I was too hesitant to do it. I can only say that the school seems to be better now and takes into consideration the welfare of students. -Mrs. Chan didn't recognise me! I actually forgot where the toilet is. Gosh. Went shopping with the two blondes and had quite a great time. But spent quite a lot too. Thank goodness I'm meeting my finance consultant WB tomorrow! Crap, I promise myself I will quit my drug consumption (Starbucks) for a month! Starting from... tomorrow! (Because I drank ...

Can't believe my short and pathetic holidays end here. How I wish I don't have to report to work tomorrow. Going back to a place that I've lost touch with for nearly 2 years is surely unfamiliar and queer, especially when, certain parts of the school hold certain meanings. I want to continue to rot for a while more actually. I need to prepare myself mentally. Everything's in a mess.

I must be. I skimmed through my archives again. Not too far back, just started from December 2009. It was interesting how the truth gradually built up and got revealed eventually. I actually blamed myself for doubting when it was in actual fact the truth. As a matter of fact, it really killed me. I was revived but have not fully recovered. But I do believe it's a matter of time. I'm really, really too weak. And, too lousy. I did try adopting self-fulfilling prophecy but apparently it didn't quite work. For me, at least. I feel like I haven't seen Ohana for so long. I miss you Maxie. And of course the rest. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEZ:)

I know I have to. Because I'm not supposed to trust anyone except myself. It was good time spent with ahchew today:) I kinda miss walking around aimlessly even if it means not buying anything (but I bought something lah). That's the niceness of holidays. But I start work on Monday. And I hope they don't exploit me.

As the heading suggests. Thank you. I've always hoped that I would see her blog something about them. Fact is, when I finally saw, I think I didn't feel THAT good. I'm okay. And to be most honest, I'm happy that this time I can see she's really serious about him. My worries earlier were extremely uncalled for. But I know, like Zhi said, I am really someone who really can't let go. I never fail to let those thoughts disturb me. I know that when I report to work on Monday, I will be reminded of the scenes and fake coincidences at the pathways, corridors, bus stops, wherever. I might even be reminded of the times when I told her about him every morning. Who would have expected this day to come? It's so much like a plot in a storybook. Classic? Well perhaps, though I really wished it never happened. The reason why I am so afraid of the end of exams is because I'm so afraid of having nothing to keep me fully occupied that I will keep thinking and feeling upse...

I'm going nutsssssssssssssssssss. I woke up at 11 -.- That means I slept for barely 4 hours? And I couldn't sleep anymore. I hate it. My throat is not well, again, because I don't sleep enough. I tried to read 流波上的舞 to hypnotize myself but I finished the book. It was a good read but again, the ending, I thought, could have been more perfect. But yeah, if it's too predictable then it won't be interesting already. Going to start Albom's book next!

Time check: 7.20a.m. I finished watching DWL already. My emo mood shot up to 10. I'm going to bed now. Good morning:) 你不属于我.

Time check: 5.30a.m. Another 3 more hours and that will mean that I haven't slept for 24 hours. I think I'm mad. On the way home just now, I was on the verge of crying. To make a long story short, I felt that this period had been rather tough. I am utterly disappointed with myself for not having tried my hardest. I've taken everything too lightly. Bren is right, I should shelve those thoughts. But I never really did. I waste my time on things I shouldn't. Why can't I spend more time on better and more constructive matters? Like now, I am not even sleeping yet. Honestly, my white chocolate mocha did wonders. I am not sleepy till now. I am still thinking about things and I think I can't sleep anyway.

好甜. 她终于等到了.

This semester makes me think through quite a lot about my life. What do I really want? What can I really do? Studying till 2a.m. and then not understanding or remembering the concepts still. How am I supposed to get on with my life with an attitude like this? I really wonder. I know it's not me to give up. But faith without action is bullshit all the same. I know that I haven't tried my best and I wonder why I haven't. What am I even waiting for? I've totally lost the kind of fighting spirit I used to have when I was in college. That was the only time I felt all odds against me but I still survived, and fought a beautiful battle. This time, I'm fighting the battle with "the end in mind", I fight because I know I will lose anyway. Wake up your idea, please. It's not too late if you realise it now. Tomorrow's the last battle. I really wanted to fight a good one but I know I just wishfully hoped but never attempted to put my battling skills into pract...

It really took me some time. If there is really a vulnerable side of me, then yes, I have seen it. Exactly 10 years ago, I asked you in the school canteen, "Hey, it's your birthday today?" You opened your eyes so widely and replied, "Oh how do you know!" 10 years later, I can only say it to myself but somehow wish it won't get to you. Because you hurt me, so why should I give you my blessings? But clearly, I know things shouldn't work this way. I used to wonder if a 5 May baby and 12 Jan baby will get along well and come together. Apparently, they will and they do. Because from today onwards, you have a 12 Jan baby to send you the first blessing on every 5 May. As for me, I will say it to myself, simply because I can't seem to find any reasons to text you and say, Happy Birthday.

怎么办？我想了就好难过。。。

So many first times after today's history paper. For the first time I feel that I'm not cut out to be a Chinese major after all. For the first time I REALLY feel like cheating in exam. For the first time I feel like saying the f-word at the sight of the questions. I still mean that even if you don't like me to say it. For the first time I bothered writing so slowly because I simply had nothing to write and I needed to write slower to stall for time. For the first time I come to the realization that examinations are not exactly a test of your wisdom, but of knowledge, luck and speed of your recapitulation. For the first time I feel that, yes, there is really nothing that I'm good at. I have one more paper to conquer before I can really spell freedom. I miss my tall ice blended white chocolate mocha without whip cream. I'm sick of sitting at my table everyday or in the school library trying to memorize contents when in actual fact nothing goes in. I'm dying from h...

After 10 hours in school, I still didn't manage to cram a lot of knowledge into my small brain. If ever anyone will die from information overload, I'll probably be the first. 6 hours of tuition yesterday sped up my death. Yesterday was one of the worst days this semester. I never felt so shagged. I was feeling so unwell (painful in my gastric) that I was so scared I would just die in my sleep. It's a gift that I woke up this morning, alive. It's a punishment that I woke up to realise I have so much to catch up with. Yes, that's right. Life is either a gift or a punishment, or both. Maybe it's not too bad that one has the other to neutralise. EH CHRIS! Your words really made sense. Thank you for sharing your wisdom:) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERENE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY OHANA ZHUANG!

I haven't come to a decision but yes, I think I will know what to choose when the time comes. And like LX says, if everything else fails, I will adopt her method. The only reasons why I'm not dropping my tuition sessions these days, why I'm not getting sufficient sleep despite my freaking heavy eyebags are that I think I am responsible for my students, they have exams too, not just me; I want to earn a lot a lot of money now while I'm still young (at least I think I still am); I want to use my own hard-earned money to get the things I want. But, the people I am proving to are apparently not understanding my efforts. Maybe it's true that we shouldn't try too hard to prove anything to anyone because no one really cares after all. Everything should be for yourself. Once again, I am very, very disappointed. I didn't cry because it's another encounter that teaches me to be even stronger. Sometimes I wonder if there will come a time when I become too cold-bloo...