past.

Bull's eye. I'm running a fever now. And I suspect the heat is damaging my brain because I am thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about now.

I realised I could still smile. Shows that I'm truly happy for you. I sure did feel a little sour, uneasy. I'm sure these are the most logical feelings. It's only normal for me to feel like this, right? Because I'm not totally over yet. But I can be certain now that I am doing fine since I could still smile at something so sweet/bitter. And it only proves that time is the best balm, other than sleep. But still, I hope you will be out of my world, like I'm out of this game (or I haven't even been included in the first place). Like I said, I never want to bump into you on the streets one day. Like I said, I never want to see you again. I think there's a reason why I'm moving on quicker than before:) Thank you ____ <3

but how can I fight for someone who isn't even there. I must be falling sick. I have been feeling giddy the whole day. The moment I stepped into BK this afternoon really scared me. That instance I thought I was so going to collapse. My world was spinning. Thank goodness for my strong willpower I'm still mugging away now (ok or rather blogging but I need to rest right). These days I keep thinking about what I will be doing after my exams. Ok I know that's really a wrong thing to do so I will try my best to control my thoughts. The readings are really a big stack and I wonder if I will step into the examination hall with only 40% of knowledge once again. Worse, 10%. JIAYOU to myself again, for the nth time. I must conquer this. Why do I feel like we are going round in circles? Maybe I should stop guessing, stop thinking. It's not fun.

Today my mood switches between good and bad. This is cliche but what better words do I have to use? Sometimes the plainest and simplest words are what describe a feeling best isn't it? (although I am tempted to use words from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Nights of Dream after all these while of being in contact. Yes, language contact) Okay I know nobody understands this, probably only HY and Ben. Anyway, I think I'm happy and angry over the wrong things today. If these symptoms are a signal from stress, then yes, I can tell you this is what exams are doing to me. I am not getting over the fact that my newly purchased earpiece is spoiled. I can die without music when I'm out of home. See? I hope I learn a lesson: don't buy cheap stuff all the time. There are times to invest in costly ones. If only I can pick a set out from the pocket of one of those Doraemons lying all over my bed. Where are you? 我想你回来

Whatthecrap. My fourth set of earpiece is spoiled again.

救救我

EH CHRIS! you are right! Isn't AhWU soooooooo good-looking tonight?! Congrats to him again for winning Top10:D I'm also happy for Chongqing! Finally, after a long struggle:) Shows that if you really work hard, your results will show one day. I've camped in front of the teevee for hours. Crap. So slack.

P.S: Chewwwwwwww I blogged this immediately after you left! heehee Thank you ahchewwwww for coming all the way down to bring me another member of my family and most of all, the lovely muffins!!! Yummiesssss it was really nice I never said that to 哄你 ok! THANKYOU:DDDDDD Yes I thought I was going crazy at this rate. The great sense of the unknown. And since there isn't anyone or anything I think I should hang in there for, I decided I will do this for myself. Maybe it's always been this case. I haven't done well last semester, so I must work hard. I have a flaw -- I don't like to lose. Even if I lose, I want to know that I have tried to fight for triumph. Take care Melllllll:)

I WILL SURVIVE. Yes, I need to psycho myself that I will at least. Because it's getting harder and harder to breathe in the midst of so much work to study. I pray hard that AhWU wins tomorrow...

(Max I'm sure you like my title?) Ice Kacang Puppy Love a.k.a 初恋红豆冰 is sweet:) Thank goodness we watched it. I wouldn't think it's a waste of time and money. I think it's funny! Very very funny. 阿牛 really did a very good job at directing this film. And I think the actors and actresses are really good (including the uncles and aunties). Don't point fingers at me please. I am studying too. I studied quite a bit before I left house! And I shall continue tomorrow:) Angie and Jason you two should watch the film when exams have ended. Rui if you want to watch I can watch with you again! (But will be good if you pay for my ticket) Sometimes I wish you aren't always there for me. It makes me very confused. Am I very difficult to please?

When you're not in the mood, the food you eat tastes bland. The drink you drink is awful. You write all the wrong words in your notes. You can't seem to find a nice channel on television. Listening to music only makes you feel more sian. I went to bed with a bad leg cramp last night. This morning I couldn't move my right leg! Ohmytian. I managed to get out of bed after 4 hours. (I really thought I was going to be paralysed or something.) I feel extremely giddy now ever since I woke up. I think I'm seeing too many words. But I still want to believe that I can get over this phase. It comes all the time. Studying China history makes me want to watch 射雕英雄传 (Chilam and Athena's version) all over again. And I feel like reading Charlie's series that have been on my shelf ever since I came back from China in 2008. Exams, end soon.

Another 13 hours spent in school but wasn't too productive today. But it's okay, I did something after all:) By the way Mel please don't feel so stressed can you won't die in uni I'm sure. Oh anyway we had prata today. I miss having prata man haven't eaten it in the longest time ever. It's funny how I keep hearing about the two of them from other people's mouths. People don't know how I feel about it. Or perhaps they don't even know I know anything. Therefore it's not possible for me to ask them to not talk about it. Yet I have to pretend I am okay about it and keep silent while they are at it. Hahaha this is so interesting is it not? But it's okay because I know I will learn to slowly get over it. JIAYOU to myself. I know I can do it. Studying is not too difficult is it? HAPPY BIRTHDAY WANTING! :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIAOBAI! :D

It's such a nice day I don't know why. I went to Starbucks to get my white chocolate mocha. The person made me another free cup of ice blended white chocolate. How nice. Due to the kindness of my heart, I gave it to Angie whom I hope has enjoyed the very expensive yet paradoxically complimentary drink. I got too tired and a bit unwell (in my throat especially) so I decided to go home. Then this guy actually made way for me to enter the train. Then again another guy made way for me to board my bus. Do I look like a pregnant lady? Why is everyone so nice to me today? Or have I been too cynical? Anyway I'm sorry I slacked I watched quite a lot of videos after I got home ohmytian. But I did study! Oh by the way I saw a two-dollar note yesterday (in the toilet) but I didn't pick it because they say, if you gain something, you will lose something in return. I think I don't really have anything more to lose for now (because whatever I have now is important to me) and there...

It was another rather productive 12 hours spent in school studying China history. I think studying China history is fun. It reminds me of TVB dramas like 杨贵妃, 封神榜, 西游记, 宫心计 and a lot more. So tempting I feel like watching my TVBs especially from the list that I've prepared in my com! I've been rather engrossed in my studying of late. I realised these days I have nothing to do online and that probably explains why I am online less frequently. Maybe because in the past I felt I needed to be online to be there for someone who never cared if I was there. Now that this obligation is lifted, I think I am a lot more constructive as a person because I don't waste my time on people or matters that are not worth, anymore. Ok I'm not sorry even if I sound mean. Because I do feel that I've wasted a lot of time. But thanks really, for making me realise. I don't hate you. I just sincerely wish I don't bump into you on the streets one day. Mel introduced Feng-ge...

阿武，我好想你.

I know my biological clock is kind of screwed up now given my very disorganised studying schedule. I've gradually lost track of time, very much like in timeless time. Nevertheless I like it this way because while you are too busy with whatever you are doing you tend to forget about a lot of other things. I think this is how I don't remember how I actually need to get a life while I continue to waste time brooding over really unnecessary matters. Maybe after my exams I will look back and realise it didn't take too long for me to live a new life after all. Maybe that way time will seem to pass faster. And I'll be happy to know. Chris is back from India and I browsed through his trekking pictures. I think the sceneries were awesomely captured. I love pictures that are associated with nature, and especially when there is not any being inside. Yes, nature without humans could have been better, prettier. Because humans are the root of, not all evil, but all complexity.

Time check: nearly 7. The dawn is breaking. Just got home back from school (thanks for the lift Jas). Spent the whole night mugging in school library. I think it was constructive and productive. I finished nearly 6 chapters of one module. Doesn't that spell some effectiveness? I think I haven't mugged so hard in a long time. Thank you Chai and Jas for the company. Thank you NUS for keeping the library open everyday and 24/7. Thank you NUS for not patrolling so that we can safely leave our bags around in the library without having to fear for them being taken away. Thank you Darren for the late night text. I love to be remembered. Who doesn't? Thank you myself for persevering. I think it's been a good night (even though I'm freaking exhausted now) because I have completed more than I thought I could. I always know that I can. It's a matter of determination and endurance. Thank you the bosses up there for putting me through this because I come to realise that I ca...

I like to go through my archives. Then I know, my predictions were spot-on. Or perhaps everyone can guess it too. Who knows why I am so proud of having hit the bull's eye. Okay, time to mug again.

Have you ever come to a point where you are so sick of explaining? I'm sure you have. So, don't ask me how I feel k? Thank you. Anyway, I haven't got to the momentum of intensive mugging. I finished 流浪的面包树. The whole 面包树 series have been nice maybe not so much for the last because you know, people get disappointed when things don't meet their expectations. I wished it had been a get-together kind of ending. But yes, it could be a good one after all because she has grown up and seen the world in another perspective. I wish I could do the same. A lot of things have been on my mind that I really couldn't sleep well last night, or should I say, this morning (since I only slept at about 3a.m.?). I FINALLY finished topic 1 of my CH2243 module but apparently I have another 10 more topics to go. Crap. Star Awards is tomorrow night but I think I have to miss it no matter how much I don't want to:( Thank you goodfriend Cyclops for the picture/video:)))) You could have inc...

Sorry for being paratactic again but yeah.... 1. Why is Speech Day getting worse each year? 2. I finally saw Boss Chua again after so long! 3. Some people are weird, they laughed with you during the happy times but pretend not to know you anymore after some time. Are these people whom you refer to as acquaintances? 4. I think it was quality time spent with ahCHEW and Sheena:) 5. Thank you ahChew for eating Mac with me! I GOT MY AH PIG DANGDANG! :D 6. I see my 4A1 kids and I miss themmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 7. KM has seemingly grown taller. I don't remember how I started being gaga over him but I don't understand why. 8. I used to want a cam so much because I wanted to take a lot of pics on Speech Day. Now that I have one, I only took 5 pictures? 9. I've decided to return to guides after one year of rest. Is it time? 10. Can't wait to start intensive mugging with Coconut:)

I wish that the friends I've been there for will ask how I've been. I wish they will send me a random message to tell me they love me. I wish they will ask when I am meeting them even though they know I am too busy. I wish they will ask me along to their outings even if I can't make it. I wish they will tell me they think of me. I wish they say they miss me during their gossip sessions.

I will pick myself up again for nth time. Dream on if you think you can beat me hands down.

Once again, the day is saved. Thanks to Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha.

放手了，并不代表你放弃。 不放手，你什么都不是。

Blogger doesn't offer the service of reblogging so I have to do this: 感谢伤害我的人，因为他磨练了我的心志； 感谢欺骗我的人，因为他增进了我的见识； 感谢遗弃我的人，因为他教导了我应自立； 感谢绊倒我的人，因为他强化了我的能力； 感谢斥责我的人，因为他助长了我的智慧； 感谢藐视我的人，因为他觉醒了我的自尊! 感谢我爱的人和爱我的人使我的生命不再孤单； 感谢我的敌人，让我认识自己和看清别人； 感谢日升，让我在白日的光辉中有明亮的心情； 感谢日落，让我在喧嚣疲惫过后有静夜可依。 感谢快乐，让我幸福地绽开笑容在美好生活着； 感谢伤痛，让我学会了坚忍， 感谢生活，让我在漫长岁月的季节里拈起生命的美丽； 感谢有你，尽管远隔千里你寒冬里也给我温暖的心怀； 感谢关怀，生命因你而多了充实与清新； 感谢所有的一切... This is taken from Angie's 7 December 2008 entry, in correspondence to what I mentioned in one of my earlier posts and what I told Fel yesterday. So that's 感恩 for you:)

Suddenly I miss secondary school days. In sec4 I was dying to get out of the school but I do miss the times when I mugged with my friends in school, in the library, at my house, wherever. I miss Mr. Chiang and Mr. Lau even though I did worst for Physics and Chemistry at O levels. I miss fooling around with Rui and Max in the computer lab during Higher Chinese lesson. I miss laughing at 停车坐爱枫林晚 with the Chinese Lit people in Tinderbox. I miss the little chats with SK after school. I miss walking back to our respective classrooms with Rahil after lunch break. I miss competing with the history students to rush to the canteen during recess and then said, "You know what the difference between history and geog students is?" So far away. If only I had learnt to cherish then.

当你们沉浸在幸福的气氛中时，我有好多话要说。但是没人给我机会。

这个世上还有比我更懦弱的人吗？ 现在我完全不知道，到底做什么事是付出努力会得到回报的。 到底现在我还可以靠谁？相信谁？

I am disappointed that we can't help but put judgement into our thinking, such that what we see are more often than not, coloured. A replica that we see or something that someone says can influence how we think, simply because we already have a judgement fixated. Because we are just humans. That really sucks.

Was everything just a coincidence? I begin to wonder again. Too many coincidences such that I doubt the credibility of it. I know it was just a matter of time, but never thought it to be today. I've said goodbye a long time ago.

It still never fails to hurt me, after so long. I've been trying. It's not about being deceived maybe, it's about not believing anymore.

One-line thoughts: 1. It was nice lunch with Chew and Mel on Friday even though the food wasn't that nice:) 2. Didn't know there are so many interesting shops at Coronation. 3. It was great time spent with the lovely bones. 4. Everyone loves my pasta:) (unless they are lying hahahahah) 5. One battle tomorrow and then next comes a few in 2 weeks' time. 6. I am really diffident but I know I will pull through. 7. Don't be surprised if you don't really see me on MSN. 8. I am not appearing offline, I am not even logged in. 9. I will work hard to acquire all the niceties that will come after -- TVBs, books, games. 10. No matter how busy I get, remember that I care.

Sorry but I finished another book. Yet another sad ending. Okay, time to work on my assignment. 我曾经也因为害怕你有一天会看不见而想照顾你。我并不是想做你的一双眼睛。我只是害怕你在黑暗中会很寂寞。但我想，你已经找到一个愿意照顾你的人。

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YELAY! It's crazy. Last Thurday I participated in the "The Lovely Bones" online lucky draw for the fun of it but I actually won a novel! Is this luck or is it because no one participated? I was never lucky when it came to lucky draws or 4D or Toto. Brought my sis to Hoagies for dinner and she was far too elated. She said "today's moon will be blue" LOL

不流眼泪的人难道就没有其它哭泣的方式吗？ 因为你，我害怕看到生日蛋糕，听生日歌。 因为你，我有一个健全但不健康的家。 因为你，我的人生有一部分总是不完整。 因为你，我从此没有理由在妈妈面前落泪。 因为你，我总觉得我不够幸福。 因为你，我的生命永远有个不可磨灭的阴影。 但也许拜你所赐，我变得坚强。我不再懂得哭泣。我相信我可以靠自己完成任何事。 老妈： 相信你自己说的话。人在做，天在看。总有一天，老天会收拾他。 我知道你不喜欢我这么强悍，永远不会哭。但不管我的外表多么硬，我总没有你坚强。你虽然经常哭，甚至到今天为止，泪已经流干了，但你比我坚强得多。 对不起，我现在没能力帮你解决问题。 等我。好日子不用等太久。 我在打这些字的时候，我没哭。 因为我知道，过了今天，我更坚强。 And my dear sis, remember that er jie will always stand on your side.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUNCAN! I miss Blue like maddddddddddddddd. And I'm reallyyyyyy looking forward to a new album this year (that was my birthday wish this year). We finally met Max after a long one month. THANK YOU FOR THE SHIRT DARLING!!!! (Somehow I knew it was going to be a shirt!) And most of all, thank you for the books!! I always feel damn happy when people get me 张小娴's books from overseas. P.S: Honestly I feel damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn touched because I really didn't think you would remember. But you actually did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, I always appreciate it whenever you get us something when you're back from overseas. Shows that you always have us in mind! :) The happiest moments, that's right. It's when I'm with them. You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want but I know, I know. It's nothing but a lie.

你要撑着

1. It's nice to add another person to the good friend list. But you don't know if you're losing another one in the process. I am still skeptical. 2. I'm trying to keep my temper at bay. I can feel it coming... 3. I will not care anymore. I'm really tired this time. 4. I succumb. My eyes can't take it. Neither can my brain.

Maybe it's coming. I need to control myself. I really must.

I only came to the realisation today that I'm really out of the game already. How could I have missed out on so much? The things around me, so near but never caught my eye; so beautiful but I never realised. Maybe they are right when they say, you often neglect the happenings around you when you are too obsessed with a subject. 2 more weeks. I hope this realisation didn't come too late. I must be too stressed or bushed. I actually hear this conversation between my eyes (or eyelids?) and brain. Eyes: We are going to close! Brain: Noooooooooooo hang in there! Eyes: Cannot! We've been working for so long today! Brain: I don't care! Eyes: 你速手就擒吧！ Brain: 我是不会妥协的！

Another one down. I feel that a rock has been removed off my chest. Subsequently, I have a CH presentation tomorrow, SS test on Week 13, CH assignment due on 16th. 4 exams in mid April to 6 May. CAN'T WAIT. P.S: I'm beginning to think that, I hardly use my brains when I do things. Can't believe I lasted for so long and then got swept off my feet once again. It's okay, I will stand, AGAIN.

I was thinking of this song last night when I couldn't sleep. This was my favourite song in sec2. Old school tracks are always the best:) I think no one can deny that Guy has awesome vocals! I'm reallyyyyyyyy tired and I actually intended to take a short nap before I go on with my assignment and tuition in a while. But I've decided to hang in there! P.S: Max is coming back tonight!

Chilam 越老越有魅力! 我要加油.

1. School for the week concluded nicely because EL presentation was finally over and no more nightmares about Dr. Tan in purple shirt. Gosh. Right now I must persevere and finish the last 2 assignments. 2. Sometimes I really like to act like I'm wonderwoman. Who knows what got over me yesterday that I offered to exchange my plain noodles with Xiu Ying's spicy noodles when I knew that I wasn't feeling well. So now? Retribution. Moral of the story: 不要死撑. 3. I like the Central Library on a Good Friday because it's almost empty. If only it is Good Friday everyday... 4. The Lovely Bones was not too much of a heartburn for me but definitely a thriller. I think Alice Sebold (or perhaps the director of the film) is an absolute optimist. P.S: I'm sorry if I gave a black face or spoke in a louder tone to any one of you. I admit I was angry. I just don't like to be late for movies! P.S: FEL you haven't shown us your watch!!! 5. No doubt it is such night that images kee...

当我在做那些我以为我真正喜欢做的事的时候，我才发现，原来最快乐的时光是和Ohana在一起。 跟你一样频道的人，才真正了解你。