past.

对我而言，五月一号的意义并不在于凤梨罐头过期，它也不是谁的生日，它只不过标志着五月份的开始。 五月份，是过去，是回忆，是弃权，是坚持。 它是自卑和失败的重现。 兜兜转转，有时候总还是要回到原点。 旋转木马回到起点的时候，我仍然希望在那里等待的人是最初在那里等待的人。 但原来，他在等待另一个人。

The object of love is given up but the love for the object remains constant. Believe it or not? It's been three years. If the pain of absence can be mastered, perhaps I need to go through a lot more rehearsals.

That's right! The need has arisen where I need to blog :) (If not I might die of over-suppression of excitement and joy) Thank you for people who felt happy for me. I think it's a happy thing to know there are people who will actually feel happy for you. Thank you Zhi for fulfilling our last year deal to watch the awards together! And tada! Both AhWU and En won :DDDDDD I want to say, I've started liking AhWU and his shows since start of 2004? It hasn't been very long but I think many people think I am just the typical fangirl who goes gaga over hot guys right. The thing is, I've never found AhWU exceptionally good looking, there are really better looking hunks out there. I think AhWU is special in his own ways and he really acts well. The thing about him that attracts me most is that he gives me the feeling that he always enjoys every role that he is given. And he really knows how to appreciate his fans. (Read last week's i weekly and you know) Nope, I am not a ...

Last night was one of those nights that I had missed so badly. Sometimes, old times become old because we only revisit but never did relive them. We like to look back but we don't put what we look back upon into rehearsals. Why? Anyway, I will do my very best to refrain from blogging (unless the need arises) until exams end. Before which, I want to thank a group of people who have been very sweet :) Thank you Mic for your very cute post-it and love letter! <3 Thank you YiRong for your Hi-chew! <3 Thank you Lan Hua for your card and Toblerone! <3 Thank you Chew Chew for your big big box of Dewberry (my fav)!!! <3 Thank you Nelson for your Kit Kat! <3 Did I leave anyone out? Please forgive me. Till we meet again :)

凌晨两点半，刚写好论文。心情没那么沉重了。 不开心的都抛到一边，说点开心的。 昨天和大伙在学校的不同角落拍照，希望能够让即将毕业的亭慧（也包括我们自己）留下美好的回忆。 之后到外头吃晚餐，继续拍照。玩得挺疯，很开心。 我跟大家一样，感恩能够认识到这般还算是志趣相投的朋友。缘分这回事，有时真的很奇妙。 我想，进入国大中文系还是值得感到庆幸的事。 Anyway, I was told that I should sometimes switch to Channel 5 and not constantly type in Chinese. To meet the needs of avid readers who cannot really comprehend my already average Chineseness, I shall bring in some English. The week's been really bad and so is my mood. Thank goodness for a strong mind (again) and friends who keep cheering me on. I might just die of fatigue and overload had it not been the words of encouragement that keep rushing in. The overwhelming boost of morale is however never redundant. Thank you people! It means a lot! I want to give myself a pat on my shoulder too for I have constantly been looking for reasons to laugh/smile despite the tonnes of work. Like today, reasons to be happy will be: 1. An angmoh opened the door for me for damn long. 2. I see many many hao kan de angmohs i...

一波未平，一波又起。 第一件事。 我正在图书馆做论文。正要储存档案，后面一个女生踢到我的电线，电脑关掉。文件没有储存。Good game. 第二件事。 我重新启动电脑，打开文件，再次打进了没有被储存好的资料。那个女生又踢到电线，电脑再次关机。我继续忍。 第三件事。 老师当众说我的作业错得不像样。全部目光在我身上，自卑。 下课后，我照常开玩笑，若无其事。因为很多人说，开心和不开心，日子照过。那还不如开心？是这样说的吗？ 如果‘坚强’是个正面形容词，那我为什么这么不快乐？ 我想欲哭无泪大概就是这个意思吧。

“破坏是永恒的，安稳是暂时的。” - 张爱玲 虚幻的东西有时让人绝望，还不如紧紧抓住实在的物质。 老师的这句话让我领悟到：Shopping的时候，要买什么就买，不要犹豫太多。

今天收到雪琦同学的一封鼓励信，非常感动。一直都很喜欢收到手写的东西，但很久没有收到了。今天这封信，是阴天里看到的一道曙光（尽管这句话也许没有科学原理）。我想，真正愿意亲手写一封信给你的人应该是信你的吧？这份信任非常宝贵，信纸要好好珍惜，信任更加要珍惜。如果破坏这份信任，就像被撕烂的信纸一样——就算补得回，还是看得到痕迹。 谢谢你，雪琦同学 :)

努力和成果的分量永远不成正比.

最近为了写论文，一直在研究蘩漪这个角色。也许有的人觉得她很任性，觉得她很伤风败俗，不守妇道。但我则觉得事实上，她是最值得同情的角色。任性不过是她想要释放一直在压抑的情绪。如果她真这么坏，也许一开始她早就做出一些疯狂的事，不必压抑到最后变成疯子。可想而知，孔子思想所造成的精神毒害竟可以是如此严重。尽管这种思想有一定的启发作用，但无可否认，它所导致的问题正是造成悲剧的导火线。正如我之前说过，真的有必要分清黑和白吗？有时候，我觉得呆在灰色地带里是最安全的。 就如《孝经》，它是解决忠孝两难全的问题的一部经典。但是这部经本身存在瑕疵（孔子的话），它要如何服众，如何解决问题？ 其善者而从之，其不善者而改之，而并非‘避’之！其实，超越是非才是最高境界。又有谁能够做到？ 话说回来，有时候任性其实是件好事，是一种释放。我一直都觉得，真正爱你的人（包括家人、朋友、爱人）是允许你任性的。但是任性的程度，最终还是由自己调节。

It was bbq with a group of friends whom I still feel very unreal with, followed by a catch-up session with two 10-year friends whom I still enjoy talking to. Some people change with the passing of time, but some just remain as who they are. I am extremely grateful for the latter. Thank you Ben and Soon for being who you are all these years. I always remember the five stones gang which comprised both of you, WeiJian, Samuel and myself. And the people who never changed at all are the two of you. I realised I was never alone. I just failed to take notice of the people who cared and were around me. I wasted so much time on one who never really that deserved my attention. But it's okay, I believe I'm in time to realise all these.

I should think the dinner held for the graduating seniors was a success. I really had fun, and did not at all regret going despite the nearing exams. Have been going to school almost every single day for projects etc. Boring yet fun. Like Wen Jie mentioned on Facebook, the last literature tutorial was probably the most enjoyable, other than the acting part. CH people (or most of them at least) are really nice people. While listening to the seniors make their speeches just now, I suddenly realised I don't really have a future to speak of. And this brings me back to the issue on self-identity. For now, heck. Exams first.

It's a good day today with great company, uni friends and Ohanies. The play wasn't a great success but I don't really care. Great or not, it was still a success and I think that shall suffice. MIC STOP THINKING YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. YOU DID THE MOST LAH!!! And you are the reason why I felt bad about myself cos' I could have done a lot more than I've done. Please do not doubt your contributions okay. And it was good time spent with uni friends today after the play. I must say those scenarios were really what I was expecting before I entered uni. Somehow, this has come true and I think staying in CH was never totally wrong. Is there a need to mete out what is right and wrong? After having met certain people these days, I thought it's better to stay in the gray zone. Being distinctly clear about what is right and wrong makes me utterly disappointed in people, sometimes, even friends. And precisely because they are my friends, I hate to think that they are sel...

最近，每当脑子里有太多思绪，就会抬头看看天。看到蓝天白云，心里总是莫名的舒服一些，脑子里的思绪也会清掉很多。今天下过大雨，天并不太蓝，也见不到很多的白云，心情自然也没这么好。 在这种时候，我需要的正是天天天晴。压抑的情绪不知道会不会有一天爆发…… Suddenly there is an increasing number of comments lately. I must say, whether is it relevant to the respective posts, or words of encouragements or merely a line of random thought, they all really help to make me feel better. The comments make me feel that my thoughts are shared with good friends, and this means a lot as they help me pull through the tough times, especially recently! Yeah recently, I have met people who are not those I thought they were. It's extremely demoralizing especially when it is about doing a group work together. Of course, I have met really nice people too and the stark contrast makes me a lot more thankful for the great bunch I have met. It's not been easy these days as I'm once again skeptical about new people. And because of this, I've become very grumpy and this grumpy me is one side of me that I really detest and des...

 今天在学校没有看到夕阳。心情也很差，很多情绪压抑着，没有释放的空间。的确，世上很多事都是不公平的。有时候要看你自己敢不敢去争取。 我不想争了。我真的只想好好睡一觉。 我很累。 今天就这样随便写写吧。我疲劳的身体和心灵需要休息五分钟，等一下继续赶报告。

最近不管做什么事，都讲究速度。 吃饭要吃快点，因为饭后要赶报告。 做功课要做快点，因为做完后要赶专题作业。 讨论project要讨论快点，因为讨论完了要赶去补习。 补习结束后要走快点，因为要回学校讨论project。 冲凉要冲快点，因为过后要赶另一份作业。 不知道是时间不等人，还是我们不等时间。 有时候因为速度太快，很多事情都看模糊了。因为没看清楚，很多事都错过了。你今天是否因为步伐太快，错过了一个擦肩而过的朋友？是否因为太匆忙，忘了对一个同班同学微笑？你搞清楚你忙的原因了吗？ 我还没呢。 还在摸索着。 现在我最想要的是属于自己的时间。 当你看一部电影的时候，注意的是拍摄视角和技术； 读一本爱情小说的时候，注意的是作者的写作意图； 跳上床想要睡觉的时候，脑子里想的是什么功课还没做完， 那么， 你的压力真的很大。 哦。对不起，我说的不是你。 我在说我。 如果近来我忘了回复你的简讯或未接电话，请原谅我。

我仍然是那没有用的我，一个无法摆脱束缚的我。而束缚我的人是我自己。

今天回到那个地方走走，发现那间保留最后回忆的餐馆已经倒闭了，被拆了。 对啊，最后一丝回忆已经荡然无存了。还剩什么值得回头看的？我再也想不到。 不过，这是好事。

Grumble less. Your optimism may really bring up the morale of people around you. Then, you are saving lives. And what Eric said definitely made a lot of sense. Don't promise what you can't do, promise that you will do whatever you can. Edits: There is no right or wrong unless of course, you set the parameters and yes, of course there are times you need to do the definitions. I just feel that at the end of the day, maybe nothing is worth being blamed at all because we all set different boundaries for different contexts. Not seeing eye to eye on certain issues probably just implies a failure in making expectations meet. Maybe we shouldn't pass any general verdict because there is so much more as far as morals are concerned. Maybe, we should always add 'I think/believe/feel' in front of a general statement, lest it becomes an overgeneralization or an unintentional attempt to alter mindsets, even principles. It's hard not to sway people with your words, especially t...

Today I feel hurt.