past.

一向喜欢逛超市。今天突然心血来潮，想吃巧克力，所以搭车回家的时候，顺路经过便到超市绕了几圈。站在摆放各类巧克力的架子面前，忽然又不知道要吃什么。很想吃的，又太贵；便宜的，又好像没那么好吃。平时逛超市都是很干脆的，想买的东西都已经在脑子里，所以不会花太长时间。今天只想买包巧克力，却想了十分钟。觉得自己最近对于大事情的考量变得比较果断，反而对小事情却拿不定主意。最后，选了一包价钱公道又是我自己挺喜欢的牌子的巧克力，付了钱，走回巴士站的时候便打开来吃。 咬了第一口，发现其实今天并没有很想吃巧克力。

Today my sis left a Kinder Surprise on my study table and I was indeed amazingly surprised. I've always liked Kinder Surprise because of its milk chocolate, and sometimes even lament that the toy inside the egg takes up so much space such that there is so little chocolate. Then I thought about my mum who always said that I was insensible when I tugged at her shirt and begged her to buy me Kinder Surprise whenever we visited NTUC. Little did she know that I was hardly interested in the toy at all! Those were the days. Eating it now still makes me think that the milk chocolate of that two pathetic pieces of 'egg shells' is still finger-lickin' good. And then I also realised that, the snacks that you enjoyed from young will only taste best when you have them once in a long while. Because you need to miss that feeling to enjoy it :) I think that applies to meeting up with nice people in our lives too.

Waking up early for a few consecutive days is no good because I'm always half-dead by late afternoon. And then it becomes increasingly tough to accomplish something or anything. The weekend is once again burnt because of birthday celebrations. (But thank you Fel for inviting me, I really enjoyed the company and food and basically everything!) Then it hit me that I have been so bogged down by meet-ups etc that I haven't really done anything this recess week! I'm pathetic. Time is worth about $30/hour, from now. I need a loan man. JIAYOU GL, please please please JIAYOU.

I went back for Guides today. Yes, it was a decision to join the unit again after vanishing for one year. I didn't quite regret going back today because I found myself reliving those days that seemed only yesterday. The guiding days are one big component of secondary school life, I must say that they are probably one of the very few reasons why I might still smile as I reminisce those old school days. The only difference today was that the company was very much not the same anymore. Juniors make good company too but of course my peers are incomparable. It's funny how the first two girls I met in the company today are called Jia Hui and Melissa! To sidetrack a little, Blue is back on track of late and this brings me back to the past even more because Blue is old school to me and having them back in my life is still a strong surge of nostalgia. Good mix of past and present? For some reason, I read through my past entries again today. Just a few random dates and true enough, they ...

After meeting Junhong yesterday, I was inspired to meet up with other friends whom I've not met for the longest time. And so I texted WeiJian and Soonzai to meet for dinner today. They actually agreed! And so, we finally had a decent meet-up today after EIGHT YEARS! Ohmy. That's a long time, is it not? It was ever so nice to catch up with them on what we're going through now and where we are heading to in life. This meet-up today suddenly dawned on me that college was actually a perfect time to meet up with friends from Primary or secondary school but I never really did so. Probably because in college, especially J2, my life was revolving around this someone and I couldn't see what I was losing. It's true, when you have only eyes for this particular someone or something, you tend to neglect everything and anything else. This is something I must remind myself never to commit again.

Third day into recess week and I haven't accomplished as much as I've expected to. I met up with Junhong today after 3 years of not seeing him. But despite not catching up with him these couple of years, it merely took me about twenty minutes to affirm my beliefs that he is still who he was. I told him that I'm glad to know there are people who remain as who they were. He's one of such people. And I think I'm one of those who have changed. Today I met a friend in NTUC. And the first question I popped was, "What are you doing here?" I always think that people who ask such DUH questions are really those who are trying so hard to start a conversation. And today, I'm that loser. I find myself pathetic at facing someone I used to call a good friend. Simply because people change. I believe that in life, change is the only constant. I just want to reinvent myself, I want to throw the old me away because she was that pathetic. Maybe like Maxie said, I've b...

有时候，最令人难过的不是被身边的人伤害。最令人难过的是，身边的人明明知道做些事会伤害你，却还是要这么做。 没有，并没有受伤。只是忽然有这么一个想法闪过。 今天到新传媒当“国记交意所”的现场观众。感觉那个节目有些无聊，但是在那里和朋友一起大笑也是个不错的体验。虽然这次又无缘碰到阿武，但是我相信终究会有这么一天的到来！ Recess week 不知不觉就过了两天。好快。

This is Blue's latest performance of Breathe Easy at Eurovision 2011. I waited damn long for them to sing this again, and I'm still waiting to hear them sing this live if they ever come to Singapore. Many years have passed, and many people have changed. Are we still the same persons this year as last? Talk about dreams, aspirations, all the beautiful pursuits, are they still the same? Or have our paths changed along with our characters? I'd love to think that we are all the same, but truth is, people really do change. I don't deny that I'm no longer the same. We run so fast to catch up with some people in our lives, only to realise we have overshot and left them behind. If good things come to those who wait, haven't I waited long enough?

Back to the very start where everything seems so bleak and dull, for after all that was done, there are still doubts uncleared and shall never be. People are the weirdest, not things. And people are often the root of their own pain. You reap what you sow.

人骗人，人被骗。人伤人，人被伤。我想我并没有被骗，但我最后还是被伤。或许每个人都一样，容许自己被伤害的那个人就是自己。我们可以选择不因为别人的所作所为而受伤，但我们只是人。我们还是会屈服于感情。感情和理智，即便任何一方有时候比较有权威，有的时候两者还是有重叠的地方。重叠了，很难分开。有些人伤了，会抽身而出，不再相信伤害自己的人或事。有些人伤了，继续乐观，继续相信，相信就算最后再受伤，一切也是值得的。 值得？怎样才算值得？只要自己开心过就算值得？那如果伤得比上一回更重，开心的价值在哪里？有的人相信理智不能解决所有问题。我现在则觉得，理智会让我省却很多痛。每个人是应该争取自己想要的。但不是每个人都该去打自己没有把握的仗。最后遍体鳞伤的时候，你所相信的价值都会立刻贬值。

 Saw this on AhWU's blog. Really like this postcard, very cute :) I hope I can find this postcard!

Today was my longest day out with good friend Nelson! We - ate Cafe Cartel where I had his soup and he had my dessert. (Thanks for the treat ah!) - finally challenged each other to MVC 2 and I won!!! (I know you gave in to me!) - shopped for 6 hours for many many things! (Thanks for helping me carry the shopping bags! :p) - had starbucks because we were tired of walking! (white choco mocha still beats greentea latte hands!) - sat at the MRT station and watched all the train pass us by. - talked for damn long at the bus stop because the bus took damn long to come. Then I realised you make a better friend than I do because you are always the more considerate one. On my way home, I came to this realisation that Nelson Ong and I will always be good friends forever :)

今天上第一次文学课的tutorial。课题是感时忧国。感觉累积了这些日子以来阅读的文本，像是《家》、《阿Q正传》、《狂人日记》、《沉沦》、《莎菲女士的日记》、《雷雨》等等，整个人好像也像老师所说的，沉淀下来。想起老师今天在课堂上说的：“偶尔发发呆是件好事，不要每件事都要达到目标，往前冲。”，我觉得也不是不无道理的。在节奏这样快的都市中生活，有时真的觉得很喘。就算是休息，脑子里也继续在想事情，我们都忘了如何享受人生。 有时候人会因想起另一个人而心情改变。今天，我想起一个人，心情仿佛从晴天变成阴天。有一年了，可是在每个月里的某个时候，那个模糊的影子还是会浮现，不愉快的过去还是会上演。我不知道我会不会再快乐。也许再也不会。可是我不稀罕快乐。我只是不想不快乐。你明白当中的差异吗？

On days like this, I ponder upon where to place my faith. We humans are sometimes very pathetic, at least in my perspective, it is the case. Skeptism masks everything real and you just don't know who or what to believe in. This explains the belief in a superhuman, I guess. I think I am half the believer and half the agnostic-atheist kind. Ultimately, I think I believe myself most and best. Is this not the way it should be? We should all have faith, in whatever and whoever, but just have it. Because it is what keeps us going.

Finally I decided to make a trip to the family clinic yesterday and indeed, the antibiotics worked wonders. Apart from that, the other medications were seemingly redundant but since my mum paid for them, I had to consume them. The side effects could be felt each time I take them, for I am constantly - feeling hungry - feeling thirsty - breaking out in cold sweat - feeling drowsy these couple of days. The doctor asked me to stay at home till Friday but unfortunately for me, I can't miss my tutorial classes! Nevertheless, I've never slept so well in a long time. Taking medication that causes drowsiness really helps. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and events going on around the world were all pretty interesting. There was this "longest kiss" contest, where the winning couple locked their lips for about 46 hours thereabout. The caption for this piece of news was along the lines of "Love is patient". Does a kiss really equate to love? The longer you kiss, the ...

I need to try harder, a lot a lot harder. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DARLING ZHI :)

My Math lecturer never fails to make me laugh during every lecture. Lecturer: Okay, before we start the test, I'm going to read to you 2 pages of exam rules. Students: *anticipate* Lecturer: I shall summarise them in 2 words -- NO CHEATING. He's so cute. It's Friday, not that things are going to be easier. In fact, more hectic. I'm sure, I will get over this. I'm so looking forward to recess week please. I need my precious sleep. Somehow you're like home, for no matter where I go and what happens, I will return to you. I'm not sure if I would wait if you were me, I probably wouldn't.

Life couldn't be more hectic than this. Everyday is just school, home and 151. I haven't really been anywhere else. There seems to be a birthday every weekend so that means work must be almost complete before weekends. The coming week is probably the most jarring with the stacks of readings and assignments to complete. I do feel intimidated, but I think there isn't really much to do other than to keep going and finish them off one by one. Once again, I'm thankful for the major friends who have been around to go through this with me. So anyway, Rahil is gone for one day already and I wonder how she is doing at Aussie now. I do miss her. The topic on life struck me today and I realised, all I want is to be recognised for something I believe I'm good at. Overall, today is a good day in school, so it's a good day in my life. I shall return to my assignment. This is life, for now.

Bye bye Rahil. I'm going to miss all our nonsense.

I can't believe today is the last time I saw Rahil before she is back again during her winter break in Aussie. I can't believe time passes that quickly. I can't believe I have a stack of scary readings to complete by this Wednesday. I can't believe I only just found out that I have a quiz on Friday. I can't believe I have a presentation next week and I haven't even seen all my group members. I can't believe Rahil is flying this Wednesday and I can't see her off. Really, I can't believe. But I will learn to believe all these, because beliefs are what keep us going. Went to celebrate 云姐's birthday at that restaurant again. I commented that the food wasn't so good and she said, 我们是为面子而来，不是为吃饱。面子真那么重要？Hmmmm. To self; Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until good becomes better, and better becomes best.

Something worth being happy about today: AhWU got nominated for SA Best Actor this year! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD 今天值得开心的事： 阿武入围红星大奖最佳男主角！:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

It is till this year of age do I realise that the past has left such an indelible mark and I'm badly traumatised. Is it really still possible to walk out of the shadow of the past and lead a happy life? This is so contradicting, to the post prior to this. Maybe because the mind is so powerful that it starts to entangle both the positive and negative thoughts. To self; 加油 GL.

When everything falls through, you have to believe that the mind is a very powerful tool. You need it to control your perceptions, your spirit, your emotions.

Something worth being happy about today is that I could contain it. To self; shoot for the moon.

Funny how the timeline progresses and halts without my knowledge. Why do you feel so far away?

在我的记忆中，每年过新年的时候，她总会哭。或许是我的潜意识已经习惯了这件事，又或是她的潜意识已经存在一种每年过年都不快乐的概念。我不知道她这一生有没有真正快乐过，至少我感受不到她的快乐。也许是应为这样，所以我也不快乐。而每当她坐在一个角落哭泣的时候，我什么都不能做，最多就是拿一两罐啤酒给她消愁。或许这就是为什么我从不相信醉酒消愁愁更愁。她难过是因为她的命，她觉得她的命苦。她觉得她这一生最错就是嫁错了人，所以她永远不会再快乐。她认为所有事都已经安排好，没有人应该，更不可以去对抗命运。是吗？是这样的吗？我越来越不想去相信命运已经主宰好一切。 我要冲破它。

就再也找不回来了 :)

今天上现代文学课的时候提到了“自我意识”。觉得这个概念很有意思。它并非新鲜，但却从来离不开我们，可是我们也从不真正去看待它。如果说要用病痛来带出一个人的自我意识，也许不至于太牵强，但也未免太可悲了？我们应该爱惜自己，但到底应该爱惜到哪一种程度才不算自恋？我们到底是应该做到“忘我”，还是要记得体惜自己？这些标准又是谁设定的才最算数？ Yes, finally my long-awaited CNY break. I have a list of about 15 tasks to complete within this break. Effectively, this CNY isn't for enjoyment but for the completion of school work, readings and assignments included. I guess that sounds perfectly fine because I don't usually do CNY visiting anyway. It's just that the workload this time is exceptionally demanding and I suppose my hope of reading a book this break is dashed already. Yet, I still appreciate the coming of this break because at least for once, I do not have to rush through readings and assignments for fear of not being on time for lesson the next day. I think rushing through things will shorten one's lifespan. At the same time I feel a little upset that we didn't really stock up CNY goodies this year. My peanut cookies are nowhere in sigh...