past.

This feeling is terrible. Dilemma.

Maybe you think I've changed because I've stopped living, the way you want me to. Yet that does not mean I will revert to my old self to compromise with you. I can still sense the expectations you have for me but no, I am not going against my principles to meet them. I tried to make things work but apparently, some things that have faded away, it is just not easy task to get them back, or in fact impossible. I will leave it to fate, even though I clearly know there are still things that are within our grasp. I really need to learn to be a better friend.

Such a lovely day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGIE DARLING! :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY AHWU! :D

We celebrated Angie and YC's birthdays at Ling Zhi restaurant. I've always liked the ambience in a Chinese restaurant! And so it was nice ambience, nice company and of course nice food! The tart and cake were of course a bonus add-on thanks to our very generous Maxie. (Poor Zhi you missed all these great stuff!) And I really appreciate the kind of simple happiness I derived from such celebrations even if it means spending lesser time on my books. I'm looking forward to Christmas now! Christmas is like my favourite festival. But before that, I have so many plans in mind right after exams end :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YC DARLING~ Heehee. Enjoy!

I really thought I was going to die. But thank goodness for a panadol pill, I managed to keep it at bay and completed my 2-hour paper. The power of panadol.

Today's mugging wasn't mugging. I just felt like lazing on the bed all day long. Unproductive day. I will try to make it a point from now on to make birthday cards for people who mean something to me. I think birthday cards are very meaningful, especially when you make them yourself. We all can make cards. But we don't always stop what we're doing to do something like this. I think I've often neglected this component. I make birthday cards for friends once in a while but I think I haven't really put in enough effort.  Anyway, I promise Cyclops I will TRY not to appear on MSN anymore so I shall stop blogging too (other than special incidents or events that ought to be shared)! Take care people, I love you all many many :)

I guess Maxie is right. Humans are made up of positivity and negativity. It's nice to keep your chin up and stay positive all the time. But I think it's abnormal to be positive (or act unaffected?) at all times when you know your world is crumbling. And so I shall not hide my tinge of disappointment from this morning, that I did not do well for my mid terms. I clearly know, though, that I am going to work harder for the upcoming final exams. I don't really have the chance to feel negative about anything now because, I know that if I want to save my friends, I got to save myself first. On a side note, my sister passed me something that I left in my bag (which she borrowed). I was stunned when I saw. It was the letter I wrote to him but eventually did not pass to him on 17 October 2009. It is hysterical how all these things come together. If it's a test that I'm to be put through, I'll proudly say that I'm once again over this test. I kept the letter because A...

That's right, I still think "Why" is probably the most frustrating coinage on earth. Probably even the most patient person will go bonkers (not literally) at trying to figure out issues that sometimes have no answers to them. Many times I am torn in between wanting to help and leaving things as they are. I'm saying this because lately I have friends (not friend) who have suicidal thoughts, again. There are such times I wish I can render the best advice, really. I want to be able to help, to be of some influence so as to change their minds. But, how? And then we realised, the second most frustrating word coined. I don't have, or (long ago) no longer have suicidal thoughts and so I cannot really understand the reasons that trigger such thoughts. Is life that miserable that it is not worth living anymore? I don't know but for now, even when the worst tsunami hit me, I think I don't even have tears to shed, let alone kill myself? I'm not trying to say I...

应该就是这样的吧？Bf曾说：越快乐，快乐的时光就越短。然后就是空虚。我并不是不快乐，只是，手里握着的那个气球一直不舍得放，一直牢牢抓紧，甚至手掌都冒汗了还是不愿放手。所以就在放手的霎那间，最初的感觉是一阵刺痛，然后是空虚。空虚是最奇怪的感觉，仿佛处在一个什么都没有的空间，想要期待些什么，又不知道该期待些什么。但是空虚，有点像寂寞，好像是最容易被替代的感觉。所以我相信这种感觉不会持续。幸好，幸好。 气球应该是属于天空的吧？要不然，它为什么会飞？抓在手心里，好像剥夺了它的自由。 那么，你飞吧。

We all have our beliefs. I'm not the very religiously-inclined person so in this case, spiritual :) Made-believe or not, I'm sure we all need certain beliefs to keep ourselves going. And therefore there are some things that I want to continue believing in, despite the prospects that MIGHT prove disappointing. It's a choice, for I know these are the intangibles that will keep my mind strong. Mind over everything, right? Whether is it for others, or purely for myself, I think I need to keep them for a more constructive life. Maybe not yet constructive, but I got to sustain it first before figuring out how to materialize that component. Therefore, albeit the weather not being very propitious today, or in days to come (because of the year-end rainy season), I shall fight the temptations that it offers. At least till the end of this month, at least. If anyone is succumbing to the dark side, hang in there! Let the voice of reason speak first. He's the rational one. If you bel...

XW and I texted last night. I guess it's a good thing, is it not? I told her about the deal which still means quite a lot to me. Okay despite just five to six hours of sleep, I'm going to mug hard today. Tell me to jiayou ok! And before I end, here's something to share:) http://www.postpals.co.uk/

I have an awesome friend and it's her birthday today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHEWWWWWWWW! Thanks for being by my side all the timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Love you many many! ♥

Hello people Much as I am a bit sick of explaining, I think I ought to apologise for my ambiguity once again. Last night's post on blogger or facebook was DEFINITELY NOT an emo post. I wasn't emo over anything. I wasn't upset. I slept early and I slept well. If you think I am lying, if you think I am trying to put up a strong front, ok ok go ahead. I'm sian already so you can think whichever way you want (no offence hor). Yeah I texted him. So what? Is there anything to be upset over? I know clearly I was caring for a friend anyway. It's not like I was intending to snatch my friend's boyfriend or what. You can shoot me for being a busybody, for intervening in people's business. I am just being concerned and I see nothing wrong with that, and so I don't have to feel upset about anything. Period.  Have a good day :) P.S: I know you people care for me and I really appreciate. Thanks :) LIAN.  

I easily became the dumbest, silliest, stupidest, most evil person on earth tonight.

依然有许多怀念你的歌。但是，尽管我再怎么努力，已经无法拼凑出你的模样。这应该是件好事吧？我曾经很希望快点忘掉你长什么样子，但是现在对你的记忆慢慢模糊，我又有些不舍。我心中仍然有很多疑问，但或许故事的结局真的不是掌握在作者的笔中，而是读者的心中。每个人都有自己向往的那个结局。也许得不到回答也不失为一件美事，因为我可以幻想一个美好的结局。如果有一天在街上碰到你，我会不会认出你来？我希望不会。因为我的心现在是麻木的，却是麻木的好。总比唤起任何伤痛的好。快一年了，时间真的飞逝得很快。又或者流逝的不是时间，是我？故事早结束了，而我偶尔还是会回味一下一些桥段，甚至期盼一个续集。这个想法真的很傻，有些故事只能有一个结局，就像故事里的人死了不能复活一样。幸好我这一路来只是痛得麻木了，没有死去。这近一年来，我是有讨厌你。但我相信你仍是我认识的那个好人。所以，我还是希望你快乐。

I will learn to be more spontaneous. I will care less. I will refrain from all TVBs until exams are over. I will speak less and act more. I will try to be braver when at crowded places. I will control my mind more when you're beginning to take over. I will be less vulnerable when I think about the what-nots. I will not start from zero, never. I will give my best shot for the upcoming exams.

And so I went onto the Flyer with my climatic friends. It wasn't all that awesome after all but the company sufficed and the experience was good enough. Thank you Sunshine boy for the cheap deal! It was still good day spent despite the loss of time which could be used on books. (Don't worry Sunshine boy I don't blame you!!!)

It was Party World with about half of Ohanies today and I didn't quite enjoy it. Of course this has nothing to do with the company or the event itself. I think I won't enjoy anything I do these days with exams in mind! Watching TVBs make me feel guilty all the same. Such enjoyments are very extravagant at this time of the semester. Sian to the max. We waited for bf's dad after dinner at Subway and I had to believe Ohanies share some kind of fate because we bumped into Zhuang who also hitched a ride home. Sitting on the lorry in the open was awesome as always because the wind was the highlight. Except... for the birds' gifts from above. (I dared not even tell them about it because it was downright sickening and embarrasing, especially when it was the second time this week -.-). I got home and told Mother about it and she actually said... "OK I SHALL BUY TOTO TOMORROW!" Oh.my.tian. CAN? Anyway, thanks bf for your kind father who always sends me home. I seriously...

我又。。。以小人之心度君子之腹。 Feel like slapping myself.

I like Facebook's "Which Superhero Are You?" quiz. So accurate! I like to be Wolverine!!!! :D

Last night was an awesome night with Ohanies, celebrating Zhuang's ORD. I felt the ambience of the restaurant was far too awesome. The food was good too, except it was a little costly. It was nice to sit at the long table with these great people, and then off to Mac for Mcflurry with them. These people always make me feel comfortable:) Zhuang is now officially part of the 2.1% of unemployed in Singapore! Interesting. 2 years really flashed past without us realising. I guess having a friend in Singapore is always not as bad as having one who's not. 流逝的不是时间，流逝的是人。 So anyway yesterday I once again found out that I'm still afraid of going to crowded places, for fear of seeing... Oh well. The countdown starts! Last week of school.

Half the day was spent with Ohana girls moving our things around the campus and eating non-stop. But often such days are what make the week happening. Source of stress-reliever:) I'm extremely hooked to the new TVB 刑警. This happens all the time, when exams are nearing. I hate myself lah. Ya quite. I think I'm partly responsible for putting Maxie in an awkward position to attend his class gathering. I sooooooooo wished things never had to come to this stage but I just can't do anything. Life is so full of disappointment, when you expect.

If friendship has an expiry date, I think ours is turning bad. If there's a limit to one's patience, I think mine has reached the peak. I'm done.

1. JY treated me Mac:) 2. Interesting lecture on China politics. 3. I went to say hello to a friend I haven't met for..7 years? Caught up quite a bit. 4. Spent 12 bucks on my sis because she went mad at the sight of a pasar malam. 5. Sunshine boy was extremely clumsy today I laughed. (whoops?) 6. Shared some of my little secrets with YR. 7. Know more people who like dangdang:) It's going to be an extremely packed Tuesday tomorrow. How?