past.

I had a very terrible dream this morning that I woke up very abruptly and then was unable to sleep again. I ran to my mum's room and slept on my brother's bed, then came two series of dreams. Very beautiful dreams. The first dream was that the sky was overcast but the clouds were not grey nor black. They were very colourful clouds but it looked like it was raining anyway. The next moment it was raining chocolates and candies and Christmas cards from my friends. I was so happy that I ran all over the place catching the candies and picking up the cards. I shall not talk about the second dream but it was a very sweet one. And it was about 笨蛋. Maybe, just maybe, I do miss him after all. They say, colourful dreams do come true. And both my dreams were in colours. But to speak logically, my dreams are not likely to come true. I guess it's fine though, because some dreams are nicest when they are just dreams. Just dreaming these two beautiful dreams made me happy the whole morning...

感觉最近一直在找东西。 但如果弄丢的是不实在的东西，还找得回来吗？ 回忆不见了，曾尝试勾起。 感情淡了，曾尝试补救。 迷失了，也曾尝试寻找自己。 每次找回来的答案，最终都会发现只是短暂的解决方案。于是，问题再出现的时候，又会陷入另一次的迷茫﹑彷徨。 之所以不喜欢闲着，就是因为不想面对一些事。但有些问题，如果不愿意面对，就一辈子都无法解决。可是尽管知道这一点，却又执著地用别的事情麻醉自己，尽量不让自己跟问题碰面。人确实很矛盾。想要快乐，却不敢去面对使自己不开心的问题。也许，就是害怕在面对的同时，自己会更不快乐。或者，是害怕仅存的快乐都会流逝。 到底我们是想快乐，还是不想不快乐？ 我只知道这一刻不快乐。 头又痛了。

By the way I have bought X-Men 2 DVD! :DDDDD X-Men 2 is my favourite among the 3 but also the one I hate to watch most because Jean sacrificed herself at the end of X-Men 2. This love-hate relationship is complicated. But I don't care, I have bought it because it was the last piece! :)

The Amazing Spiderman was really pretty amazing, the third time I am saying this. It was already exciting even before Mic and I entered the theatre because we were supposed to leave our mobiles at level 1 but witty us hid them in secret compartments of the bag, so of course, we managed to enter unscathed! The movie is good. Great plot, good-looking young actor, smooth flow. I really like the camera angles. The compositions of the shots are the kinds I like, not particularly close-up but not too far either. The top views are cool! The graphics are a plus point too. You cannot really tell that those are the works of CG because they are really natural and flawless. What I really want to compliment is the very unique sound effects. Something different from typical thrillers like such. However, I do not really appreciate the fact that the storyline has been very much altered and how some unnecessary scenes are placed as the focus. Whatever, I would rate it a good movie still! It is...

Perhaps there is really nothing wrong with not being able to move on from something or someone, be it my best friend, be it yh, or myself. We plunge into it, snap out of it, and plunge again. It doesn't sound too difficult to stop all these but as a matter of fact, it is. I don't think it is because the mind is not strong enough. I think it is because within ourselves there is this void that was once filled with happiness, and not moving on is merely a longing for those happy moments. After all, longings are simply longings for happy yesterdays, right? Even if all that is left is misery, it doesn't make us want to move on, for we would rather that void be filled with sadness than have it replaced by emptiness. We refuse to move on, because we yearn for the return of the lost. Because we want to be happy. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. Nonetheless, not moving on doesn't mean not opening up new chapters of life. I say, how ironic, how co...

MY BEST FRIEND ZZR, THANK YOU! BE STRONG :)

I'm officially sick. Haven't fallen sick in a long time so it doesn't feel so good. The funny thing is that almost everyone else who stayed over last night seems to have fallen ill too. Well well, it's been a nice stayover. I do miss how we would all eat from a bowl of noodles, snack on tidbits in the middle of the night, lie on bed and chat about lame stuff, watch a horror movie and be afraid of getting to bed after that. And then we had brunch at Hatched and ice cream at Cold Rock. It was like a tai-tai day. Scorching weather but happy day. Sometimes we get older and busier that it becomes so difficult to do things like such. Maybe we should all start to appreciate such get-together times. And maybe because I'm sick, I suddenly feel a little vulnerable. Just a litte.

It was a great day singing with my friends today. The laughter we shared made me forget the troubles I had. Thankful, really :) Finally met chewchew, albeit a short while. Sorry for being so late! I'll pass you my Iron Man 2 DVD next time :) Spent a couple of hours with best friends watching X-Men cartoon and talking. Thank you best friends for the talks! :) The best thing about spending days out is that I can avoid what I don't want to face. Yes, running away should never be a solution, but when nothing works, running away is the best way out. And so, there goes my day and will be followed by another busy one.

“ 人就是这么个东西，犯贱，永远都追随着那些自己认为美好的东西，有时候嘴上说放弃的，其实潜意识里还是在追随。 —— 夏柒月 《还要走多久，我们才能不悲伤 》    Me: For the past 3 or 4 years I've been waiting for someone who will never notice my presence. I have decided to really move on this time. Please be happy! Sam: Please be happy, and we'll definitely keep in touch! 这次，不想放手都得放手了。

我知道世上没有完美的人。 但我是个很不完美的人。我真的不是什么好人。 更重要的是，我并没向往做个更好的人。我不想改变这样的自己。我想一直这样做自己的自己。 知错一定要改吗？明知就不能故犯吗？ 我是个再普通不过的人。 我只想做个普通人。

最近又在追旧港剧。目前看的是《刑事侦缉档案》最后一部。这应该是第四次看这一部了。虽然已经是第四次，但看了还是觉得有点感伤，有点遗憾。总是希望徐飞和俏君在一起的时间可以久一点，但，没有什么是永恒的。原来喜欢一个人真的会让自己尝试去喜欢那个人也喜欢的东西。我一直不相信，是因为我太轻视感情这东西。俏君总是对徐飞说：“做人要往前看”。我才意识到，其实我常对别人说这句话，但真正做不到的人是我自己。往前看并不只是对过去不再有感觉，而是也包括不再留恋过去。我其实也很想走出过去的阴霾，我很希望有个人告诉我怎么做。但似乎这种事从来就没有标准答案。有些事我真的很想重新考虑，但我又不能做个自私的人。所以结论就是，在还不清楚自己想要什么的情况下，最好还是这样孤孤单单的。孤单的优点就是不会受伤，也不会伤害。 可以的话，我很想改写结局。

The past three days seemed to have passed rather quickly. It has been a short period of weariness, anger, laughter and reflection. Day 1 was spent at the airport picking up people whom I had never met before. I really think I would have died if not for 林立老师. He hired me as a helper but he did almost everything. And I really like being at the airport, I don't know why though. I realised I prefer being at the arrival hall a lot more to being at the departure hall. I mean, no one likes to part with their loved ones. In comparison, the arrival hall is pretty much a happier place, when I saw groups of people running out to hug their loved ones whom they had probably not seen in some time. I saw this little girl, around the age of five, run towards his father into his embrace and said to him "I miss you Daddy." It was a heartwarming sight. Day 2 was labour work and exploring Singapore with the aged poets. It was quite a strange feeling to be on a Singapore tour bus as a Singapo...

Having pizza used to be something special and which I looked forward to. Now, it is merely another option on the list of food choices. Nevertheless, it was a good meal with Yanli, Janvin and Edwin. It is amazing how people can bond over dinner, that is why I always like to catch up with my friends over a meal. Pizza has always been one of my preferred choices because you do not just share the big round pizza with your friends, but you also share your life encounters with these friends whom you are dining with. Sharing makes food and life tastier, hence it is such joy to share :) I have accepted the fact that my room is in a total mess and I promise myself I am so going to clear my things before mid July, then start reading up on my modules. Something which I must accomplish within this summer break: GET OUT OF SINGAPORE, EVEN FOR A DAY.

我很怕被人伤害，可是更怕伤害人。至少被伤害了，可以用意志和理智说服自己振作。但是如果对别人造成伤害，就算是说对不起也不见得就能补救。而且有的时候，说对不起确实是没有用的，因为那并不能解决问题。常听人说，说对不起不是为了弥补什么，只是让对方知道自己重视两人之间的感情。但在我看来，有时候对方最不想听到的就是‘对不起’三个字。所以不管是自己对别人说，还是别人对我说，我真的很讨厌这三个字。 也许是我的性格，该果断的时候却婆妈，该有点人情味的时候却又把理智搬出来，所以容易伤害人。我真的不想的。但说句最真心的，就算是这样，我也不想改变现在的自己。我只想做自己的自己，就只是这样而已。 记得有个人说过，一个人在某个阶段错过一些事后，想再争取已经太迟了。因为那个阶段不会再回来。这大概就是为什么很多人回首过去之后，总是觉得有些遗憾。没错，人生中多多少少不免有些追不回来的人或事。但我相信，在你决定松手的时候，那是你在那一刻最想做的决定。如果是这样，那也不失为一种最真实的自己，也就没什么遗憾可言。不是什么东西都要讲遗憾。所谓“舍得、舍得”，不‘舍’，哪来的‘得’？说不定愿意割舍的话，得到的会更多？ 因此我在某一刻作了一个自己最想要的决定。我觉得自己很坏，很自私。我很想反省自己。但我只想做最真实的自己。我也知道，伤害已经造成了。 再说最后一次，对不起！ 也因为今天想了很多事，所以渐渐打开了自己的潜意识。也许有些事终究不敢面对，所以把它们都藏在潜意识里头。最近Lily跟我说，如果不把埋藏在脑海里最深处的事情搬出来痛哭流涕一遍，那心里永远都会有根刺。于是我尽量一点一点地搬出来。我不得不承认，或许我早已经迈开脚步前进了很久，但是路途上却一直没有把包袱真正的放下。如果放下了，这些日子以来我也不会偶尔有意无意地提起。 我不是没有尝试过。我也不会再试了。放得下的始终会放下。看到他开心，我是真的开心。潜意识可能也在唆使我等待，我也不知道，但这是目前最恰当的假设。已经没有什么是我想改变的了，因为已经习惯了这样的生活。很多人也劝过了，我就是听不进去。问我到底执著什么？说真的，我也不知道。 没办法，这就是我的问题所在。

今天原本想呆在家里看看戏，读读小说。但是起床后，就有股冲动想到外头走走。于是，洗了澡，便出门去。逛了约三个小时，买了很多东西：衣服、鞋子、手表、零食……  也不知道是因为买了东西，所以整个人觉得很开心；还是因为人开心，所以买了很多东西？不过怎样都好，反正开心就好。也发现一个人逛街真的挺好的。一方面不需要找话题聊，另一方面又没人给意见，所以自己也变得果断一些（也因此买了这么多东西）。 以前说自己喜欢一个人，以为那只是借口。原来还真蛮喜欢的。

I had Korean food with my good friends today. Korean food always makes me happy :) We laughed so hard today and it made me realise that laughing with them is always one of the best things ever. That is how much I like to be with my friends! 跟朋友在一起笑我就很幸福了:) Miss Fong asked me for my name today. After I told her, she went, “哎哟恭喜咯！” It is so nice to talk to Miss Fong whenever she is in good mood. I mean, of course, it applies to everyone else, I think.

I'm really happy to know that you're doing great and that you're not the kind of person I always thought you were. And so I'm extremely glad that I'm wrong.

I never liked talking about my family but I just had this weird feeling today because we had dinner together today. It was just weird, but I do not know in what way it was. Maybe because I have not really had a meal with all of them in a long time. Over dinner, I told a joke to my sis and my mum laughed. My mum has not laughed at my joke since I do not know when. And because my mum laughed, I felt a little accomplished today. To add, my mum made my favourite dumplings today, without dried shrimps which I do not like. I know she loves me but I guess I just have no idea how to communicate with her sometimes.

My feelings are in parallel with the rain outside now. Suddenly, I miss both my best friends very much.

Caught Madagascar 3 today. There were some hiccups but still a hilarious and cute movie. I like animated films because they always have happy endings :) And of course good company would be a plus point to any good movie. Had dinner with Junhong and Zhuang. We were supposed to celebrate Junhong's birthday by treating him but he treated us instead simply because he felt guilty for forgetting to wish me Happy Birthday for the past 11 years. I laughed so hard. Anyway I like how we always settle our meals at some roadside food centre and not any high-class restaurant. It was good food, good company and good time spent, which are exactly all delicacies of the situation given. I could not have asked for more. It is hard not to compare, but we always do at the end of the day.

I like to lie on my bed with my earphones plugged, and listen to 张学友's songs. It is totally a luxury. Holidays should be like this, right? Like my friends always emphasize, this might very well be the only longest break before I step into society to work, so I ought to reward myself by enjoying it to the fullest. By the way, Yanli has flown to Hong Kong and my best friend ZZR to Europe. Most friends are either busy with their HTs or with work so I think I am going to be very bored. Nonetheless I am going to enjoy myself :) P/S: Little things can touch your heart. Anything can, as long as it is sincere and honest. I want to believe that this is the case :)

It was quality time spent with Yanli and Yan Hong today. They made me laugh so much! (你们又榜上有名了！) Thank you! Enjoy your trip guys! Thank you Yanli for the chocolates! And thank you for the ice cream cone Yan Hong!!! :D And I think it was good that I missed my bus because I bumped into Zhuang (again) at the interchange and we chatted for a while and I missed more buses. Yet another kind of quality time! Thank you Zhuang! Feels good to be surrounded by friends who love me and like me to be happy :)

Finally, the bookfair has come to an end. Thank you my dear friends, who popped by with food and drinks, or merely to visit. Your presence was felt and definitely appreciated. Once again, I have proven myself right that no matter how tiring or how boring, I would overcome it and I really did. More, it has been great working with nice colleagues who got along well. Friendly people are crucial when it comes to labour work! It has been a week. I never forgot the people who sent text messages to care about my results and of course, myself. Sometimes it will be a surprise to know that when you have let go of certain things, you gain a lot more thereafter.