past.

我已经想清楚了:)

There's so much to say, suddenly I don't know where to start... But I have told myself repeatedly that I must remember to post this entry. I didn't really have too much trouble trying to get to sleep last night but probably due to intense anxiety, I woke up a few times early this morning to check my mobile for results. And there, at 8.30 a.m., I saw the SMS. I didn't feel exceptionally happy about it for I had expected to do a little better. Nonetheless, I received subsequent messages that made me a blessed and touched person. I am blessed because there are so many people who care for me and feel anxious for me. I really thank these people, really. Thank you 林立老师 for always encouraging me! Thank you 姚老师 for being so generous! Thank you 王老师 for being so concerned! Thank you other teachers who have taught me! Thank you Mrs. Chua and Valane for hugging me upon the news! Thank you YiRong for having been in this with me all these while! Thank you Zhuang for the very sincere ...

I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. I can contain my anger but I was never good at containing it for too long. I just needed people to be fair to me. And then there is this realisation that, the world is hardly fair. Then what am I to do?

I want a break. A mental one. Monday seems so near and I am and not looking forward. I hate having to feel so apprehensive about my life.

 我用了三個小時的時間回顧了過去。你曾說，回顧過去讓人覺得欣慰。我想這是真的。原來，在那麽短短的時間裏面，就已經累積了不少承諾和回憶。以前我總是固執地認爲回憶再美都是沒用的，但是現在想想，美好的回憶還是可以揚起嘴角的笑。因爲在剛才那三個小時内，我就笑了幾次，確實是會心的笑。我不知道這些美好的東西是不是都用完了，反正也都不重要了。我只是想說，原來有那麽一段時間，我是真的蠻開心的。更重要的是，原來有那麽一段時間，我真的忘卻了自己以爲永遠放不下的過去。 回顧過後，我把全部的記憶都刪除了。就像把它們統統都收進包包裏，繼續我的旅程。前面的路還長著，終究還是要邁開腳步往前走。這個選擇是我的，就不該後悔。一點點的遺憾都不該有。我想只要堅持自己的信念，我依然會開心的。 你也一樣。

顧名思義，我想說些開心的事。不都是實際案例，只是些較愉快的情緒。 1) 很久沒碰中文小説了。發現每次看中文小説，心情都不太好。或許是自己看得太入迷了。不管怎麽樣，不會心情不好大概就是好事？ 2) 最近都在看四年前從中囯買回來的《刑事偵緝檔案第一至第四部》的DVD。一直以爲自己對劇情了如指掌，但是原來都忘了，畢竟已經過了十多年。我真的很喜歡看偵探劇，尤其香港的。這幾天看了這套劇，感到開心除了因爲劇情刺激，也因爲我在當中看到不少今天挺紅的藝人當時都是些‘小咖’。鄭秀文！！！還有陳展鵬！天啊。 3) 這幾天都在逛街，忽然覺得有錢還是很重要的。除非，我們什麽都不想要。但人類縂有欲望，而我不過是個再普通不過的人。不過說真的，雖然最近手頭很緊，看到什麽都不能買，但是這樣逛逛走走其實也是很開心的。女人嘛，就愛走街。 考試結束后，一直覺得很悶。在家也好，在外也罷，就是覺得很不充實。呆在家裏又閑著沒事做，出門又不夠錢花。這時候就最留戀讀書。讀書其實也是不錯的。 還有就是，儘管心裏難免會有些事情放不下，不過每次到外頭走走都會感覺好一些。再加上有朋友在身邊聊聊天，開開玩笑，人也不會胡思亂想。我才發現，其實真的還有很多人對我很好，只是我每次不用理智思考，所以總是看不到這些人。有時候真不明白自己爲什麽這麽鑽牛角尖。 昨天我告訴自己：今天千萬不能忘記昨天的感覺，明天千萬不能忘記今天的感覺。 但我終究還是忘記了。 並不因爲我善變，更不是因爲我記性差。只因爲人類總會在脆弱的時候希望得到一個擁抱。 而我，只是個再普通不過的人。 話説，這篇該是寫些快樂的事，怎麽看來越寫越沉重？ 累了，好想睡覺。 希望今天的快樂可以延續至明天，也可以傳播給愛我和我愛的人。

Is it still worthwhile to do so much for someone when whatever is done is not appreciated?

今天幫亦容和衍興慶生，是件快樂的事。不僅食物美味，大家也笑得開懷。最後蛋糕吃不完，只好用“終極密碼”的方式解決。就如迎曦所說，從沒試過玩“終極密碼”這麽想要自己‘中’。 這天真的好開心。 我也發現自己真的很喜歡跟這班朋友在一起。 我發覺最近老是失眠可能是因爲心裏一直惦記著這個學期的成績。也許是前方太多未知數了，我根本無法不去想。我真的很想繼續和我的朋友們一起學習。 *It occurred to me that the reason for my insomnia of late could be because my mind is far too occupied with my results for this semester. It is hard to take my mind off it when my future seems so bleak. I would really love to continue another year with my friends.

It's getting harder, and harder, to sleep. My biological clock, screwed.

  你還在不在？

After all the emotional turmoil for days, I am a little happier today after meeting up with a bunch of friends who amused me so much. Thank you :) And it is nice to have friends who drop texts to send their regards when they read your blog and know that you are not well. Thanks Janvin! :) I think I am gradually getting used to certain absence and I know I am doing a good job at it. It just goes to prove that I am right, no one really is indispensable. Take care, folks.

A minute ago, I typed a short text message and sent to people whom I have not seen for half a year or more. I used to do this every June and December, and I realised the number of people that I send to is obviously staggering over the years. I recall always having a strong motivation to catch up with my friends, especially those I did not usually meet. Perhaps with time, people really do change. And here, I am referring to myself. I guess I sent to fewer people this time because I am more aware of who I want to keep, and who I can no longer keep. I think I have hit my quota for friends. I now believe that with new friends, some old friends will indeed stay but certainly not all. It is not up to us anymore. This is life. Whichever the case, I guess the most important of it all is to spend quality time with important people whom I want to keep. On a little selfish note, I just want to keep myself occupied with constructive matters and take my mind off pointless issues. Of course, thank y...

Times like this, I wish I am still staying in RVR.

又讀完了一本小説。這次是冷諺明的《不完美分手》。這本書，我從頭讀到最後，都還不清楚到底主人翁是誰，後來才知道原來主人翁一直只有一個。故事沒什麽高潮，情節斷裂，但我就是喜歡它從不同角度看同一件事，喜歡作者對女人心理的解剖。有些事往往是我們不承認的，但又似乎在等誰來拆穿我們。第一章提到：分手，不見得是件壞事。原來這是真的。 我總是愛說：“這世上很多事都不能分對錯，因爲對錯的標準要看個人的價值觀。” 但盡管如此，我還是喜歡認爲自己是對的。誰喜歡是錯的那一方呢？ 兩個人在一起，對錯的定義總是會有差異。但是如果差距太大，或許分手確實不見得是件壞事。 我總是覺得自己在原地踏步。也許我還在任性地尋找一個願意包容我的任性的人。

“別人不了解你，我了解你。你是不會開玩笑的。” 這是最令我痛心的一句話。 我爲什麽要改變自己來迎合別人？我就是我。 愛我的人會接受這樣的我，不是嗎？

I dont know. It just seems like I have been in my own world for the longest time, until taking a walk outside today jolted me back to reality, once again. Early in the morning, I dragged myself out of bed, even before my two alarm clocks rang, and took a cold water bath to wake myself up. I think cold water did help, except it was a little sick when the morning was cold to begin with. And so, I grabbed my backpack (cos' I was too lazy to pick a decent bag to complement my already too-casual wear) and set off to meet Mic. The first thing she asked me when she saw me was, "Are you okay? Are you emo?" I thought I should make a confession here then. 1. I got a little teary when I watched on youtube Damon and Elena dance (it was not at all a sad scene actually) yesterday. 2. My tears fell when I was reading a particular chapter of a novel (which was not upsetting again) last night. I suppose my tear glands had been inactive for too long again, and so triggering them all of a s...

I am in such lousy mood today I am going to cry.

They say, it is ok to not know what you want, but you got to know what you do not want. Perhaps that is why I am wallowing in self-pity now, racking my brains for I have no idea what lies ahead. There have been people asking me about my commencement but I am in too awkward a position to give a definite answer. While I would really love to look for a job now lest I am not qualified for the fourth year, I am actually a little uncertain about it because it might be a waste of time and effort if I can qualify, even if by sheer luck. On the other hand, I really want to do something constructive during this summer break but somehow nothing seems to pass off as being constructive. The frequency of hanging around outside has to be controlled because there are always monetary concerns at the end of the day. And as always, just how much do I look forward to the start of school again because it is always better to be busy and occupied than to have nothing to do at home. And when I am too...

Everytime she appears in my dream, I will be running. Running away, as fast as I can, to somewhere safe so that she does not find me. Maybe all these dreams tell one thing, that in the subconscious, I am so scared of seeing her again. Many times I wonder, why things have to turn out this way. Perhaps it was just me, I was too naive or simply gullible to not have seen through her agenda. That could probably account for my skepticism once more. All I know is that I never want to see her again, for I do not want to be made use of like an idiot again. If running away means gaining my rights, then I do not mind all this escapism. I just want a life, one that is mine.

http://youtu.be/27R6ZavdzzQ 你的痛苦 我都心疼 想为你解决 挡开流言 紧握你手 想飞奔往前 我相信爱能证明一切 够真心会超越时间 多付出也多了喜悦 让幸福蔓延   总是学不会 再聪明一点 记得自我保护必要时候讲些善意谎言 总是学不会 真爱也有现实面 不是谁情愿 就能够解决   一次争吵一个心结 累积着改变 内心疏远足够秒杀 外表多浓烈 才发现爱不代表一切 再真心 也会被阻绝 这世界 天天有诡雷 随时会爆裂 还是学不会 少浪漫一点 拼命着想的事 未必带来感动或被感谢 还是学不会 解释我最伤最累 痛死都不愿 怪谁   把每段痴情苦恋 在此刻排列面前 也感觉 不埋怨 只怀念 不是学不会 只是觉得爱太美 值得去沉醉   流泪

我們縂愛堅持一些所謂的堅持。 在堅持與放下之間，總是隔著一條模糊不清的界限。因爲不清楚，所以我容易被動搖。 信念。信念很重要。即使知道那並不意味著最終的成功，但至少能夠指引你。

Happy Birthday :)

I couldn't stand watching the respective Marvel movies like Captain America, Thor and The Incredible Hulk because I find them too draggy. Nonetheless, The Avengers was really an awesome movie, probably one of the best among the recent movies I have caught. Exciting, good humor, almost every part of it was of great entertainment value. But I still X-Men series the most! Nothing beats X-Men!!!!! On my way to join the rest to celebrate Zhuang's birthday just now, it occurred to me that there are simply too many things that I really want to accomplish within this break. I want to read as many novels as I can, watch as many movies as I can, catch up with as many friends as I can, shop as much as I can! And precisely because there are too many on the list, I have no idea where to start. Gosh.

再堅強再樂觀的人都會有不開心的時候。也就是在這種時候，最需要的是諒解的人、愛她的人。其他的都不重要，重要的是一個擁抱，一點慰籍。

1. Yesterday's GEK paper marked the end of Year 3 Sem 2, the beginning of freedom yet again, and probably my last examination in NUS. As always, there was the feeling of emptiness that arose once I stepped out of the examination hall. But the void was quickly filled by a bunch of uni friends who really cared for me and brought me much laughter over dinner at ThaiExpress. Things just couldn't be better. 2. An Ohana stayover after nearly half a year. Can't believe I actually slept at 4 a.m and woke up at 8.50 a.m all because of an irritating bf who yelled "Wake up people!" 3. LL had dinner with us and went strolling along Chinatown streets with us today. So happening!!! And sorry to be random but, I think I realised LL gives me the feeling that AhWU gives me! :D 4. I splurged today, on X-Men 3 DVD and 3 pieces of clothing. 5. I decided it is too ambitious to lose 1 kg during this break so I shall start off by setting the bar at 0.5 kg :D Stop tempting me with delica...