past.

GL: Do you think I'm really stupid? Jan: I don't know. Maybe he really hurt you. And then I was speechless. I don't know how long I will take to get over what I heard, but I do recall how my heart sank upon hearing it. The disappointment turned into anger, and then into sadness, eventually, you probably won't believe -- humour. I figured I went slightly mad thereafter and while I feigned enthusiasm, I was actually on the verge of tears. I think the urge to cry could never have been stronger. Well, now that I'm typing these, I can't feel the same, probably because I have realised my stupidity (whatever you call it). All the lies were so beautifully wrapped and I bought them. I guess there is nothing more I should say because anything more will be redundant anyway. I guess I just need to be glad that I have made a right decision, even though along the way I had a tinge of regret. No more wallowing in self-pity, or I am so going to despise myself. The friends who l...

Why would I even think that I was once important?

I was supposed to be feeling neutral today but during the walks I had today, I thought of Mic, YiRong, Lanhua, Yanli, Yanxing, Wen Jie, Lily and I started laughing to myself. How I miss these people!

“‘相信’這種事往往輕輕一捏就可以被徹底摧毀。” “有些事情是已經注定好了，不管我們怎麽掙扎到底也只是改變形式，並不能改寫所謂的結果。而且所謂的如果，就是沒有辦法被實現的叫做如果。” “失去的永遠最美好，得不到的也是。” “沉默會比斥責的殺傷力更大更久。” “有些話不說出口不管怎麽費力去猜測都是沒有用的。” “這世上讓人最難受的事情就是事實，而且是自己並不願意相信的事實。” “很多時候最簡單易懂的事情明擺著在自己的眼前，卻往往因爲太過簡單而開始猜疑，甚至揣測之中是不是隱藏著什麽樣的心思或者陷阱，或者選擇忽略它。” —— Sophia《太近的愛情，太遙遠的你》 這本書我看了很久。應該說，我從圖書館借了很久，卻一直沒有把它讀完。它就這樣一直被我擱在一邊，我也沒試過花這麽長的時間讀一本書，但是我又不太喜歡有始無終的感覺。所以，今天一鼓作氣，趴在床上把它解決了。 Sophia 對人物的刻畫依舊是那麽深刻，讓人回想、讓人感動。 剛才媽媽說：“小時候我最喜歡讀瓊瑤的小説，編織美夢。” 我也喜歡沉浸在小説裏頭，幻想所有美好的事。 只是幻想與現實之間終究是隔著一片很廣闊的空間。我不知道這空間裏包含著什麽，我只知道幻想和現實之間的距離離得太遠，不該混淆。 我一直不敢承認自己的感覺，是因爲害怕把自己的尊嚴赤裸裸地擺出來。但儅我很努力地放下所謂的尊嚴奔向你的時候，你卻用最殘忍的沉默來踐踏我的勇氣。我知道，我已經破壞了我們之間微妙又危險的平衡。我還能說什麽呢？也許一開始是我錯了。是不是我錯了所以你要這樣對我？如果是這樣，那也沒什麽好辯的了。當初説好的幸福，我會把它們封存在記憶裏的某個角落。也只能這樣吧？ 我會時時刻刻提醒自己：傷過一次，不可再傷。這也是你說的。 好笑，說到這裡，我竟然一絲悲傷都沒有。 倒是覺得有那麽一點點慶幸。 從此，我會更加努力讀書。 不爲什麽，只因爲我生命裏的這一部分又多了一個缺口。 今天，我為自己的認清事實而感到開心。真的 :)

It's been a pretty good day, at least a lot better than I thought. It's a good start.

Yeah, my thoughts are overflowing, all the negative ones. I keep telling myself I must learn to derive happiness that comes from within myself. The first thing to do, however, is to stop all the negative thoughts. I MUST DO IT!

Well yes, I have succumbed anyway and caught Batman (I really prefer this name to the Dark Knight) this afternoon. I thought Christopher Nolan was really good at his angles especially at the start of the film and his choice of sounds which really contributed to the building up of the climax. I was thrilled for a moment. But I really didn't appreciate the slow pace and the performances of some actors (flabbergasted I think, because I really expected better from Hollywood celebrities). Speaking of which, for the longest time I have mistaken Christian Bale for Eric Bana, I must be nuts, but they do look alike somehow. And as always, Anne Hathaway is one of my favourite actresses and her role in the film is just way too cool. I hate to say this but, X-Men is still top on my list! P/S: I am very very very upset. How can Bosco and Myolie break up?!?!

And my heading tells it all. I think it is my first time winning money in mahjong this year. That aside, the day was pretty much filled with just laughter. I'm thankful once again. I know that no matter how hard I pretend, there are still people who know that I am not truely happy, but who do not expose me. Indeed, sometimes all I need is to hear "Are you ok?" despite knowing that I will say "Yes I am." Thank you Yanli for the snacks and note. Thank you Yan Hong for the messages at night. 因爲知道還有挂念我的人，所以我更要振作！ 加油！！！！

一部怀旧的电影 淋湿了心情 你的爱还在旅行或已定居哪里 也许遗憾和年轻 总绑在一起 不容许一点委屈 等放手才懂惋惜 静下心来发现过去大半是甜蜜回忆 我最快乐那一年 是你陪我经历一切 什么都生动又强烈 有真正在活着的感觉 我们最快乐的那一年 像浓缩了最精华的时间 短暂却永远是火焰 在情绪冰凉时暖和心田   多留恋都不能 活在从前 决定不愁眉苦脸 不让深爱的人挂念

再難過的日子都會過去，只要有毅力、有信念的話。 我要振作！！！ 加油！

Now I feel that it's a proper closure :)

It was great time spent with Yanli and company last night. I really, really love to laugh :) Thank goodness, my fever has subsided. P/S: Something very DL to confess. I want to watch Batman but dare not watch it alone after the incident in US. (DL = 丟臉) LOL.

最討厭生病了。

Me: Eric, I am in a bad mood. I want to eat Mac breakfast tomorrow. Eric: What time? I said this at 1 a.m. this morning and my great friend Eric met me this morning to eat Mac breakfast with me!!! While I know that I can be very wilful sometimes, I'm thankful there are always people who compromise with me! And then meeting LL in the evening was a plus point to the already good day. He made a passing remark which really touched my heart! :) LL is really an incredibly awesome teacher :) And so the rollercoaster of life moved upward at this point.

More often than not, I have to put up with an accusation of being someone I think I'm not, at least not all the time. No one likes to be accused, but what's worse is not being able to defend oneself. I merely ask to be understood, not fully, but at least an attempt in doing so. I'm afraid, however, it is to no avail, for it takes two hands to clap. And so, the best way out is to remain silent. Silence is sometimes the most cruel treatment, yet the most formidable defence. I have learnt. I realised it is really easy to be happy, but just why am I not? Why must there always be that cloud on the horizon? Is it me? I tried. I really did.

喜歡在外面不是因爲喜歡花錢，因爲呆在家裏總是會去想一些沒必要想的事。而因爲自己的笑點離譜的低，所以朋友說些無聊的事，我就會笑。笑了，人就會比較開心。 所以其實我是很容易開心的人對不對？ 我想可以做的，我已經做了。就到這裡吧。 無論如何，很感謝身邊關心我的朋友。這幾天真的覺得很溫馨。我想我是真的有人疼的 :)

可能你會說我神經病。但是看到林立老師貼心的電郵，我真的覺得很溫馨。 老師對學生真的很好！

好朋友就是知道你心情不好然後大老遠跑來你家附近陪你大吃大喝，再聼你講一大堆廢話。 因爲還剩下一點點的理智，所以今天沒有喝酒。 謝啦，衍興！You are now officially my new best friend in uni (可是那不表示我會停止酸你）. 剛才告訴自己，大吃大喝之後，就不可以再沉淪，一定要振作！ 所以我要振作！

因爲我總是把事情想得太美好。 因爲我總是以爲奇跡一定會出現。 所以我總是失望。 我應該慶幸，因爲我還剩下一點理性。 理性是唯一能夠區分幻想和現實的東西。

      再來一次。 有些東西，不去爭取，你不會知道自己最終會不會得到。 如果已經嘗試爭取，爭取不到，它或許不屬於你。 嘗試過就好。 我再也不會試了。 

終于找到了！！！！！

Mic and Lanhua got my parcel! I recall AhWU saying this in the short film PS I Love You, "Delivering flowers is equivalent to delivering love." (He acted as a flower deliveryman in the show.) I think sending letters/cards/parcels is as good as sending love too! Everyone needs a little surprise in life. That will really make life a lot more exciting and worth anticipating :)

我正在很努力地努力著。 即使最終確認了一些自己一直在尋找的答案，那也只是一種確認。 什麽都不會，也不能改變。

收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 爱 猜到没有 愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你 开心就够 这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够 假使讲了 你听到後或会走 这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有 成全 衷心祝福然後就放手 放手 放开所有 彼此更自由 放手 其实我绝非爱得不够 放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友 已经 已经足够 遥远是宇宙 静静在背後 去看守就够 这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够 即使一刹有过冲动 挽你手 这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有 成全 多舍不得仍然 是放手 放手 放开所有 彼此更自由 放手 其实我绝非爱得不够 放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友 已经 已经足够 放手 我的牵挂 找不到尽头 放手 期望你幸福甚麽都有 也许 爱很深厚 然而我早看得透 放手 至可拥有

真的好喜歡，好喜歡。 愛上你是最快樂的事，卻又換來最痛苦的悲。

Have been feeling a little empty lately, I don't know why. Maybe I am too bored and haven't really been doing anything constructive. I try to go out everyday because staying at home makes me think too much and it is very unhealthy. But going out means spending money so it is just as bad. I really wish school starts soon so that I can be constructively occupied. Then again, I foresee myself lamenting at the pile of work to accomplish when school really commences. Humans are so weird.  Something to rejoice over, nonetheless, is that LL is inviting a group of us to his house for BBQ. Awesome :)

不開心到開心的過渡很慢，開心到不開心的過渡卻很快。

除了想你 除了爱你 我什么什么都愿意 翻开日记 整理心情 我真的真的想放弃 你始终没有爱过 你在敷衍我 一次一次忽略我的感受 我真的感到力不从心 无力继续 这感情 不值得我犹豫 不值得我考虑 不值得我爱过你 这种回忆 不值得我提起 不值得想起 不值得哭泣 这段感情 早就应该放弃 早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹 这样的你 不值得我恨你 不值得我为你而坏了心情 我决定不为你而毁了心 放弃爱你

I think I haven't been this happy for some time. Maybe it's because I have finally bought my new laptop after contemplating for so long. Maybe it's because the staff at Best Denki was really friendly and helpful. Maybe it's because I borrowed some interesting books from the library today. Maybe it's because I met up with my primary school friends today and we caught up quite a bit and laughed heartily. Whichever the reason, it is always nice to be laughing and to be happy. I was supposed to inform sam about today's primary school gathering but I didn't, probably because I decided I need to live a life without him. After all, it's been more than half a year since I last saw him and I ought to keep up with the work. Come on GL, you are doing great! And then there goes the day, I hope I will be just as happy tomorrow :) P.S: Can't wait to get to work again so that I will stop slacking at home.

Attended Mel and Tsu's commencement today and I felt nothing but weird. Of course I'm happy for both my friends for having graduated from university. Yet, while I tried to put myself in the shoes of theirs, I didn't feel too erm.. excited? Then again, they may not think the same. What awaits after graduation should be quite a bit of everything - work, family, new goals - or at least it ought to be like that conventionally. Some have graduated with a few checked, but I have none. And so when I think about my very own commencement, I hope I don't even have to graduate, best, stay in school as long as I can. I have my dreams, but they seem so far away. People will say, no you can achieve your ideals, just work hard! I don't know how true that is, I just think I prefer to be a little more realistic (I do believe dreams come true). But the irony - when I'm crushed under the debris of reality, I wish I can continue to dream my dream. Then the cycle repeats. Few days b...

Had my second bibimbap this week with Yuru, Jiayi and Yanli at the food court below Concorde Hotel (I like their bibimbap best in Singapore). It was great to catch up with the girls and it dawned on me that there is always this nice feeling about meeting up with just girl-friends. They say, girls have 'girls talk'. I can't agree more. Within ourselves we can always talk about the funniest gossips and the darkest secrets openly. Most of all, there isn't really an image to maintain in front of my girlfriends. How comfortable. And talking about all the school stuff reminds me of my uni 革命姐妹黨 whom I constantly miss. Mic and Lanhua, can't wait for both of you to come back before we go to the beach with the rest again! On a side note, just few days back, Mrs. Chua asked me if they were the ones who changed or myself. I have been mulling over this question since then and today, I thought I could be the one. It struck me a few times these days if I would go nuts with the co...

What era are we in today?! There are times we have to conform but there are those we should not! We need to break free! There are times like this that I wish you are around.

今天跟小妹看了《画皮2》。挺失望的。从剧情到表现手法，很多细节都让我摇头。不过反正目的只是要陪小妹，老实说我并没有特别期待这部电影。毕竟这次阵容少了阿武，我就更少了一个理由去看。 刚才补习的时候，学生问我是否应该参加学校的羽球队。我反问他：“如果你想，干嘛还要顾虑那么多呢？” 他没出声。接着我说：“很多事不过就是要或不要，可以或不可以。不要想得太复杂。” 但为什么人就是不明白自己对别人说的道理呢？ 一直以来，把事情想得最复杂的人是我，反反复复的也是我。很多时候，我天真地希望每个人对于对与错的界定都会跟我一样，这样看事情就不会有太大太多的冲突。但怎么可能呢？ 每个人坚持的，不见得就是对的。只有你一个人坚持的，也不一定是错的。我不是不明白"Everyone agrees to disagree"的道理，只是有的人（譬如父母）往往会强制地把一件事说成是对或错的，对与错就这样定义了。你根本没有说话的权力。 对与错的界定就像枷锁。两者的定义关系着自由和束缚。我有自己的一套定义，却不是人人能接受。不能接受的，不是我的那套定义，不能接受的是人人都有自己对于对与错的定位。

可以不要自己去看医生吗？:(

http://youtu.be/i3CyLIezIAM Can't stop smiling!!! Heeheeeheeee

 I told best friend I was craving for hokkien mee and he was very on. And so we had the very nice hokkien mee near my place, where I had literally hokkien mee without prawns without squid, just mee! We had black carrot cake and our soup too. Awesome meal! It was damn filling but I was very satisfied because it has been some time since I binged like this! Thank you best friend for helping me satisfy my craving for hokkien mee and my crazy binging habit! I am a little surprised at my rate of spending these days especially since I have not been working part-time like I would usually during the holidays. I think the hardest thing to do now is to pull myself together and start revising my work. I really have to do it because I promised myself! Jiayou GL!!!

很不喜欢这种感觉。既希望有人了解，又害怕被人拆穿。踌躇了这么久，我从来就不知道自己真正最想要的是什么，也没勇气去寻找。只因为害怕面对找到的答案。 真想放弃这种对外在事物的依赖。但我知道，没了依赖，我只会剩下一具空壳，什么都不是。

KL trip was very short yet very fulfilling. I think this is the first time I shopped so little on an overseas trip but I actually love it anyway because all the sight-seeing and food were really awesome. If not for Geng Jie, Ying Xin and Pin Jan, I think it would have been very troublesome for us to explore the various places in Malaysia, and we would have missed all the good food! I think they really know their country pretty well, I could not have talked so much about mine if I were to bring them around Singapore. Most of all, they were really generous and hospitable to us. During the trip, Yanli and Edwin really took good care of me and I felt so pampered and reliant! I loved the journey back as I had always wanted to experience sleeping in a train. Edwin booked a very high-class and deluxe cabin for Yanli and I, such good life! Although I came back with very few purchases, I would say this has been a very fun-filled trip because of the interesting interactions, great food and new e...