past.

The last lines of the interviewer ring in my head. And so, it's already May. I'm not particularly upset or demoralised, yet. Probably because I haven't seen it for myself. I just thought about how happy I would have been if I were to know that I could get out of this place and look for some freedom. But I guess, this is wishful thinking on my part. I'm tired of the routine in my life in this place. But I know, it's probably here to stay.

I was kinda bombarded with AhWU issues after Sunday's awards, and that got me very irritated. For some time that night, I was angsty and trying very hard to contain my unhappiness. Not because AhWU didn't win anything, but because people would always come and tell me things I didn't want to hear when I was already upset.   I think, I will learn to stop being a fangirl from now on. I am so going to try.   Monday was one of the better days.   We had a sumptuous lunch at Roma Deli before finding our way around Arab Street for the Swiss roll that laoda wanted to bring back to her Taiwan hometown. (It's called Rich and Good Cake Shop, at 24 Kandahar Street.) I love walking through the alleys at Bugis (particularly at Arab Street) because they always give me a fresh feeling, as if I'm out of Singapore for a while.   Saving General Yang wasn't all that good a movie I would say (especially after watching Iron Man 3...). I feel that the director has been a little la...

I am speechless. And so I shall not say more. Just hope AhWU will be happy. And then I will be. He acts well and I know that.

从不明白 你怎么如此无赖 到底你知不知道 你的存在 令我无奈？ 早晨 不见人 夜里 装客气 天天闲着你不腻？ 无事献殷情 开口当扯平 你不累 我疲惫 同桌让我更反胃。 我只求 给我自由 只因此地不应再久留 再过几秋 再热的心都必将腐朽。

作词：姚若龙 作曲：宇珩 争执在慢慢累积 所以疲倦也默默累积 侵蚀了爱情 坍塌了亲密 心情在慢慢转移 所以焦点也默默转移 放大了问题 草草分离 璀璨回忆 化为灰烬 在冷静之后剩冷清 太倔强的人 没资格惋惜 若无其事 忍痛走下去 在深夜喃喃自语没有人像你 一句话就能带来天堂或地狱 你太懂得我 感动我从不费力 要伤我就更容易 彻底 最深刻那种感情 就是最动荡那种感情 虽然不安宁 却蕴藏惊喜 两全其美 不会降临 在冷静之后剩冷清 太倔强的人 没资格惋惜 若无其事 忍痛走下去 在深夜喃喃自语没有人像你 一句话就能带来天堂或地狱 你太懂得我 感动我从不费力 要伤我就更容易 像遗憾喃喃自语没有人像你 让困境或是命运不值得忧虑 不计划未来 享受当下的美丽 是任性还是勇气 越哭泣 越生气 多 嫉妒你爱恨都随意 对日记喃喃自语没有人像你 能那么自由 想放开就能舍弃 我恨我假忘记 却不停回忆 像遗憾喃喃自语没有人像你 让困境或是命运不值得忧虑 不计划未来 享受当下的美丽 为何我无法随性 像你

Scrolling down that interminable list of numbers every weekend always instills tremendous fear in me. Can I even call that fear? Why is it fear then? Am I so afraid of staying here? Am I afraid of not being able to get out of here? Maybe I am after all. Cant help but be overwhelmed by anxiety.

You have no idea how much I like the opening of Marvel movies. The flipping of the comics will always be the start of my excitement. A little pity this time, because the opening wasn't accompanied by the typical sound effects of the flipping of the pages.   I could totally understand when good friend Cyclops said that he found this movie 'so-so only'. I would say, Shane Black didn't make the movie as spectacular as the previous director did. Didn't quite like some of the jokes, and the transitions of two particular scenes were not so good. What I didn't like most was the idea of the making of the bad guys in the story (shall not be a spoiler for now in case there are people who haven't watched and are intending to). Reminds me a lot of Resident Evil. I would have preferred a storyline more individualised.   Apart from those, I think the movie didn't disappoint me eventually. Initially I was losing hope when I thought it was going to be another typical ...

好久没有觉得那么窒息了。 今天所做的任何事，仿佛没太有意义。 说话，只是为了回应。 吃饭，只是为了填饱肚子。 微笑，只是为了附和。 好想看完书架上那本看了一半的书，让自己冷静一下。 不能太习惯不被了解的时候就蹦着一张脸。 更不能习惯在心里嘶喊。 看书，可以让人的心平静一些。 我想我很需要。

事实再一次证明，信用这东西是最没有信用的。 你相信它，它却一而再，再而三地欺骗你。 突然间觉得，不论是生命中的哪个部分，亲情、爱情、友情，都总有个缺口。 根本不可能去填补每个缺口。 我偷偷的又对人性失去了一点信心。 这些都不是我想看到的。

  长长的路上....

Mixed feelings for the day. But that mixture comprises mainly happiness, satisfaction, contentment, nostalgia, and maybe a little bit of confusion.   I woke up at 9 a.m., feeling a little empty because I have finished all my assignments. I probably never took this long to get out of the house, for previously I was always rushing off to school. I loved going to school that much. (Not that I no longer love going to school. I just didn't have to rush since there was nothing awaiting.)   I walked to the coffee shop near Pei Tong Primary School in the hope of getting some puttu mayam (because it was the first thing I saw on Vivian's Facebook this morning) for laoda and company. Little did I know, the stall that used to sell that has closed down. So much for my enthusiasm early in the morning. That didn't kill my pretty good mood though. I walked back and got two soya beancurd and some durian puffs. I think that was really great courage because I hate durians and almost anythin...

It's 23 April 2013. Time check, 1.07 a.m. I have completed my last university assignment. I can't believe it myself. Four years have passed this quickly. All the pain and sufferings I have lamented about end here. I have completed my last university assignment. Not that it is something worth rejoicing. Nor grieving. It's just that the feeling of emptiness is beginning to creep in. What can I replace the looming emptiness with? I have completed my last university assignment. Gosh. Is there anything else to look forward to,  next semester? Wait. Is there a next semester to speak of?

作词：王雅君 作曲：林俊杰 当两颗心开始震动 当你瞳孔学会闪躲 当爱慢慢被遮住只剩下黑 距离像影子被拉拖 当爱的故事剩听说 我找不到你单纯的面孔 当生命每分每秒都为你转动 心多执着就加倍心痛 那些你很冒险的梦 我陪你去疯 摺纸飞机 碰到雨天 终究会坠落 太残忍的话我直说 因为爱很重 你却不想懂 只往反方向走 当爱的故事剩听说 我找不到你单纯的面孔 当生命每分每秒都为你转动 心有多执着就加倍心痛 那些你很冒险的梦 我陪你去疯 摺纸飞机 碰到雨天 终究会坠落 太残忍的话我直说 因为爱很重 你却不想懂 只往反方向走 我不想放手 你松开的左手 你爱的放纵 我白不回天空 我输了 累了 但你再也不回头 那些你很冒险的梦 我陪你去疯 摺纸飞机 碰到雨天 终究会坠落 太残忍的话我直说 因为爱很重 你却不想懂 只往反方向走 你真的不懂 我的爱已降落

Somehow I encounter deja vu every Saturday. It is so repetitive that I have, not gotten used, but feeling the same feeling all over again, predicting what will come next and things like that. The only thing left to do, is to hide in my room, lest I step on landmines. I had wanted to ask, if they could stop all these. But never had the courage to start.   So anyway, I find myself doing my assignments really slowly. I promised myself and my lecturers that I will get them done by Monday. But I am progressing so slowly, deliberately. Perhaps, subconsciously I do not want to finish all them so quickly. I don't want to have nothing to look forward to because these are the last two assignments in my uni life. I must be crazy.   Maybe I have loved school this much.

终于，我们来到这一天。 共享过的美好时光，愿彼此铭记于心。 虽曲终人散，但愿他日终将能再相聚。谈谈旧事，说说新志。 美好的，让我们翻出来再笑它一笑。 不美好的，那就冰释前嫌。 祝每一位留下脚印的人生过客： 在日后的人生旅途中，尝尽所有酸甜苦辣。唯有如此，才能体验人生。

不知道大家是开心，还是难过。 开心，也许是因为大家那么难得能够聚一聚。 难过，也许是因为大家相聚的时间大概不多了。 今晚的毕业晚宴，我没有难过。 只有满足。 能够让朋友记住，我觉得就很足够了。 大学本来就是大家来去匆匆的地方，要好好相处、认识并非易事。 也许是因为我们人不多，在一起的时间频繁，自然比较熟络。 一整晚，我并没有翻阅过特刊。 只是觉得，有些美好的时刻，记在心里最重要。 特刊里的内容只是将来回忆时一个助于寻找记忆的工具。 晚宴进行时，只想好好地记住当时的每一刻。 最后的环节，我向迎曦提议让每位毕业生上前去从老师手中领取纪念品，让大家在毕业前都感受一下“领奖”的成就感。 大学四年，我没上台领过奖。 所以这份成就感，我今晚感受到了。 离开国大中文系以前，我们都是得奖者。我们都是赢家。 于是，我们毕业了。 晚宴结束后，林立老师带着女儿离开前，跟我说：“谢谢你啊。” 我不知道他谢我什么。 就是很感动。 而他。 离开前，喊了我的全名。 我转头看他。 他说：“Bye bye.” 从前，他喜欢喊我的全名，然后跟我说了“bye bye”才离开。 我想，今天会是最后的“Bye bye”。 回到家，我正想着这件事。 突然手机震动了一下。 走过去看。 一个未接电话。 发了简讯过去问。 他说：“不小心按到。” 一小时后，再看到他的简讯。 我很感动。 请让我嚣张地觉得， 他是真的对我付出过真心的。

I remember blogging a long entry around this time last year, to talk about my graduation. And then I didn't graduate. I suppose, there is no way I can escape this fate now. Yeah, it's the last day of school today. If people had told me that "uni is a breeze" since my secondary school days, then yes, I would think so too. Time couldn't have passed more quickly than this, like a breeze. Like Mic, I thought of changing my major too. I even thought of dropping out of uni and go to poly instead. Until I got promoted to year 2, and met the group of wonderful people. I guess I don't have to harp on how good they have been. Words can no long articulate my gratitude towards these people. The real friends during my uni life have more or less been constant. I'm so blessed.   And I'm truly a blessed person. I have enjoyed the company, and have grown reliant on it. While knowing that I am going to lose it all, I know, I will remember it and keep these memories clos...

现在就好想大哭一场。 我真的好累。

不近不远，刚刚好。 今天我的心充满阳光。希望你也一样 :)

I received one of the best gifts today :) I think the exchange of gifts or that of simply friendship itself between friends is a very sweet thing. I am truly moved. Am reminded of this song by Blue: And the gift is what you get by giving more than you receive. And you're learning fast that maybe this is how you'll be happy. 'Cause in taking everything you lost the air you need to breath. But in giving it away, you found the precious thing you seek.

I can't be more relaxed than this. You bet.   I dozed off at around 9 last night and woke up at nearly 9 this morning. I was such a recordbreaker. Who would sleep at 9 p.m. these days? And sleep for nearly 12 hours? Still, the headache was so bad. And got worse in the afternoon, probably due to the scorching weather. After breakfast, I attempted to work on my paper. Managed a thousand characters. Then the headache got worse. So I decided to catch forty winks. And then I dreamt of going on a fieldtrip with Baoyu and Daiyu. Don't ask me how they look like, for I didn't manage to see clearly in my dream. I was pretty horrified, and I woke, to realise I have only closed my eyes for twenty minutes. It was hardly a rest.   The temples throbbed so hard, almost with rhythm.   I pulled myself together and continued with my paper. My kind sister got me a Ramly burger from the pasar malam at Jurong East. It was certainly a morale booster because if you noticed, I didn...

It's the second last Friday of school. I haven't recovered from flu but went out with Yanli. It was a simple yet lovely Friday. I got a free blouse!!! Confessions of a shopaholic. No, of a Singapore auntie. Got to work really hard.

亲爱的老四老五： 你们也跟了我三年。我也很舍不得你们。但是我想新的主人会对你们更好。 你们要乖乖哦！ 旧主人

又下雨了。 最近又重新爱上雨天了。 心情不好的时候，雨水仿佛会稀释所有不开心的事。 心情好的时候，雨的味道让人感觉清新。 雨天最适合放空。 生活步伐太快的时候，放空一下也不失为一种休息。 还记得一年前的雨天，那两人撑着一把白色雨伞的画面。 后面站着另一个用外套遮着头的。 雨水一点一滴地落下来。 那都是大学的点点滴滴。 我要更加珍惜这剩下的一周。

每次生病，都觉得自己是世上最可怜的人。 所以很感激陪伴我去看医生的朋友。 谢谢 :)

今天像做了一场噩梦。好想快点醒。 早餐、上课、午餐、补习，没有一刻不在想昨天听到的新闻。 真的很难过。 开始是因为阿武的选择。 后来想想，不该那么无聊。 只要阿武开心，我有什么理由不开心？ 后来更难过。 在网上、报纸上等看到的上百个留言和评论。 我在想，阿武会不会很后悔公开？ 他分享的时候一定是抱着喜悦的心情。 他不过想得到大家的祝福，换来的却是难听的话。 想到他很可能会看到那些流言，就为他觉得不开心。 我只是觉得，不祝福就算了。 为什么要说那么难听的话？ 很多人跟我说，他们无法理解我的想法。 是。 好像很无聊。 他都不认识我。我难过什么。 我想跟我一样那么疯一个艺人的朋友就会明白。 我喜欢阿武九年了。 他一直是我学习的榜样和读书的动力。 当你把一个人当作你的学习的对象时，不论认识不认识，也许你自然会希望那个人好，希望他继续是你的榜样。 我不过是这样的心态罢了。 流言蜚语肯定会继续接连不断。 希望阿武会保持他那一贯的平常心。 阿武，你一定要很幸福快乐！

My feelings today have been put on a rollercoaster ride.   It's 7 April.   Many years ago, I would say, "Happy Birthday Duncan James" on this day. Today, I'm still following Duncan's news on Facebook and Twitter.   Last year this day, we watched Titanic and he confessed. And then I decided I would move on from sam and try things out. But things didn't work out. And I have always thought it was me. Last night I secretly took a peek at the past. I think he did move me at that time. Today, we are hardly on talking terms but I suppose he is happy and I wish him true happiness.   Early April last year, AhWU got into an accident and I was really, really heartbroken. Today, he and Joanne Peh officially got together. I never felt this upset over AhWU other than that accident. But if he is happy, then I wish him happiness too.   Today, Chris texted and told me a piece of good news. Some time last week, I was really upset that he didn't respond to my message. Today ...

记得朋友说过：“有些小事不要太介怀。人会开心点。” 当时我只想，我介怀的都是大事。 可是有些事情释怀以后，就会发现当初很在意的不过都是小事。 有些人，也许你会很讨厌他曾经让你难过。 但时间久了，就算记忆不见得淡了，可是也没什么好讨厌的了。 再碰面的时候，打声招呼不一定是尴尬，而是一件令人愉快的事。 有些朋友，也许你们的生活理念不同，经常发生争执。 但时间久了，就算还是无法认同对方的想法，可是也没什么好吵的了。 再见面的时候，不一定要装作是好朋友，一切顺其自然就好。 有时候把事情看得太重，也许只因我们还在身历其中。 最重要是，回头看过去的时候，你到底释怀了没有？

Officially submitted ISM. I hope LL won't be too mad at me for my low intellectual ability. I always feel I have let him down. Nevertheless, I must say I have enjoyed what I learnt during the course of my writing and appreciated the surprises I got when I was doing my research. The sense of satisfaction when I found useful information was really unutterable. I am glad I managed to overcome that huge sense of loss and inferiority which almost killed me at the start. I wouldn't say I did a great paper, but I am thankful for the lessons I learnt. If I were granted an acknowledgement page, I really want to thank Prof. Lam Lap for his utmost patience and teachings. He is a great teacher, an encouraging one too. And I want to say sorry to him for not looking through my first draft before submitting it. He pointed out all my typo errors but never did make any criticisms. He even praised me, when I felt there was nothing worth praising. I looked at the red marks on my draft, I fe...

好久没有这样擦肩而过了。 好想说：“最近好吗？看起来很憔悴。” 但终究有些界限是不能越过的。

On days like this, I feel like a bad friend. That petty little woman who gets upset over the slightest things. And then I feel really sorry. That I failed being a good friend when I could be one. Let's just say, I'm selfish.

Started distributing my last study packs today. There was this slight tinge of sadness during the distribution. I wished I could include a lot more in the packs because this is my last time distributing study welfare packs to my friends. Unfortunately, I had to take into consideration budget constraint. I had enjoyed doing such stuff for my friends in uni, even though some say I have too much time to spare. While I had tried to look my happiest today, I actually did feel a little moody. Sucks to know school is ending for most of us in two weeks.   Until I met Yanli.   We had dinner, like any other days. We had Each A Cup, but shared one cup. (How ironic?) We wandered in Clementi Mall, as always, hardly getting bored of that place we have finished circling since last year.   I am contented. And happy.   I guess we must all learn to embrace parting. Much as I do not want to leave school and my dear friends, it's inevitable. It's the end of something yet the b...

  最近在做跟镜子有关的研究。 突然想到曾经有个人跟我说：“做人要用心若镜”。 当时不停的追问意思。但最后也没得到答案。 今天想起，才去查了一下。 【释义】若镜：像镜子一样。意思是像明镜一样，纯客观的反映事物。 【出处】《庄子·内篇·应帝王》“至人之用心若镜，不将不迎，应而不藏，故能胜物而不伤。”   今早看到他的一则留言。最后还加了一个笑脸。 还以为自己在做梦。 也许太久没看到了。 我想说，我已经知道意思了。但当时，你真有用心若镜吗？ 还是你和我都只是自欺欺人的两个镜像？

在最忙碌最难熬的时候，总是最珍惜跟朋友在一起的时光。 然后希望时间暂停，让我们停留在闲聊的时刻，不必为任何事而烦。 这群人不能替我把作业完成。 不能代我上课。 但彼此同病相怜。 也就足够了。 我们不也在寻找同船的人吗？