past.

现在坐在机场的一个角落等待时间过。即是兴奋，又是紧张。当初冲动的决定是因为真的很想尝试一个人到外面去。一下子都好。就是觉得在这里很窒息。我想我是应该很珍惜这次的机会的。希望通过这次的旅程，可以把一些事情想清楚，改变自己看事情的角度。最重要是知道自己要什么。

http://youtu.be/e-pYUMq4Wm4 When I’m grateful And I’m staring at the sky I feel so small like a ship against the tide Still I know there’s a simple truth I am grateful When I hear the saddest song In that moment I know I am not alone Someone else feels the same way too To be grateful even in my heartache and my pain To be grateful when it feels like I’m about to break Ever grateful For the scars along the way And I’m thankful for each mistake I’ve made Cos somehow it all led me to you To be grateful even in my heartache and my pain To be grateful when it feels like I’m about to break When I’m grateful And I’m staring at the sky I feel so small – still so good to be alive Cos I know I share it all with you   This is the last track in a1's Rediscovered album. It really touched my heart when I first heard it. Probably one of the best songs I have heard in ages. I want to share this song with all the people I'm grateful for.

Yes, I suppose I am indeed bruised and battered, both physically and mentally.   I had breakfast with yl at YIH yesterday. I thought it had been some time since I last had egg and toast with yl so I met her there in the hope of enjoying a great breakfast before studying for my exam. Before I was about to feast on my half-boiled eggs, I decided to wash my hands first. And so I entered the foodcourt to use the tap. When I was walking out of the foodcourt after I was done, God knows what happened, the automatic glass door did not slide open and there, it ran over my foot. Goodness gracious, it. was. painful. I decided to ignore the pain but discovered that it was bleeding pretty badly after I was done with my meal. Being the timid person I have always been, I refused to go to UHC to have it handled and went to study instead. Frankly, it was so painful that I was on the brink of tears, but because I thought yl was likely to cry along with me if I did so I held back. Eventually yl still...

好朋友跟我说了她的事。我哽咽，没说什么。我难过，一是为她难过，二是为人类难过。昨晚睡觉前，信任的问题一直在我脑里打转。因为昨晚我终于鼓起勇气问了一个我一直不敢问的问题。他的答案是，没有。我曾听过这么一句话，“你相信的话，对方说的话就是真的。” 所以经过昨晚，我知道，问题已经不在于他说的话是否属实，问题在于我不再相信他。也许因为这样，所以对于他的狡辩，我并没有感到特别难过。甚至，今天早上睡醒时，我几乎都忘了这件事。直到朋友跟我说了自己的事，我才再想：如果连你最用心信任的人都欺骗你，那世上还有可以相信的人？但再看看今天这个时代，似乎‘骗人’这个概念都已经不是那么清楚。是说谎才算是骗人吗？那么隐瞒呢？不说谎话却隐瞒真相算是一种欺骗吗？似乎就是有些人认为不是，所以可以很潇洒很坦然地一笑置之。今天所听到的，令我再次得到很深刻的体会。我想此后我会更难再信任，再信人。 如果世上有个‘说真话’的机器，你最想对谁使用这个机器呢？你最想问的是什么？ 是不是这世界只剩下欺骗和背叛？热热的心好像一直在慢慢冷却。

The best thing about today is going home with Lanhua and Yi Rong. It's been some time since we went home together on the same bus. It really reminds me of the good old days when a group of us would take the same bus home together. And it is always opportunities like such that make me hesitant about applying for hostel. The girls were really nice. They sat beside me and heard me bombard all the nonsensical and repetitive stuff till I alighted. I really appreciate their presence and patience.   I am so tired, really. Mentally more than physically. I mean, it's always the case, right? I really hate to live by your standards, but I still try my best to. That's because I know you pin high hopes on me and I don't want to disappoint you. But no matter how hard I try, you have something to say about me. I came back with a headache, only in the hope to be showered with some concern, but only to be confronted by more accusations. I am so, so tired, you know?   I feel that there a...

I know I haven't been a nice person. And I don't know how to handle this. So all that I can do is to feign ignorance and live my life. Sorry.

我最不喜歡悲劇收場了。 突然覺得，編劇寫出美好的結局比寫悲慘的結局更加困難。因爲在經歷那麽多問題之後，要得到一個完美的結局真的不容易。

I've been spotting white strands of late and I think that tells a lot about my mental stress this semester. I have to admit, it is probably the first semester I have broken down twice because of work and one that made me realise many things. Nevertheless, it is over. I think it was quite a crazy two days spent ever since I submitted my two last essays on Thursday. Let's see.   I caught Cold War with yl on Friday afternoon and truth be told, much as I didn't catch some parts, I really liked the movie. I enjoyed the intensity during the movie but most of all, I so love the cast!!! I believe there will be a sequel to this one and I guess I probably won't miss it! After movie yl and I carried out our favourite activity which was shopping. I probably went nuts that I spent quite a bit on materials. And then it was mahjong session at YH's. Chillax moments :)   At night I met Ohana for dinner and albeit a short session, I did enjoy myself a little. To add, I spent again, o...

老實說，我真的很害怕這種感覺。

I have finally completed the essay which I started from scratch. It really wasn't easy. In the process, I was close to tears every time I thought about how I had ended up at this stage. I wouldn't say that working on the assignment was pressurizing. What was, was probably the hurt caused and which I just couldn't get over. I mean, a friend I held so dear to me actually accused me of something which I didn't think I was guilty of. I kept saying, "Forget it, it's over." but as a matter of fact, I actually really minded. This time, it is really over. The assignment, not the friendship. But nothing changes the fact that a friendship that I've always cherished is scarred now and whatever is done cannot be undone. This assignment actually made me see things a lot clearer and allowed me to know myself a little more. I think I could have done a lot more for this essay had I not spent three hours out with my friends yesterday. Nevertheless, I do not regret it b...

我常说，幻灭的希望让人难受。但我却一而再再而三地幻灭别人的希望。但在那之前我真的觉得自己可以的。但最终我还是不能。

No wonder people say, when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go thereafter is up. I guess it's true too. I can't possibly go any lower. I've been proven that the emotional struggle I've undergone for the past three days, at least, has been pointless. I don't think I should speak up for myself because as a matter of fact, I did abandon the group abruptly and chose to give a reason which was apparently absurd. It's just that I never thought of being doubted by a friend, one that I thought of first before making a decision. I never thought I would be seen as someone who would do something I like at the expense of my friends. One thing I always thought was my priority in life was, my friends. Maybe I was wrong after all. Maybe I still put myself before my friends. Whichever, I think things have somehow become clearer. I failed to see the full picture because I didn't step out of the picture to look at it. I'm sorry I didn't stick around till the end.

I appreciate the voice call with my new best friend. I hardly hear him speak so rationally and I know that shows that he is genuinely concerned and wants to make me feel better about myself and about the things happening around me. I'm thankful. Thank you friend.

Kept telling myself I must not cry because I didn't want to become vulnerable. This is such a critical period. But when Mic called me, I totally broke down at the rooftop. I have often cried to myself when I reach my limits but I never cried to anyone, not even my mum. I only cry in my pillow or in the showers. I guess I really am at my tipping point now. Thank you Mic. And thank you yl for speaking to me at the rooftop. I know I am playing the role of the bad guy now. But Geng Jie tells me, it's ok, we do not think you are the bad guy and that's enough. I guess that's true too. And I don't want to be misunderstood by a good friend even though I think I shouldn't speak now lest I make things look worse. Maybe I'll just leave the rest unspoken. I'm so tired of explaining. Thank you people who care and constantly encourage me.

不可以哭.

It's pretty upsetting when you are feeling really, really down and your friends ask you, "So what is it again this time?" I'm not sure if it's me but it just sounds like I'm the one always blabbering non-stop. I guess that is why I no longer tell people about things going on around unless people ask me. I had wanted to stay out tomorrow night and the night after because my brother has invited his two Hong Kong friends to stay over at our place, in my room during their visit in Singapore. I hate to have to move my stacks of things out again and deprived of a place to rest when I get home. But I thought I would just succumb anyway because I do all the time. And I was all ready to go against my mum's wish of me staying out. Then... My mum had hot soup spilled all over her today and so my guilt sets in. It just means that I am going to come home tomorrow anyway, even though I will be deprived of a space.   And then of all times, my project group mate had to te...

这个学期，周二对我来说是矛盾的。   一方面因为连续上五个小时的课，肚子遭殃，所以悲。 另一方面因为向往林立老师的课，上课开心，所以乐。   今天这个周二，只有乐。   今天是我在国大上的最后一堂林立老师的课。超舍不得的。但没办法，老师所有开的课我大概也修过了。最大的遗憾就是错过了他的唐宋词。老师的课我从来没拿过A，但我总是很享受上老师的课。因为老师真的对学生很好。对于那些只会上百度查资料顶撞老师的同学，老师会潇洒地反驳他们。对于那些怎么说都不明白的学生（比如我），老师会不厌其烦地解释。有些老师对学术抱有很大的热忱，有些老师则较注重生活。我觉得林立老师在这两者之间有很好的平衡。他热爱古典文学，也热爱生活。他总是能够启发我，让我觉得读书不为名利，而为更懂得人情世故。今天下课之前，老师说，个人选择很重要，尽量做一个自己认为是对的决定。我觉得主修中文认识老师这么好的人是我做过最对的决定之一。感恩。   除此之外，今天本来是个非常冷的周二。   我跑来跑去做事情，根本没时间好好坐下来喝杯水。口好渴。要去上课的时候，彦丽买了一杯豆奶给我。我一般喝豆奶都要加甜。但今天的豆奶不加甜却已经很甜。   刚才休息时间，吴明士送上一碗明火白粥，还有我最喜欢的nuggets，突然间感到一股暖流。真的。好感动。那是朋友们吃饭后对我的挂念。让人记着的感觉真好。正好我又肚子好饿，她们真是贴心。   这是这个学期的最后一个周二。是我最快乐的周二。

Jiayi is so sweet :) She mentioned me in her dedication list for her HT! I'm really honored.   I recall how I met Jiayi in Year 1 and I was really scared of her because she gave me this intimidating feeling which I only got over of in Year 3. That was about a year ago. We started lunching and studying together, and then we caught up more often over meals when I moved into RVR. I remember once we went for lunch and I left my laptop on a chair in the canteen. I only realised it when we returned to the library. I immediately ran out to find it when I realised that it was missing. Then I saw Jiayi running behind me. She was almost as worried as me. Another time we met for dinner after her work at Mediacorp. Initially I was quite worried about eating with her solo because it was the first time and I only just got over my fear for her. We had a great dinner eventually and sat outside Toa Payoh's KOI for two hours while we gossiped ab...

It's been some time. I went to Maxie's house to slack and attempted to do some work. I really miss those days when I would drop by his place almost every weekend to simply slack in his room or even nap on his cosy bed (which he calls a slut calling out to him all the time).   Anyway, I have read the handwritten birthday messages by Ohana and although I dislike hearing apologies which appear on almost every page, I appreciate all the effort. Thank you dear friends :) May we celebrate more years of friendship to come.  

After keeping my craving at bay for nearly a month, yl and I finally went singing again. This time, with my son! We had fun and I really enjoyed myself. I suddenly realised too, that some songs really accompanied me through tough times and some, tell a story of a particular episode in my life. But somehow, when that episode has passed, the song, no matter how meaningful or sentimental, does not trigger any more emotions, perhaps just faded memories. And so, it proves again, that time does heal wounds.   And come new songs, new episodes, new people, and new memories.

在等電梯的時候，從電梯旁邊的玻璃板中看到一個眼熟的身影。回頭看，是個曾經再熟悉不過的面孔。 “原來是你哦。” 霎那間，好像有種強烈又莫名的陌生感。不懂得應該怎麽回答。 雖然上課時都會見面，但很久沒有像這樣，只有兩個人。 但不知道爲什麽，儘管是兩個人，儘管站得很近，卻好像隔著非常遙遠的距離。 好像眼前這個人我從來都不真正認識。 也許因爲我從來都不知道，也不明白，你爲什麽可以僞裝得這麽好。 我看著你的笑臉，覺得很窒息。從前看到你笑，我都會想笑。現在，我會想，你那個笑容的背後到底隱藏著什麽？ 是不是曾經相識過的陌生人顯得更加陌生？ 可不可以有人告訴我？