past.

也许，我是说也许，再深再久的感情，终究也有附带条件。 我并没有不满，只是有点感伤。 但毕竟自己还未处在那样的阶段，也许话不能说得太早。 我只知道，够懂我的人会晓得我感伤比生气的成分多很多。

I think I really haven't been writing. It's not that I am extremely busy, I just don't know whether to write in English or Chinese (Cantonese included). I think I remember saying that I write in English when it came to issues that required me to be more rational, and in Chinese when I am feeling melancholic. But these days, I think there is so much in my head that no word seems apt and neither language can help me express myself in the best way possible. That's not to say bad things happened over the past few days. It was a mixture of good and bad. A, Z, G and I caught Don't Go Breaking My Heart 2  last night. It was pretty last minute, but A and I had wanted to catch it even before it came out so I was quite anticipating a good movie. While it was another production by my favourite Johnnie To and Wai Ka-Fai, somehow I wasn't too satisfied with the ending. In fact, I actually felt torn. I felt a void upon learning the protagonist's choice in the first movie....

I wonder when all these nonsense will end.

2014年11月14日。星期五。阴。 最近都下雨。 也许因为这样，心情也比较放松。 又是星期五。 好久没有在星期五傍晚不打球。 所以拖着身子离开办公室，想想应该怎么度过这个傍晚。 到了巴士，看见那个穿着橙色衬衫，再熟悉不过的身影。 只可惜巴士正好来了，并没多聊。 但星期五傍晚看到最喜欢的老师还是很开心的。 又是星期五。 大家都忙。 本以为今天肯定一个人在外溜达，结果妹妹决定跟我吃饭。 于是呢，我硬拉她来做我每个星期五傍晚会做的事。 又是星期五。 我又坐在星巴克。 又是那个可爱的咖啡师在值班。 我旁边坐着一个女的。她没买饮料，只是坐在那里用手机。 我不禁想: 她不会为了用免费wifi跑来这里吧? 好像有点自私。 妹妹说我好像在上演《等一个人咖啡》。 但我好想说，里头的女主角在等一个人，同时也有人在等她。 而我呢? 我总是等的那一个。 这次，我连自己在等什么都不是很清楚。 也许是听过太多编制得太美的谎言。突然觉得，这个世上没有什么是值得全心去相信的。 于是呢，我告诉自己，慢慢的，不要再等了。 才发现，原来很多事，因为太肯定，所以提高了要求。 回头看看，发现有些事情自始至终都没变过。 只是我的要求提高了， 所以奢望也多了。 难道人与人之间的感情不都是如此吗? 我旁边坐着的那个女的放下了手机。 一个男的捧着两杯咖啡坐到她面前。 原来她也在等。

Much as I am in my mid-twenties, I am still scared of going to the doctor myself. But while I don't like to, here I am. The clinic always makes me feel vulnerable, and more so today because of a nightmare that literally jolted me awake at 2.25am. I think I woke up three times at least. It set me thinking why he just wouldn't let me off. In the dream, he didn't die after all. He scolded me for not doing much for him, as if he had done anything for me. At the end of this line, I think I know that I'm probably the one who wouldn't let myself go. Honestly, I just don't know how. This nightmare never discontinues, and it kills me all the time. Have you wondered how it's like to wake up in perspiration and finding it difficult to get back to sleep? I have this problem since he was around and even after he's gone. This is so exhausting.

I had wanted to say, people do change after all. But some would say, it's because the right one has not come along. I never tried being defensive, in fact, I categorised that under my KIV file because I do not have a similar experience to speak of. Still, it was sad to hear. I have nothing against anyone who says that, I am just feeling slightly melancholic over such theory being theorised. I was not mad, at all. I guess I was just trying to erase those thoughts before returning to reality. The process was a quick one, and which I was thankful for. During today's game, I felt I lost focus, again. However towards the end, I think I was getting it back. I wished we could play every week so that I could constantly work on it. Unfortunately the cash in my activesg account has run out. Zzz. We haven't had the vegetarian food at the coffee shop for dinner in a while. The food was still pretty good, except the portion seemed to have diminished a bit. We had Starbucks again. The sa...

Friday. It was a very short badminton game. But I really, really enjoyed it. Because it was one of those very rare times when I would actually stay focused during the game. My mind is hardly on the shuttlecock during games but that day I loved how focused I was because to me that is one of the main purposes of playing sports -- concentrate and forget about everything else. Maybe I ought to attribute that to the two strangers who offered to play with Ser Hui and I. So anyway, the late night supper with the primary school clique was an enjoyable one. We behaved very much like we did more than a decade ago. But it felt good. Because we all need to feel young once in a while. Saturday.  It seems that the GTL clique always hangs out aimlessly on a weekend afternoon. We did that again yesterday. But I figured you could only do that with people you are most comfortable with. So I couldn't be more thankful. Mum whipped up some simple dishes for dinner. It was all that I asked for on a Satu...