Much as I am in my mid-twenties, I am still scared of going to the doctor myself. But while I don't like to, here I am. The clinic always makes me feel vulnerable, and more so today because of a nightmare that literally jolted me awake at 2.25am. I think I woke up three times at least. It set me thinking why he just wouldn't let me off. In the dream, he didn't die after all. He scolded me for not doing much for him, as if he had done anything for me. At the end of this line, I think I know that I'm probably the one who wouldn't let myself go. Honestly, I just don't know how. This nightmare never discontinues, and it kills me all the time. Have you wondered how it's like to wake up in perspiration and finding it difficult to get back to sleep? I have this problem since he was around and even after he's gone. This is so exhausting.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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