past.

于是呢, 我又开始对自己的定位感到很怀疑。又或者一开始, 这本来就不是我的岗位? 老实说, 我真的不知道我还可以怎样。我觉得自己独自在这艘船上, 偶尔风平浪静, 偶尔狂风骇浪。无论是个什么情况, 我都一直确保自己在水面上, 不能沉沦。只是这样的反反复复还是会让人有点厌倦。 但目前我还在努力着, 希望可以划到看见海岸为止。

The last time Z and I watched Star Awards together was 2011, where both AhWU and Ruien received The Best Actor and Best Actress Award respectively. I stayed over at her place and we discussed about the awards till we dozed off with me on the lower deck and her on the top. Three years later both our favourite people did not get the same awards. But we were happy that Rebecca and Chen Liping bagged their deserving trophies. I was exceptionally happy for Rebecca because I have always felt she is a rising star. We did not discuss about the awards this time. Maybe we are grownups now. We talked about friends, about people, about life. Then Z dozed off. She always does first. It took me at least another half an hour to get to lala land for I was thinking about AhWU's words. We shared a plate of salad for breakfast. It was pretty good and definitely healthy. The only reason why I would like JEM is because of M&S. So I naturally and happily got my guilt-free (but at the rate I am eatin...

"这个奖我爱过, 也恨过。平衡过, 也不平衡过。我想如果有一天我对它能拿得起也放得下, 我会很开心。我现在很开心。" His words kept ringing in my head such that I kinda had a hard time getting to sleep last night. His speeches always inspire me. Last night's is not an exception. I guess everyone's bound to have a love-hate relationship with something in life. After much struggle over time, there can be neither love nor hate left. Freedom. What is left is the freedom to love (and even hate) other things again. There is hardly any need to feel sore about any particular thing for far too long. I have learnt. Congrats, my favourite AhWU :)

I'm tired. Really really drained. It has been a long day, but I felt it has been a week... I knocked out after a game of badminton last night. I loved the adrenaline. But I only slept at 1.30am and woke up 7 hours later. Mr. Yeo has passed on for months and I have always hoped to see him in my dreams. He finally appeared. In the dream, he flips open two dictionaries and tells me to be careful when I use dictionaries. Then I see him joke with his daughter in his living room. Mrs. Yeo and I sit at a corner, I am tearing while talking to her. When I woke up, I felt emotionally exhausted. I didn't quite want to return to the waking world because I had not spoken to him. Over lunch today, I shared with his family my dream. I hope he appears in theirs too. The first mad rush came when I hurried to meet mum and sis. After procrastinating for years, I finally brought my mum to the national museum which she always wanted to visit. I suggested the trip today. Probably because I felt I re...

累。但累得开心。 一早起来就为了守在电脑前买演唱会的票, 还要在小妹起床前弄好早餐给她。 很久很久没下厨了。虽然有点笨拙, 但见妹妹吃得津津有味就觉得很满足。 是的。很满足。 今天特别开心。没有下雨, 也没吃什么大餐, 更没有看电影。就出了一身汗。爽。 他们提起一些名字, 我也觉得心不再痛了。 今天听到名字已经没有感觉, 也许, 我是说也许, 很快就算碰面也不会心痛了。 也不知道为什么。我竟然不为失去的那些感到惋惜。又或者, 不再觉得有什么可惜的了。 我想"永远"这个程度词是不能用在人身上的。所谓的永远终究也是稍纵即逝。 但也正因为如此, 你才会明白一生要为自己而活。 对于过客不必再感到特别不舍, 只需说声 "可惜不是你"。

There's this realisation, that I'm getting busier, and busier. For my students, for my research work, for myself. There is hardly time to do anything else. If I could spare an hour or two, I would use the time to complete a Math exam paper which often turns out to be very mind blowing but thus gives me a greater sense of accomplishment if I could do the questions. I think I am loving myself more. Not with Starbucks. Not with a long sleep. Not with the space and time to sit down in front of the TV watching CLIF3. I decided to just boycott it unless I happen to walk past the box when I am free. Students are darlings today. One gave me a box of cheesecake for no particular reason. Another gave me two sweets because it was her birthday she wanted to share her joy. When I was crossing the overhead bridge today it crossed my mind again. But it did not hurt this time. I think things are really working out. But I shall not attempt any trials yet. Am happy the way things are. Beginning ...

我总是觉得, 晚上光顾理发店的人, 应该不是很快乐。压力太大, 所以不能等到周末白天去剪, 非得在周日晚上解决。今天我是理发店里的最后一个顾客。踏进去之前, 我其实还是有点犹豫的。2010到现在, 我从来没再剪过短发。因为从2009开始, 就觉得S只喜欢长发的女生, 所以就告诉自己要把头发留长, 想说也许有一天他会喜欢上我。殊不知并不是头发长短的问题。今天理完头发后, 看见镜子里的自己, 还是觉得短发适合我。虽然并不是特别短, 但不像平时那样可以闲着没事拨弄一下, 也不能再甩去一边。不过感觉斩断了一堆牵挂, 心里很是舒服。毕竟我已经说了一年多要剪却一直找借口让自己开脱。A说把长发剪掉的人有两种: 一, 看不开。二, 看开了。我自然不是前者。现在整个人很轻盈。我知道那是发自内心的。LL中午来电。我知道这一天终究会来。想了一天, 我已经得出一个结论。从没比这次更果断。 刚刚收到R从珀斯寄来的信。很感动。虽然近来心灵因为很多事强大了许多, 但看到她的信还是忍不住泛了点泪。也许有时候不能不承认时间终究扮演一个相当重要的角色。时间够久, 有些东西自然看得清。而先跟你建立起时间桥梁的人看得还是比较多, 比较清楚。看不清的, 桥反正也会断, 并不是我们执着就能补救的。很感恩很感恩。 "我已剪短我的髮　剪斷了牽掛　剪一地不被愛的分岔..."

Tuesday has flown past. Time seems to pass really quickly these days, not too bad an idea. Suddenly that feeling of having lost track of time is back again and it can be a good thing. I have got quite a number of things on my plate and I am not complaining because they keep me very constructively occupied. Yes I still do dwell on certain matters but they no longer make me upset. So I guess, people do get out of troughs eventually even if they do not want to. What's more I have always wanted to? There are still matters that get on my nerves. Like how this student I cared for so dearly decides he does not need my help anymore. Like how my brother throws my clothes and belts away to make space for his precious lego. Like how CLIF3's editing and Ng's acting are so terrible they make me shake head repeatedly. But I am glad. I can hardly get angry for more than five minutes now. Maybe it is the bipolar issue, which comes in useful during times like this. Maybe I have hit rock bot...

一早起来就看到一个熟悉的书名。 原来那本书真的拍成电影了。 曾经我们不过为着书本后面的一句话买下那本书。 当时读完故事之后，我还说我完全可以想象故事拍成电影。 如今却有谁稀罕当初的那句话？ 说到底，所有理想化的以后和等待终究只是一个谎言。 也许说出口的那一霎那是最真实的感受，但如果只为那一霎那而说，又有什么意义？ 但我知道，人会变，感情会淡。 所以世间的所有善变只不过是常理，怨不得任何人，任何事。 电影，我是一定会去看。 美好结局，不需要太相信了。

有时候我会想，这个世上还有什么是可以紧紧抓牢的？ 不是回忆。 不是时光。 不是人。 也不再是信念。 今天再次踏进四库，感觉很熟悉又很陌生。 里头的味道唤起许多记忆。但里头的面孔却未曾相识。 我想起那段日子。 四库翻新的时候，书架、书本我有份搬。桌子椅子我有份搬。东西的位置我有份决定。 再后来，每个星期四早上8点20分冲到那个位子。 再再后来，在四库的相识和相知。 只可惜不曾相惜。 然后慢慢的，我也不到那里去了。 如今再次踏进那个地方，因为味道太熟悉，只需要闭上眼睛，看见的全是你们的面孔。 但睁开眼睛后看到的却是现实。

Back in 2007 when AhWU was awarded Screen Heartthrob in the 2000s era Award, he was not present. Today he finally clinches an award in Show 1, but he was not around again. That was quite disappointing. I still get nervous though, whenever he is nominated for an award and when the results are about to be announced. Overall, I thought the event's standard is deteriorating over the years. It is good to have everyone recognised for his or her efforts but since they have decided to come up with an award to recognise the MOST OUTSTANDING performance, does it still make sense to present an award to three nominees at the same time, out of five nominees? The same can be said for games and sports. We always have just one champion in every game played and even if there is a draw, something has to be done to sift out an ultimate winner, no? Nevertheless,  congratulations to all winners.

I feel sorry, really. For the teachers who are (or were) so full of passion. Who put in so much effort and time.  Who sometimes put up with school politics and nonsensical workload. All for their students. Some people say, some teachers teach for the sake of teaching as a job. They do not have passion. Matter-of-factly, they probably used to have passion. But passion diminishes along with it being attached to career. Passion erodes. Some people say, teachers who cannot handle students are ineffective. I beg to differ. In all fairness, some teachers do not put handling students' disciplinary issues in the picture of teaching. I used to think everyone definitely has a teacher he or she is inspired by in one's lifetime. For some, they aspire to become a teacher because of that inspiring teacher. And often, do we not superficially think that teaching is merely a passing on of the torch of knowledge? Who would have thought that there are other strings attached? If you have had your ...

他们总说, 岁月绝不饶人。 曾几何时, 我们从不当真。 今时今日, 悲痛让心留痕。 他们总说, 人海浩浩茫茫。 放眼望去, 到底大海苍茫? 还是希望渺茫? 岁月逝去, 暗暗带走青春。 残忍留下, 伤心的人沉沦。 纵使幸存, 也被愧疚噬吞。 岁月沉默, 不知带人何许。 唯今之计, 祈求亲人相聚 快速终结 哀伤的回旋曲。 注: 本诗是看了有关韩国'岁月'号沉船事故的报道后有感而发。

For a while I thought I was done with losing things. I really thought so.

So I phoned A at 5.13 p.m. and asked if she wanted to catch a movie. Her reply kinda amused me. "Movie? Winks." The emoticon on whatsapp emerged in my mind. We got the tickets probably twenty five minutes before it was shown. Ahh, I had missed commericials in theatres, especially GV's because they have the longest. It was yet another typical Hollywood romance comedy but it is always one of my favourite genres! I still love Cameron Diaz albeit she has aged so much. The story plot is pretty fluid and while the ending is way too predictable, I thought it has kept me constantly immersed and amused. The part Kate puts on the wedding gown and breaks down as well as the scene she throws the rings away into the sea really touched me. "When is this going to end?" "This is going to suck a lot, and then suck less..." The scene that portrays the Statue of Liberty thereafter is quite apt. Freedom. Once you let go and decide to move on, you gain freedom. That's ...

Ya. I'm sitting here again. By the glass panels this time. I don't know why. I was just drawn here. It was a relatively good time spent with the uni people, I think. But like I have said earlier, I really cannot find meaning in meeting people these days. So I don't feel exceptionally happy or anything. Not sad of course. Singing with Lane and Lisar last night was not particularly therapeutic too. Or should I say, I don't even need any form of therapy anymore. If my heart is the ocean, it cannot be calmer right now. Then again, it is not like the calm kind of calm. If you know what I mean... I shall catch a movie with one of my favourite friends A now.

Really, good things come together. I am thankful. Chew chew must be one of my lucky stars. Jiayou GL. Somehow I always feel better on the day I go to Mr. Yeo's place. Maybe there's always this energy I get after leaving his place.

Amit's songs were on loop for nearly four hours yesterday. Is this a sign of withdrawal? From the norm, that is. The weight hit an all-time low this morning. So I gave myself an excuse not to swim today. I feel like dying.

I was telling J last week that I would refrain from Starbucks because I had to save up for my trip. Here I am again, sitting here with my soyed latte, missing the 9pm drama because this season does not interest me that much. In my memory, this has been the longest that I haven't touched the drink since I got hooked. It was not really an addiction after all. More like an elixir, considering the frequency I consume it whenever life crumbles. I thought I needed it again. The feeling just has to return when I thought I was slowly getting better. And clearly that is no one's problem. It's me. It's vulnerability. I told Lane I was in a dilemma, whether to have my drink hot or cold. Always hot, she said. And so for the very first time I had my soyed latte hot. The taste does differ. It is bitter. Uncanny. Seemingly it helps better in healing. Is that why medicine is always awful tasting? While queueing I looked around and saw a few people drinking the same drink. Did they need...

尋晚發咗個好夢，夢到自己剪咗頭髮。唔知點解，今朝一醒覺得開心啲。有人講，發夢見到自己剪咗頭髮係代表自己准備重新嚟過。我諗我好快可以復元。而家只要顧住比較重要、比較鐘意嘅嘢。其他嘅嘢，乜都唔細理。我諗噉應該夠喇。無論點都好，要繼續加油！

2014 年 4 月 7 日。阴。 Time is gone. 逝去的时间。 那年第一次出门我嚷嚷要买的手表最后买了 。 虽然只值 5 块钱 , 但好像从没怎么损坏过。时间是停了几次 , 但最终还是没事了 , 调一调又能继续用了。 就跟我们一样。 所以我偶尔确实会把它当作是理所当然的。 但它一直都是我最常戴的那一只。 直到近来表带断了。 修手表的师傅说没得换了 , 因为很难再找到适合这只表的表带。 时间没有停 , 但它终究没什么价值了。 就跟我们一样。 母亲说反正付的代价不高 , 没损失 , 叫我把它扔了。 我仔细地想了想。 我不介意它得来容易 , 不在乎我有没有损失。 但我恨它背弃我。 于是我扔了。 也希望所有一起经历过的时间随之消逝。 当然 , 附带的是那一年的青春和天真。 8 April 2014 Losses I have been losing things. Ezlink card. Lens cap. ipod. People. Trust. Confidence. Faith. Myself. From the tangible to the non. Hopefully I’m only about to start afresh, since I have almost nothing to lose from here… 8 April 2014 On travelling. I was reminded of this scene in The Noose last week, where Alaric Tay mentioned that young people nowadays like to go travelling and be awed by a simple scenery that couldn’t be more common, but they are hardly satisfied with what they have to begin with. I don’t exactly deny that but I believe there comes a need when we need to escape from the real world to the surreal. The former is wh...

This is going to hurt but well, Have a blessed birthday.

Really...really need a break. Will be back.

3.30am. Tonnes of mess in my head. Another sleepless night.

It's 7 April again. It's been a while. If I remember correctly, I knew about AhWU and JP a year ago today. Things haven't really changed much for them, I think, but a lot for me. The past few days I had been on a snack rampage. My recent sugar intake must have been scary considering I hardly have a sweet tooth. The new favourite has to be M&S guilt-free chocolate coated pretzels. But there is a price to pay of course, on top of the cash paid for the snacks, an increase in weight. There was an extremely impromptu dinner with the crooked lines. I'm truly happy to see Z find the true love. Really genuine. For me, I just need time. To break out of the cocoon. To trust again. Till then, I will continue to trudge on.

2014年4月5日。雨天。 清明。 终于。是我最喜欢的那种雨天。近两天都有下雨。但不知道为什么, 每次下的时候我不是在室内做事就是在巴士上。等到了户外, 雨都停了。今天终于可以在户外清楚地听到雨滴狠狠打在雨伞上的声音。 对于没有什么农历概念的我来说根本不记得/知道今天就是清明节。那是师母今早跟我提起的时候我才知道的。而也因为我们家一向没有扫墓祭拜的习惯, 所以清明对我一直都是很陌生的。唯一注意到的是每年的清明好像都会下雨。今天也不例外。我跟往年一样, 同样不去扫墓, 不祭拜, 但今年的清明就是有一点点的不一样。  不知不觉, 老师离开已有半年多了。当时痛哭流涕, 悲伤不已或无法接受事实的我们也都已经继续过着各自的生活。因为不管谁不在了, 我们总得继续过日子。无奈, 但这就是现实吧。有一段时间, 我不太敢走过中文系办公室的那道走廊, 因为觉得老师办公室门上写着他名字的牌子不在了这件事很残忍。但渐渐的还是习惯了。只是偶尔还是会莫名其妙地猜测系里怎么处理那个牌子。 平时给老师的小孩上课都是在客厅。但今早因为老师的所有家人会到他家里拜祭, 所以师母要我到小孩的房间里教。刚踏进房间, 正要坐下来, 看见墙上贴着一个牌, " Yeo Tean Lam, Shaun. Department of Chinese Studies." 心里突然涌起很多情绪。说不上是什么情绪, 就有点想哭。原来那个牌给了老师的家人。而老师的小孩把它贴在自己书桌前面的墙上, 大概是用来鼓励自己学习加油吧。 也许没有经历过生离死别吧, 一直都有个很肤浅的想法。总是觉得离开人世的人很可怜, 因为他们离开不久后就会被这个世界遗忘。但不是这样的。大家都在用各自的方式怀念离开了的人。我很庆幸有机会给老师的小孩补习。因为除了报答老师的恩惠, 除了补偿无法实现请老师吃大餐的诺言, 这样我也可以一直记得老师。相信他在天堂会知道活着的人一直没有忘记他, 也为此感到开心。 今早给老师上了香。香炉里插满了香。都是老师的家人对老师的怀念吧。 原来清明不是为了悼念, 是为了怀念。 天冷。 下午跟一个久违了的朋友吃韩国餐。胃口好像慢慢回来了吧。只是觉得很遗憾。最近总是不能在跟朋友们的聚会中找到意义。我知道是我自己的问题。我也不想勉强自己去摆脱它。因为好累。我只能说我真的很抱歉。 于是我趁着一个小时的空档跑到咖啡...

Cap 1 and 2 are certainly very different. The theme on camaraderie and trust is put across in a simple yet sophisticated way. The former being, the good is compromised by the bad. The latter, the good and bad somehow overlap occasionally. Black Widow makes the best representation. The role of Steve Rogers definitely has a deeper meaning this time than the previous. And I really like how Chris Evans interpretes it. Not sure if it's just me or anyone else realises, Captain Rogers is frowning most of the time. Like MOST. But somehow it just has to be that way. He finds his love but shares a 40-year gap with her. He finds his brother who promises to stay with him till the end of time but the latter has no recollection of their brotherhood. The scene whereby Falcon asks him "What makes you happy?" to which he shrugs and replies "I don't know" really made my heart go out to him. And when Nick Fury hands him the thumbdrive and asks him to trust no one, I really saw...

What can be worse than feeling tired but not being to get to sleep? So, insomnia decides to befriend me again. So much for thinking I've gotten rid of it. Deep down I'm actually hoping it was the bubble tea at dinnertime. But technically speaking, I'm supposed to be immune to caffeine already. Big sigh for that. For the return of my most hated friend.

爱真的需要勇气，来面对流言蜚语。 并不是每个人像你这么有勇气。我知道，如果你爱得够，终究有一天你会坦言你的爱。 你做到了！ 我替你开心，也真心祝福你 :) 希望未来的路上，不管什么挫折，什么瓶颈，你们都一直有力量去克服。

The ten laps this morning had me struggling because of the pair of slippers below the lockers. I have come to know that brand that colour and that condition too well to miss something that prominent at this point in time. Every time I decide to cast my beliefs in affinity aside, it comes to me. The line in The Leap Years  rang in my head, "You meet fate on the road you take to avoid it." While I had my head submerged in water, I gave it a serious deliberation. So, is this yet another hint? From the big bosses up there? Telling me not to give up? By the time I was done with my laps, I was certain. Nope. All these coincidences are merely smokescreens. And if I were to believe in them once again, I would have to start from zero all over again. These days it's scary to go to bed because sleep and nightmare are equivalents now. That should explain my staying up and whatnots. While I try not to meet anyone, I had to dine with R today because she's flying back to Perth next ...

老天爷总是喜欢在我斩钉截铁地做出一个决定时，抛下一个手榴弹要我接住。这是考验吗？还是要我面对现实？真的还蛮厌倦的。

Vaguely in my head I think I dreamt of LL laoshi yesterday. He was asking questions in class and I was pretty excited about my turn but I got jolted back to reality at the annoying sound of my alarm. Still, maybe that was a slightly good dream amidst the consecutive nightmares lasting since I-don't-even-remember-when. I actually felt a little pathetic this afternoon. The sense of helplessness came back, but I was already home and there was no way I could get myself some soyed GTL. So I jumped into bed and allowed myself a power nap. It helped, for goodness sake. I very habitually did my evening walk while making my way to the students' place. For a moment I fished out my phone from the bag and had wanted to drop a text to some friends sending really random greetings. But I hesitated for three seconds. And then I dropped the phone back into the bag. I told myself I would stop caring, since I'm nowhere near being ready. I am afraid of people asking to meet me. Because I don...

我真的累得，不想再拉扯。 但我终究没有放弃过。 这样的复杂情绪，我也不知道谁懂。 今天看到一句话：“好朋友会听你诉说故事，最好的朋友经历你的故事。” 我想这是真的。 所以我很感恩。