Day by day.

2014年4月7日。阴。

Time is gone. 逝去的时间。

那年第一次出门我嚷嚷要买的手表最后买了。

虽然只值5块钱, 但好像从没怎么损坏过。时间是停了几次, 但最终还是没事了, 调一调又能继续用了。

就跟我们一样。

所以我偶尔确实会把它当作是理所当然的。

但它一直都是我最常戴的那一只。

直到近来表带断了。

修手表的师傅说没得换了, 因为很难再找到适合这只表的表带。

时间没有停, 但它终究没什么价值了。

就跟我们一样。

母亲说反正付的代价不高, 没损失, 叫我把它扔了。

我仔细地想了想。

我不介意它得来容易, 不在乎我有没有损失。

但我恨它背弃我。

于是我扔了。

也希望所有一起经历过的时间随之消逝。

当然, 附带的是那一年的青春和天真。

8 April 2014

Losses

I have been losing things.

Ezlink card.

Lens cap.
ipod.
People.
Trust.
Confidence.
Faith.
Myself.

From the tangible to the non.

Hopefully I’m only about to start afresh, since I have almost nothing to lose from here…

8 April 2014

On travelling.

I was reminded of this scene in The Noose last week, where Alaric Tay mentioned that young people nowadays like to go travelling and be awed by a simple scenery that couldn’t be more common, but they are hardly satisfied with what they have to begin with. I don’t exactly deny that but I believe there comes a need when we need to escape from the real world to the surreal. The former is where we live, the latter is where we are leaving for.

So I booked my air ticket anyway.

9 April 2014

Day n.

The great sense of defeat continues to devour me bit by bit. I did wonder if I should seriously consider the help of a counsellor. Because getting an air ticket every now and then doesn’t prove to be the best solution. Really, I can feel myself becoming more immobile. And for someone who used to hate being stagnant, this really is an insult. And for some reasons, I keep craving for sweet snacks. Today I had a huge craving for cheesecake but on the basis of my poverty I did not succumb. But I don’t know what I will do tomorrow. I am hardly refraining myself from anything these days. The student who made my blood boil yesterday actually ignored me today. That was… heartbreaking. After all that I have done for him the past three years, this is what I get. How demoralising. Frankly, I’m contemplating to throw in the towel anytime. I have had enough of people smashing my ego against the walls continuously even after my nonchalance. I feel like a sunflower that has withered and still being stepped on by those leather shoes that used to walk past me when I was in bloom. That is, if I ever was. I experience cramps today. The pain has not visited in a long time, I know, because of my imbalanced diet and screwed biological clock. So I was actually slightly relieved today when it happened because at least I feel like a normal being again and… a part of me actually feels that there is finally some physical pain that diverts my attention from the mental torture. I even have problems with naps now. People tell me I will heal. Really? Will I die before I heal? I am just hoping it will be a faster process while I know it cannot be rushed. Let me try, again, to make tomorrow a better one.

Come on. Positivity. Optimism. Bring them on.

10 April 2014

Deal.

Another three days went by, with me not doing a single constructive thing. I will hate myself at the rate I am going. I make a promise to myself. I must do something tomorrow… I must. Today the craving for cheesecake was satisfied. But, a friend opened up my old wound, which has yet to heal completely. I gestured for him to stop, because it really hurt. It was pathetic. Me. It struck me that people around me have been trying to be very careful with their words. Unfortunately I am but a landmine field these days. This is exactly why… I can’t bring myself to meet anybody who doesn’t know and may unknowingly step on one of those landmines. The best thing today was seeing ahwu on tv again.

11 April 2014

Straightening out.

It was a good start. Things were done. I packed some food for student’s family and they all seemed happy. Doing simple things that make people smile genuinely always makes me feel emotionally and mentally better. Student was playful today and in a fit of anger I said, “I am so nice to you yet you are treating me like this. Are you being fair to me?” Then I told best friend about it and he said if he were my student he would have said, “Teacher please deal with your own problems elsewhere.” Nah my eight-year-old boy would not do that. Kids do not complicate things. And I do envy them. But people grow up. So eventually they have their sets of problems too. It’s Thursday. I see signs of healing today. Hopefully things will be kept this way.

11 April 2014

Dream.

Is it ok to dream while we are still young? Cos’ right now I’m still dreaming happy dreams, ambitious ones, simple ones. I think about all the things I would do. And I am just hoping one of them could be granted. Just one…

2014年4月12日。雨。

又下雨了。

今天又下雨了。

好像每次到老师家都一定会下雨。

餐桌上, 我提到自己的方向感很差, 师母就说老师也是, 还叙述了老师的人生中的一段小插曲。然后我们不约而同地大笑。

突然, 右眼角泛起泪。

我也不知道这到底是怎么样一种情绪。

接着, 师母打开电脑, 让我看看他们一家人前年去台湾花莲的照片, 还看了一些有老师的视频。

看到视频里的老师活生生的, 会说笑, 会打球, 心里自然不免一丝感伤。

老师的母亲站在我旁边。我不知道她是否把自己的沉痛深藏在心。只知道八十二岁的她可以如此坚强, 如此乐观, 她那种强大的力量不知从哪里来的。我百思不得其解。

我说我很抱歉, 每周麻烦她。她老人家说: “我最喜欢有人来我们家陪我吃饭。” 

我心里不禁充满佩服。

于是我想如果可以的话, 我会尽量留下来跟他们一起用餐。

我也默默地希望赶快多赚一些钱, 请他们一家人吃饭, 完成我答应过老师的事。

雨停了。

再次期待下周的到来。

13 April 2014

Hereditary.

It is Saturday. She is at it again. How long has it been? Two years? She has not really put it down, has she? Then it struck me that, it runs in the family. I am the best proof. Nevertheless, it has been a rather fulfilling Saturday. Spent it constructively and happy to have more or less planned my trip. I need… a long long break…

13 April 2014

Steam.

She wailed, with all her might. I was in another corner of the house solving Math problems, in a futile attempt to pretend I was not hearing anything. What could I have done actually? I don’t really know. Cowardly, perhaps, I was afraid of putting myself in some sort of peril. Doing Math problems now is the new favourite thing. Because it keeps me isolated from things. It keeps me distracted, from what never fails to drown me.

14 April 2014.

Harry.

He was having his usual nap. With his eyes closed, he was shivering, whining, frowning. And somewhat sobbing. Clearly it must be a nightmare. I was too certain that he was dreaming a bad dream. And I felt sorry for him. I wondered if anyone ever saw me when I was dreaming a bad dream. Did they feel sorry for me too? It is really sad you know, to be afraid of going to bed because of bad dreams.

Right now, 1 + 1 = 2. And that’s that.

Up to this point, I just want to thank you, for reading this long entry. 

I am feeling numb, but it can be a good thing for now.