winnowing

The ten laps this morning had me struggling because of the pair of slippers below the lockers. I have come to know that brand that colour and that condition too well to miss something that prominent at this point in time. Every time I decide to cast my beliefs in affinity aside, it comes to me. The line in The Leap Years rang in my head, "You meet fate on the road you take to avoid it." While I had my head submerged in water, I gave it a serious deliberation. So, is this yet another hint? From the big bosses up there? Telling me not to give up? By the time I was done with my laps, I was certain. Nope. All these coincidences are merely smokescreens. And if I were to believe in them once again, I would have to start from zero all over again. These days it's scary to go to bed because sleep and nightmare are equivalents now. That should explain my staying up and whatnots. While I try not to meet anyone, I had to dine with R today because she's flying back to Perth next week and it would be hard to catch up. I'm glad. She said whatever she could to reaffirm my beliefs, including in myself. She used the time period she has known me to corroborate her faith in my character. I never quite believed in using time as a gauge of knowing someone because I felt it's hardly always accurate. But for once, she convinced me. The reason is clear. Really, I'm done with aching for things that won't return to the way they were. If anything, I should stop being flippant. To myself and my life. I ought to curb all those angsty thoughts or stop trying to conciliate myself. Affinity may have been struck off my must-believe list, but I'm definitely still a believer of a greater love, i.e., being truly happy for the people you once loved. The way I rejoice for D when he found his true love. I was genuinely happy for him. And it felt surprisingly great. I saw a quote yesterday, "Being angry doesn't mean stop loving." Maybe that's something to work on... For the longest time I have been losing appetites and concealing my vulnerability wherever I could. The mission I'm going to set myself now is, tomorrow onwards I must push myself back to the path of passion and fulfillment. At least try. That's something I always advise my students. And it's time to winnow my life, a serious one to do. Those loose ends, got to start somewhere somehow...