There's this realisation, that I'm getting busier, and busier. For my students, for my research work, for myself. There is hardly time to do anything else. If I could spare an hour or two, I would use the time to complete a Math exam paper which often turns out to be very mind blowing but thus gives me a greater sense of accomplishment if I could do the questions. I think I am loving myself more. Not with Starbucks. Not with a long sleep. Not with the space and time to sit down in front of the TV watching CLIF3. I decided to just boycott it unless I happen to walk past the box when I am free. Students are darlings today. One gave me a box of cheesecake for no particular reason. Another gave me two sweets because it was her birthday she wanted to share her joy. When I was crossing the overhead bridge today it crossed my mind again. But it did not hurt this time. I think things are really working out. But I shall not attempt any trials yet. Am happy the way things are. Beginning to feel more love, finally not just from others. But myself. Yesterday I lost my way at Victoria Street and came to a beautiful cafe. I told myself I would go back there again soon to have a cup of coffee or something. Think we really need to get lost somewhere sometimes.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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