Vaguely in my head I think I dreamt of LL laoshi yesterday. He was asking questions in class and I was pretty excited about my turn but I got jolted back to reality at the annoying sound of my alarm. Still, maybe that was a slightly good dream amidst the consecutive nightmares lasting since I-don't-even-remember-when. I actually felt a little pathetic this afternoon. The sense of helplessness came back, but I was already home and there was no way I could get myself some soyed GTL. So I jumped into bed and allowed myself a power nap. It helped, for goodness sake. I very habitually did my evening walk while making my way to the students' place. For a moment I fished out my phone from the bag and had wanted to drop a text to some friends sending really random greetings. But I hesitated for three seconds. And then I dropped the phone back into the bag. I told myself I would stop caring, since I'm nowhere near being ready. I am afraid of people asking to meet me. Because I don't really want to meet anyone. (Except for the habitual few of course.) I just want to shy away. And I don't even mind if people forget me. It would probably make me feel better. After all, the feeling of being remembered but uncared for can abandon people in a state of anguish. But like I said, I wouldn't use any words like 'sad' or 'miserable' to describe the current situation. It's not. There is no longer any sadness to speak of. Too much of an overstatement/understatement (depending on which one you rate more severe but to me they are just different concepts which are equally scary). Not that I can figure out what this is. Not like it matters anyway. What matters is recovering. A sick person either waits for death or seeks recovery. I'm simply carrying out the latter. That's worth some encouragement, no? So... I made up my mind not to take too much initiative. The things you cherish with all your life, you are only going to see them slip through your fingers. Perhaps it will be wiser to leave your arms open. Those that want to go, can go.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
Comments
Post a Comment