unaddressed

Dear Mr. Yeo

My calendar is still on the July page. Maybe it's because August seems to have passed too quickly that I haven't got time to flip to the next page. 

So... he left. On National Day. For someone who wanted to rule the nation so much, this date has to be a symbolic one, right?

It was a lot quicker than I thought. And frankly I think reality hasn't hit me yet. Perhaps he had never played too big a role in the house so we are pretty much living life the same way we always did. The only difference is probably... the void inside of me. After all, I have spent the last decade hating him. People ever asked me if I would forgive him, or if I would ever regret if he left. My answer to all those hypothetical questions had been simply a shrug of the shoulders. I mean, who would know? 

The past few days were emotionally and physically draining. But the former was a lot more demanding. Since that day I have held back the urge to break down because I know my mum would follow suit. Even just now, at the crematorium, I did all I could to fight the tears. Because, unfortunately, there were bad people around and I did not want to appear vulnerable in front of these people lest they had a chance to take advantage. The dearest youngest sister saw my tears flowing from my side profile and stroked me gently on my lap. It was ironic, how she took it so much better than me. 

Initially I didn't want to inform anyone, because I knew they would come all the way down for me. But later I realised I really needed all of that, if not it would have been a lot lonelier. Boss Chua was the first to come down. I felt bad because it was raining AND, I haven't been catching up with her since the start of this year. And there were the secondary cliques, the uni cliques, Shaun, WX, Shirleen, Chris, Yoke Hwee, PT, YH, YK, ET, colleagues whom I hardly know on a personal level, teachers, and flower wreaths and contributions from teachers and colleagues and of course, your family. They were all simple gestures that I am exceptionally thankful for especially in stark contrast to the many hypocritical acts during the wake. It was difficult, really. But everything has come to an end. 

Lane just told me, what you resist persists. I know that so well actually. But I guess I am still looking for ways to cope with this. What do you call it? Emotional turmoil? I don't know. 

Thank you Mr. Yeo. I realised I have spoken to you so much these days. 

Regards

GL