Just when I thought she was done with being overly persistent, she asks the youngest sister to talk sense into me. That kind of broke me. But I try to keep my cool. A week ago I was so worked up my chest hurt. I decided this time I would just keep calm. I try to think about the casual things that soothe my heart. There is the auntie who now remembers my order every morning. She used to be quite hostile but now she often manages a smile whenever she sees me. And there is the six-year-old boy who takes my hand when he sees me. He is a mischievous one but whenever he speaks to me so excitedly while holding my hand I feel like patting his head. That day I was in mad rush when I bumped into the family of three. While I was conversing with the mother and neglecting his repeated calls, he took my hand and rubbed it against his cheeks to get my attention. While I have never liked kids so much, I think kids should be that innocent. And there is the ever-so-funny trainer who always cracks jokes during boring hours at work. This week seems better. And I am holding on, still.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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