The only reason why the frequency of posts has dropped is pretty much because it has been the same thoughts performing somersaults in the head. But the level of hurt has dropped to a new low. You got to believe that time does do the job sometimes, no matter how tough you think things are. Life isn't any easier, but I feel the effect of time on my wound. It bites, yet the pain is lesser each day. It leaves teeth marks behind, but really, I have too many of them all over me to bother counting the new ones. More so when more will come later. I am still afraid of losing. In fact, I never felt more paranoid. Once in a while, like today, some things thought to have been abandoned in the back of the mind come forth. If memories smell, I think the air reeked today, of death, and of fear. There is so much I would like to share. In fact I thought like maybe I needed a listening ear. Yet at the same time I have never wanted peace more than this time.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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